Wedding Woes

This person has to have the most patient GF and therapist

Dear Prudence,
I have a girlfriend I love very much. I have moderate depression and anxiety, and she has supported me for the entirety of our relationship; she’s a really excellent partner and person. We technically have an open relationship, but neither of us has acted on it yet, so we talk a lot about how we’re feeling and any worries we have. I’ve never had this kind of “check-in” before, and it feels great.

I also have three fantastic housemates, two of whom are in a couple. Before they started dating (also before I started dating my current partner), I had really strong feelings for one of them and had to work through a lot of sadness and jealousy when I heard about their relationship. Recently my feelings have resurfaced in full force, along with some feelings for the other half of the couple. I am often hit with waves of sadness and/or jealousy when I see them together, even if we’re all hanging out. Sometimes I think about what it would have looked like if I’d ended up with the friend I first liked, but mostly now it’s more wanting to be part of the couple, too—wanting to be around them, be together, be included (and yes, I’d really like to kiss both of them!).

I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about this a few times—not because I think anything is likely to happen, but because the feelings are overwhelming and I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping something from her. She’s been very supportive, and we’ve also talked about how it makes her feel (it doesn’t change the way I feel for her, I’m not going to act on anything without talking it over with her, etc.). I have a therapist, too, and I’ve brought it up there, because it’s taking up a lot of mental energy right now, energy I don’t have. It’s so hard to live with these feelings, but this is the best home I’ve had as an adult by a mile, and I desperately don’t want to lose it. Nor do I want to tell them and risk making a friendship very, very weird. And there’s only so many times I can talk about it with my therapist without getting bored of the sound of my own voice! Sometimes I think I don’t want it to go away, anyway; I don’t always have a lot of feelings with depression, so there’s something nice about having these intense emotions, even if they’re hard to handle.

What’s my move here? Is there one?

—Gay and Tired

Re: This person has to have the most patient GF and therapist

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    LW and GF have an open relationship, housemates may or may not.  Sticky situation all around.  I am seriously intrigued on open relationships though, like, how do they work? really work?

  • This LW does sound exhausting and very emotionally needy.  Living with people he is obsessed with sounds like a recipe for disaster.  He needs to move out and live in his own place.  Without roommates.  Because, he also talks about being attracted to the other, third roommate.  Leading me to believe, he becomes attached to anyone he has been friends with for 15 minutes, smh.

    Either that, or gets obsessed with "one thing" and can't let it go.  Relationship or otherwise.  I previously had a friend like that.  Sometimes her obsession was a guy.  Sometimes it was a mistake she was worried she'd made.  But it was like her mind couldn't move on to something else, no matter how inconsequential, until she resolved "whatever".  Or until she became obsessed with something else.  But she always had to have something she was worrying excessively over.  She was exhausting.

    LW also needs to stay in therapy.  If he's like my previous friend, he might just need to learn some strategies for quieting his mind. 

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Open relationship or not, LW's GF is a saint!  I don't know that I could put up with hearing how much my SO is in love with a roommate or two!
  • I want to know if this is an actual GF or just a really good friend he thinks is more than it actually is...  Either way, he needs to move out of that house...
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  • The LW signed it 'gay and tired', so I think we're talking about a houseful of women.  Still doesn't make the LW any less of a tiring SO to their GF. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    This letter made me exhausted.   

    @mrsconn23 - I was reading it like it was a houseful of women also.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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