Etiquette
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Re: Today's Debate Topic

  • I can understand why she may be upset about being blasted on social media, but if a mother feels comfortable nursing in public, that's her (legally protected, I believe) right. If a couple does not want breastfeeding mothers nursing in public at their wedding, I think the best route would be to indicate that children (including BF infants) are not invited, and understand that might mean some guests cannot attend.
    eileenrobcharlotte989875InLoveInQueensSP29
  • Exactly @mariepoppy nursing in public can be VERY discreet.  I was nursing at my alma mater's homecoming game once when one of my friends came up to meet the baby.  He was patting my son's head before he realized I was nursing. It's not like nursing mom's at weddings are out to flash the photographer.

    charlotte989875
  • MRDCle said:

    Exactly @mariepoppy nursing in public can be VERY discreet.  I was nursing at my alma mater's homecoming game once when one of my friends came up to meet the baby.  He was patting my son's head before he realized I was nursing. It's not like nursing mom's at weddings are out to flash the photographer.

    How small is this wedding that the bride thinks that the baby will be in sight of the photographer?    Even with a nip in sight,  does the photographer not have the ability to turn or even edit a shot after the fact?      
    eileenrobMairePoppycharlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    MRDCle said:

    Exactly @mariepoppy nursing in public can be VERY discreet.  I was nursing at my alma mater's homecoming game once when one of my friends came up to meet the baby.  He was patting my son's head before he realized I was nursing. It's not like nursing mom's at weddings are out to flash the photographer.

    How small is this wedding that the bride thinks that the baby will be in sight of the photographer?    Even with a nip in sight,  does the photographer not have the ability to turn or even edit a shot after the fact?      
    Yeah I imagine you don't trust your photographer much to think they'll have nip slips all over your wedding album. But I doubt that's the actual issue here.
  • It really bugs me that some people equate breast feeding with bathroom functions.
    QFT. Please stop banishing infants who need to eat to the same place where people go to take a shit. If you can eat in public, so can they. 

    If you can't handle an infant naturally eating without pearl clutching, you need to grow up.  
    That's why I'm wondering WTF the bride was thinking.   I get that I'm in the 'I have babies' age so I'm aware of my US rights but I find it hard to believe that there isn't some level of intelligent discussion on this where the bride lives.   Every now and then you see some idiot thinking that you can ask a BF mom to go somewhere else and they're generally told that they legally can't do that. 
    ahoyweddingshort+sassycharlotte989875
  • I can’t believe the bride is actually playing victim!!  The absolute nerve! I hate when someone in the wrong does that.  And the fact that her mom was on board  :s

    I don’t necessarily think that the woman who posted the memo on social media was wrong.  At least not intentionally.  For all we know she got it, said WTF and shared it originally with her sisters or cousins or like somewhere like TK.  And it just ended up getting back to the bride.  She may not even have had the bride’s contact info- my H’s best friend of many years has been dating a woman for over a year..we’ve met a couple of times but I don’t have her number, or even know her last name.  SO’s of best friends aren’t automatically friends. 
    That said, if I was a nursing mother that received this, I would have proactively contacted the couple and let them know my baby was going to be eating in the dining room with the rest of the invited guests.  
    MairePoppy
  • Ridiculous. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I'll be the odd man out and say, as an exclusively breastfeeding (I don't even own a pump or any bottles) mother of a four-month-old, I wouldn't mind a note like this. 

    Yes, women can breastfeed wherever they want. I've breastfed in public areas, always with a cover because that's what makes me more comfortable. I like sitting against a wall with the cover because it's open in the back. 

    I have never breastfed in a bathroom, but if there was a sitting area in a large ladies room, you can bet I'd go there to breastfeed.

    Especially considering this is a wedding, an event where women might not be wearing the most breastfeeding-friendly clothing and might want to go somewhere else rather than, say, unzip the entire back of their dress to breastfeed right next to the dance floor. 

    I do think she should have phrased the note as on option rather than basically a requirement. But I also agree with the bride that if I saw that note, I wouldn't blast my friend all over social media. 

    short+sassyMesmrEweSP29nightnerd
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    banana468 said:
    I'll be the odd man out and say, as an exclusively breastfeeding (I don't even own a pump or any bottles) mother of a four-month-old, I wouldn't mind a note like this. 

    Yes, women can breastfeed wherever they want. I've breastfed in public areas, always with a cover because that's what makes me more comfortable. I like sitting against a wall with the cover because it's open in the back. 

    I have never breastfed in a bathroom, but if there was a sitting area in a large ladies room, you can bet I'd go there to breastfeed.

    Especially considering this is a wedding, an event where women might not be wearing the most breastfeeding-friendly clothing and might want to go somewhere else rather than, say, unzip the entire back of their dress to breastfeed right next to the dance floor. 

    I do think she should have phrased the note as on option rather than basically a requirement. But I also agree with the bride that if I saw that note, I wouldn't blast my friend all over social media. 
    If you're attending a wedding, you figure out how to make the attire nursing friendly.  

    Offering a different place is different from requiring it.   
    Yes, and like I said, women can nurse wherever they want and that note should have been worded as an offering if people wanted it. I'm just saying, some people, like myself, would use it. 

    Regarding clothing, eh, maybe. I don't always dress that nursing friendly and I don't have any specifically nursing-friendly tops. I'm typically pulling my shirt up, hence why I always use a cover. I just don't feel like spending a lot of money (nor do I have the money to spend) on a whole new wardrobe. So while I would try not to wear a dress that I had to unzip, I'd probably be wearing a top I had to pull up. And even if I'm wearing v-necks with a cami underneath, I don't like pulling them down and stretching them out. 

    MesmrEwe
  • banana468 said:
    I'll be the odd man out and say, as an exclusively breastfeeding (I don't even own a pump or any bottles) mother of a four-month-old, I wouldn't mind a note like this. 

    Yes, women can breastfeed wherever they want. I've breastfed in public areas, always with a cover because that's what makes me more comfortable. I like sitting against a wall with the cover because it's open in the back. 

    I have never breastfed in a bathroom, but if there was a sitting area in a large ladies room, you can bet I'd go there to breastfeed.

    Especially considering this is a wedding, an event where women might not be wearing the most breastfeeding-friendly clothing and might want to go somewhere else rather than, say, unzip the entire back of their dress to breastfeed right next to the dance floor. 

    I do think she should have phrased the note as on option rather than basically a requirement. But I also agree with the bride that if I saw that note, I wouldn't blast my friend all over social media. 
    If you're attending a wedding, you figure out how to make the attire nursing friendly.  

    Offering a different place is different from requiring it.   
    Yes, and like I said, women can nurse wherever they want and that note should have been worded as an offering if people wanted it. I'm just saying, some people, like myself, would use it. 

    Regarding clothing, eh, maybe. I don't always dress that nursing friendly and I don't have any specifically nursing-friendly tops. I'm typically pulling my shirt up, hence why I always use a cover. I just don't feel like spending a lot of money (nor do I have the money to spend) on a whole new wardrobe. So while I would try not to wear a dress that I had to unzip, I'd probably be wearing a top I had to pull up. And even if I'm wearing v-necks with a cami underneath, I don't like pulling them down and stretching them out. 
    I think you're missing the point though:
    1) If you're allowed to be there, you can nurse there.   They don't have to put that in writing.   If they said, "Hey nursing mom!   Over here you'll find leak pads, high protein snacks and water bottles along with some baby wipes, burp cloths and comfy chairs," It's one thing.   They didn't.   And because you can nurse where you're allowed to be it's redundant to tell you about where you can nurse in a place your'e welcome to be in.

    2) Maybe you don't always dress nursing friendly but that's YOUR CHOICE.   When I've gone to dressy events with nursing baby I wore a wrap dress and a nursing bra/tank or a dress with buttons at the top.   Business casual was far easier with button up shirts being made for easy access.   But you're talking about YOUR CHOICE in what to wear - not a choice that someone is attempting to make for you.    It still doesn't change the fact that for many with young kids, nursing is a LOOOOOONG TIME. 
    mollybarker11STARMOON44
  • No question the bride was obviously very much in the wrong to "require" nursing mothers to use the bathroom for that activity.

    But I think her friend was really sh***y also.  Especially since it sounds like this is a long time, close friend.  I don't understand why her friend didn't just level with/educate the bride and tell her, "Hey, I don't know what you are thinking, but ostracizing nursing mothers is really offensive."  Instead, the mother doesn't say one word to the bride, but then blasts her on social media.

    With that said, it sounds like the bride has "doubled down" on her bad decision.  Since she talked about all her "reasons" for it in that article, I'm sure she said these same things to the people attacking her on social media.  Basically throwing more mud in her own face.

    As an aside, I think this is one of the big failings of how some people use social media.  Excuse me while I go into "grandma mode".  Back in my day, if someone did/said something that upset you/was wrong, you either ignored it or you TOLD THEM.  Like, an IRL frickin' conversation.  Or over the phone (a landline one, lol).

    Now people have fights on FB, Twitter, etc. for all the world to see and read...including fights with strangers.  It's so ridiculous and stupid.


    I agree with you there!

    IMO, I think it's absolutely shitty to trash a person on social media like this.

    Buuuut I also think we're in the age of social media.    We often tell people to take their voices to social media when they have an issue with a business.   Unfortunately doing it this way is not a way to keep friends.   My guess is that the mom and the bride aren't friends.   The groom and the husband of the irritated mom are buddies. 

    Also, if they're hoping to help their cause with the bathroom photos used in that news clip they're really mistaken.  
    short+sassy
  • What, @banana468, that wooden folding chair and table too small/cluttered for mom to set anything other than a glass of water doesn't scream comfortable nursing area to you??
    banana468
  • I wonder if the issue was actually that she was breast feeding a 2y/o, and not an infant, and that is why they banished her to the bathroom. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    edited October 25
    So based on the note, I wouldn't consider that a mandate to go to the bathroom. I would probably just say "Oh, that seems like they tried to make an accommodation for people who might be self-conscious, but a poorly thought out one, and I'm just gonna go ahead and nurse in the dining room."

    Then if someone made it clear that this was THE BF option per the couple, then I would tell the couple that it was a poor idea and I'm not doing that.

    Social media blasting your friend when you haven't even talked to them sounds like a terrible option.

    ETA - I see the "we request that you use this" wording at the end. So directly to paragraph 2, then.

    Anniversary

  • I wonder if the issue was actually that she was breast feeding a 2y/o, and not an infant, and that is why they banished her to the bathroom. 
    Does it mention the child's age somewhere? I must have missed that - not that the age matters to me. Nobody should really be confined to the bathroom to eat. 
    STARMOON44
  • MRDCle said:
    I wonder if the issue was actually that she was breast feeding a 2y/o, and not an infant, and that is why they banished her to the bathroom. 
    Does it mention the child's age somewhere? I must have missed that - not that the age matters to me. Nobody should really be confined to the bathroom to eat. 

    It mentions in the link within the link that she was breastfeeding a 2yo during the interview
  • kaos16 said:
    MRDCle said:
    I wonder if the issue was actually that she was breast feeding a 2y/o, and not an infant, and that is why they banished her to the bathroom. 
    Does it mention the child's age somewhere? I must have missed that - not that the age matters to me. Nobody should really be confined to the bathroom to eat. 

    It mentions in the link within the link that she was breastfeeding a 2yo during the interview
    That’s true... I just skimmed the article. idk how old the baby was during the wedding. It was just a food for thought, not trying to justify her behavior 
  • kaos16 said:
    MRDCle said:
    I wonder if the issue was actually that she was breast feeding a 2y/o, and not an infant, and that is why they banished her to the bathroom. 
    Does it mention the child's age somewhere? I must have missed that - not that the age matters to me. Nobody should really be confined to the bathroom to eat. 

    It mentions in the link within the link that she was breastfeeding a 2yo during the interview
    That’s true... I just skimmed the article. idk how old the baby was during the wedding. It was just a food for thought, not trying to justify her behavior 
    Nursing a 2 yo seems to be looked down on in the US but my understanding is that it's more common in other developed countries.   For some reason we tie the concept of having teeth to mean that milk isn't needed.

    charlotte989875STARMOON44mollybarker11
  • If this really was about creating an accommodating space for bf mothers, it could have been accomplished by posting a sign near the ladies room/a small insert/word of mouth that a separate, comfortable space nearby was available. But that's clearly not what this was about, it was about a bridezilla not wanting someone to do something that is legal on their special day. I have zero patience, or sympathies, for this couple. 
    missJeanLouiseSTARMOON44
  • So based on the note, I wouldn't consider that a mandate to go to the bathroom. I would probably just say "Oh, that seems like they tried to make an accommodation for people who might be self-conscious, but a poorly thought out one, and I'm just gonna go ahead and nurse in the dining room."

    Then if someone made it clear that this was THE BF option per the couple, then I would tell the couple that it was a poor idea and I'm not doing that.

    Social media blasting your friend when you haven't even talked to them sounds like a terrible option.

    ETA - I see the "we request that you use this" wording at the end. So directly to paragraph 2, then.
    I'm going on a hunch here that the offended party is not friends with the couple.  Her DH was the BM and has a bit of an air of "Your friend's FI is a bitch." 

    I honestly don't think either party have done themselves any favors here.     However the bride and groom are far more in the wrong IMO.
    lnixon8
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
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    edited October 25
    As a new nursing mother, I think the bride could have said "we've created a spot so you may be more comfortable" and left it at that. I would appreciate that. The fact that it's a ladies room, well, many ladies' rooms at upscale places are spacious and have loungy areas separate from the sinks and toilets. I've BF'd from some such lounges already. I actually like it; I have no issue being "in public" either but if I'm gonna flash a nip trying to get the kid to latch I'd rather only flash it to fellow women. 

    Saying "we request you use it" is where it draws the line! WTF. 

    ETA: I had one close friend coming to my wedding who was BFing a 6 week old. Even though our wedding wasn't kid-friendly I told her to bring the kid if she wanted. How she was going to feed the kid, or where, absolutely never crossed my mind! She didn't bring him, but if she had, no way would I care if she BF'd at the dinner table. 
    ________________________________


    charlotte989875SP29short+sassy
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited October 25
    banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I'll be the odd man out and say, as an exclusively breastfeeding (I don't even own a pump or any bottles) mother of a four-month-old, I wouldn't mind a note like this. 

    Yes, women can breastfeed wherever they want. I've breastfed in public areas, always with a cover because that's what makes me more comfortable. I like sitting against a wall with the cover because it's open in the back. 

    I have never breastfed in a bathroom, but if there was a sitting area in a large ladies room, you can bet I'd go there to breastfeed.

    Especially considering this is a wedding, an event where women might not be wearing the most breastfeeding-friendly clothing and might want to go somewhere else rather than, say, unzip the entire back of their dress to breastfeed right next to the dance floor. 

    I do think she should have phrased the note as on option rather than basically a requirement. But I also agree with the bride that if I saw that note, I wouldn't blast my friend all over social media. 
    If you're attending a wedding, you figure out how to make the attire nursing friendly.  

    Offering a different place is different from requiring it.   
    Yes, and like I said, women can nurse wherever they want and that note should have been worded as an offering if people wanted it. I'm just saying, some people, like myself, would use it. 

    Regarding clothing, eh, maybe. I don't always dress that nursing friendly and I don't have any specifically nursing-friendly tops. I'm typically pulling my shirt up, hence why I always use a cover. I just don't feel like spending a lot of money (nor do I have the money to spend) on a whole new wardrobe. So while I would try not to wear a dress that I had to unzip, I'd probably be wearing a top I had to pull up. And even if I'm wearing v-necks with a cami underneath, I don't like pulling them down and stretching them out. 
    I think you're missing the point though:
    1) If you're allowed to be there, you can nurse there.   They don't have to put that in writing.   If they said, "Hey nursing mom!   Over here you'll find leak pads, high protein snacks and water bottles along with some baby wipes, burp cloths and comfy chairs," It's one thing.   They didn't.   And because you can nurse where you're allowed to be it's redundant to tell you about where you can nurse in a place your'e welcome to be in.

    2) Maybe you don't always dress nursing friendly but that's YOUR CHOICE.   When I've gone to dressy events with nursing baby I wore a wrap dress and a nursing bra/tank or a dress with buttons at the top.   Business casual was far easier with button up shirts being made for easy access.   But you're talking about YOUR CHOICE in what to wear - not a choice that someone is attempting to make for you.    It still doesn't change the fact that for many with young kids, nursing is a LOOOOOONG TIME. 
    Umm, no I'm not. I literally said almost exactly what you wrote out in #1. I said "she should have phrased the note as an option, not a requirement" and then I said "like I said, women can nurse wherever they want and that note should have been worded as an offering if people wanted it." 

    As for #2, I really don't understand how what I said is related to what you're saying. I fully understand how I dress is my choice and other people may choose differently.  You made a blanket statement that when nursing moms go to weddings, they wear nursing friendly attire, and all I was doing was pointing out that not everyone does.  I said nothing about how long it takes to nurse and nothing about trying to make other people's clothing choices for them. 

    Again, you may not use the area. Fine, good for you. I see a lot of people getting up in arms about "you don't eat in the bathroom, why would you make your baby!" All I'm saying is, there may be moms, such as me, who would if there was a nice setup with chairs and stuff in part of the ladies room. That's all. 

    ETA: the only thing I find out of line in this situation is the way the note was written/the requirement that everyone use that are all. 

    SP29
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