Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower Question

I'm in a weird situation. My cousins are planning a bridal shower for me in my hometown right before Christmas because that's when everyone in my family will be in my hometown anyways so it seemed to be the most convenient choice.  My fiance is very upset about the date that was chosen because no one in his family will be able to go, they all live in different states and have their own Christmas plans. It would be very inconvenient for them to come anyways, regardless of the date, because my hometown doesn't even have an airport but he is still upset that I didn't consult with his family before I confirmed the date. He thinks my family should have planned it for a day that his family could go too (even though i doubt any of them would since they all live far away). I would still like to invite his mom and sister (who is in the wedding party), but he said i shouldn't because it would be a "fake invitation" since i know they cant come.  So my question is this: is it okay that my family is throwing a bridal shower on a day when his family can't come? And would it be rude to invite his immediate family knowing they won't come because of the date that was chosen? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 

Re: Bridal Shower Question

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm in a weird situation. My cousins are planning a bridal shower for me in my hometown right before Christmas because that's when everyone in my family will be in my hometown anyways so it seemed to be the most convenient choice.  My fiance is very upset about the date that was chosen because no one in his family will be able to go, they all live in different states and have their own Christmas plans. It would be very inconvenient for them to come anyways, regardless of the date, because my hometown doesn't even have an airport but he is still upset that I didn't consult with his family before I confirmed the date. He thinks my family should have planned it for a day that his family could go too (even though i doubt any of them would since they all live far away). I would still like to invite his mom and sister (who is in the wedding party), but he said i shouldn't because it would be a "fake invitation" since i know they cant come.  So my question is this: is it okay that my family is throwing a bridal shower on a day when his family can't come? And would it be rude to invite his immediate family knowing they won't come because of the date that was chosen? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 

    If his family needs to be at a shower for you, they can host their own. That's super, super common.

    I only had one on my H's side, but that's because I don't like showers and was able to put my own family off of one, unlike MIL. My mom and sister were invited, but it would have been a lot of travel and I told them they didn't need to worry about it. It was not a big deal that one side's parent/sibling wasn't there.

    We always tell people to still send invites to those who already expressed that they have a conflict with the wedding - the message it sends is not "this is a fake invite because we didn't care enough to plan around you" but rather that we still desire your presence and in case something changes in your plans, we'd love to see you. This is just the same. You can tell your FI that.

    Anniversary

    SP29eileenrob
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I'm in a weird situation. My cousins are planning a bridal shower for me in my hometown right before Christmas because that's when everyone in my family will be in my hometown anyways so it seemed to be the most convenient choice.  My fiance is very upset about the date that was chosen because no one in his family will be able to go, they all live in different states and have their own Christmas plans. It would be very inconvenient for them to come anyways, regardless of the date, because my hometown doesn't even have an airport but he is still upset that I didn't consult with his family before I confirmed the date. He thinks my family should have planned it for a day that his family could go too (even though i doubt any of them would since they all live far away). I would still like to invite his mom and sister (who is in the wedding party), but he said i shouldn't because it would be a "fake invitation" since i know they cant come.  So my question is this: is it okay that my family is throwing a bridal shower on a day when his family can't come? And would it be rude to invite his immediate family knowing they won't come because of the date that was chosen? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 

    If his family needs to be at a shower for you, they can host their own. That's super, super common.

    I only had one on my H's side, but that's because I don't like showers and was able to put my own family off of one, unlike MIL. My mom and sister were invited, but it would have been a lot of travel and I told them they didn't need to worry about it. It was not a big deal that one side's parent/sibling wasn't there.

    We always tell people to still send invites to those who already expressed that they have a conflict with the wedding - the message it sends is not "this is a fake invite because we didn't care enough to plan around you" but rather that we still desire your presence and in case something changes in your plans, we'd love to see you. This is just the same. You can tell your FI that.
    This. ^ I had two showers and even my own mom was only able to attend one. 

  • Showers aren't mandatory. If your family is planning one that works for them, invite anyone from his side and it they can't come, that is okay. Agree with PPs that okay to have another shower thrown by his side if it means that much to them.
    SP29
  • I agree with everyone above; if his family wants to through you a shower on a day that is convenient for them they are more than welcome to do so. I still think you should invite his mom and sister, but it’s up to them if they can make it work or not. 
    SP29
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Your FI is completely overreacting. It's totally fine for your family to throw you a shower on a date that works for them. If his family would like, they can throw you a shower too. 

    And yes, you can still invite his mom and sister, and I think you should. It's not a fake invite. 

    charlotte989875InLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Thank you all! it's so hard to navigate some of this stuff, i don't want to offend anyone by sending/not sending invitations. So it really helps to have some guidance! I am going to take your advice and invite his mom & sister & maybe grandmas, but no one else from out of town because i don't want it to look like i'm just wanting gifts. I didn't realize that it was common to have more than 1 shower either, so that's really good to know!! Maybe his family can have a shower that's convenient for them if they want to. Thanks again!
    Change your name (it makes it easier for us to recognize your than the knottie#s) and stick around!

    eileenrob
  • Thank you all! it's so hard to navigate some of this stuff, i don't want to offend anyone by sending/not sending invitations. So it really helps to have some guidance! I am going to take your advice and invite his mom & sister & maybe grandmas, but no one else from out of town because i don't want it to look like i'm just wanting gifts. I didn't realize that it was common to have more than 1 shower either, so that's really good to know!! Maybe his family can have a shower that's convenient for them if they want to. Thanks again!
    Sizes of families often means that two showers is easier for space and spending time with the guests.  But moms and the BP are invited to all showers as a courtesy.

    I'd just make it clear that this isn't a slight at all.  
    charlotte989875
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Thank you all! it's so hard to navigate some of this stuff, i don't want to offend anyone by sending/not sending invitations. So it really helps to have some guidance! I am going to take your advice and invite his mom & sister & maybe grandmas, but no one else from out of town because i don't want it to look like i'm just wanting gifts. I didn't realize that it was common to have more than 1 shower either, so that's really good to know!! Maybe his family can have a shower that's convenient for them if they want to. Thanks again!
    I think sometimes people get the idea in their head that any wedding activity has to be some big blow-out event. Not true for showers.

    Showers are not a required event, and anyone can offer to host one. The only rule is that anyone who is being invited to the shower is also being invited to the wedding itself. It is fine to have more than one shower, as long as the guest lists are not overlapping. Exceptions are made for the WP and immediate family members such as siblings, parents and grandparents, but of course they would not give two gifts.

    Your family offered to host you a shower. As the hosts, it is their decision to pick a date that works best for them, to decide what kind of party and how many guests they can host. They are not obligated to invite anyone from your FI's side of the family (not obligated to invite anyone, really), however inviting your FMIL, FSIL (particularly since she is in the WP!) and FGMIL is a good idea. If FI's family wants to also host a shower, they are free to do so on a date that works best for the hosts and their guest list.
  • My showers were in Ohio, where my parents and family live. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were invited but they were out of state and didn't attend. I understood and they never said anything. 

    Your FI is being dramatic.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Your FI is seeing insult where none is intended and creating unnecessary drama.

    Your cousins (and for that matter, everyone on your guest list) are entitled to throw you a shower -- at their own convenience.

    Ask your FI if invitations to a shower hosted by his family would be "fake" if your family members couldn't make it. Then tell him to stop making a fuss about the shower date and time.

    If it's important to his family members to attend a shower for you, they can throw one of their own.
    STARMOON44
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