Just be cool, like Katie and Steven.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I made friends with another couple, “Katie” and “Steven,” last year. We have kids around the same age, and we get together a few times a month for backyard dinners and drinks. Recently, I remarked to Katie how much her children resemble her, and she replied that she hears that all the time. I jokingly asked how Steven feels about that, and she said: “Well, Steven’s trans. Didn’t you know?”

I didn’t know. It hadn’t occurred to me. I was so surprised that my reaction was something along the lines of, “Oh. Cool!” And then the conversation naturally shifted course. I’m concerned that maybe I underreacted. Gender identity is important, and I can’t begin to imagine what Steven went through before and during his transition. My husband and I consider ourselves to be LGBTQ allies, and I want Steven to feel comfortable and supported in our home. We’ve seen them a few times since and nothing seems weird or awkward, so maybe I’m just overthinking this. But could or should I have responded differently? It didn’t feel like a coming-out conversation, more like a casual disclosure of information. Still, I’m worried that I said the wrong thing, and I’d love your perspective.

—Underreactionary?

banana468

As someone cis-gendered I'd probably say the same thing.  I'm guessing as long as you treat them respectfully that's what matters. 

MissKittyDanger

Does it matter if Steven is trans? Does it change who he is as a person or friend?

People seem to over think this often, and it's endearing that people want to make sure they're reacting properly {is there a proper way to react?}

mrsconn23

I feel like there are people who want the "I'm an ally!" badge without knowing what that means.  Being an ally means that you treat people like people, respect their identity, relationship status, etc. and stand up to people who are bigoted. 

But IRL day to day interactions, Steve and Katie are a married couple with children and wanted to be treated as such.  Steve is Steve, not Steve, 'the trans guy'.  "Overreacting" or wanting to bring up Steve's status or 'how great' or 'normal' Katie and Steve are as a family is another form of 'othering'.  No one wants to be someone's 'token' friend that's trans, gay, black, Jewish, Muslim, etc.  Just treat them like you'd treat any other friends that you like spending time with.  If Steve and Katie want to talk about *any* of it, they will. 

charlotte989875

They’re not acting weird, the friendship is continuing like normal, so why say anything else? I agree with @mrsconn23 that being an ally doesn’t mean being loud about how supportive you are, it can just be being a friend and treating a married couple the same way you would any other married couple. Being an ally isn’t about you it’s about other people. 

short+sassy

Agree with the PPs!  Geez, LW, calm TF down.  You're getting nervous and worked up over nothing.  I think the response was perfect.

The wife said something that surprised her.  She didn't have a negative reaction.  She made a short, albeit positive statement.  The conversation naturally moved on to other things.  Which leads me to believe the wife wasn't interested in telling a "Let Me Tell You of My Husband's Sexuality Journey" saga.  Sure, there probably is one.  But that wasn't for the LW's prompting anyway.  She was told a fact about Steve that happened to come up in conversation.

The friendship has rolled on, as always.  Nobody appears to have been offended.  Wait, what's the problem again, lol?

banana468

The only thing I can think of is that the LW is now faced with the reality of knowing someone trans vs. having that as a possibility.     I can see second-guessing my own actions and approaches in my own day to day reactions.

CMGragain

My own reaction was "Oh, how nice!"  It seemed to get a good reaction from the couple.