Marriage counseling and al-anon?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I’m filled with resentment toward my husband, and I don’t know how to move past it. He spent most of our 20 years of marriage as a high-functioning alcoholic. He’s been sober now for two years but still struggles with adult responsibilities like parenting, managing finances, and getting out of the house for a social life. Doing it all alone is burning me out. I would like a partner in raising our kids and running the house, but after so many screw-ups I can’t trust him to show up and follow through. He’s sober, but the disappointments keep happening. I’m lonely. And I feel slighted by the way our marriage is turning out. My negative outlook is taking a toll on the entire household. How can I let go of the past, make do with what I have, and be more positive?

—Lonely Marriage

banana468

Talking, talking, and more talking.   And maybe with a mediator / counselor? 

You have to open up so he knows how you feel but you also need to create approaches so he doesn't feel ambushed all at once.   Al anon first and a marriage counselor second? 

charlotte989875

This could seriously be my mother. I heard someone once describe my Dad as an alcoholic who just doesn’t drink anymore. He never made amends with the family, never took responsibility for anything he did while he was drinking and thinks that all he had to do was stop drinking and everything should be fine. He did what he was supposed to now everyone should love/support/make him feel good because he stopped drinking. But he still is as selfish as he was before. 

Basically, al-anon or counseling. But if he’s not actually doing the work of repairing the damage he did when he was drinking that’s on him and you have to decide if you want to keep doing it. 

mrsconn23

Prudie jumped right to telling LW to leave him.  I mean, it's an option...but she still loves him and it sounds like he's trying.   

I wonder if LW has a hard time giving him leeway because she's so hurt and resentful of what transpired.  I think LW needs to decide if she wants to do the work and she needs to ask her H to do the work too.  I think if he's uninterested in pursuing healing the marriage, then she has her answer and needs to decide to stay or go. 

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

Prudie jumped right to telling LW to leave him.  I mean, it's an option...but she still loves him and it sounds like he's trying.   

I wonder if LW has a hard time giving him leeway because she's so hurt and resentful of what transpired.  I think LW needs to decide if she wants to do the work and she needs to ask her H to do the work too.  I think if he's uninterested in pursuing healing the marriage, then she has her answer and needs to decide to stay or go. 

TBH I wonder why my mother doesn’t leave.

If he’s interested in doing the work then that’s one thing, but if he’s uninterested then she knows the behavior wasn’t just a symptom of the alcoholism, it’s who he is. 

MissKittyDanger

I wonder if a trial separation an option for LW and spouse?
Giving them time apart for an alotted time so spouse can get their life together, and realize the implications that not taking on responsibility has.

Also gives LW time to herself to reflect on what they want.

My parents did this. My dad had issues and my mum had a hard time because he wasn't dealing with it healthily. She didn't want to leave him, but needed time apart. They didn't divorce and kept talking, and she thinks that time apart helped her realize that yes they still loved each other and wanted to find ways to make it work.

Her words "He still gave me butterflies. After being married 15 years and I hadn't seen him in a week, and I still got friggen butterflies. Never walk away from butterflies."

short+sassy

I think the biggest thing that would help them is marriage counseling.  But only if the H sees the problems also and is open to improving things.

What a disappointment for the LW!  I could definitely see where she probably spent years thinking, "If only he weren't an alcoholic..."  He finally slays that demon.  But he's still the same irresponsible jerk who won't live up to anything he promises.

southernbelle0915

I feel for this person but after 20 years, there is somewhat of a precedent that gets set in a household - the "who does what". I don't think it's reasonable to now, after 2 decades, expecting a recovering alcoholic to start magically functioning as a 50/50 egalitarian partner. It's just not going to happen. Even if they both went to counseling and worked HARD toward this, I would be surprised if they attained 90% success after several years. 

I get that things have probably come to a head for her...but I don't think her expectations are reasonable. And taking her disappointment and frustration out on her entire household is really unfair. 

baconsmom

mrsconn23 said:

 but still struggles with adult responsibilities like parenting, managing finances, and getting out of the house for a social life. 

Yeah, and? *lolsob* 

mrsconn23

baconsmom said:

mrsconn23 said:

 but still struggles with adult responsibilities like parenting, managing finances, and getting out of the house for a social life. 

Yeah, and? *lolsob* 

HA!  Same, sometimes.  Leaving the house is the hardest one.   

kvruns

mrsconn23 said:

 And I feel slighted by the way our marriage is turning out. My negative outlook is taking a toll on the entire household. How can I let go of the past, make do with what I have, and be more positive?

—Lonely Marriage

I feel for this LW a lot and while not to this point I can see myself writing some of this. I really think she needs to do individual counseling - she needs to get to the bottom of how she feels and what she really wants from it all. To me it sounds like she wants to stay but I think she needs to explore what that will look like and set boundaries. Then see if her spouse is ok with her vision/boundaries and if not, then look at other options.