Dear Prudence,
I am a retiree with four adult children. I am proud of all of them. All are successful in their respective fields (none of which are financially rewarding). All are married. Child A has no children, Child B has five, Child C has three, and Child D has two. I recently received a large inheritance (think seven figures) and told my children that I wanted to divide it between them now, rather than wait until I die. Child B asked if I would consider using some of the money to give gifts to my grandchildren, an idea I agreed to if Child B could come up with a formula that would be fair to all. It was suggested that the money be divided into five shares, with each of my four children receiving one full share and the fifth share divided equally among the ten grandchildren. Child A—who has no children—objected, arguing that Child B’s suggestion was an attempt to take more than his or her fair share and listing many previous occasions on which Child A had felt obligated to make financial concessions to a sibling.
In the end, I divided the money four ways. I would like to be able to give gifts to my grandchildren, but I also want to be fair to my four children. Was it out of place for Child B to suggest that a portion of the money be given to grandchildren? Is it unfair for a grandparent to give significant gifts to grandchildren if that means that some families will get more than others?
—A Proud Parent Who Wants to Be Fair