Wedding Woes

This person seems to be an adult, so why do they need 'mommy's' permission to date?

Dear Prudence,
Six months ago I was able to get out of a yearlong, emotionally abusive relationship with “Katie.” It was my first relationship at 21 years old, and I was very naïve, which kept me in the relationship for a long time. I’ve been getting to know a friend of mine, “Jessica,” better in the months since, and we’ve started dating long distance while I’ve been spending the semester abroad. I consulted my close friends and sisters before making the decision to date again, and they support our relationship.

I would love to tell my mother about Jessica since she is so much better for me than my last girlfriend. But my mother did not support my last relationship. In hindsight, I understand why, but I was stubborn and didn’t listen. She disliked Katie for some valid reasons and some not-so-valid (she had dated more than I had, was not of my Christian denomination, etc.). Since she did not like Katie when they met, she was very cold and often ignored Katie and tried to freeze her out. I do not want my mother to have the same reaction to Jessica. How do I tell my mother about her? Or should I not tell her anything at all?

—Much Happier Now

Re: This person seems to be an adult, so why do they need 'mommy's' permission to date?

  • Weelll, not telling her anything is about the worst thing the LW could do for the situation.  So, let's start with that.

    Tell mom about Jessica and hope for the best.  If mom is doesn't like Jessica, and is cold and freezes her out, then severely limit their interactions.  If that means mom doesn't get to see you nearly as much, then "too bad, so sad" for her.  And ALWAYS defend Jessica from unfair or inappropriate remarks your mother makes.  Whether Jessica is there to hear them or not.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm wondering if this a strict Christian denomination.  Just by the way LW feels like they need permission to date.

    But LW should tell mom now.  If she acts pretty much the same way, it may be that mom needs to see LW less and less.  And as S+S said, LW must always stick up for Jessica when unwarranted and unfair comments are made by mom.

  • Okay, so I don't think it's a permission thing. I think it's a "my mother hated my ex and I don't want her to automatically hate this one"

    Similar happened with M when I first met him. He advised his mum wasn't a fan of his ex, and she might seem a little hesitant at first just to 'play it safe' for herself. Also their break up was a bad one.

    I completely understood. I explained my parents weren't a fan of my ex - they were nice, but they just didn't see us happening - so they might be hesitant.

    It definitely took awhile for me to get into M's mum's good graces, but it definitely helped that I was warned so I could put the effort in. Like for her birthday, I offered to bring some red velvet cupcakes over because she liked them {and I enjoy baking}

    I think LW needs to talk to his mum, and new gf about it. Let gf know his mum is hesitant, given the past issues and explain that this is a different girl and to give her a chance.
  • I always found this funny but, in my family, it was my sister who was the extremely difficult one for my b/fs to win over.  She was always polite to them and would only express her concern about them to me once or twice.  And her concerns were always something specific and not just a general "I don't like him".  So I appreciated she let me know her opinion without being obnoxious or rude to them or me about it.  And sometimes, she even liked the guy just fine as a person, but didn't think he was right for me.

    I kid you not.  There was not one b/f she approved of for me, until I met my H.  Which was in my mid-20's! 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @short+sassy  there's one in every family :) lol
  • Fly little bird. Fly! Date who you love regardless if your mom acts like an ice queen. Katie was obviously a bitch and mom probably knows that not everyone is Katie....so it seems like nbd to tell mom about a new flame who is so much different. 

    But like, why now? He's abroad. See if the relationship weathers international dating waters and have a chat when you get home.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • I always found this funny but, in my family, it was my sister who was the extremely difficult one for my b/fs to win over.  She was always polite to them and would only express her concern about them to me once or twice.  And her concerns were always something specific and not just a general "I don't like him".  So I appreciated she let me know her opinion without being obnoxious or rude to them or me about it.  And sometimes, she even liked the guy just fine as a person, but didn't think he was right for me.

    I kid you not.  There was not one b/f she approved of for me, until I met my H.  Which was in my mid-20's! 

    My family hated ALL of my BF's until DH.  Well, the ones they met.  I didn't bring people home until I had to and I had one guy who just would not come to meet them (should have been a red flag, but I dated him twice and he was the last dude I had sex with before I met DH).   

    When I broke up with the guy I thought I was going to marry before DH (he asked for permission to marry me (unbeknownst to me) and then chickened out on getting a ring), my family practically threw a party because they hated him so much.  I *still* work with him and we're very friendly if I ever run into him when I'm at the office (which it's been more than a year, I think, since I went up there).  I didn't think he was that bad, but I always very young when we were together and I don't really remember a whole lot about our relationship. 
  • I think whether you tell Mom or not, you should definitely give Jessica a heads up what she might be walking into, but not until you know it’s going to be a thing. Slow down, and be open with Jessica if/when it gets to that point. 
  • Ugh, my advice is for "Jessica."  Run for the hills!
    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards