Wedding Woes

Don't want to sleep in the death room

Dear Prudence,

My father died last month in my former bedroom in my mother’s house. Now when I visit I am expected to sleep in my former room as it is the only place in the house available. I cannot stay at a hotel because of my family situation, so that option is out for me. I feel really uncomfortable and uneasy about sleeping in the room. The bed he died in has been removed so that is not the issue here. Can you offer me any advice on this matter?

—Uncomfortable

Re: Don't want to sleep in the death room

  • Agree with @MissKittyDanger what is the "family situation" that prevents you from staying at a hotel? Is there really no other option? Talk to your mother about your concerns.
    MissKittyDanger
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited November 9
    This just brings up questions

    - why was he in your room?
    - what family issues prevent you from staying at a hotel?
    - is a couch not an option?
    All of this. 

    Plus, I personally don't understand the mentality of this LW regarding their concern about staying in the room.  I mean, FIL still sleeps in his room and bed that she shared with MIL and she died in that room and on the bed.  It's an object and a place.  It doesn't hold any power unless you let it.  I don't go in FIL's bedroom and think of it as MIL's death room.  I  have a hard time conceptualizing the problem. 

    I housesat when I was 19 in the mansion of an old man who passed away (I was hooked up with the gig through my friend's stepdad who was his caretaker).  BFF and I were paid to stay there because his niece and executrix of his estate didn't want the house to be 'lonely' and didn't want to take in his pets (she was very eccentric...she would tell us all about her interpretive dance group among other things).  I slept in the room the old man died in and the hospital bed he died in was in the room.  I would dare my friends to sit on it and let me take their pic. 
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • mrsconn23 said:
    This just brings up questions

    - why was he in your room?
    - what family issues prevent you from staying at a hotel?
    - is a couch not an option?
    All of this. 

    Plus, I personally don't understand the mentality of this LW regarding their concern about staying in the room.  I mean, FIL still sleeps in his room and bed that she shared with MIL and she died in that room and on the bed.  It's an object and a place.  It doesn't hold any power unless you let it.  I don't go in FIL's bedroom and think of it as MIL's death room.  I  have a hard time conceptualizing the problem. 

    I housesat when I was 19 in the mansion of an old man who passed away (I was hooked up with the gig through my friend's stepdad who was his caretaker).  BFF and I were paid to stay there because his niece and executrix of his estate didn't want the house to be 'lonely' and didn't want to take in his pets.  I slept in the room the old man died in and the hospital bed he died in was in the room.  I would dare my friends to sit on it and let me take their pic. 
    I mean I kind of get where LW is coming from. My dad passed on a couch, and my mum - who didn't often sit on the couch - felt that she couldn't personally keep the couch. To her it didn't feel right, and she couldn't explain why. Might be just a grieving thing also
    <iframe width="350" height="240" src="https://w2.countingdownto.com/1982415" frameborder="0"></iframe>
    mrsconn23southernbelle0915charlotte989875
  • mrsconn23 said:
    This just brings up questions

    - why was he in your room?
    - what family issues prevent you from staying at a hotel?
    - is a couch not an option?
    All of this. 

    Plus, I personally don't understand the mentality of this LW regarding their concern about staying in the room.  I mean, FIL still sleeps in his room and bed that she shared with MIL and she died in that room and on the bed.  It's an object and a place.  It doesn't hold any power unless you let it.  I don't go in FIL's bedroom and think of it as MIL's death room.  I  have a hard time conceptualizing the problem. 

    I housesat when I was 19 in the mansion of an old man who passed away (I was hooked up with the gig through my friend's stepdad who was his caretaker).  BFF and I were paid to stay there because his niece and executrix of his estate didn't want the house to be 'lonely' and didn't want to take in his pets.  I slept in the room the old man died in and the hospital bed he died in was in the room.  I would dare my friends to sit on it and let me take their pic. 
    I mean I kind of get where LW is coming from. My dad passed on a couch, and my mum - who didn't often sit on the couch - felt that she couldn't personally keep the couch. To her it didn't feel right, and she couldn't explain why. Might be just a grieving thing also
    Oh I know...I'm just thinking the room represents something else here since the LW seems to be putting all the issues on the room.  I definitely think there are bigger issues at play and the room is representing some sort of struggle for the LW with their family and/or grief. 
    MissKittyDanger
  • Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875
  • @MissKittyDanger, great suggestions

    But, overall, I especially agree with @mrsconn23.  I'd be a little more understanding of the LW if the "death bed" were still there.  Though I don't think even that is something most people wouldn't care about.  But to not even want to sleep in the same room sounds bizarre to me.

    I mean, is the LW's solution to just set the whole house aflame, while the mother rends her garments in grief?  I realize I'm being even more dramatic, but that is the tight rope LW is starting to edge towards.

    Grief counseling is usually a good idea anyway.  It certainly wouldn't hurt the LW to attend a few sessions.  Maybe that will help.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MissKittyDanger
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    This just brings up questions

    - why was he in your room?
    - what family issues prevent you from staying at a hotel?
    - is a couch not an option?
    All of this. 

    Plus, I personally don't understand the mentality of this LW regarding their concern about staying in the room.  I mean, FIL still sleeps in his room and bed that she shared with MIL and she died in that room and on the bed.  It's an object and a place.  It doesn't hold any power unless you let it.  I don't go in FIL's bedroom and think of it as MIL's death room.  I  have a hard time conceptualizing the problem. 

    I housesat when I was 19 in the mansion of an old man who passed away (I was hooked up with the gig through my friend's stepdad who was his caretaker).  BFF and I were paid to stay there because his niece and executrix of his estate didn't want the house to be 'lonely' and didn't want to take in his pets.  I slept in the room the old man died in and the hospital bed he died in was in the room.  I would dare my friends to sit on it and let me take their pic. 
    I mean I kind of get where LW is coming from. My dad passed on a couch, and my mum - who didn't often sit on the couch - felt that she couldn't personally keep the couch. To her it didn't feel right, and she couldn't explain why. Might be just a grieving thing also
    Oh I know...I'm just thinking the room represents something else here since the LW seems to be putting all the issues on the room.  I definitely think there are bigger issues at play and the room is representing some sort of struggle for the LW with their family and/or grief. 
    Very likely it's a bigger thing at play with LW's mind.

    Like @short+sassy  mentioned, counseling would help.
    <iframe width="350" height="240" src="https://w2.countingdownto.com/1982415" frameborder="0"></iframe>
    short+sassy
  • Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited November 9
    Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Any time I've seen it on the real housewives (the only time I've seen it happen and y'know, they're the experts ;) ), it's literally lighting a bunch of sage on fire and walking through the rooms as it lets off smoke.  I think you can say a prayer or incantation, but I'm not sure you have to.  Sage smudging is a cleansing process...warding off spirits/bad juju. 
    MissKittyDangermissJeanLouisecharlotte989875sparklepants41
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Any time I've seen it on the real housewives (the only time I've seen it happen and y'know, they're the experts ;) ), it's literally lighting a bunch of sage on fire and walking through the rooms as it lets off smoke.  I think you can say a prayer or incantation, but I'm not sure you have to.  Sage smudging is a cleansing process...warding off spirits/bad juju. 
    Sage also smells lovely
    <iframe width="350" height="240" src="https://w2.countingdownto.com/1982415" frameborder="0"></iframe>
    mrsconn23missJeanLouisecharlotte989875
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Any time I've seen it on the real housewives (the only time I've seen it happen and y'know, they're the experts ;) ), it's literally lighting a bunch of sage on fire and walking through the rooms as it lets off smoke.  I think you can say a prayer or incantation, but I'm not sure you have to.  Sage smudging is a cleansing process...warding off spirits/bad juju. 
    Sage also smells lovely
    Yes, if nothing else happens, at least your house will smell nice. 
    missJeanLouisecharlotte989875sparklepants41
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Any time I've seen it on the real housewives (the only time I've seen it happen and y'know, they're the experts ;) ), it's literally lighting a bunch of sage on fire and walking through the rooms as it lets off smoke.  I think you can say a prayer or incantation, but I'm not sure you have to.  Sage smudging is a cleansing process...warding off spirits/bad juju. 


    I've also very occasionally seen it on HGTV shows.  If something "bad" had happened in the house or the buyer feels the house has a bad "aura" and needs to be cleansed.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23missJeanLouisecharlotte989875
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Any time I've seen it on the real housewives (the only time I've seen it happen and y'know, they're the experts ;) ), it's literally lighting a bunch of sage on fire and walking through the rooms as it lets off smoke.  I think you can say a prayer or incantation, but I'm not sure you have to.  Sage smudging is a cleansing process...warding off spirits/bad juju. 

    I've also very occasionally seen it on HGTV shows.  If something "bad" had happened in the house or the buyer feels the house has a bad "aura" and needs to be cleansed.

    That kind of sounds like the Skeleton Key though...like if you don't believe, is it really going to work? 

    But yea, sage smells amazing regardless of the outcome. :D
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    missJeanLouisecharlotte989875
  • Try Sage smudging. If nothing else maybe it would bring peace of mind.
    what is this?
    Everyone is right. Basically you burn a bundle of it, moving around the house, probably saying a blessing of some sort, to ward off bad spirits/vibes/juju... 

    if you think it is nonsense, it won’t make a difference but if LW were open to it, s/he might sleep better at home. Worst case scenario, it will smell good. 
    short+sassy
  • oh FFS, stay at a hotel. 

    I could maybe see the "ick factor" if they were expecting her to use the same bed - or even the "still in mourning/it would upset me too much" since the death was recent, but if it's a question of from now to eternity, just get the damn hotel. 
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
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