(Not close) sister refuses to wear a dress...?

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed

Let's rephrase things. 

I am not close with my sister at all. My mother updates me on her life, my mother updates her on my life. I text her frequently and try and call on a regular basis, however that being said, I have received a grand total of three texts from her in the past 8 months. 

My mother begged my fiance and I to have a wedding. We obliged. 

When choosing a wedding party, the only person I explicitly asked to be a bridesmaid is a MOH. Every single other person I asked to be in the wedding in some capacity, depending on what they felt most comfortable doing, not necessarily be a bridesmaid. I understand that it can be too much for a person to help with, but there are other ways for them to be involved. To each and every person that I sent the invite to be in the wedding to, I said, "If you would like to be a bridesmaid instead of some other attendant, this is the dress that the MOH has picked out."

I have texted and called my sister relentlessly, and it took her four months and arm twisting from my mother to get her to respond to me. I received three texts: the first stating that she will be in the wedding but doesn't care what she is doing, the second stating that she will not wear a dress (to which I said that is fine, there are plenty of other ways to be just as involved or more involved in the wedding, I offered for her to officiate), and the third saying that she had to go to work. She hasn't gotten back in touch with me for TWO MONTHS. Several people of varying rolls in the wedding party, MIL, and my mother have begged her to get in touch with me and she still hasn't for unsited reasons. 

My mother, in the meantime, told her she would be a bridesmaid. I DID NOT tell her that. I figured, given her personality, she would choose to have some other roll regardless. My mother told her she would be a bridesmaid because 1., my fiance's sisters are bridesmaids and, according to my mother, I cannot have his sisters and not my own; and 2., "that is what women do in a wedding" according to my mother. It will cause family drama if my sister is not a bridesmaid. It may very well cause more family drama if she is a bridesmaid that does not dress the part. 

I have three questions:

1. How best do I approach things with my mother? 

2. Because of how uncommunicative she has been, and how hellacious it would be to have her theoretically in the wedding party but refusing to talk to people, is it unfair to rescind my invitation? It has been SIX MONTHS of this. 

3. If she does come around and confirm an interest in the wedding and start acting like she'd genuinely like to be involved, due to the fact that the extent of my knowledge from my sister is that she is willing to be in the wedding (NOT necessarily a bridesmaid) AND that she has staunchly refused to get in touch with me regarding ANYTHING AT ALL, how unfair is it for me to say she has three choices: dress and bridesmaid, her own outfit and a roll she decides, or not involved? 


So... I am not close with my sister AT ALL. I wouldn't go so far as to call her estranged, but the only reason we ever talk is because we are siblings, not because we get along in any way, shape, or form. My mother twisted my arm into asking her to be in my wedding. I have an amazing relationship with my fiance's two sisters, so asked them to be in the wedding as well. Neither of which cared what exactly they did, but I really want both of them to be bridesmaids. They both immediately said yes and jumped right on board to helping plan. It took three months of practically harassing my sister to get a response out of her. She said she wanted to be in it, but didn't care what. I said great, the more the merrier, here's a link to the dress I am thinking about for bridesmaids.
 
Here's where it gets tricky. 

My sister has recently come out as gender fluid. The very first thing she said was, "Well, I will be in it, but I won't wear a dress." I said no, please wear a dress. I never got a response, and haven't heard from her since that, and that was a month ago. My mother has said that if my sister is not a bridesmaid, the soon-to-be sister-in-laws cannot be bridesmaids. If she was a brother, my mother would have absolutely no problem with her not being in the bridal party because tradition states it is composed of women. If I was close with my sister I would try and come up with other things for her to wear. However, because I am not close with her and honestly don't care if she is even there, I do not want to go out of my way to accommodate her. I tried coming up with a different role for her, but again, my mother said that if she is not a bridesmaid, his sisters cannot be bridesmaids. I want to give my sister the ultimatum that she needs to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, come up with her own other role in the wedding to be involved, or not be involved. I know that this will upset my mother, though.

Am I being unfair and harsh? What do I do about my mother? Advice?

lovesclimbing

Oh goodness.

First off, you shouldn't have asked your sister if you're not close. That ship has sailed so you should let her wear pants. Ask her to wear black pants and top in the same color as the dresses. It won't look weird. 

Regarding, your mother's ultimatums. Um, tell your mother it's not her decision? I mean, how exactly can she force you to not have his sisters in the wedding? Is she paying and saying she'll withdraw the financing if you don't have your sister? In that case, you can still have them and not your sister, just say, "ok, we will finance our own wedding." 

I think you need to tell your mother, "I don't know why this is so important to you. Her being in my wedding will not magically make us BFF's. She will be in family photos and such, of course, and will attend the wedding as an honored guest."

ernursej

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed said:

So... I am not close with my sister AT ALL. I wouldn't go so far as to call her estranged, but the only reason we ever talk is because we are siblings, not because we get along in any way, shape, or form. My mother twisted my arm into asking her to be in my wedding. I have an amazing relationship with my fiance's two sisters, so asked them to be in the wedding as well. Neither of which cared what exactly they did, but I really want both of them to be bridesmaids. They both immediately said yes and jumped right on board to helping plan. It took three months of practically harassing my sister to get a response out of her. She said she wanted to be in it, but didn't care what. I said great, the more the merrier, here's a link to the dress I am thinking about for bridesmaids.
 
Here's where it gets tricky. 

My sister has recently come out as gender fluid. The very first thing she said was, "Well, I will be in it, but I won't wear a dress." I said no, please wear a dress. I never got a response, and haven't heard from her since that, and that was a month ago. My mother has said that if my sister is not a bridesmaid, the soon-to-be sister-in-laws cannot be bridesmaids. If she was a brother, my mother would have absolutely no problem with her not being in the bridal party because tradition states it is composed of women. If I was close with my sister I would try and come up with other things for her to wear. However, because I am not close with her and honestly don't care if she is even there, I do not want to go out of my way to accommodate her. I tried coming up with a different role for her, but again, my mother said that if she is not a bridesmaid, his sisters cannot be bridesmaids. I want to give my sister the ultimatum that she needs to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, come up with her own other role in the wedding to be involved, or not be involved. I know that this will upset my mother, though.

Am I being unfair and harsh? What do I do about my mother? Advice?

First thing ... tell your mother to butt out. You and only you get to decide who is in your party. 

Second thing ... call your sister and apologize for your rudeness and pathetic understanding of who she is. You should make every effort to be thoughtful to what she would be comfortable wearing. The best action would have been to not ask someone you weren’t close with to be in your party but that ship has sailed. Do everything in your power to appreciate that your sister’s identity questioning is something that should be supported. Bridal parties do not have to be gender segregated. You sister could be offered something identical to what the men are wearing if she does not want to wear a dress. 

Tale this his opportunity to remind yourself that the people in our lives are very important and the best thing we can do is be open, supportive and inclusive. 

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed

I never asked her to be a bridesmaid, just to be in the wedding in some capacity. The only person I explicitly asked to be a bridesmaid is my MOH; everyone else asked. My mother is the one who told her she could be a bridesmaid because she is a girl. She won't pull financing, but the wedding means significantly more to her than it does my fiance and I. The only reason we are having one is for our parents, pretty much. As far as apologizing to my sister, I said I understand her discomfort wearing a dress, and the other option for her is to take up another roll in the wedding. It isn't do it or don't be involved at all. As she is family, yes, I would love for her to be in it in some way. As she is not close, no I do not feel like I have a responsibility to come up with different solutions for her that she may very well just shoot down as well. I asked my male siblings to be involved, but not in my bridal party, I am asking the same of her. I guess my question is more how do I salvage things with my mother. 

Also... pretty hard to call her when she doesn't even answer your texts.

STARMOON44

Wow. Grow up. Srsly. You need to work on being better than this. Your mommy can’t make you fire your future sister’s in law. Your sister can be a member of the bridal party no matter what she wears or which gender she is. 

downtondiva

Honestly, your sister wearing a dress or wearing something else isn't a hill worth dying on. And really, the fact that you and she aren't close isn't an excuse to make someone who is gender fluid wear something that is uncomfortable for them. I recommend that you reach out to her again, this time apologizing for the dispute over the dress, and making suggestions as to what she could wear instead of the dress, depending on what's comfortable for her.  Keep trying if she doesn't respond right away. If she's not responding to texts, then call her, which you should have done already considering the circumstances. If by the time of the wedding she hasn't responded or gotten something appropriate to wear, then she's taken herself out of the wedding party.

artbyallie

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed said:

I never asked her to be a bridesmaid, just to be in the wedding in some capacity. The only person I explicitly asked to be a bridesmaid is my MOH; everyone else asked. My mother is the one who told her she could be a bridesmaid because she is a girl. She won't pull financing, but the wedding means significantly more to her than it does my fiance and I. The only reason we are having one is for our parents, pretty much. As far as apologizing to my sister, I said I understand her discomfort wearing a dress, and the other option for her is to take up another roll in the wedding. It isn't do it or don't be involved at all. As she is family, yes, I would love for her to be in it in some way. As she is not close, no I do not feel like I have a responsibility to come up with different solutions for her that she may very well just shoot down as well. I asked my male siblings to be involved, but not in my bridal party, I am asking the same of her. I guess my question is more how do I salvage things with my mother. 

Also... pretty hard to call her when she doesn't even answer your texts.

If your sibling is genderfluid, they do not necessarily identify as feminine all the time. You (and your mother!) should respect your sibling's identity (and pronouns, if they have specified, which might still be female pronouns even if she does not want to wear a dress). And also, hey, guess what? Who does it affect if this sibling wears whatever the hell they want in the wedding? Absolutely nobody. Pick a different hill to die on and get your mother on board, please.

Andplusalso, bridal parties do NOT have to be gender-segregated. It's 2017, for goodness' sake.

ernursej

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed said:

I never asked her to be a bridesmaid, just to be in the wedding in some capacity. The only person I explicitly asked to be a bridesmaid is my MOH; everyone else asked. My mother is the one who told her she could be a bridesmaid because she is a girl. She won't pull financing, but the wedding means significantly more to her than it does my fiance and I. The only reason we are having one is for our parents, pretty much. As far as apologizing to my sister, I said I understand her discomfort wearing a dress, and the other option for her is to take up another roll in the wedding. It isn't do it or don't be involved at all. As she is family, yes, I would love for her to be in it in some way. As she is not close, no I do not feel like I have a responsibility to come up with different solutions for her that she may very well just shoot down as well. I asked my male siblings to be involved, but not in my bridal party, I am asking the same of her. I guess my question is more how do I salvage things with my mother. 

Also... pretty hard to call her when she doesn't even answer your texts.

When you sent her the picture for the dresses you were envisioning, that was asking her to be in your wedding party. 

The easiest thing for for you to do is send a text apologizing and tell her that she can wear whatever would make her comfortable. 

I think the the relationship with your Mother needs to be prodded. She should be ashamed that she is forcing her will on your wedding party and her thoughts about gender segregated groups are outdated and rude. 

Jen4948

First, you need to tell your mother that wedding party membership is an area of your wedding that she is not entitled to control. It's one of the few areas where paying does not give a say to anyone other than the couple.

Beyond that, I would text your sister letting her know she can wear pants rather than a dress if that's okay with you and would make her comfortable. Then I'd stop texting her and let her either come wearing whatever she wants, or not, and let it go at that. If you weren't close before you got engaged, then the sad fact of life is that your wedding isn't going to bring you closer together. Weddings tend not to do that.

missJeanLouise

knottieb439e15cbfa1b1ed said:

Let's rephrase things. 

I am not close with my sister at all. My mother updates me on her life, my mother updates her on my life. I text her frequently and try and call on a regular basis, however that being said, I have received a grand total of three texts from her in the past 8 months. 

My mother begged my fiance and I to have a wedding. We obliged. 

When choosing a wedding party, the only person I explicitly asked to be a bridesmaid is a MOH. Every single other person I asked to be in the wedding in some capacity, depending on what they felt most comfortable doing, not necessarily be a bridesmaid. I understand that it can be too much for a person to help with, but there are other ways for them to be involved. To each and every person that I sent the invite to be in the wedding to, I said, "If you would like to be a bridesmaid instead of some other attendant, this is the dress that the MOH has picked out."

I have texted and called my sister relentlessly, and it took her four months and arm twisting from my mother to get her to respond to me. I received three texts: the first stating that she will be in the wedding but doesn't care what she is doing, the second stating that she will not wear a dress (to which I said that is fine, there are plenty of other ways to be just as involved or more involved in the wedding, I offered for her to officiate), and the third saying that she had to go to work. She hasn't gotten back in touch with me for TWO MONTHS. Several people of varying rolls in the wedding party, MIL, and my mother have begged her to get in touch with me and she still hasn't for unsited reasons. 

My mother, in the meantime, told her she would be a bridesmaid. I DID NOT tell her that. I figured, given her personality, she would choose to have some other roll regardless. My mother told her she would be a bridesmaid because 1., my fiance's sisters are bridesmaids and, according to my mother, I cannot have his sisters and not my own; and 2., "that is what women do in a wedding" according to my mother. It will cause family drama if my sister is not a bridesmaid. It may very well cause more family drama if she is a bridesmaid that does not dress the part. 

I have three questions:

1. How best do I approach things with my mother? 

2. Because of how uncommunicative she has been, and how hellacious it would be to have her theoretically in the wedding party but refusing to talk to people, is it unfair to rescind my invitation? It has been SIX MONTHS of this. 

3. If she does come around and confirm an interest in the wedding and start acting like she'd genuinely like to be involved, due to the fact that the extent of my knowledge from my sister is that she is willing to be in the wedding (NOT necessarily a bridesmaid) AND that she has staunchly refused to get in touch with me regarding ANYTHING AT ALL, how unfair is it for me to say she has three choices: dress and bridesmaid, her own outfit and a roll she decides, or not involved? 


So... I am not close with my sister AT ALL. I wouldn't go so far as to call her estranged, but the only reason we ever talk is because we are siblings, not because we get along in any way, shape, or form. My mother twisted my arm into asking her to be in my wedding. I have an amazing relationship with my fiance's two sisters, so asked them to be in the wedding as well. Neither of which cared what exactly they did, but I really want both of them to be bridesmaids. They both immediately said yes and jumped right on board to helping plan. It took three months of practically harassing my sister to get a response out of her. She said she wanted to be in it, but didn't care what. I said great, the more the merrier, here's a link to the dress I am thinking about for bridesmaids.
 
Here's where it gets tricky. 

My sister has recently come out as gender fluid. The very first thing she said was, "Well, I will be in it, but I won't wear a dress." I said no, please wear a dress. I never got a response, and haven't heard from her since that, and that was a month ago. My mother has said that if my sister is not a bridesmaid, the soon-to-be sister-in-laws cannot be bridesmaids. If she was a brother, my mother would have absolutely no problem with her not being in the bridal party because tradition states it is composed of women. If I was close with my sister I would try and come up with other things for her to wear. However, because I am not close with her and honestly don't care if she is even there, I do not want to go out of my way to accommodate her. I tried coming up with a different role for her, but again, my mother said that if she is not a bridesmaid, his sisters cannot be bridesmaids. I want to give my sister the ultimatum that she needs to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, come up with her own other role in the wedding to be involved, or not be involved. I know that this will upset my mother, though.

Am I being unfair and harsh? What do I do about my mother? Advice?

To the bolded: She probably hasn’t reached out because everyone is annoying the crap out of her.  Seriously, your MIL and bridal party are involved in your family drama!? If my family did this I wouldn’t talk to them either.

1. Is your mother paying for the wedding? If so, give the money back, cancel the whole thing and plan something you and your fiancé can afford. Your mother is making crazy demands of you and your sister. She making a production of your wedding and not caring about you at all.

2. Don’t recind your invitation but do let her choose what she wants to wear. 

3. Involved how?? All a bridesmaid has to do is show up on time, usually in the agreed upon attire, and mostly sober. They don’t have to do or care about anything else.

southernbelle0915

Your mom is the problem here - not your sister. 

If someone told your mom to wear a tuxedo to your wedding (even though she isn't comfortable in one) or she can't be in the processional/seated in the MOB spot, etc. wouldn't that seem pushy and unfair? This is the same thing. It doesn't matter if your mom "doesn't think it's right" or whatever other transphobic garbage she's probably spewing. 

You've asked your sister to have a role in the wedding - and it sounds like bridesmaid since you asked her to buy a dress. No other role buys specific clothing. Here are some options:

- Let her pick out a pants suit in a complimenting color (assuming you have more than one wedding color) - this is probably the best option to satisfy her and your mom 
- Let her wear what the GMs are wearing - this would probably (unjustifiably) piss off your mom
- Give her a couple of color swatches and style guidelines and tell her to pick out whatever she wants (pending your ok). - this gives you the least control, but at least you can give a thumbs up or down.

climbingwife

Your mother needs to butt out of your wedding party. You get to pick whomever you'd like to stand up for you. You don't have to pick your sister, just because she's your sister. It sounds like you're not close, so she should not be a bridesmaid. I feel like possibly that ship has already sailed though, by what you and your mother have said to her. 

Also, you shouldn't be trying to force a dress on anyone. Why would you do this, if you know she's not comfortable in a dress? Pick a color and let her pick out an outfit that matches, that she's comfortable with. 

And apologize to her for trying to force her into a dress. 

Also, the word is ROLE. Not roll. 

charlotte989875

Let your sister be a bridesmaid and wear pants. 

Tell your mother to butt out of your wedding party. This isn't for her to decide. 

You're making things harder than they need to be. 

LondonLisa

If you are so young that your mum can tell you to have a wedding and tell you who your bridesmaids are, you are too young to get married. 

You don't have a sister issue, you have 'spineless to mummy' issue. You need to start creating healthy boundaries with your mother. She does this because you let her. No is not a naughty word. 

I would call your sister and say "look, there has been a lot of miscommunication about the wedding coming from mum. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. If you would like to have a role, I would be more than happy to arrange that and it would be great to have you involved. If you would prefer to just be a guest, then that is absolutely fine. Regardless, in any of these situations, I want you to wear whatever you want to and feel confident in. The most important thing is that you are comfortable and enjoy the day. Let's try to speak directly about wedding things, because something is getting seriously lost in translation with mum.'

sparklepants41

Your sister does not need to wear a dress. Especially if your sister is not comfortable wearing a dress. PPs have offered great suggestions for dress substitutions. 

Also, aside from being in the bridal party or one of the groom's attendants (which are up to the groom to choose - not you), what other roles are there? Please do not be one of those brides who thinks "personal attendant" or "program hander-outer" or "transporter of decorations from the ceremony to the reception" are roles of honor. They are chores. 

Third, when is your wedding? If your wedding is not for another 6-8 months or more, has it occurred to you that your sister may not think ordering a dress/required outfit is a priority at this time? 

Finally, your mother is overstepping her bounds and you also need to apologize to your sister for making your sister uncomfortable. 

nicgetsknotted

Big girl panty pulling up time.

In relation to mom:

"Mom, while it's very generous of you to fund the wedding, and we appreciate it very much, it's important to me that those standing up next to me on my wedding day are my nearest and dearest. Please don't bring this up again as decisions in this area have been made and are final."

In relation to your sister/the dress:

While technically it's true that the only job of a person in the bridal party is to show up in the defined attire, in this situation I urge you to realize that you are putting your sister in one corner and a dress in the other. I know you and her are not close, but you are choosing a dress over her, and she must find that hurtful. Look at this as the first possible place to extend the olive branch and perhaps begin to mend your relationship. Ten years from now, I bet you'd be happier she was there in whatever than if she wasn't standing up with you so everyone would match.

In relation to this whole 'I've assigned a role, but not which role' stuff:

Please stop. There are three roles of honor at most weddings: Bridesperson, groomsperson and reader. Some people throw in ushers but even that is a little questionable depending on the wedding. This is another moment where you put on your big girl pants and decide who you would like to ask TO DO WHAT. The wishy washy stuff sounds like excuse making honestly. If someone asks me to be in their wedding, I assume I am just that, in the wedding. If you turn around in 6 months and tell me I'm handing out programs, it's not gonna go over well. Don't do this to people. And remember, anything that could be done by a table is not a proper job for a human being, and anything with the word 'attendant' attached to it needs to be thrown so far away you can't see it anymore.

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2

Here's my perspective, as someone who ended up having to wear a dress to be in a wedding that made me very very uncomfortable.

I came out to my mother as a lesbian about 7 months before her wedding. The very first thing that came out of her mouth when I told her I was gay was "but you'll still wear a dress to my wedding, right?" I am a butch dyke. I have never been comfortable in dresses.
I asked if I could wear a suit, multiple times. She refused. I didn't want to cause a lot of family drama so soon after coming out (there are serious consequences when gay people refuse to apologize for themselves and bend themselves into what straight people want them to be).
I wore a bridesmaids dress and heels to the wedding. The entire time, I felt like crawling out of my skin. I am visibly uncomfortable in all the pictures. I felt like I was in drag. The photographer had to keep telling me to stand "less athletically". Whatever that means.
I'm sure you can find something that your sister could wear that would look nice and not be uncomfortable for her.
But if this is the way you treat her, honestly, I'm not surprised that she doesn't return your messages. My mother apologized for making me wear a dress a few years after the wedding, when she had a better understanding of things. You probably don't want to be having to do that.

nicgetsknotted

knottie6fe2cc5434160aa2 said:

Here's my perspective, as someone who ended up having to wear a dress to be in a wedding that made me very very uncomfortable.

I came out to my mother as a lesbian about 7 months before her wedding. The very first thing that came out of her mouth when I told her I was gay was "but you'll still wear a dress to my wedding, right?" I am a butch dyke. I have never been comfortable in dresses.
I asked if I could wear a suit, multiple times. She refused. I didn't want to cause a lot of family drama so soon after coming out (there are serious consequences when gay people refuse to apologize for themselves and bend themselves into what straight people want them to be).
I wore a bridesmaids dress and heels to the wedding. The entire time, I felt like crawling out of my skin. I am visibly uncomfortable in all the pictures. I felt like I was in drag. The photographer had to keep telling me to stand "less athletically". Whatever that means.
I'm sure you can find something that your sister could wear that would look nice and not be uncomfortable for her.
But if this is the way you treat her, honestly, I'm not surprised that she doesn't return your messages. My mother apologized for making me wear a dress a few years after the wedding, when she had a better understanding of things. You probably don't want to be having to do that.

I would have atheletically punched him right in the dick.

short+sassy

nicgetsknotted said:

In relation to this whole 'I've assigned a role, but not which role' stuff:

Please stop. There are three roles of honor at most weddings: Bridesperson, groomsperson and reader. Some people throw in ushers but even that is a little questionable depending on the wedding. This is another moment where you put on your big girl pants and decide who you would like to ask TO DO WHAT. The wishy washy stuff sounds like excuse making honestly. If someone asks me to be in their wedding, I assume I am just that, in the wedding. If you turn around in 6 months and tell me I'm handing out programs, it's not gonna go over well. Don't do this to people. And remember, anything that could be done by a table is not a proper job for a human being, and anything with the word 'attendant' attached to it needs to be thrown so far away you can't see it anymore.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of the confusion started with this.  Normally, a person is asked, "Do you want to be a reader?"  Or, "Do you want to be a bridesmaid?"

You didn't define the roles you were asking of people.  If you could go back in time, my suggestion would have been to specifically ask your sister to be a reader.  Since you aren't that close to her, but would like her to have a role in your wedding.  But that ship has sailed.

I know your sister is hard to get in touch with.  Go with her preferred method of communication (call, text, or e-mail) and reach out.  Apologize about the dress and mom fiasco.  I'd stay with the assumption everyone seems to have that she was asked to be a BM.  Assure her that you do want her as one of your bridal party and she can wear X,Y, or Z (with some of those choices including pants).

If she doesn't get in touch with you, she doesn't get in touch with you.

I know it is easier said than done but, on your wedding day, she can either chose to walk down the aisle as part of the WP or chose to just be a guest.  You'll probably know ahead of time what her plans are, but it actually doesn't matter much.  Your all's WP knows how to walk down an aisle and it is just a slight tweak, if she does or doesn't.

CMGragain

Things I taught my children:

1.  People's feelings are more important than things.

2.  You consider people's feelings before you do or say anything that might hurt their feelings.

3.  The two above rules apply to EVERYBODY, including family members.  You do not get to treat family members differently than you would treat other people.

SP29

Contact your sister (I think you need to stop texting and call her). Apologize for the confusion going on. Re-iterate that you would love her to stand up as one of your bridesmaids and that you want her to be comfortable. Send her a pic of the dress your bridesmaids are wearing, and the suit the groomsmen are wearing and let her choose what she is most comfortable wearing. Tell her that you would like to keep all wedding communication between the two of you, not with Mom in the middle, as she is overstepping her bounds. If your sister does not contact you back or show up on your wedding day in one of the WP outfits, she has removed herself from the WP. No big deal. Once you've apologized for making your sister uncomfortable and given her the information, you can stop worrying about the wedding aspect. Whether or not your sister stands up in your wedding will not make you more or less married and it isn't something you need to continue to "hash out". I wouldn't blame your sister if she doesn't want to continue.

Stop talking to your Mom about the wedding party. Your mother has no say in the wedding party or what they wear, even if she is paying. If she brings it up again you can say, "I talked to Sister. Don't worry, I've got it covered".

I think you've made all this more difficult by being wishy-washy from the start and doing something you've never really wanted. Even though you have agreed to have a larger wedding than you wanted, you could have done without the wedding party. But once you decided to have a WP, I think you should have directly asked each person to either stand up with you, or perform a reading.

I've seen a number of wedding "blunders" happen that were because the couple really didn't care about it from the get go and was just doing the traditional wedding thing because their family them wanted to. Doing things "just" for family seems trouble than it's worth, and someone ends up being stressed out, upset or offended.

lovesclimbing

Sorry, but asking someone to buy a bridesmaid dress IS asking them to be a bridesmaid. 

Personal anecdote time. 

My sister was my MoH. So when her wedding rolled around, of course, I would be her MoH. Well, she didn't tell me that! She just assumed I would know, I guess. I'd been on TK long enough to know you never assume you're in the WP, so I never said anything. She was talking about dresses in a group of us and started talking about "your dress." So I said, "Oh, am I a bridesmaid?" and she said, "well yea."  And then I STILL didn't know I was a MoH, not just a bridesmaid, until it came up chatting with our mom, and my mom was like, "Pretty sure you're MoH," and I was like, "Well she never asked me and she can ask whoever," and then my mom called her and told her to call me and tell me I was her MoH, which she finally did, lol. It's kind of funny looking back now. 

Your way of "I didn't ask anyone but the MoH, just asked them generally to participate and if they don't like the dress they don't have to be a bridesmaid" is not really how it's done, so I'm not surprised she thinks she's in the WP. 

MairePoppy

There's so much going on here, but you're focused on the dress. I agree with those who say you 1. should have told mom to butt out. 2. when you sent you sister the dress info, you were asking her to be a bm. Now, you can't unask her. 

If your sister doesn't wear dresses, for whatever reason, why should she be expected to change for your wedding. If you have been ignoring that your sister does not identify as feminine, that could be the reason she ignores you and only responds to texts to get you off her back. Or it may be that she doesn't feel dresses are flattering or she hates the specific dress your MOH picked out. The correct way to approach bms about their outfits is to 1. privately ask each for a budget 2.pick a few dresses within the lowest budget and 3. get feedback from the bms. 

To answer your questions

1. Tell mom to let you and your sister work on your relationship without her interference. Also, all those other people who are pestering your sister to get in touch with you should butt out.

2. Yes, it would be horrible of you to rescind your invitation. 

3. If your sister is more comfortable in pants or tux, tell her she is welcome to choose to wear her outfit of choice, with accessories in your bm color. I have this nagging thought in the back of my head that you wanted your MOH to be happy, so allowed her to pick the dress. Why can't you extend the same thoughtfulness to your sister?