Wedding Woes

Maid of Honor Dilemma

So, trying to make a long story short. I have a best friend that I have had for 25 years now. We have been inseparable from about 2 years old until about 24, but in the last few years she has become rather absent. She had a lot of things go wrong in her life lately so I have tried to understand, but she just becomes less and less of a friend. As soon as I got engaged last December I asked her to be my maid of honor because that's what we thought we would always be to each other. She has not been much of a help and she has been absent from my last two birthday parties, my daughter's birthday party, and constantly ditches on plans. Every time I get upset and we have a discussion about whether to even be friends anymore because it is getting to be too much for me when I am always there for her but she doesn't return the favor. The last argument was when she completely ditched me for my birthday again and I told her I could no longer be friends with her because she is never there for me and ditches me all the time. She is now begging to be friends again like usual and finally apologizing after attacking me for having an easier life than her, even though I have worked my ass off for everything I have. We have had the discussion about her not being my maid of honor anymore but every time she apologizes she expects to be let back into the position, even though I have another best friend that is there for me for everything and has done way more to help me plan this wedding. This time after I forgive her she texts with "When do I need to have my bridesmaid dress money?" like her ditching me didn't affect anything again. I don't know what to do and how to explain to her that she definitely isn't my maid of honor and possibly not even in the wedding anymore. I don't want to come off as a mean, snarky bride, but this is a friend I have been there for through everything and have been let down by someone I thought of as a sister one too many times. I have so many people in my life that don't like her so it is hard to ask for advice from them without them already having an opinion. 
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Re: Maid of Honor Dilemma

  • It was something that happened 3 years ago and I was there for her every second. I even quit my new job to be there for her. I have always been a good friend to her and the focus is and always has been on her. That is the problem.
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    So, trying to make a long story short. I have a best friend that I have had for 25 years now. We have been inseparable from about 2 years old until about 24, but in the last few years she has become rather absent. She had a lot of things go wrong in her life lately so I have tried to understand, but she just becomes less and less of a friend. As soon as I got engaged last December I asked her to be my maid of honor because that's what we thought we would always be to each other. She has not been much of a help and she has been absent from my last two birthday parties, my daughter's birthday party, and constantly ditches on plans. Every time I get upset and we have a discussion about whether to even be friends anymore because it is getting to be too much for me when I am always there for her but she doesn't return the favor. The last argument was when she completely ditched me for my birthday again and I told her I could no longer be friends with her because she is never there for me and ditches me all the time. She is now begging to be friends again like usual and finally apologizing after attacking me for having an easier life than her, even though I have worked my ass off for everything I have. We have had the discussion about her not being my maid of honor anymore but every time she apologizes she expects to be let back into the position, even though I have another best friend that is there for me for everything and has done way more to help me plan this wedding. This time after I forgive her she texts with "When do I need to have my bridesmaid dress money?" like her ditching me didn't affect anything again. I don't know what to do and how to explain to her that she definitely isn't my maid of honor and possibly not even in the wedding anymore. I don't want to come off as a mean, snarky bride, but this is a friend I have been there for through everything and have been let down by someone I thought of as a sister one too many times. I have so many people in my life that don't like her so it is hard to ask for advice from them without them already having an opinion. 
    Several things. 

    First, removing her from the wedding party is a friendship-ending move. So don't do it unless you're truly ready to permanently end the friendship. And if you are going to remove her, straight up say it. Don't beat around the bush so that she doesn't know and is still asking about dresses. 

    Second, take the helping plan your wedding out of it. There is no requirement that your wedding party helps with this. It's you and your soon-to-be-husband's. Once you've taken the wedding out of it, look at her actions and decide if you still want to be friends. I'd be annoyed, too, at her frequent flaking. If she's having troubles, I'd definitely cut her some slack though. Only you can decide how much though. Personally, I don't think having troubles is any excuse for not being able to simply shoot a text with "I won't be able to make it and I'm so sorry." 

  • I really have been there for her through everything and that is why it bothers me so much when she flakes and insults me for having worked hard and made something of myself. I have stuck by her through everything and I just feel hurt that she isn't there when I go through hard things as well, not so much the wedding stuff. I just wanted a nice way to let her know that I don't really want someone that doesn't show up for things, like possibly my wedding, being my maid of honor.
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    I really have been there for her through everything and that is why it bothers me so much when she flakes and insults me for having worked hard and made something of myself. I have stuck by her through everything and I just feel hurt that she isn't there when I go through hard things as well, not so much the wedding stuff. I just wanted a nice way to let her know that I don't really want someone that doesn't show up for things, like possibly my wedding, being my maid of honor.
    Well, there isn't a nice way to say it. 

    When you remove someone, you're basically saying, "Offering a position in a wedding party is saying, 'You are one of my closest friends and I want to honor you and our friendship by having you stand with me during one of the biggest events in my life.' I no longer consider you that and don't want you to have that position."



    short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    You quit a job to "be there for her"? That doesn't make any sense. What kind of problems did she have that required you to quit a job? 

    First, a MOH is not required to plan a wedding for you. She has no duties, other than showing up in the attire you've either picked out or given guidelines for. Full stop. 

    Honestly, these all are such immature problems. You're mad that she couldn't come to your birthday? Trust me that when you're in your 30s and 40s, these things aren't so serious. I haven't seen my best friend on my last 3 birthdays. That's life. 

    Is this person your friend? Do you want to continue being friends with her? Because removing her as MOH is not only awful ON YOUR PART, it's a completely friendship ending move. So, if you want to kick her out, be prepared for the friendship to be over. 

    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875eileenrob
  • Her boyfriend died of a drug overdose and it was a new job and she needed me as soon as it happened so I had to go because she has always been like a sister to me. It was 3 years ago, but it has affected her a lot. I have been there to help her since then. I have had jobs since, just quit that one when it happened because I was still in training and I would have gotten fired for leaving. I'm a nurse, very easy to find work. But anyways. Yes I have been there for her to help her through it. She just has not been a friend in a long time. Even before he died she was not a good friend, but I thought of her like a sister so I was still there for her. I would not have done this 3 years ago because I knew she was going through a hard time. But now that things are not as hard and she is still not a good friend.. and may potentially have an excuse not to show on my wedding day because she always has excuses, I don't really want her as my maid of honor.
  • Here's the situation:

    Your lifelong friend has fallen on very hard times. She has dealt with addiction, love, loss, death and the mental challenges that accompany dealing with it. Her world is filled with difficulty, mental struggles, failure, barely keeping things together in her own life - let alone anyone else's. Over the last couple years she has flaked. You attribute this to her befalling hard times (you're right). She has apologized and expressed still wanting to be friends. 

    In your world, you've made sacrifices to help your friend. Yay you! And now you're at a very exciting point in your life. You're in love, your hard work has paid off, you have a child, your relationships are strong and you've had the good fortune to be able to be there for others. You've obviously been talking about your wedding since you were a little girl and here you are! How exciting! 

    Try to take a bird's eye view of these two lives - where the latter individual is holding friendship and a position in her wedding over the other's head because she has flaked a few times. Imagine if these roles were reversed and if you find yourself saying "well I would just...." you're doing it wrong.

    You want to kick this person out of your wedding because she's flaked (which you admit is likely due to this rough patch in her life). You do you, but I wouldn't ruin a 24 year friendship because of this. I just wouldn't.
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    mrsconn23charlotte989875sparklepants41nightnerd
  • I think your OP has made it pretty clear what you want to do, and you're not getting validation here. Since you want to end the friendship and kick her out of the wedding party, do so. Then live with the choice that you make. 

    one additional note. don't "promote" someone else to MOH, because frankly that's a little bit insulting to that person. "I thought you weren't important enough to make MOH on round 1, but now that former BFF is out of the picture, you're my second choice!"
    InLoveInQueens
  • And further, obviously she wasn't flaky before this event in her life. Her actions are a call for help....not a call for her best friend to leave her in the puddle where she's fallen. 

    This is a lifelong friendship. Not many people can even say they have that. Go and be a friend. She obviously needs you and you're letting your wedding/birthday/ME goggles ruin things. 
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    mrsconn23short+sassysparklepants41InLoveInQueens
  • The bottom line is, if you kick her out of your WP, it's pretty much a friendship-ending move.

    If you want to end the friendship, I think it is more forthright to just end the friendship.  Which it sounds like you already did once, but she wanted to remain friends, so you acquiesced.

    I realize it has been a long friendship and you feel it has been more "give, give, give" on your part, instead of "give and take".

    Unless I was absolutely sure I wanted no more to do with this friendship, I'd keep her in the WP and as the MOH.  MOH is just an even more special honor than BM.  But, it's really more a title and doesn't have any "duties" associated with it.  Even if you kicked her out as MOH, it would be rude and insulting to name someone else.  Because that is like saying, "I didn't initially choose you as my MOH because Friend A was my absolute bestie.  But now that she is out, it's you!"

    Then, after the wedding, I would adjust my expectations with her. 

    Prepare yourself emotionally for her not showing up, if you think that will happen.  Though a wedding is a way bigger deal than a bday party.  And, if it does, just continue on.  Be upset for a minute, but don't let it ruin your day.  Her loss.  It makes no difference, logistics-wise, if she is there or not.  The only adjustment (maybe) needed is the Best Man will walk in the processional alone.  

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875Knottie5272caa1b94d8301OliveOilsMom
  • I don't think friendships have to be always equal, all of the time. I think there are times in any given friendship where I'll be doing to the most of the friendship "work" and at other times the other person will be doing the "work". And sure, if over the course of the friendship one person is going all of the things necessary to maintain the friendship it's a problem, but unless you're saying over the 20+ year friendship she was never "there for you", I think you should cut her some slack. Or, if you're really done with the friendship, tell her. Don't go back on your word. Don't ask her to prove her friendship to you and maybe'll you will reconsider. Just end it. Because right now, the way I see it, you're not being fair to her. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomeileenrob
  • edited November 14
    climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
    Again, this is such immature drama. Are you guys still in HS? 

    I feel that you're changing your story to put yourself in a better light. Honestly, I don't believe you. 

    You clearly don't want to be friends with this girl. So don't be friends with her. It's not that complicated. People grow apart. It happens all the time. If she's such a crappy friend like you say, end the friendship and move on.  

    InLoveInQueens
  • climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
    Again, this is such immature drama. Are you guys still in HS? 

    I feel that you're changing your story to put yourself in a better light. Honestly, I don't believe you. 

    You clearly don't want to be friends with this girl. So don't be friends with her. It's not that complicated. People grow apart. It happens all the time. If she's such a crappy friend like you say, end the friendship and move on.  
    Yup you caught me. Came on her to make up a story that's not true. She was actually crying her eyes out from her grief all night. Have a good day!
  • climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
    Again, this is such immature drama. Are you guys still in HS? 

    I feel that you're changing your story to put yourself in a better light. Honestly, I don't believe you. 

    You clearly don't want to be friends with this girl. So don't be friends with her. It's not that complicated. People grow apart. It happens all the time. If she's such a crappy friend like you say, end the friendship and move on.  
    Yup you caught me. Came on her to make up a story that's not true. She was actually crying her eyes out from her grief all night. Have a good day!
    I meant your story has changed about her multiple times. She's going through a hard time now, to her boyfriend died 3 years ago, to she's fine now, and blowing me off for a hookup. First, she was just recently a bad friend, now it's well, she's always been a bad friend. You can't have it both ways. You're clearly trying to paint this in a certain way to make yourself look better.
    She is still going through a hard time with money and some depression due to what happened in her life 3 years ago. Yes she still gets upset but yes she has a new guy she is dating...... what is your point? She has had times of being a bad and good friend in our 25 years of friendship....do you need a timeline? Why do you feel it's necessary to attack and bully people? I said have a good day. I asked for an opinion of a nice way to let her know she isn't my maid of honor because I don't want to have to worry about her not showing on the day of my wedding after all this planning has gone into this day. I am allowed to have a nice wedding even though my friend has hit a rough patch in her life. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited November 14
    climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
    Again, this is such immature drama. Are you guys still in HS? 

    I feel that you're changing your story to put yourself in a better light. Honestly, I don't believe you. 

    You clearly don't want to be friends with this girl. So don't be friends with her. It's not that complicated. People grow apart. It happens all the time. If she's such a crappy friend like you say, end the friendship and move on.  
    Yup you caught me. Came on her to make up a story that's not true. She was actually crying her eyes out from her grief all night. Have a good day!
    I meant your story has changed about her multiple times. She's going through a hard time now, to her boyfriend died 3 years ago, to she's fine now, and blowing me off for a hookup. First, she was just recently a bad friend, now it's well, she's always been a bad friend. You can't have it both ways. You're clearly trying to paint this in a certain way to make yourself look better.
    She is still going through a hard time with money and some depression due to what happened in her life 3 years ago. Yes she still gets upset but yes she has a new guy she is dating...... what is your point? She has had times of being a bad and good friend in our 25 years of friendship....do you need a timeline? Why do you feel it's necessary to attack and bully people? I said have a good day. I asked for an opinion of a nice way to let her know she isn't my maid of honor because I don't want to have to worry about her not showing on the day of my wedding after all this planning has gone into this day. I am allowed to have a nice wedding even though my friend has hit a rough patch in her life. 
    I have not attacked or bullied you. I, and many others, gave you advice. 

    Your MOH is someone you are supposed to be honoring. It's not the other way around. By all means, be the kind of person that kicks someone out of their wedding for going through a rough patch. I hope that works out for you. 

    mrsconn23sparklepants41InLoveInQueensjustsie
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    climbing wife, She is dating someone else. She didn't come to my birthday because instead of coming she was with him when she told me for a month she would be there. So obviously you're not understand the dynamic. It has nothing to do with her grief that she didn't show up. She spent her evening hooking up with some new guy. Yes, I love her as a sister and it kills me when she ditches me for other friends/random guys, when I have been there for her.  I am not holding it over her head. I just want the same friendship from her. I guess according to you, it is too much to ask for her to leave her hook up and come out for her friends birthday. 
    Your choice of words tells a different tale.  Instead of being happy your long time friend has shown signs of moving forward, and has re-entered the dating life, you use incredibly harsh and petty sounding words.  They also sound like juvenile words of jealousy. 

    Friendships change as people change.  Some adults learn to grow with and accept changes in lifelong friends.  Others either can't or won't. 

    My daughter still has several friends from HS.  Some remain single, others are in relationships, and still others are married with children.  Each friendship remains intact, although different.  She may not see her single friends as much as each would like because their paths are very different at the moment.  That does not change the feelings behind the friendship.  It merely changes the dynamic of their outings together.  Life will take you all in different directions at any given time.  Accept it.
    charlotte989875climbingwifeshort+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • I said have a nice day ladies. I didn't ask to be crucified for this nor did I want your advice on how exhausting of a person I am, so we can close this post at any time now. This is the reason there are full forum topics about the women that have been married for years being rude to other women on The Knot. 
  • I said have a nice day ladies. I didn't ask to be crucified for this nor did I want your advice on how exhausting of a person I am, so we can close this post at any time now. This is the reason there are full forum topics about the women that have been married for years being rude to other women on The Knot. 
    1st - passive aggressive for "fuck all y'all", next time be more creative. at least call us chairasses  or something.
    2nd - it's not being rude to be unwilling to condone or validate bad behavior
    3rd - you came here asking for advice from people who don't know you or former BFF - and you got it. it's not our fault that you didn't like what you read. 
    4th - why come to a forum full of people who are just as inexperienced and immature as you? maybe take the opportunity to learn something from people willing to take their time to offer you advice based on their experience. 
    OliveOilsMomjustsie
  • edited November 14
    I'm just curious what is the point of coming to a wedding website when you've been married for 4-10 years? I'm guessing because you enjoy being rude to people that are excited to be getting married? I asked for advice on how to nicely tell someone that I don't think will show to my wedding that I don't want her as my maid of honor because I don't want to be upset on my wedding day when she doesn't show up, and you all decide to be rude about it. I can have a nice wedding day without having to worry about that if she is not in the wedding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because she is having a hard time does not mean I have to be upset on my wedding day. So you can please stop responding and bullying. I will leave you to your bad behavior.
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited November 14
    Could you please point to where in my posts I was rude? I very nicely answered your questions. Unfortunately, "no, you shouldn't do that" is a completely valid response to a question. 

    In response to your latest question about why people who have been married for awhile come here, it's because we have valid advice. I not only have been a bride, but also a bridesmaid once and a MoH twice. I have either hosted or cohosted two bridal showers. My H has been both a groomsman and a best man. I've hosted a bachelorette. It is quite likely I'll be a bridesmaid again at some point in my life as I have a sister who is not married.

    I have good advice to offer, and, just a few hours ago, I used a personal anecodete about one of my experiences as MoH to answer a question. 

    I also simply enjoy reading about weddings and helping people solve their dilemmas. I also like the community that has formed here. 

    charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
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