Bday disappointment

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for 10 years now and for nearly the whole time my birthday has been an afterthought. This past year was the absolute worst: My husband did nothing besides offer me a perfunctory “happy birthday” in the morning. Meanwhile, it’s time for his birthday to roll around and he’s been agonizing over it for a month—what are we going to do, have I taken the day off, blah blah blah. This year I flat out told him he ruined my birthday, so now I’m getting the guilt trip that since I had such a terrible birthday we should just not do anything for his. I just can’t do that. It’s not in my nature to let a birthday pass without recognition, even if it’s something small (as it has sometimes been in past years). How do I reach the point where I have zero expectations for my birthday so I can just enjoy giving again when his rolls around?

—Birthday Resentments

flantastic

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for 10 years now and for nearly the whole time my birthday has been an afterthought. This past year was the absolute worst: My husband did nothing besides offer me a perfunctory “happy birthday” in the morning. Meanwhile, it’s time for his birthday to roll around and he’s been agonizing over it for a month—what are we going to do, have I taken the day off, blah blah blah. This year I flat out told him he ruined my birthday, so now I’m getting the guilt trip that since I had such a terrible birthday we should just not do anything for his. I just can’t do that. It’s not in my nature to let a birthday pass without recognition, even if it’s something small (as it has sometimes been in past years). How do I reach the point where I have zero expectations for my birthday so I can just enjoy giving again when his rolls around?

—Birthday Resentments

Do a small thing. She should tell him that she can make a big deal of the H's birthday if that's something they want to plan for all birthdays in the family, but otherwise it's going to be small acknowledgements and that's it. (If they have kids, the kids are definitely going to be attuned to the fairness thereof, so that's a lead-in reason that's not just "I'm hurt you only seem to care about celebrating you.")

If they need to go out and have a fun dinner, excursion, whatever, they can do that anytime. If he wants the larger outing or celebration to be specifically about him, he should be willing to put the same effort for hers.

The one thing I'm wary of is her uncommunicated expectations. Sure, it seems off that he thinks his birthday should be a big deal when he clearly didn't try for hers, but maybe he didn't think she was big on birthdays, or maybe he thinks that like him, if she wants something, she should talk about where she wants to go for dinner, etc., while she's of the type where he should just do something. Either way, she either needs to tell him "I'd like us to go out and do something on my birthday that you plan" or plan it herself and talk about it like he's doing. Then if he's dismissive, that's a real inequity.

OliveOilsMom

How has LW stayed quiet for 10 years?  LW should have had a conversation long ago about this.  "H, when my birthday comes, you just wish me a small Happy Birthday in the morning.  But for your birthday you want me to take a day off, go somewhere, and have a big grand time.  Why should our birthdays be celebrated so differently?"  And then let the conversation unfold.

At the start of the letter, I thought that maybe they just have different ways of showing their affection.  Love Languages and all that.  But it sounds like H wants the same type of recognition that LW does, so why can't it be a two way street?

OliveOilsMom

Side note - I thought the title was Baby disappointment!

short+sassy

I've been in the LW's shoes with an ex-b/f.  It is really hurtful and it really sucks.  It's also one of those situations where you don't want to have to TELL someone to do something nice and celebratory for your birthday.  The hurt is, that they don't chose to do that on their own.  Though I do think the LW should speak up, if she hasn't already.

MissKittyDanger

Why hasn't LW said anything?

For my bday this year, I told M I wanted to do something low-key but something was going to happen. I asked him to plan it, mainly because I plan a lot of things and just didn't want to plan my own bday but I would happily help out where I can.

I did entrust my mother to be on his ass about things {procrastinator} and to give suggestions if he was stuck on anything.


It turned out great, but you know what? I know it wouldn't have happened unless I said something. Which is no big deal.

Sure, LW can be pissed but if you've kept your mouth shut for 10yrs then you cannot bitch about it. I'm sure LW's H isn't a mind reader.

kvruns

OliveOilsMom said:

Side note - I thought the title was Baby disappointment!

same!

banana468

So, has she said anything and then he does nothing or is she saying something and he's just a dick about it? 

If she isn't saying anything then she needs to speak up.   "I want to celebrate my birthday and you need to do something about it."   If he still doesn't do anything after she spoke her request and set out her reasonable expectations then I'd get him a bucket of ice. 

Use your words lady! 

*Barbie*

I'm trying to figure out why these people are even married. They obviously have no idea how to communicate with each other, and no desire to try. 

southernbelle0915

Words. Use them. 

I don't get why you'd let 10 years go by and this is the birthday that breaks the camel's back?

CharmedPam

*Barbie* said:

I'm trying to figure out why these people are even married. They obviously have no idea how to communicate with each other, and no desire to try. 

Good point.  I was going to say I feel like this is something that could be easily resolved if they sat down and discussed it.  Like either they do something for both. Or nothing for either.  new traditions. move along.

charlotte989875

I love birthdays. H hates them. He does things for me. I buy him a practical present and tell no one it's his birthday. We do this because we've communicated with each other about what makes us feel appreciated.

Use your words to ask for what you want.