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Etiquette

Should I invite my future sister in laws in-laws?

I have only met my future sister in law in-laws once at her wedding. My parents were not invited to my future sister in laws wedding because my fiancé and I were not engaged yet and his parents forbid it...(i was almost not able to attend because we were not engaged Indian culture) anyways, my fiancé parents said we have to invite his sister's in laws to the wedding and his sister too is saying we should, it would be a nice gesture. 
My fiancé has met his brother in laws parents twice only, there is no relationship.
My fiancé's parents are now saying they will pay for them to go. My parents have said they do not feel that they should be invited since my own sister is not inviting her in laws. This is becoming a mess, what should i do?

Re: Should I invite my future sister in laws in-laws?

  • Who is paying for your wedding? Unless it is his parents say no and stop discussing it. Invitations are not tickets they can buy by offering to pay. 
    SP29short+sassyMairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If your FILs aren't paying, they don't get a say. In that instance, your FI should make clear that his brother-in-law's parents won't be invited and that the subject is closed. 

    If your FILs are paying, you may have to allocate a portion of their contribution to the direct costs of hosting your FI's brother-in-law's parents and not use it to pay for something else. But if you do that, I think it's reasonable for your FI to let his parents know that the other thing you would have spent their money on will have to be forgone in order to host these additional people, and ask them what they want to prioritize, assuming they are not willing to contribute additional funds to host them.

    The one thing they have no business demanding is that you increase your guest list without either letting the other thing go or not contributing to the extra hosting costs involved. Your FI needs to make that clear to his family.
     
    SP29short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2017
    Wedding invitations are not tit for tat.  You do not owe anybody an invitation.  The hosts of your wedding decide who will be invited.  Most people give a certain number of guests places to the future in-law family to select out of courtesy.  If your FILs were given a number, then they get to choose who fills that number.  If they want future SIL's in-laws in that number, then fine.  If they are out of seats on their side, you are not required to invite them.
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    SP29short+sassyMairePoppy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have only met my future sister in law in-laws once at her wedding. My parents were not invited to my future sister in laws wedding because my fiancé and I were not engaged yet and his parents forbid it...(i was almost not able to attend because we were not engaged Indian culture) anyways, my fiancé parents said we have to invite his sister's in laws to the wedding and his sister too is saying we should, it would be a nice gesture. 
    My fiancé has met his brother in laws parents twice only, there is no relationship.
    My fiancé's parents are now saying they will pay for them to go. My parents have said they do not feel that they should be invited since my own sister is not inviting her in laws. This is becoming a mess, what should i do?

    Life is filled with opportunities for nice gestures, but no one is obligated to offer any, particularly when they involve a cost factor.  Even under the best of circumstances, that is a stretch for an invitation.

    I agree with @CMGragain.  If your future in laws have a guest allowance, then they can decide whether to include these people within that umbrella.  Otherwise, have FI tell them that the guest list, and discussion regarding it, is closed.
    SP29MairePoppy
  • It sounds like your ILs are from a culture of big weddings where VERY extended family members are invited to events. Something to consider, but I still do not think you need to say yes. Personally, I think wedding guests should be those the couple has a personal relationship with, but I realize that other cultures have different view points. Your ILs might think it a nice gesture to invite your SIL's ILs, but I would think it weird to invite them unless you regularly see them at family events.

    If your ILs are contributing to the wedding then they get a say in the guest list, but this still has to fit within the bounds of whatever budget and guest list number has been set. If they are not paying, it would be considerate of you and your FI to either give your ILs a number of guests they can invite or ask, "Who would you like to see invited?". In which case, if your ILs want to include your SILs ILs, that should come from their count.
    charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • Here are the things I would consider:

    1) Are the FILs paying? If not, they don't get a say.
    2) Is it typical in your culture to invite this circle of people? If yes and you can afford it, invite. If not, don't worry about it. 
    3) How "big" is the wedding? If you're having an intimate wedding, you can more easily justify not including these people. But if you're inviting 300 people, it may seem like "everyone but them" is getting an invitation. 
    4) What does the long-term look like? Are you likely to be close with these people? Will this cause long-term (and justified) hard feelings? 
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    SP29
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