Wedding Woes

Move out, for self-preservation

Dear Prudence,
I am a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year-old toddler. My husband has a 13-year-old son with his ex. We have a restraining order against her after she threatened me while I was pregnant. Right now, my stepson lives with us full time and only has supervised visits with his mother. He used to be a sweet, shy kid, but now I am afraid of him. My stepson has anger issues and is 6 inches taller than me. He has cursed at me, broken plates, and left holes in walls. I don’t trust him near my daughter. My husband is trying, but he can’t be home until 7 most nights. I leave the house with my daughter until he gets home. I don’t want to be alone in the house with my stepson. We are paying out of pocket for weekly therapy, and it is not working. I am tired. I am afraid. I am out of options. My husband is a good man and a good father, but I feel he is failing us in favor of my stepson. I want to feel the love I had for the little boy at my wedding, but all I feel is fear that the next glass he throws will be at my daughter’s head instead of the wall. I don’t know what to do.
—Frightened Stepmom

Re: Move out, for self-preservation

  • Wow.  That is a tough one.  I would move out for the daughter's safety.  But man, that is such a hard decision.  

    mrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • Part of me wants to say, "it's teenage anger" but where does the anger stem from? Clearly therapy isn't working, or maybe it's the type of therapy?

    Before moving, I would look at different options for son. He clearly has issues and moving may not help in the long run. This could become a bigger/serious issue
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • I am NOT normally an advocate for sending kids away, but her H (and LW, but to a lesser extent) needs to either find some sort of intensive therapy he can attend during the day and come home at night while her H is there or full-on send him away to a therapeutic 'ranch' or other program. I don't know a ton about these programs and/or where they are available, but they are out there and if it were my child, I'd be moving heaven and earth to help him and to preserve my family.  Seriously, god forbid he acts out and does something to LW and/or the baby.  How could her H live with himself when she pleaded with him to get more help for his son? 

    If her H is unwilling to take some extreme steps, she needs to leave for her and her baby.  
    OliveOilsMomeileenrobsouthernbelle0915sparklepants41
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I am NOT normally an advocate for sending kids away, but her H (and LW, but to a lesser extent) needs to either find some sort of intensive therapy he can attend during the day and come home at night while her H is there or full-on send him away to a therapeutic 'ranch' or other program. I don't know a ton about these programs and/or where they are available, but they are out there and if it were my child, I'd be moving heaven and earth to help him and to preserve my family.  Seriously, god forbid he acts out and does something to LW and/or the baby.  How could her H live with himself when she pleaded with him to get more help for his son? 

    If her H is unwilling to take some extreme steps, she needs to leave for her and her baby.  
    You mean kind of like a half-way house, but during the day?
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • banana468 said:
    I think she needs one last discussion with the husband:  "Your son may need to be removed from this house and placed in a location where he can get the constant therapy he needs.   I can no longer continue to live here under these circumstances and it is not safe.   I have no choice but to do this to be safe for myself and our child.   

    And well, I'd document the ever loving snot out of this.  Because her DH needs to see that she means business and "move out" would ultimately mean "dissolve marriage". 
    Yes and a case for why her H cannot have anything but supervised visitation until he gets his son the help he needs and he's no longer a threat. 
    southernbelle0915
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I am NOT normally an advocate for sending kids away, but her H (and LW, but to a lesser extent) needs to either find some sort of intensive therapy he can attend during the day and come home at night while her H is there or full-on send him away to a therapeutic 'ranch' or other program. I don't know a ton about these programs and/or where they are available, but they are out there and if it were my child, I'd be moving heaven and earth to help him and to preserve my family.  Seriously, god forbid he acts out and does something to LW and/or the baby.  How could her H live with himself when she pleaded with him to get more help for his son? 

    If her H is unwilling to take some extreme steps, she needs to leave for her and her baby.  
    You mean kind of like a half-way house, but during the day?
    I don't even know, TBH.  But there's gotta be some sort of programs out there.  We have a few places in town called 'stress centers' and they deal with addiction and mental issues.  They can hospitalize people there (they are attached to a hospital system) and people can also go there for intensive outpatient therapy. Maybe the LW can find something like that to get him an evaluation?  
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    this is a tough one. I never heard of the stress centers but it may be something they could look into.


  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited December 2017
    Part of me wants to say, "it's teenage anger" but where does the anger stem from? Clearly therapy isn't working, or maybe it's the type of therapy?

    Before moving, I would look at different options for son. He clearly has issues and moving may not help in the long run. This could become a bigger/serious issue
    The kiddo has had his moments of being a rageful dick, but he's never thrown anything at me, screamed in my face, or made me fear my or DefConn's physical safety.  Yes, he's ranted, raved, and yelled at us about stuff. (like twice, maybe, things got super, super heated with him to the point where it reached a fever pitch, but again...just a lot of yelling.  Otherwise, he's just shitty, full of attitude, and will occasionally slam stuff around, when he's upset about something...but it's seriously in a controlled manner.  He knows how far to push it) but he's never crossed the line to a physical threat against anyone.  

    So, this is not normal.  If her H will not do something about it, she needs to GTFO or else she's failing her 2 year old that cannot defend herself and should not be in such an environment. 
    MissKittyDangerOliveOilsMomsparklepants41
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Part of me wants to say, "it's teenage anger" but where does the anger stem from? Clearly therapy isn't working, or maybe it's the type of therapy?

    Before moving, I would look at different options for son. He clearly has issues and moving may not help in the long run. This could become a bigger/serious issue
    The kiddo has had his moments of being a rageful dick, but he's never thrown anything at me, screamed in my face, or made me fear my or DefConn's physical safety.  Yes, he's ranted, raved, and yelled at us about stuff. (like twice, maybe, things got super, super heated with him to the point where it reached a fever pitch, but again...just a lot of yelling.  Otherwise, he's just shitty, full of attitude, and will occasionally slam stuff around, when he's upset about something...but it's seriously in a controlled manner.  He knows how far to push it) but he's never crossed the line to a physical threat against anyone.  

    So, this is not normal.  If her H will not do something about it, she needs to GTFO or else she's failing her 2 year old that cannot defend herself and should not be in such an environment. 
    Yeh bolded is why I was thinking different type of therapy, but your idea of the away for the day, then return at night might help. Even if it's "gone during the week and home on weekends" type could help.

    Teens have anger, but sounds like this kid has serious issues causing the anger.
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I am NOT normally an advocate for sending kids away, but her H (and LW, but to a lesser extent) needs to either find some sort of intensive therapy he can attend during the day and come home at night while her H is there or full-on send him away to a therapeutic 'ranch' or other program. I don't know a ton about these programs and/or where they are available, but they are out there and if it were my child, I'd be moving heaven and earth to help him and to preserve my family.  Seriously, god forbid he acts out and does something to LW and/or the baby.  How could her H live with himself when she pleaded with him to get more help for his son? 

    If her H is unwilling to take some extreme steps, she needs to leave for her and her baby.  


    I don't know much about this kind of stuff either, but something extreme needs to be done.  Because the LW fearing for her and her daughter's safety is already extreme.

    Not to mention, although the LW only talks about herself and her child, they are quite probably not the only ones in danger.

    With that kind of uncontrolled anger, the son could be a danger to anybody.  Or, pick a fight with the wrong person, and be seriously injured or killed himself.

    Such a sad situation.  It's like that child is already lost before his life has even begun.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mrsconn23
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    Something drastic does need to be done to help the SS.  LW should leave the house, for the safety of her and her child.  I also don't think that LW should say her H is "failing us in favor of the SS", they are both his children and it is probably hurting him so much to see his son act this way towards his wife and other child.

    Another reason something drastic has to happen now is that the SS is 16.  2 years away from being a legal adult.  After that, LW and the H won't have any say in the type of care he receives.  The mother has anger issues and now SS has anger issues.  There could be an underlying and undiagnosed mental health problem. 

    Also, maybe family therapy could be helpful to find what trigger's SS's anger.  Not that I think LW should walk on eggshells at home, but if she knew what triggered the anger, she may be able to avoid that behavior.

    short+sassy
  • I also don't think that LW should say her H is "failing us in favor of the SS", they are both his children and it is probably hurting him so much to see his son act this way towards his wife and other child.


    I agree with this.  I think he's trying to do the best he can or knows, but he has to do better...and if he won't, LW has to do what she has to do. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    LW and her husband could probably benefit from NAMI meetings too. 


    image
  • I’m with @mrsconn23. The kid needs to move out until he is mentally well enough to coexist with his family without blowing holes in the walls and breaking all their shit. There are boarding school like programs that handle kids like this. Even if he never hurt them, living in fear where you can’t even feel safe enough to be in your house with a 13 year old? F that from every direction. 

    Unfortunately, it may be very hard to accomplish with SS’s mother and the courts. Totally worth a shot though. 

    And YES to @banana468. Document, document, document. And when you think you documented, write down more. Give a copies to his therapist and ask that it be added to his chart.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    MesmrEwemrsconn23charlotte989875
  • They need a new therapist ASAP...  And Document TF out of each incident with date-stamped images.  That is not normal behavior for a 13yo!  

    Clearly the therapist they're using isn't working.  Disposable plates and plastic/disposable cups for a while may also be a necessity.  Throwing what doesn't break will not produce the result he wants.  Clearly there are bigger issues at play for what the kid thinks is normal behavior and if it's not curbed, the kid will be in juvenile hall on his own merit sooner than later. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards