Wedding Woes

Halp!!!! Sil wants baby at bachelorette

2

Re: Halp!!!! Sil wants baby at bachelorette

  • On some level I think you need to understand that when you have a baby things change and it's hard to make that adjustment in advance because there's just so much that's unknown.   You don't even think about those until later.

    That said, I think your FI needs to get on the phone and be really specific about what can and can't happen.   The battles worth picking IMO are:

    -FMIL crashing your bachelorette.

    -Hosting the babysitter's husband.   Is he family or just a random dude??  If he's family I'd let it go.   If we're talking about just the spouse of your babysitter I think you have plenty grounds to say that he's not welcome.

    But the problem also lies in your FI if he's not speaking up at all. 
    short+sassyInLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • *Barbie* said:
    Ok I need to clarify.  I could care less about the baby at the bachelorette.  She wont remember.  I'm not sure about All that's going on but from what my friends said there involved some sort of blow up man shaped ring toss.  My fmil is extremely conservative.  The raunchiest of the activities are to be going on at my house.  We are in 3 days out.  She texted at 130am and didn't tell me.  Sorry for my misuse of words I should have used raunchy instead of real.  Honestly I didn't expect both of them to come.  I am mortified that we have to tell my fmil I'm embarrassed to have her around my house this weekend.  I want the raunchy silly bachelorette cuz I thought it would be fun.  And Like i said I would have understood if one of them dropped out of the wedding when they found out But it's like we have changed so many things about our day for this baby and it's always on the fly or never asked of us.  We are just told.

    The baby is ~4mo - so assuming that FSIL announced the pregnancy at the end of the first trimester, you've been aware of the baby for 10+ months. This isn't exactly unexpected.


    You mentioned that fSIL was not pregnant when she and fBIL were asked to be in the wedding party, which means that you asked them at least 13 months ago.

    Did you expect people to put their lives on hold (for more than a year!) until you got married? What would you have done if another WP member had a child?


    Maybe they're the only couple that's invited that had children, but when you plan a DW, you need to understand that it can be very difficult for parents to travel overnight without their kids - even with a good local support system. When you tell parents that their kids aren't invited to the DW, you're putting them in a difficult spot - they need to figure out extended childcare or decline. Like I said in my PP - if someone knowingly put me in that position, I'd be pissed off. I would assume they expected me to decline, and would be reevaluating my relationship with that person - why bother to "invite" me at all?

    It sounds like you were hoping that your fSIL and her H would quit the wedding party once she got pregnant, or decide they weren't going to attend the wedding - which is honestly pretty shitty. It sounds like they are trying to fulfill the commitment that they made to be in the WP.

    The only change that you really needed to make was agreeing to allow one exception to the "no kids" rule, and let your fSIL and her H bring their infant. They can sort out the logistics of what to do with the baby once they get there.

    Actually no they announced the baby within five minutes of us asking them to be bridesmaids.  We were ecstatic. But we had issues since day one.  We planned for the baby to stay in the hotel room.  I'm sorry.  I did everything in my power at their wedding to do exactly what they wanted.  Including finding seating for uninvited guests, set up, getting screamed at a wedding coordinator for the husbands family brining in 50 pies, and stopping 2 kids from knocking over the wedding cake for fun (i didn't grab them I grabbed their parents from the bar).  

    It's not about the wedding So much. We have talked with his family about constantly getting thrown under the bus at the drop of a hat.  What I am upset about is that she continues to do this.  That she and her husband make snide comments to us about the right way to buy and house and be married first. Or about my religion. Or about 500 other things that show how they are better than us because they did/do x y z according to gods law.  I'm tired of being tried to be made to feel ashamed of myself.  Im tired of constantly having to be polite.  At what point can I say enough is enough without being a bitch. Because not even telling me my fmil was coming to my house to stay with your child who was gonna be a surprise at a bachelorette party doesn't seem very courteous to me. 
  • banana468 said:
    On some level I think you need to understand that when you have a baby things change and it's hard to make that adjustment in advance because there's just so much that's unknown.   You don't even think about those until later.

    That said, I think your FI needs to get on the phone and be really specific about what can and can't happen.   The battles worth picking IMO are:

    -FMIL crashing your bachelorette.

    -Hosting the babysitter's husband.   Is he family or just a random dude??  If he's family I'd let it go.   If we're talking about just the spouse of your babysitter I think you have plenty grounds to say that he's not welcome.

    But the problem also lies in your FI if he's not speaking up at all. 
    Random dude. I met the babysitter once.  Also.  The wedding location is closer to them than my house.  I think I left out that detail.  So we are actually having the wedding closer for them. They might even be closer than we are to the location
  • Honestly thank you guys.  I really do appreciate it. My fiance is calling today and we will try to talk out the boundaries again.  And Like i said any other weekend we couldn't care less.  We love our niece and we want to spend all the time with her and her chubby cheeks (also a baby piano was given to the parents this weekend for her... We're thinking drums for her bday lol)  we want is our family with us at the wedding we do.  And I honestly think I'm more upset about just getting stuff always thrown at us.  Why do we have to be the ones making the sacrifice?  They chose to have the baby.  I want to include them but why do we have to make sacrifices for their baby and not them.  
  • *Barbie* said:

    FWIW - my concern in PP is only regarding the wedding.

    If you (as a couple) didn't want fSIL and fBIL to bring the baby to the house for the bach. parties, and you (as a couple) are not cool with fMIL being there/babysitting, then your FI needs to put on his big boy panties and tell them that this is not ok - the baby and FMIL will need to stay in a hotel, or fSIL and fBIL will need to make other childcare arrangements if they plan to attend the bach parties.


    In part, you have a FI problem - because if he's not ok with this, then he needs to speak up. If he can't do that now, it's not going to improve because you get married.


    He's calling today.  We have talked to them on 15 occasions about how we feel.  My fi has talked to them, I have talked to them, we get about 2 to 3 weeks relief and then we have another issue like this.
  • Also i would say that she did a similar thing to her sister at her wedding before the baby.  Her sisters wedding was about her wedding in 8 months.  Sometimes we had appointments or plans for sisters wedding and my fsil would take over to discuss her wedding.  We had times set aside for both.  Not like we ignore fsil but sisters husband had to step in on several occasions.  
  • Honestly thank you guys.  I really do appreciate it. My fiance is calling today and we will try to talk out the boundaries again.  And Like i said any other weekend we couldn't care less.  We love our niece and we want to spend all the time with her and her chubby cheeks (also a baby piano was given to the parents this weekend for her... We're thinking drums for her bday lol)  we want is our family with us at the wedding we do.  And I honestly think I'm more upset about just getting stuff always thrown at us.  Why do we have to be the ones making the sacrifice?  They chose to have the baby.  I want to include them but why do we have to make sacrifices for their baby and not them.  
    I was with you up until the bolded. This sounds like you're shaming their choice and that I can't get behind. How would you feel if someone said "Well they chose to have a big wedding/out of town wedding/bachelorette party/anything else you want to do, why should I have to travel/pay for a dress/buy them a present" it would make you feel pretty bad right? It comes off as super judgmental. 

    If you don't want to make changes for them, don't. That's your choice. But don't put down other people's choices. 


    OliveOilsMomahoywedding
  • banana468 said:
    On some level I think you need to understand that when you have a baby things change and it's hard to make that adjustment in advance because there's just so much that's unknown.   You don't even think about those until later.

    That said, I think your FI needs to get on the phone and be really specific about what can and can't happen.   The battles worth picking IMO are:

    -FMIL crashing your bachelorette.

    -Hosting the babysitter's husband.   Is he family or just a random dude??  If he's family I'd let it go.   If we're talking about just the spouse of your babysitter I think you have plenty grounds to say that he's not welcome.

    But the problem also lies in your FI if he's not speaking up at all. 
    Random dude. I met the babysitter once.  Also.  The wedding location is closer to them than my house.  I think I left out that detail.  So we are actually having the wedding closer for them. They might even be closer than we are to the location

    Yeah, that's just weird and it would be a hard no from me.  In essence, the babysitter is a vendor for the wedding.  Vendors do not get to bring dates.

    Yet, oddly enough, I had a similar situation for a work Christmas party I was throwing together.  The DJ we hired asked if he could bring his g/f with him.  We reluctantly agreed, but told him that she needed to be dressed appropriately (cocktail attire) and we would not be providing her with food or beverages.  In the end it was fine, although weird, that he brought her.  The guy turned out to be a real odd duck all around, lol.  I personally wouldn't have hired him to begin with (for other reasons), but that decision was made before the planning was suddenly thrust upon me.

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    southernbelle0915OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • banana468 said:
    On some level I think you need to understand that when you have a baby things change and it's hard to make that adjustment in advance because there's just so much that's unknown.   You don't even think about those until later.

    That said, I think your FI needs to get on the phone and be really specific about what can and can't happen.   The battles worth picking IMO are:

    -FMIL crashing your bachelorette.

    -Hosting the babysitter's husband.   Is he family or just a random dude??  If he's family I'd let it go.   If we're talking about just the spouse of your babysitter I think you have plenty grounds to say that he's not welcome.

    But the problem also lies in your FI if he's not speaking up at all. 
    Random dude. I met the babysitter once.  Also.  The wedding location is closer to them than my house.  I think I left out that detail.  So we are actually having the wedding closer for them. They might even be closer than we are to the location

    Yeah, that's just weird and it would be a hard no from me.  In essence, the babysitter is a vendor for the wedding.  Vendors do not get to bring dates.

    Yet, oddly enough, I had a similar situation for a work Christmas party I was throwing together.  The DJ we hired asked if he could bring his g/f with him.  We reluctantly agreed, but told him that she needed to be dressed appropriately (cocktail attire) and we would not be providing her with food or beverages.  In the end it was fine, although weird, that he brought her.  The guy turned out to be a real odd duck all around, lol.  I personally wouldn't have hired him to begin with (for other reasons), but that decision was made before the planning was suddenly thrust upon me.

    I don't know; who is paying for the babysitting and how far is she traveling? I think if she's being paid to travel for their wedding I don't see why the boyfriend can't come to. I definitely don't think OP should pay for his meal or anything, but if she has to travel I can see why she'd want someone to travel with her. If she's local to the venue then I disagree and don't think they should accommodate the date. 

    But some vendors do bring guests; we invited the officiant's wife to the RD and the reception. And had we had any out of town vendors we wouldn't have had a problem with them traveling with someone. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 

  • Honestly thank you guys.  I really do appreciate it. My fiance is calling today and we will try to talk out the boundaries again.  And Like i said any other weekend we couldn't care less.  We love our niece and we want to spend all the time with her and her chubby cheeks (also a baby piano was given to the parents this weekend for her... We're thinking drums for her bday lol)  we want is our family with us at the wedding we do.  And I honestly think I'm more upset about just getting stuff always thrown at us.  Why do we have to be the ones making the sacrifice?  They chose to have the baby.  I want to include them but why do we have to make sacrifices for their baby and not them.  
    I was with you up until the bolded. This sounds like you're shaming their choice and that I can't get behind. How would you feel if someone said "Well they chose to have a big wedding/out of town wedding/bachelorette party/anything else you want to do, why should I have to travel/pay for a dress/buy them a present" it would make you feel pretty bad right? It comes off as super judgmental. 

    If you don't want to make changes for them, don't. That's your choice. But don't put down other people's choices. 


    You're right.  That didn't come out the way I wanted it. I'm just frustrated.  We have changed things so many times at the drop of a hat and we don't even get a thank you.  We sometimes don't even get a warning.  It just feels like we have to do the planning for their child.  Not the other way around.  I talked to my other friend who has a child 2 weeks before my fsil about it.  She is absolutely appalled we are getting thrown like this.  She's a really good friend and wasnt even thinking about bringing the baby to the wedding (one because of germs and two it's winter and travelling with the baby) and I know every couple is different but we have only had to make changes for one couple and one couple only.  One couple out of 7 who have had a baby in the last year or have one coming in the next two months. I'm just frustrated.
  • kaos16kaos16
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    *Barbie* said:
    Ok I need to clarify.  I could care less about the baby at the bachelorette.  She wont remember.  I'm not sure about All that's going on but from what my friends said there involved some sort of blow up man shaped ring toss.  My fmil is extremely conservative.  The raunchiest of the activities are to be going on at my house.  We are in 3 days out.  She texted at 130am and didn't tell me.  Sorry for my misuse of words I should have used raunchy instead of real.  Honestly I didn't expect both of them to come.  I am mortified that we have to tell my fmil I'm embarrassed to have her around my house this weekend.  I want the raunchy silly bachelorette cuz I thought it would be fun.  And Like i said I would have understood if one of them dropped out of the wedding when they found out But it's like we have changed so many things about our day for this baby and it's always on the fly or never asked of us.  We are just told.

    The baby is ~4mo - so assuming that FSIL announced the pregnancy at the end of the first trimester, you've been aware of the baby for 10+ months. This isn't exactly unexpected.


    You mentioned that fSIL was not pregnant when she and fBIL were asked to be in the wedding party, which means that you asked them at least 13 months ago.

    Did you expect people to put their lives on hold (for more than a year!) until you got married? What would you have done if another WP member had a child?


    Maybe they're the only couple that's invited that had children, but when you plan a DW, you need to understand that it can be very difficult for parents to travel overnight without their kids - even with a good local support system. When you tell parents that their kids aren't invited to the DW, you're putting them in a difficult spot - they need to figure out extended childcare or decline. Like I said in my PP - if someone knowingly put me in that position, I'd be pissed off. I would assume they expected me to decline, and would be reevaluating my relationship with that person - why bother to "invite" me at all?

    It sounds like you were hoping that your fSIL and her H would quit the wedding party once she got pregnant, or decide they weren't going to attend the wedding - which is honestly pretty shitty. It sounds like they are trying to fulfill the commitment that they made to be in the WP.

    The only change that you really needed to make was agreeing to allow one exception to the "no kids" rule, and let your fSIL and her H bring their infant. They can sort out the logistics of what to do with the baby once they get there.

    Actually no they announced the baby within five minutes of us asking them to be bridesmaids.  We were ecstatic. But we had issues since day one.  We planned for the baby to stay in the hotel room.  I'm sorry.  I did everything in my power at their wedding to do exactly what they wanted.  Including finding seating for uninvited guests, set up, getting screamed at a wedding coordinator for the husbands family brining in 50 pies, and stopping 2 kids from knocking over the wedding cake for fun (i didn't grab them I grabbed their parents from the bar).  

    It's not about the wedding So much. We have talked with his family about constantly getting thrown under the bus at the drop of a hat.  What I am upset about is that she continues to do this.  That she and her husband make snide comments to us about the right way to buy and house and be married first. Or about my religion. Or about 500 other things that show how they are better than us because they did/do x y z according to gods law.  I'm tired of being tried to be made to feel ashamed of myself.  Im tired of constantly having to be polite.  At what point can I say enough is enough without being a bitch. Because not even telling me my fmil was coming to my house to stay with your child who was gonna be a surprise at a bachelorette party doesn't seem very courteous to me. 

    Please stop with this.  If your FI is having a conversation with them it needs to be about the problems you are having with your upcoming wedding and what you both feel needs to change.  Holding onto the past isn't healthy, and bringing up old stuff like this over and over is damaging to the relationship in its entirety.  People do sucky things sometimes. . . . . if you let them do sucky things to you, you need to deal with the consequences.  You didn't have to do any of those things at her wedding, you chose to, and now you're throwing it back in their face.  Not fair!

    With that being said. . . . I do think that they are treating you poorly currently as it relates to your wedding

    OliveOilsMom
  • edited January 3
    banana468 said:
    On some level I think you need to understand that when you have a baby things change and it's hard to make that adjustment in advance because there's just so much that's unknown.   You don't even think about those until later.

    That said, I think your FI needs to get on the phone and be really specific about what can and can't happen.   The battles worth picking IMO are:

    -FMIL crashing your bachelorette.

    -Hosting the babysitter's husband.   Is he family or just a random dude??  If he's family I'd let it go.   If we're talking about just the spouse of your babysitter I think you have plenty grounds to say that he's not welcome.

    But the problem also lies in your FI if he's not speaking up at all. 
    Random dude. I met the babysitter once.  Also.  The wedding location is closer to them than my house.  I think I left out that detail.  So we are actually having the wedding closer for them. They might even be closer than we are to the location

    Yeah, that's just weird and it would be a hard no from me.  In essence, the babysitter is a vendor for the wedding.  Vendors do not get to bring dates.

    Yet, oddly enough, I had a similar situation for a work Christmas party I was throwing together.  The DJ we hired asked if he could bring his g/f with him.  We reluctantly agreed, but told him that she needed to be dressed appropriately (cocktail attire) and we would not be providing her with food or beverages.  In the end it was fine, although weird, that he brought her.  The guy turned out to be a real odd duck all around, lol.  I personally wouldn't have hired him to begin with (for other reasons), but that decision was made before the planning was suddenly thrust upon me.

    I don't know; who is paying for the babysitting and how far is she traveling? I think if she's being paid to travel for their wedding I don't see why the boyfriend can't come to. I definitely don't think OP should pay for his meal or anything, but if she has to travel I can see why she'd want someone to travel with her. If she's local to the venue then I disagree and don't think they should accommodate the date. 

    But some vendors do bring guests; we invited the officiant's wife to the RD and the reception. And had we had any out of town vendors we wouldn't have had a problem with them traveling with someone. 
    Babysitter is local and ten minutes from out venue.  I wasn't kidding when I said our venue may be closer to them then it is to us. We offered to pay for either to hotel room or the food at the reception if the required the baby to be at the reception.  They chose reception.  
  • charlotte989875 said:Yeah then I definitely wouldn't expect to accommodate the boyfriend. 
    Thank you.  Like I said.  I am trying not to overrule mom but at a certain point I feel we are being too accommodating and getting walked all over
  • Appreciate it.  Yea I guess we both have to be more forceful.  Its just after a certain amount I get tired of it.  We have talked to my fi parents together and seperate, I talked to his other two sisters who have talked to the 3rd sister (and youngest) and her and her husband actions..  My fi does not have a brother this is his sister doing this.  Not sure if I'm using wrong acronyms but it's his sister who is starting this.  But like everyone has talked to her on multiple occasions and it still doesn't work.  I feel like I might have to get into a screaming match about it.  This will be the 12th time we have talked to them about this issue in a year
  • Appreciate it.  Yea I guess we both have to be more forceful.  Its just after a certain amount I get tired of it.  We have talked to my fi parents together and seperate, I talked to his other two sisters who have talked to the 3rd sister (and youngest) and her and her husband actions..  My fi does not have a brother this is his sister doing this.  Not sure if I'm using wrong acronyms but it's his sister who is starting this.  But like everyone has talked to her on multiple occasions and it still doesn't work.  I feel like I might have to get into a screaming match about it.  This will be the 12th time we have talked to them about this issue in a year
    Don't do that. Y'all should not bring in baggage from other conversations or examples of how you're fed up in general. Just don't. Keep things very simple and to just this one issue of the bachelorette party. None of this "you shouldn't have invited mom, you're always doing things and assuming it's ok" bullshit. Leave. Baggage. Out. Of. It. "Sorry, the baby can't stay at the house." Period. End of story.

    If your FI is able to stay on track not get into an argument or bring in other stuff, this shouldn't be that long of a conversation. But he really is going to need to focus on not taking any of her bait. He just needs to stay calm, focus on the issue and repeat himself. 

    (You weren't using the wrong acronyms, I think I just assumed it was his brother and brother's wife. But in my last comment, you can substitute "bro" for "sis". The conversation is exactly the same.)
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    short+sassy
  • Ro041Ro041
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Appreciate it.  Yea I guess we both have to be more forceful.  Its just after a certain amount I get tired of it.  We have talked to my fi parents together and seperate, I talked to his other two sisters who have talked to the 3rd sister (and youngest) and her and her husband actions..  My fi does not have a brother this is his sister doing this.  Not sure if I'm using wrong acronyms but it's his sister who is starting this.  But like everyone has talked to her on multiple occasions and it still doesn't work.  I feel like I might have to get into a screaming match about it.  This will be the 12th time we have talked to them about this issue in a year
    I think you should probably not focus on how many time you have had to talk to them about "this issue" in a year, because likely, it is a different issue each time.  Focus on what is going on in front of you.  No, you do not have enough space to host SIL, her husband (BIL), their baby, and FMIL when you will also have friends at the house.  That is reasonable.  Tell them that (have FI tell them that).  Then move on.  No, you do not have the space to accommodate the babysitter and her boyfriend at the reception.  Tell them that (have FI tell them that).  Then move on.  Let go of baby being there.  Parents have long memories and you risk making it seem like you don't like baby, which isn't true.  We are talking about a baby in the family, so I would allow the baby to be there.  

    southernbelle0915OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 

    charlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 
    The more the OP talks the more I'm seeing that it's about the sister telling her brother how it will be.   Brother needs to tell sis no or that she at least needs to ask if her plans will work when they involve his house / his event. 

    I agree that for a wedding the baby is often a package deal.  But the package is usually mom, dad and baby - not mom, dad, baby and sitter and sitter's spouse.  
    charlotte989875
  • edited January 3
    Thank you super helpful.  Ok so plan is fi is going to talk only about this to his mom and sister.  His sister's are there to help out if she goes to them and says we are being unfair or unreasonable.  In about a week I will approach the babysitter husband issue as a number thing because I told her I would get back to her after I got numbers.  Also my fiance is terrible with numbers so she knows I'm handling that part.  Keep it focused on the subject on hand.  Keep firm.  Got it.  Don't bring up past issues. You guys are awesome.  Thank you for understanding.  It is a great feeling knowing I'm not crazy for all this.
    Ro041short+sassysparklepants41
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited January 3
    banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 
    No, the FSIL can decline

    I feel like your posts put a lot of pressure on the OP. Like "if you REALLY cared, you'd let them walk all over you." No. The correct answer is "if FSIL REALLY wants to attend, she can make alternative arrangements." And the OP is not responsible for coming up with ideas for that. FSIL is the parent and she is responsible for figuring it out. 

    Example, I am invited to a wedding out of state this coming May. I will have a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old, neither of whom are invited. I am declining this invitation. Something I'm NOT doing is inviting my children to the party along with my mom.
    Exactly! That's what I'm saying! I said if she wants them there, she may have to say yes. The SIL and/or BIL declining means one or both of them won't be there. If she's fine with them possibly not attending, then sure, go ahead and say no and be prepared for the possibility of declines. 

    I also completely agree with your second graf. Yes, it's on the parents. But it sounds like the OP wants them there, which means she may have to make concessions. Sure, she can say no, but that may mean people dropping out of her wedding party. I'm trying to get her to understand the way it is with parents of infants. I don't know a single person, even the ones who put their babies in daycare, who would leave a baby at that age for many hours, probably over a day or two, out of state with someone else. Even a close family member.  The OP seems to think it's just easy to leave them with a sitter like that, and it's not. If this were the SIL posting about difficulties, I'd be saying, "A baby free wedding is within etiquette. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby either, so unfortunately, you're probably going to have to drop out if you can't find a sitter or something else to do with the baby. You can ask for an exception if you want, but she's perfectly fine to say no and you may have to decline."

    ETF: autocorrect. 

  • banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 
    No, the FSIL can decline. 

    I feel like your posts put a lot of pressure on the OP. Like "if you REALLY cared, you'd let them walk all over you." No. The correct answer is "if FSIL REALLY wants to attend, she can make alternative arrangements." And the OP is not responsible for coming up with ideas for that. FSIL is the parent and she is responsible for figuring it out. 

    Example, I am invited to a wedding out of state this coming May. I will have a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old, neither of whom are invited. I am declining this invitation. Something I'm NOT doing is inviting my children to the party along with my mom.
    If it weren't for my mum encouraging M and I to go to the wedding in September {it's a week after my bday} I would likely not go since we'll have a 3 month old. {her words: "go enjoy a few hours. You know my number. I'll stay at your place and learn the night time routine so baby isn't confused at my house"}
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 
    No, the FSIL can decline

    I feel like your posts put a lot of pressure on the OP. Like "if you REALLY cared, you'd let them walk all over you." No. The correct answer is "if FSIL REALLY wants to attend, she can make alternative arrangements." And the OP is not responsible for coming up with ideas for that. FSIL is the parent and she is responsible for figuring it out. 

    Example, I am invited to a wedding out of state this coming May. I will have a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old, neither of whom are invited. I am declining this invitation. Something I'm NOT doing is inviting my children to the party along with my mom.
    Exactly! That's what I'm saying! I said if she wants them there, she may have to say yes. The SIL and/or BIL declining means one or both of them won't be there. If she's fine with them possibly not attending, then sure, go ahead and say no and be prepared for the possibility of declines. 

    I also completely agree with your second graf. Yes, it's on the parents. But it sounds like the OP wants them there, which means she may have to make concessions. Sure, she can say no, but that may mean people dropping out of her wedding party. I'm trying to get her to understand the way it is with parents of infants. I don't know a single person, even the ones who put their babies in daycare, who would leave a baby at that age for many hours, probably over a day or two, out of state with someone else. Even a close family member.  The OP seems to think it's just easy to leave them with a sitter like that, and it's not. If this were the SIL posting about difficulties, I'd be saying, "A baby free wedding is within etiquette. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby either, so unfortunately, you're probably going to have to drop out if you can't find a sitter or something else to do with the baby. You can ask for an exception if you want, but she's perfectly fine to say no and you may have to decline."

    ETF: autocorrect. 
    If you read the follow ups though it's not that they aren't trying.   The OP's FMIL is going to BE at the bachelorette now.   That's not cool and she is being told who will be in her house.   At 6 mo, if you want to be at a party with your baby then you hold baby, hang out with baby and if you need to put baby to sleep and that means that you can't continue with the rest of the party you do that.   And if you want to keep partying while your kid sleeps you ASK if your mother can come have a sleep over.

    Ditto for the wedding.   It's not that the OP isn't saying the kid isn't welcome there.   They're arranging for a sitter and paying for the sitter.   But why does the sitter need to have her husband attend the wedding? 
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • banana468 said:
    First, I have a six-month-old. She won't be left overnight for a looooooong time. Probably the first time would be when we have our next child if I go into labor overnight! The longest she has been left is about 3.5 hours. She does not like the bottle, only tolerating it when my sister gave it to her, or solid food (not that she will be eating a significant amount of solid food for several months yet). 

    Second, there was a baby at the b-party I threw for my sister. And no baby sitter! The mom and other people just held him throughout. No big deal. A 4- month-old is not going to remember seeing a piece of lingerie. 

    Yes, they should have asked you before having the grandmother come in, but seriously!!! You think parents are going to leave a 4-month-old out of state overnight!? If they did ask, the answer should have been yes or they're not coming. 

    The snide comments are out of line. When they say that, you should say, "I don't appreciate you saying that. Please stop."

    The baby at the wedding. Tell them no. But be prepared that one or both of them may drop out of the wedding. Babies at that age, particularly for longer things, tend to be a package deal with the parents. I can't imagine leaving my child a month and a half ago for upwards of six hours or a full day. Not happening. 
    OK - I honestly think some of this isn't really helping your cause.   You're saying that the longest you've ever left your own 6 mo has been 3.5 hours.   And while that's your choice, it's YOUR choice.   Plenty of people leave their kids at much younger ages because their options are do it or do not have a job.    At 7 weeks for DD and 6 weeks for DS I was leaving them for 8 hours because I had to work.  People do it all the time.  That said, it's far different to do it during operating hours of a daycare compared to a weekend when you're at a wedding and if nursing the game changes because at some point you're going to need to pump or nurse or you'll leak.   But you can do it.   It's just a pain in the ass.   My  son never had formula and didn't like taking the bottle from DH but I closed my office door and pumped every 2-3 hours.   You can make it work.

    Secondly, I'm interpreting the OP's gripe not about the baby seeing the lingerie but about her FMIL seeing it.   I am seeing this not as a grip that the mom, dad and baby are crashing at their house but that they decided to bring the FMIL along as an uninvited guest into a place that isn't their home.   Maybe your family is open like that but I can tell you that I wouldn't appreciate being told that I need to plan for an additional overnight guest including linens and a bed in my home on a night that a party is being thrown for me.   That's not unreasonable. 


    True. However, daycare is also nearby. If something comes up, you can leave and go to them. She's talking about them leaving their baby out of state!

    I didn't pick up on the MiL thing. I assumed it was her not wanting a baby to see it. 

    I agree about unexpected guests. I wouldn't like that either, and as I said, the BIL and SIL should have asked about that. But again, it sounds like the choice is the kid and MiL or they're not coming. So if she really wants the BIL and SIL there, she would have to say yes. 
    No, the FSIL can decline

    I feel like your posts put a lot of pressure on the OP. Like "if you REALLY cared, you'd let them walk all over you." No. The correct answer is "if FSIL REALLY wants to attend, she can make alternative arrangements." And the OP is not responsible for coming up with ideas for that. FSIL is the parent and she is responsible for figuring it out. 

    Example, I am invited to a wedding out of state this coming May. I will have a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old, neither of whom are invited. I am declining this invitation. Something I'm NOT doing is inviting my children to the party along with my mom.
    Exactly! That's what I'm saying! I said if she wants them there, she may have to say yes. The SIL and/or BIL declining means one or both of them won't be there. If she's fine with them possibly not attending, then sure, go ahead and say no and be prepared for the possibility of declines. 

    I also completely agree with your second graf. Yes, it's on the parents. But it sounds like the OP wants them there, which means she may have to make concessions. Sure, she can say no, but that may mean people dropping out of her wedding party. I'm trying to get her to understand the way it is with parents of infants. I don't know a single person, even the ones who put their babies in daycare, who would leave a baby at that age for many hours, probably over a day or two, out of state with someone else. Even a close family member.  The OP seems to think it's just easy to leave them with a sitter like that, and it's not. If this were the SIL posting about difficulties, I'd be saying, "A baby free wedding is within etiquette. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby either, so unfortunately, you're probably going to have to drop out if you can't find a sitter or something else to do with the baby. You can ask for an exception if you want, but she's perfectly fine to say no and you may have to decline."

    ETF: autocorrect. 
    To the first two bolded's: The OP can want them there AND not say yes, though. That's my point. Is that these scenarios aren't on the host like "if you REALLY want them there, you'll say yes to their terms" or whatever. OP obviously wants FSIL there. She invited her. The invitation puts the ball in FSIL's court to figure it out without being rude (e.g. inviting her baby, inviting her mom, etc.). This isn't a situation where the host has to adjust the plans "if she really wants someone there". KWIM?

    To the third bolded: *raises hand* hello, you just met someone! If I had local family who would watch my baby while I went away for a night, I would do it. If you're (general you) a parent who wouldn't, then don't. Stay within arms reach of your baby and decline these types of invitations. But don't ask for exceptions, invite people without asking, or shift any blame to the hosts.
    *********************************************************************************

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    STARMOON44banana468thisismynickname2
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