Wedding Woes

Rudeness disguised as helpfulness

Q. Rudeness disguised as helpfulness: Why are my husband and his sister so rude and thoughtless? Whenever we host a gathering or a holiday meal, my husband and I plan the menu together and do the shopping. Inevitably, he will then talk to his sister and ask me something like, “Hey, can Drusilla bring a rotisserie chicken?” This might sound like a great thing, except I’m already cooking a turkey. In the past, she’s asked if they can bring a pie when I’ve already told her that I’m making cupcakes, brought a chicken salad when I’ve already made a green salad, or she simply shows up with a main dish and takes over my meal.

I’ve repeatedly suggested to my husband that he have his sister bring an appetizer or drinks, or a side dish that we haven’t already planned on making, but he can’t get it through his head that what he and his sister are doing is rude and thoughtless. Even my friends have noticed and commented on it. Believe me when I say that it looks weird to have a large prime rib of beef on the table with a little pot roast sitting next to it. I’ve told her many times to “Just bring yourselves,” to which she replies, “Oh we can’t do that!”

Why are my husband and his sister like this? What, if anything, can I do?

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Re: Rudeness disguised as helpfulness

  • Someone has to talk to them.

    Story time!
    So for our friend xmas party, the hosts said "we'll make food and provide everything {except booze} if you just pay $5 per person. It'll even out, and if it ends up being less {due to sales} I'll update you!"

    Reasonable. Saves everyone time on making stuff.

    Two friends showed up late so food was already gone, they didn't plan on asking for the money {which ended up being less than originally intended}
    They brought snacks anyways, but later found out from one of them that they never intended on paying and were bringing food regardless of time.

    Short version - these two are now in the bad books with hosts, one wasn't entirely in the greatest standings to begin with though ...
  • So first, I know I'm not the usual Prudie-poster but I didn't see this one up yet and really wanted to discuss!

    My best friend does this and it kind of drives me slightly nuts! I co-hosted her bachelorette party, told her all the food was taken care of and that I'd bake the brownies she loves, and she still baked a cake.  I've had two get-togethers where I assured her all food was taken care of and she still brings food. 

    I never thought it was "rude" of her, just that she's completely incapable of not bringing something to contribute. She and her husband love to host people in their home and always have too much food. If she doesn't want to show up empty-handed, geez just bring wine! At least wine can stay in the shelf (or haha let's be real, we'll drink it), but with too many desserts or side-dishes you end up with too many leftovers you have to race to eat before things go bad. 
    I think it’s so so rude! Huge pet peeve of mine. I’m throwing the party so I get to be the one who shows off my baking at it! I have no qualms about leaving unsolicited food in the kitchen. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I think everyone here is being a little on the side of extra. 

    One dish is not 'taking over' a dinner, even if it is traditionally a main dish. 

    I think the husband isn't telling the sister shit.  I think he's saying, "We're having a dinner. Come on over." and his sister says, "I'll bring something!" and he doesn't say anything further. 

    Why isn't LW communicating to SIL that she would like her to bring an appetizer, dessert, side dish, etc?  Why after the first time the husband 'failed' did she not just take over the communication?

    LW says, "She asks if she can bring a pie when I've already made cupcakes!"  WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN SHE ASKED?  Also, who says no to 2 desserts?! 

    SIL is ridic if LW is making turkey or prime rib and she shows up with some other main course dish.  Like, just bring the potatoes Drusilla. 

    And lastly, how many times are they hosting these big dinners where SIL is invited along with a group of friends? I mean, we maybe have a 'dinner party' once every 5 years.  If we have a gathering at our house for no reason, it's almost always a pitch-in type event (we'll cover most of the main course stuff, but people will ask what to bring and we'll tell everyone something different). 
    This is exactly what I think is happening. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I think everyone here is being a little on the side of extra. 

    One dish is not 'taking over' a dinner, even if it is traditionally a main dish. 

    I think the husband isn't telling the sister shit.  I think he's saying, "We're having a dinner. Come on over." and his sister says, "I'll bring something!" and he doesn't say anything further. 

    Why isn't LW communicating to SIL that she would like her to bring an appetizer, dessert, side dish, etc?  Why after the first time the husband 'failed' did she not just take over the communication?

    LW says, "She asks if she can bring a pie when I've already made cupcakes!"  WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN SHE ASKED?  Also, who says no to 2 desserts?! 

    SIL is ridic if LW is making turkey or prime rib and she shows up with some other main course dish.  Like, just bring the potatoes Drusilla. 

    And lastly, how many times are they hosting these big dinners where SIL is invited along with a group of friends? I mean, we maybe have a 'dinner party' once every 5 years.  If we have a gathering at our house for no reason, it's almost always a pitch-in type event (we'll cover most of the main course stuff, but people will ask what to bring and we'll tell everyone something different). 



    I have at least one dinner party a month, and I always fully host them, plus about three larger parties a year, again fully hosted. By all means, pls feel free to bring a hostess gift- wine, chocolates, a fancy soap- but when you ask “what can I bring” and I say “just yourself!” I really really don’t want you bringing food you expect to have served. 
    My parents hosted dinners often when I was younger and my nana would often say "what should I bring?" They didn't need anything, so my mum would say "buns" so she felt she was contributing.

    Now it's an on going joke that if we host anything and my mum asks to bring something, I say buns lmao
  • I also think there can be a distinction of rudeness based on intention. If someone thinks, "Ugh, I hate Nickname's baking so I'm going to bring my own cake even though she's making brownies," I consider that rude. But, someone who's been raised to never show up empty-handed and loves to bake, who shows up with cake when there's already brownies- I can't fault them for that. It exasperates me a little because I get stuck with the leftovers and all the calories but it wouldn't, say, affect my relationship. No amount of assuring my friend everything's taken care of will prevent her from showing up with something I didn't ask for. Conversely, when this friend tells me to "bring wine!" or "bring a side dish!" I do exactly that and don't improvise!
    ________________________________


  • mrsconn23 said:
    I think everyone here is being a little on the side of extra. 

    One dish is not 'taking over' a dinner, even if it is traditionally a main dish. 

    I think the husband isn't telling the sister shit.  I think he's saying, "We're having a dinner. Come on over." and his sister says, "I'll bring something!" and he doesn't say anything further. 

    Why isn't LW communicating to SIL that she would like her to bring an appetizer, dessert, side dish, etc?  Why after the first time the husband 'failed' did she not just take over the communication?

    LW says, "She asks if she can bring a pie when I've already made cupcakes!"  WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN SHE ASKED?  Also, who says no to 2 desserts?! 

    SIL is ridic if LW is making turkey or prime rib and she shows up with some other main course dish.  Like, just bring the potatoes Drusilla. 

    And lastly, how many times are they hosting these big dinners where SIL is invited along with a group of friends? I mean, we maybe have a 'dinner party' once every 5 years.  If we have a gathering at our house for no reason, it's almost always a pitch-in type event (we'll cover most of the main course stuff, but people will ask what to bring and we'll tell everyone something different). 



    I have at least one dinner party a month, and I always fully host them, plus about three larger parties a year, again fully hosted. By all means, pls feel free to bring a hostess gift- wine, chocolates, a fancy soap- but when you ask “what can I bring” and I say “just yourself!” I really really don’t want you bringing food you expect to have served. 
    I wish we had more time to entertain, but we're a) not organized enough and b) our weekends book up fast with events and family stuff.  I was just telling SIL the other day that we're busy clear through the beginning of March with stuff on weekends.  We've had so many get-togethers that literally happen at the last second because we get a call or text that someone is in town and we happen to be free.  Those are definitely 'everyone bring something' and there's a last minute run to the store/liquor store.  ;) 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    I think everyone here is being a little on the side of extra. 

    One dish is not 'taking over' a dinner, even if it is traditionally a main dish. 

    I think the husband isn't telling the sister shit.  I think he's saying, "We're having a dinner. Come on over." and his sister says, "I'll bring something!" and he doesn't say anything further. 

    Why isn't LW communicating to SIL that she would like her to bring an appetizer, dessert, side dish, etc?  Why after the first time the husband 'failed' did she not just take over the communication?

    LW says, "She asks if she can bring a pie when I've already made cupcakes!"  WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN SHE ASKED?  Also, who says no to 2 desserts?! 

    SIL is ridic if LW is making turkey or prime rib and she shows up with some other main course dish.  Like, just bring the potatoes Drusilla. 

    And lastly, how many times are they hosting these big dinners where SIL is invited along with a group of friends? I mean, we maybe have a 'dinner party' once every 5 years.  If we have a gathering at our house for no reason, it's almost always a pitch-in type event (we'll cover most of the main course stuff, but people will ask what to bring and we'll tell everyone something different). 



    I have at least one dinner party a month, and I always fully host them, plus about three larger parties a year, again fully hosted. By all means, pls feel free to bring a hostess gift- wine, chocolates, a fancy soap- but when you ask “what can I bring” and I say “just yourself!” I really really don’t want you bringing food you expect to have served. 
    I wish we had more time to entertain, but we're a) not organized enough and b) our weekends book up fast with events and family stuff.  I was just telling SIL the other day that we're busy clear through the beginning of March with stuff on weekends.  We've had so many get-togethers that literally happen at the last second because we get a call or text that someone is in town and we happen to be free.  Those are definitely 'everyone bring something' and there's a last minute run to the store/liquor store.  ;) 
    I love those too- I don’t mean to imply there’s anything wrong with everyone pitching in casual get together. But if the host says not to bring something, don’t!
  • Someone has to talk to them.

    Story time!
    So for our friend xmas party, the hosts said "we'll make food and provide everything {except booze} if you just pay $5 per person. It'll even out, and if it ends up being less {due to sales} I'll update you!"

    Reasonable. Saves everyone time on making stuff.

    Two friends showed up late so food was already gone, they didn't plan on asking for the money {which ended up being less than originally intended}
    They brought snacks anyways, but later found out from one of them that they never intended on paying and were bringing food regardless of time.

    Short version - these two are now in the bad books with hosts, one wasn't entirely in the greatest standings to begin with though ...
    I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2018
    Someone has to talk to them.

    Story time!
    So for our friend xmas party, the hosts said "we'll make food and provide everything {except booze} if you just pay $5 per person. It'll even out, and if it ends up being less {due to sales} I'll update you!"

    Reasonable. Saves everyone time on making stuff.

    Two friends showed up late so food was already gone, they didn't plan on asking for the money {which ended up being less than originally intended}
    They brought snacks anyways, but later found out from one of them that they never intended on paying and were bringing food regardless of time.

    Short version - these two are now in the bad books with hosts, one wasn't entirely in the greatest standings to begin with though ...
    I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
    Agreed. I guess if it’s a regular group activity and this is what you do, fine, but I’m not generally cool with people charging a fee to go to a party in Your Home. If I’m paying, then you’re not hosting and why shouldn’t I get to have a say in things? And I’m bringing alcohol? 
  • My mom does this sometimes in the vain of "can't help but bring something". For Thanksgiving she said she would bring rolls and something else and I said great and planned the rest accordingly. But then they ended up bringing like 2 other things. Not a huge deal but just kind of an eye roll since we had it covered.  Or I'll offer to bring something and she says ok bring a dessert (back when I used to like to bake a lot) and I'd bring it but then she would have also provided 2 other desserts and when there's only 5-6 people to begin with it just felt dumb for me to have brought my dessert item when there was already plenty. 
  • When my aunt was married to her ex-H her former ILs would do this.   She told me stories of them coming over for Sunday dinner and her MIL bringing a chicken dinner.   Dinner was pork roast.   

    Ex FIL would say, "Where's my chicken?"  
    Aunt would say: "In the fridge." 
    Ex FIL would say, "But I wanted chicken!"
    Aunt would say, "Well dinner's pork roast." 

    Eventually they started to get that they can't walk into her home and expect her to serve the food that they brought because they couldn't comprehend that she was the hostess and in her home she did what was up to her.

    So if I were LW, I'd start to try to curb this ahead of time and talk to the sister myself.   If she still isn't getting it then say thanks and don't put it out.   Eventually people get the hint.
  • Someone has to talk to them.

    Story time!
    So for our friend xmas party, the hosts said "we'll make food and provide everything {except booze} if you just pay $5 per person. It'll even out, and if it ends up being less {due to sales} I'll update you!"

    Reasonable. Saves everyone time on making stuff.

    Two friends showed up late so food was already gone, they didn't plan on asking for the money {which ended up being less than originally intended}
    They brought snacks anyways, but later found out from one of them that they never intended on paying and were bringing food regardless of time.

    Short version - these two are now in the bad books with hosts, one wasn't entirely in the greatest standings to begin with though ...
    I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
    Agreed. I guess if it’s a regular group activity and this is what you do, fine, but I’m not generally cool with people charging a fee to go to a party in Your Home. If I’m paying, then you’re not hosting and why shouldn’t I get to have a say in things? And I’m bringing alcohol? 
    It's because she knew everyone was busy during the holidays that she offered to do this {she had free time}

    Typically we all bring snacks, and bringing alcohol you wanted {there was some but not much, our group isn't big drinkers}

    Menu was provided and suggestions were requested, and since she knew I enjoy brie but can't technically have it, she made baked brie :)
    {we're an easy bunch, no health or allergy related things}
  • Someone has to talk to them.

    Story time!
    So for our friend xmas party, the hosts said "we'll make food and provide everything {except booze} if you just pay $5 per person. It'll even out, and if it ends up being less {due to sales} I'll update you!"

    Reasonable. Saves everyone time on making stuff.

    Two friends showed up late so food was already gone, they didn't plan on asking for the money {which ended up being less than originally intended}
    They brought snacks anyways, but later found out from one of them that they never intended on paying and were bringing food regardless of time.

    Short version - these two are now in the bad books with hosts, one wasn't entirely in the greatest standings to begin with though ...
    I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
    Agreed. I guess if it’s a regular group activity and this is what you do, fine, but I’m not generally cool with people charging a fee to go to a party in Your Home. If I’m paying, then you’re not hosting and why shouldn’t I get to have a say in things? And I’m bringing alcohol? 
    It's because she knew everyone was busy during the holidays that she offered to do this {she had free time}

    Typically we all bring snacks, and bringing alcohol you wanted {there was some but not much, our group isn't big drinkers}

    Menu was provided and suggestions were requested, and since she knew I enjoy brie but can't technically have it, she made baked brie :)
    {we're an easy bunch, no health or allergy related things}
    That's what I suspected. Did the people who showed up late and brought their own food tell her they were OK with the plan?
  • mrsconn23 said:
    It's because she knew everyone was busy during the holidays that she offered to do this {she had free time}

    Typically we all bring snacks, and bringing alcohol you wanted {there was some but not much, our group isn't big drinkers}

    Menu was provided and suggestions were requested, and since she knew I enjoy brie but can't technically have it, she made baked brie :)
    {we're an easy bunch, no health or allergy related things}
    That's what I suspected. Did the people who showed up late and brought their own food tell her they were OK with the plan?
    Nope! Just showed up late with food. The hostess was hurt. We didn't even know they were going to be late either.
  • LW should just deal with the SIL herself.  Two meat entrees probably aren’t necessary, but is anyone really upset with a cake and brownies on the dessert table?

    As a host, my guests will be fully hosted from the first drink and apps all the way through to dessert and a night cap.  As a guest, I do like offering to bring something.  I’m happy to bring a dish of the host’s choosing, but if the host insists I just bring myself, I bring a bottle of wine and that’s it.
  • I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
    Agreed. I guess if it’s a regular group activity and this is what you do, fine, but I’m not generally cool with people charging a fee to go to a party in Your Home. If I’m paying, then you’re not hosting and why shouldn’t I get to have a say in things? And I’m bringing alcohol? 
    It's because she knew everyone was busy during the holidays that she offered to do this {she had free time}

    Typically we all bring snacks, and bringing alcohol you wanted {there was some but not much, our group isn't big drinkers}

    Menu was provided and suggestions were requested, and since she knew I enjoy brie but can't technically have it, she made baked brie :)
    {we're an easy bunch, no health or allergy related things}

    I could understand it, in this context.  Though I was invited to a mutual friend's birthday party.  It was a crawfish boil.  I asked if I could bring anything and they suggested some categories.  I brought something on their list.  But then, the hostess pulls me aside when I get there and tells me they are requesting everyone chip in $8 to help pay for the crawfish.  WTF?!?

    I was unemployed at the time, which she knew, and I wouldn't have gone if I'd known ahead of time they wanted people to chip in money.  I told her I only had a $5 bill with me (though I did have a bit more than that) and asked if that would be okay.  At least she told me that was fine and never hounded me for another $3 at a different time.  But I was really side eyeing.

    As to the letter, I've always been a "the more the merrier" when it comes to food.  Though I would try to coordinate with the SIL ahead of time.  Just so I could make less food.  But I can definitely understand  the perspective of hosts/hostesses who prefer to not be "surprised" with unwanted dishes.

    I always offer to bring something to a party, because that's just how I am.  But if I'm told not to, I don't.  Because I respect that some people don't like unexpected food showing up. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • The LW should just tell her SIL what she needs. If she's serving meat, then she can say, "We're serving meat, but thanks for offering." But if the SIL wants to bring another dessert, that isn't a hill I would die on. And if there are leftovers, she can take them home.
  • I honestly think this is pretty weird. It's as if you're inviting someone to a party and charging them a door fee. Not cool. 

    I wouldn't want to pay, but I would be happy to contribute snacks/wine/side dish. 
    Agreed. I guess if it’s a regular group activity and this is what you do, fine, but I’m not generally cool with people charging a fee to go to a party in Your Home. If I’m paying, then you’re not hosting and why shouldn’t I get to have a say in things? And I’m bringing alcohol? 
    It's because she knew everyone was busy during the holidays that she offered to do this {she had free time}

    Typically we all bring snacks, and bringing alcohol you wanted {there was some but not much, our group isn't big drinkers}

    Menu was provided and suggestions were requested, and since she knew I enjoy brie but can't technically have it, she made baked brie :)
    {we're an easy bunch, no health or allergy related things}

    I could understand it, in this context.  Though I was invited to a mutual friend's birthday party.  It was a crawfish boil.  I asked if I could bring anything and they suggested some categories.  I brought something on their list.  But then, the hostess pulls me aside when I get there and tells me they are requesting everyone chip in $8 to help pay for the crawfish.  WTF?!?

    I was unemployed at the time, which she knew, and I wouldn't have gone if I'd known ahead of time they wanted people to chip in money.  I told her I only had a $5 bill with me (though I did have a bit more than that) and asked if that would be okay.  At least she told me that was fine and never hounded me for another $3 at a different time.  But I was really side eyeing.

    As to the letter, I've always been a "the more the merrier" when it comes to food.  Though I would try to coordinate with the SIL ahead of time.  Just so I could make less food.  But I can definitely understand  the perspective of hosts/hostesses who prefer to not be "surprised" with unwanted dishes.

    I always offer to bring something to a party, because that's just how I am.  But if I'm told not to, I don't.  Because I respect that some people don't like unexpected food showing up. 

    Yeh see if someone was unemployed that was invited, it might be different.

    That's ridiculous that it wasn't mentioned ahead of time about the request for money. That's horrible hosting :( I mean if you knew ahead of time and still opted to go, that's different.

    Tbh our party ended up being about $2 or $2.50 per person since she got good deals on food since it was near holidays.
  • I was once invited by my cousin to her home for Thanksgiving dinner. Since our family always asks if they can bring something, I did, and was told to bring dessert.

    I brought a pumpkin pie, but another guest brought one of her own, and that was the one that got served. My cousin first asked me if I would mind if they didn't serve mine. Then she asked me to take it home with me. I told her that it was hers to figure out what to do with, but I wasn't taking it home.

    I won't accept invitations from her again.
  • Jen4948 said:
    I was once invited by my cousin to her home for Thanksgiving dinner. Since our family always asks if they can bring something, I did, and was told to bring dessert.

    I brought a pumpkin pie, but another guest brought one of her own, and that was the one that got served. My cousin first asked me if I would mind if they didn't serve mine. Then she asked me to take it home with me. I told her that it was hers to figure out what to do with, but I wasn't taking it home.

    I won't accept invitations from her again.
    Because of pie?!
  • In some parts if the country (definitely the Mid-West!) it is considered polite to bring something to a dinner party.  Many people wouldn't consider coming without bringing an offering.  It is sort of understood.  Other parts of the country do not have this tradition.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • this is a husband problem, not a SIL problem. It's generous of her to bring something, but it's a little rude of her to try an "show up" the host by doing a spin-off dish. Make something excellent that stands alone. 

    I always feel bad not bringing something with me, but I check with the hosts to see what they need (side/dessert/etc.) - and failing that will bring wine/beer or some sort of host gift. We do a lot of holidays with TX BFF's extended family (since we usually don't travel, and they're local) - and they always go all out. BFF's mom was teasing me that she's always nervous cooking for me since I enjoy cooking and am always trying out new things - but her food is usually really good classic southern style dishes, so I will bring a little Yankee flair, or go with a family recipe. We did a brunch at their place recently and BFF told me not to cook, so I got a pre-made mezze platter from a local store and it was a hit. 
  • SO's mother always brings food to my hosted dinners. Honestly it gets a little annoying because I have everything planned out and there's already too much food anyways. I know she means well though, so I haven't said anything. I just have SO reiterate  that "no mom, really, you seriously don't have to bring anything. Just yourself." She'll get it one day. Maybe. If someone brought another main entree to my meal though, I would be super annoyed. Like no, we have a main course already. And, not to be conceited, but I know mine tastes better. lol. 

    I always ask if people would like me to bring something because I know how expensive hosting can be. But if they said no I would honor that/only bring a hostess gift. 


    image
  • CMGragain said:
    In some parts if the country (definitely the Mid-West!) it is considered polite to bring something to a dinner party.  Many people wouldn't consider coming without bringing an offering.  It is sort of understood.  Other parts of the country do not have this tradition.
    I don’t go anywhere empty handed. Whether that’s a bottle of wine, a case of beer, or something small for dessert, we always bring something. I usually ask, if the host specifies, I bring that, if they don’t, it’s alcohol. 
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