Wedding 911

Cancel and elope? Help!

edited January 11 in Wedding 911
My fiance and I are supposed to be getting married at the end on March. We have been together for about 7 years and have a 1 year old, so basically we are already married at heart, we just want to make it official. I've never been a girl that dreams of her wedding day, so we planned on having a low key reception and ceremony in our neighborhood; getting married along the waterway and the reception was going to be behind my parents' house down the street. 

A few days ago I went over their house to find the field (reception area) all torn up. Someone (not mentioning names) went back there with a tractor and basically turned it into a mud pit. 

Now, my mom is offering to pay for a venue and everything that goes with it. But, honestly it's not what I wanted. I wanted a fun backyard party, not this. We had family chefs that we're catering for free, free venue, and basically free alcohol (our good friend is a wine vender). It was supposed to be a fun event with my talented friends and family making it special by contributing to the cause. 

Simply put, I wanted my people, my amazing friends and family to be able to contribute to make the day amazing. Not some company that is just trying to make money off of me. I mean I'm sure the venue would make everything very nice it's just not as personal or as special. And SO much more expensive.

The worst part is the invitations have been sent! I feel so sad and upset I just don't know what to do. Is it bad if I send a letter to everyone letting them know we have decided to cancel and elope? I need to decide soon! Please help!


Re: Cancel and elope? Help!

  • Yeah it’s ridiculous and rude to cancel. Let your mom pay! Enjoy it! Enjoy that your friends and family all get to enjoy the day as guests instead of working!
    short+sassythefuturemrso219
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    If you really want your family and friends to have a great time, let your mom pay. Otherwise your nearest and dearest will be working an event for free instead of enjoying it. Working a wedding as a loved one is THE WORST. It is not enjoyable. It is not "fun" just because I love you. Get the new venue. Get professional casual caterers. I promise everyone will have a much better time. 


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    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited January 12
    My fiance and I are supposed to be getting married at the end on March. We have been together for about 7 years and have a 1 year old, so basically we are already married at heart, we just want to make it official. I've never been a girl that dreams of her wedding day, so we planned on having a low key reception and ceremony in our neighborhood; getting married along the waterway and the reception was going to be behind my parents' house down the street. 

    A few days ago I went over their house to find the field (reception area) all torn up. Someone (not mentioning names) went back there with a tractor and basically turned it into a mud pit. 

    Now, my mom is offering to pay for a venue and everything that goes with it. But, honestly it's not what I wanted. I wanted a fun backyard party, not this. We had family chefs that we're catering for free, free venue, and basically free alcohol (our good friend is a wine vender). It was supposed to be a fun event with my talented friends and family making it special by contributing to the cause. 

    Simply put, I wanted my people, my amazing friends and family to be able to contribute to make the day amazing. Not some company that is just trying to make money off of me. I mean I'm sure the venue would make everything very nice it's just not as personal or as special. And SO much more expensive.

    The worst part is the invitations have been sent! I feel so sad and upset I just don't know what to do. Is it bad if I send a letter to everyone letting them know we have decided to cancel and elope? I need to decide soon! Please help!


    Oh, my!  You expected friends and family to do your wedding for you?  No!  Really bad idea!   They are your guests, not your worker bees!

    If you are hosting your own wedding, YOU are responsible for all the arrangements, including food and drink.  This is basic wedding etiquette 101.  You never ask anyone else to contribute either money or work for your wedding.  Your plans were very improper.

    Now that your Mom has so graciously offered to pay for a venue for a proper wedding, she can be the host.  You are so lucky that she offered this!  Many couples pay for their own wedding all by themselves.

    You have some choices to make.  Assuming that you do not want to have your wedding as you had planned (and you SHOULDN'T!), then you send cancellation notices to everyone who received an invitation.

    "The wedding of Bride and Groom
     will not take place as previously announced."

    That's it!  No explanations.  Word of mouth will travel.

    Now you decide what you want to do.  Either elope and send out marriage announcements as soon as you are married, or thank your mother and plan a polite wedding that does not impose on friends and family members.  You can schedule a new date and send out new invitations.

    Here is wording for a marriage announcement if you decide that you would prefer to elope.  It is sent out AFTER you are married.  No other information should be included.

    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    announce their marriage
    Date of ceremony
    City, State

    You can always have a casual party to celebrate your marriage at a different time, but no wedding traditions.
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    MobKazInLoveInQueensshort+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • Yeah it’s ridiculous and rude to cancel. Let your mom pay! Enjoy it! Enjoy that your friends and family all get to enjoy the day as guests instead of working!
    No, it isn't rude to cancel a wedding, as long as you give enough notice.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MobKaz
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    Take your mother up on her offer. You shouldn’t be asking your family and friends to be funding your wedding, which is basically what you’re doing. Your chefs catering for free - who is purchasing the food? They’ll be spending their time working your wedding instead of enjoying it as a guest. 
    What about the wine vendor? How are they getting free product? Nothing is ever free. 

    InLoveInQueensCMGragainshort+sassyMairePoppy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited January 12
    Just because your Mom will be hosting does not mean that it has to be a formal wedding.  My sister rented a pavilion in a city park for her wedding.  They had a pig roast (professionally done) with potato salad, baked beans, and coleslaw, and beer in cans.  It was very laid back.
    Since Mom will be paying, she does have some input on your plans.  Talk to her and see if you can have a meeting of minds.  Oh, and THANK HER!!!!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • levioosa said:
    I'm a little confused here. Someone tore up your parents' yard? Are they not trying to figure out who and why?

    Anyway, I would tell your friends they're off the hook about needing to work your wedding and now they get to enjoy it as guests because mom's footing the bill, yay!
    Maybe mom tore up the yard on purpose so she wouldn’t have to cook for a whole wedding. “Oh no! Looks like we’ll have to do this whole shindig professionally. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it.”  
    Having a huge family - I'd probably run the disk myself if either of my children tried to pull the back yard wedding on me when they hit that milestone!

    OP - I'd recommend going as far as to say "Have at it Mom!  This way things can be kept in your budget!".  Against your belief OP, vendors aren't "out there to grab your money" - they're in business to make a living just as your employer is.  Check into local shelter houses/community centers/KC/Lion's Club halls to keep it more casual.  Nothing says you have to go super formal, and I wouldn't cancel just because your parent's house isn't where it'll be at, pick a venue and send out a small photocopied note that says "Change of venue" after first calling your Friendors to let them know of the change before they purchase supplies...
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    InLoveInQueensMairePoppy
  • CMGragain said:
    Yeah it’s ridiculous and rude to cancel. Let your mom pay! Enjoy it! Enjoy that your friends and family all get to enjoy the day as guests instead of working!
    No, it isn't rude to cancel a wedding, as long as you give enough notice.
    Invitations have been sent. Its in 2 months. Absent a good reason I think that’s too late to cancel. 
  • It sucks you can’t get married where you planned, but why go from having a nice, casual event with friends to inviting no one? I don’t get the change from inviting everyone to inviting no one because of the venue/yard. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited January 14
    CMGragain said:
    Yeah it’s ridiculous and rude to cancel. Let your mom pay! Enjoy it! Enjoy that your friends and family all get to enjoy the day as guests instead of working!
    No, it isn't rude to cancel a wedding, as long as you give enough notice.
    Invitations have been sent. Its in 2 months. Absent a good reason I think that’s too late to cancel. 
    You are talking about standard etiquette.  Two months is plenty of time to cancel.  Two days is not.
    It is possible that the OP can find a venue that will work for the same date and time she had planned, but it isn't likely.  I think this would be the first thing I would check out.  I planned my own wedding in 2 months time.  It can be done.
    Assuming that it isn't possible to find a venue for the same date and time, the other choice is to cancel plans and re-plan the wedding for the closest date possible.
    I came very close to cancelling my own wedding plans and eloping.  I decided to stick it out, but the memories are not good ones.  I don't regret my decision, but it was very stressful.
    When I was working as a church organist, I had been hired by a couple who decided not to get married the day before their ceremony.  The minister was in complete agreement with their decision.  Was it rude?  No.  Should they have gone through with the marriage to please guests?  No.  Was it inconvenient for guests?  Yes, but they understood, and they were supportive of the couple's decision.  Imagine the phone calls!
    Saying that it is rude to cancel a wedding is not correct.  Cancelling a wedding without informing your guests - now THAT is rude!
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    JediElizabethOliveOilsMom
  • edited January 15
    Your wedding will be more enjoyable if your closest family and friends are there as guests to celebrate alongside you, not as workers stressing to pull things off perfectly. Acquaintances, however, would likely be grateful for exposure as good vendors. 

    While I think you should accept financial help from your mother if needed, you should also plan the wedding that's right for you. If that means tiny, informal, and at a public park, so be it...as long as it's meaningful to you.

    (Removed for TOS violation)
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    CMGragain said:
    Yeah it’s ridiculous and rude to cancel. Let your mom pay! Enjoy it! Enjoy that your friends and family all get to enjoy the day as guests instead of working!
    No, it isn't rude to cancel a wedding, as long as you give enough notice.
    Invitations have been sent. Its in 2 months. Absent a good reason I think that’s too late to cancel. 
    Truth.  If I have an invite, I probably already have a flight, hotel and dress booked (because lately, all the weddings I have been going to are out of town).

    STARMOON44
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    Did no one else get the impression that this was not actually land they own, just "empty" land adjacent to her parents' property, that they were planning to hold this party on?

    Anniversary

  • Did no one else get the impression that this was not actually land they own, just "empty" land adjacent to her parents' property, that they were planning to hold this party on?

    Hmmm...I did not catch that on my initial reading, but it is curious.  The phrase was "behind my parents' house down the street".  The "down the street" part does make it sound like it was something other than the parent's backyard. There is also a hint that the OP knows who messed up the field, which PP's assumed were her parents.  Because, who else would it be if they owned the land.

    I'm not going to assume the OP was going to use land without the owner's permission.  But, if that were the case, it is definitely just as well the plans have been changed.  If I saw a party happening on a piece of land I owned, police would be called to get everybody off and to stay off.  As stupid and messed up as lawsuits are in our country, someone could get hurt and/or drive off drunk.  And the land owner...who had no knowledge that a bunch of people were trespassing...would often/always be included in the lawsuit.

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    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    Did no one else get the impression that this was not actually land they own, just "empty" land adjacent to her parents' property, that they were planning to hold this party on?

    Hmmm...I did not catch that on my initial reading, but it is curious.  The phrase was "behind my parents' house down the street".  The "down the street" part does make it sound like it was something other than the parent's backyard. There is also a hint that the OP knows who messed up the field, which PP's assumed were her parents.  Because, who else would it be if they owned the land.

    I'm not going to assume the OP was going to use land without the owner's permission.  But, if that were the case, it is definitely just as well the plans have been changed.  If I saw a party happening on a piece of land I owned, police would be called to get everybody off and to stay off.  As stupid and messed up as lawsuits are in our country, someone could get hurt and/or drive off drunk.  And the land owner...who had no knowledge that a bunch of people were trespassing...would often/always be included in the lawsuit.


    I read it that the parents house was down the street from the waterway, the site of the ceremony.  Though based on the rest of it, it is not clear whether the parents fully own the spot OP wanted for the reception.  But since OP was not "naming names" (which makes it seem like she does know who did it) over who used the tractor on the field, I think OP's parents do own it and this was their attempt to sabotage having a large party on their property, when they probably did not want it.
    short+sassy
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