Hot for prof

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Three years ago I experienced an incredibly strong and instantaneous connection with a man. It was the only time I’ve ever felt such a powerful attraction, and I felt hooked immediately. The problem is that he was my professor—or at least a graduate student teaching my class. I never pursued anything with him because of the obvious ethical issues. Once I graduated, I thought about him a lot but never attempted to get in touch with him.

A year and a half later, I’m in grad school and—surprise—he now teaches here too. We’ve since met again and have become a lot more involved academically. My feelings have only increased. I’m near graduation now but I’m scared of saying something and I’m not sure it’s ethically OK even after I graduate. I’m scared of rejection, and I worry that my attachment to him is not genuine—that it’s just a product of the situation. I don’t know how to get over this and I’m scared to start anything. Am I just being a silly girl infatuated with an idea?

—Stupid in Love

charlotte989875

I just think this is a bad idea. If you're still in touch after graduation and you want to see where things go, fine. But until then it's a rather risky relationship for the faculty member, not to mention inappropriate. 


I looked up our policy (large, public, flagship university) and it's under the sexual harassment section:

"Members of the teaching staff should be aware that any romantic involvement with their students may lead to formal action against them if a complaint is registered by a student.

Even when both parties have consented to the development of such a relationship, it is the instructor who, by virtue of power differential and special professional responsibility, may be held accountable for unprofessional behavior.

Those who are directly or indirectly affected by such a relationship are invited to discuss their concerns with the Office of Equity, Diversity and Affirmative Action for professionally competent discussion of their complaint."

So basically, even if the relationship is consensual, faculty can still be held accountable for unprofessional behavior, even when initiated and consented to by a student. The policy doesn't differentiate grad students from undergrads. 

NOLABridesmaid

She should wait until graduation day and pull him behind the stage.

MissKittyDanger

I would personally try to start a friendship first. Just because you're hot for someone, doesn't mean it'd work out. At least a friendship gives you an idea who that person is {that being said; doesn't always work out.}

southernbelle0915

Wait til you graduate and then do whatever. 

I see both sides of the pursue and don't coin. On the one hand, let unicorns be unicorns. But on the other hand, at least you'd never wonder what might have been.

southernbelle0915

NOLABridesmaid said:

She should wait until graduation day and pull him behind the stage.

I really hope this is Prudie's advice. 

banana468

I would be concerned about engaging with him if you're not on equal footing and still connected to the same university.   Wait until you've at least graduated before thinking of pursuing anything. 

STARMOON44

He’s a stranger basically. You know him exclusively professionally. This isn’t real it’s just a crush. 

ei34

You can’t control who you’re drawn too, but LW should wait until she graduates.  

short+sassy

No question the LW needs to, at least, wait until after graduation.

It seems like she knows that also and is more questioning ethics for making a move "after".

Assuming they will have no professional/educational connection...or reason to believe there might be one in the near future...after she graduates, I'd suggest she gives it about 6 months.  If she's still thinking about him after that time, then reach out and ask him out.  If not, then maybe it is just an infatuation.

I don't think it would be a good idea for her to reach out shortly after graduation because, if he responds and they do start dating, I could see gossip flying that they were dating beforehand.  A rumor like that wouldn't be good for either one of their careers.

There was a similar situation to this at my high school.  I played the trumpet in the marching and jazz bands.  Our new band director was on the younger side (mid 20's) and previously came from a nearby high school.  At one of our first competitions, in chit-chatting with people from that other HS, we heard rumors that this band director and their flag team captain (senior) had the hots for each other.  For the entire season, they would hang out together at competitions that both schools were attending.  I wouldn't say they openly flirted with each other, but it was animated conversations, eyes sparkling, and lots of smiles together.  That kind of thing.

She graduated in June.  By Fall of that year, they were openly dating and seemed very serious.  They were engaged by the end of that school year.  I don't know if he had any professional repercussions.  But, as I'm sure you can all imagine, tongues WAGGED!