Wedding Woes

Need to get my groove back, but not sure how.

Dear Prudence,
I left an abusive relationship a year ago. I’ve spent the past year healing and rebuilding my life (still a work in progress). In that time, I’ve flirted with the idea of casual, carefree sex, but it turns out I’m not very carefree and I’m not ready for casual sex, or any sex at all. Now it’s been a year since I’ve had sex. A year! I like sex. It’s important to me. Will I ever have sex again? Do I need to just grab the next willing and interested party and do it before I forget how? Should I do it even though I don’t really want to right now? Will I ever want to again? Will I die alone? No, but seriously: Is it possible that part of my life is just over? I’m not yet 30, so I hope not. Please, give me some perspective here.

—Melodramatic (But Still Not Getting Any)

Re: Need to get my groove back, but not sure how.

  • edited January 2018
    Since I'm assuming LW is in counseling, I think this might be something LW might wanna discuss with counselor.

    Counselor may give some ways for LW to deal with questioning about sex, or even suggest a different approach {personalized pleasure vs with someone else? idk}

    edit for after thought
    Taking the nature of previous relationship out of the equation, getting intimate with someone new isn't easy.
  • I'd discuss this with a trauma counselor.
    If you don't feel ready for sex, you're not.

    You (likely) will at some point, but just not yet.

    This part of your life isn't over, unless you want it to be. 

    You will not forget how to do it. (Also you might find new, fun ways to do it ;) ).

    But really, this is a super normal part of the process, and something to discuss with a counselor. They can reassure LW about these feelings, help them safety-plan for when they do think they are ready, and be there to discuss feelings afterward. 

    Be patient with yourself, LW. This is a long, hard process. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2018
    You can forget how?  I thought it was like riding a bike.....

    edit: at any rate, this girl is young! I want to be 'not yet 30' again! I feel like she should focus on herself and let a relationship/sex come naturally. 

  • She admits she's not ready for sex, let alone carefree sex. So don't. Place and order for a vibrator and a dildo until that time comes.
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  • I'm thinking a lot of this is understanding the aspects of engaging in any kind of flirtatious behavior.    It seems to have some social anxiety undertones.

    Only the OP can determine what will or won't work.   I know myself well enough to know that carefree sex isn't my jam.    But s/he needs to start feeling comfortable about engaging in any kind of process that can even lead to the sex. 
  • She admits she's not ready for sex, let alone carefree sex. So don't. Place and order for a vibrator and a dildo until that time comes.
    That's kinda what I was thinking. Start with re-learning your body. Sometimes it's easier to be intimate with yourself before someone else.
  • She admits she's not ready for sex, let alone carefree sex. So don't. Place and order for a vibrator and a dildo until that time comes.
    That's kinda what I was thinking. Start with re-learning your body. Sometimes it's easier  better even! to be intimate with yourself before someone else.
    Preach. 
  • You can forget how?  I thought it was like riding a bike.....

    edit: at any rate, this girl is young! I want to be 'not yet 30' again! I feel like she should focus on herself and let a relationship/sex come naturally. 

    This was exactly my first thought, lol.

    I think the LW is causing herself more stress by thinking that, if she isn't ready by now, maybe she never will be.  It's one of those times I wish I could magically reach out and reassure her, "If you don't feel you're ready yet, that's okay!  You will be.  And those first steps back into the dating world will be scary, but you'll get there with some more time."

    I've never been a victim of abuse, so I hope I am not completely talking out of my a**, but I'm worried that trying to rush a step that she doesn't feel ready for might backtrack her progress. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • i feel like this person needs to get a vibrator/dildo/fleshlight/sex toy of choice and have some solo fun - and also see a therapist to work through the abusive relationship. "
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