Keep the mentoring professional (also, WTF field is this?)

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I’m mentoring a passionate young woman who is studying to enter my career field. She’s confronting some major issues in the process, mostly related to focus, money, and inconsistent support from her husband. I’ve seen this building for months. The advice I think I need to give her is that she has to have a serious conversation with her husband about his inconsistent support and ultimately decide how to proceed if he’s unable to commit. My belief is that the money and focus issues are secondary for her and will become manageable once her husband steps up to support her. My fear is that he’s not sufficiently mature or emotionally ready to commit to supporting her through the process of entering this profession. I don’t know how to tell her this, or even if I should. Maybe I can help guide her to figuring it out for herself. You’re a professional advice giver. Have any advice on how to give advice?
—How Much to Say

charlotte989875

So I disagree about not mentoring on personal issues; but it's an EXTREMELY fine line. I knew in my career that I had to have a partner who would be willing to relocate, who understood the demands of the tenure process (and now the working two jobs thing) and that I would be poor in grad school (hello $13,000/year stipend) and have student loans forever. I had relationships in the past that people didn't get it, and those clearly didn't work out. 

I definitely think the framing needs to be more along the lines of "you need a strong support system, or a system that understands the demands/responsibilities/schedule of this profession because it's unpredictable" and leave it at that. She'll make the connection. Focus more on mentoring regarding work-life balance than "he's not committed". 

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

I definitely think the framing needs to be more along the lines of "you need a strong support system, or a system that understands the demands/responsibilities/schedule of this profession because it's unpredictable" and leave it at that. She'll make the connection. Focus more on mentoring regarding work-life balance than "he's not committed". 

Bolded.

I also the that the person LW is mentoring still needs a conversation, not about support but more about the work-life balance. It happens in many job changes.

levioosa

I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of a Ponzi or real-estate scam. 

InLoveInQueens

levioosa said:

I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of a Ponzi or real-estate scam. 

Or MLM/Pyramid Scheme.

VarunaTT

My first through was medical or law.  Something "professional" that is going to require a damn high commitment from this woman for her to achieve her goals and her husband (according to LW) isn't on board.  B/c that happens all the time to professional women studying (the number of divorces I've seen now in law school is astounding to me).

But anyway, I think that mentors do have that fine line of helping to recognize a personal issue, but they do need to keep it professional sounding.  And it's a "one and done" type thing to me. I like the work-life balance approach mentioned earlier.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

But anyway, I think that mentors do have that fine line of helping to recognize a personal issue, but they do need to keep it professional sounding.  And it's a "one and done" type thing to me. I like the work-life balance approach mentioned earlier.

Yes.  LW sounds like she wants to go more in-depth into her mentee's life and that's just a recipe for disaster.   And maybe her mentee's husband has some valid concerns about how it will all work out for them.  There's more to their household than just her career. 

southernbelle0915

She can say "Your husband sucks. He's weighing you down and taking your career and dreams with him on S.S. Immaturity." without really saying it directly.

I would address it in the first person. "I have found that dedicated and consistent spousal support in the way of (specific example), (specific example), and (specific example) is really critical to being successful in this field. All the (insert profession title) who I know who had inconsistent support have suffered from focus issues, and money problems which have directly affected their success in the field. (example) (example). Do you feel like you're on solid footing in that space?" If she waffles or says no, then "I'm so sorry, I had no idea...I have the name of a great counselor who has helped colleagues of mine." And let her help herself....if she wants to.

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

VarunaTT said:

But anyway, I think that mentors do have that fine line of helping to recognize a personal issue, but they do need to keep it professional sounding.  And it's a "one and done" type thing to me. I like the work-life balance approach mentioned earlier.

Yes.  LW sounds like she wants to go more in-depth into her mentee's life and that's just a recipe for disaster.   And maybe her mentee's husband has some valid concerns about how it will all work out for them.  There's more to their household than just her career. 

Yeah I don't think LW inserting themselves into the mentee's personal life is the right track, but I do think mentors can play a huge role in preparing young or new professionals for the impact a career has on their personal lives. 

I'm going to "agree, but" to the bolded. When H and I were first dating we had to have some pretty frank conversations about career v personal life. I firmly, for a long time, felt that career trumped everything else. It's how I made it through a PhD, and at that point in time I wasn't willing to compromise on that. And really, he wasn't either. For some people, in some professions, if you want to excel your career does need to come first. That's not wrong. But I do think having a mentor explain "if you want to get to x position, oftentimes y compromises need to be made". It's not a judgement if you don't want to do that, but I think we do a disservice, especially to women in male dominated fields, not to explain the very real personal sacrifices that are often required to be made to succeed. Then work to change them when we're in positions of power. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of a Ponzi or real-estate scam. 

Interesting!  That was not how I initially read the letter.  But, after your comment, I went back and re-read it and now I'm suspicious too, lol.  Especially because 2 of the only 3 things the mentor mentions are "focus" and "money".

The only money topic I can think of as being related to mentoring is either for education or a business.  And we all know there are some shady MLM/pyramid businesses out there, ie "buy $5+K worth of Lularoe second-quality leggings and you're sure to double your money in a few months!"

Speaking of real estate, though not on the scam side, that was a progressive discussion with my H over a course of about two years before he was as gung-ho as I am.  We've actually gone from him being the super "killin'me, we are going to grow so slow" conservative to me being the one having to pull back the reins now, lol. 

levioosa

short+sassy said:

levioosa said:

I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of a Ponzi or real-estate scam. 

Interesting!  That was not how I initially read the letter.  But, after your comment, I went back and re-read it and now I'm suspicious too, lol.  Especially because 2 of the only 3 things the mentor mentions are "focus" and "money".

The only money topic I can think of as being related to mentoring is either for education or a business.  And we all know there are some shady MLM/pyramid businesses out there, ie "buy $5+K worth of Lularoe second-quality leggings and you're sure to double your money in a few months!"

Speaking of real estate, though not on the scam side, that was a progressive discussion with my H over a course of about two years before he was as gung-ho as I am.  We've actually gone from him being the super "killin'me, we are going to grow so slow" conservative to me being the one having to pull back the reins now, lol. 

Yeah, it was those two words that made me think it’s a scam. Like, LW didn’t say it was an arduous time commitment, that it would take time and dedication and long hours. He (I’m guessing it’s a he) kept talking about the money. It just sounded suspiciously like conversations my bff’s “mentor” has made to her. She’s totally in a real estate scam where you leverage all of your properties against one another and then get “investors” to front money for the next property. The “mentor” uses her for free labor for his seminars. The seminars themselves cost over $20K to attend. It’s ridiculous. 

MesmrEwe

I hadn't thought of the MLM/Ponzi/leggings type thing until PP mentioned it, and yea, I immediately became suspicious reading it from that angle based on the language patterns used.  LW needs to stick to the task at hand, and if it is MLM, point it out that the subject is getting out of balance (so if it is MLM she can GTFO of it ASAP before their entire savings are sunk into it.

Right now I do have several (paid) mentors for different aspects of my professional work and you bet your sweet bum if they see something out of alignment with my home-work-life balance they point it out immediately (and yes, even in DH's favor at times!)..   It's not for the mentor to make the ultimate decision, it's for the mentor to bring the student to the point of being ready.  

GBCK

my first thought was a religious vocation, where I think unreasonable requirements are put on spouses.

which really gives me the same side eye ast the MLMs

short+sassy

GBCK said:

my first thought was a religious vocation, where I think unreasonable requirements are put on spouses.

which really gives me the same side eye ast the MLMs

Haha, back in my single days, I had a profile on Yahoo Personals.  A guy contacted me a few times but, in his profile, he said he was attending the Baptist Seminary in town.

Oh, heck no!  I would hate the unpaid job of being a pastor's wife, so why even start dating someone who is striving to be a pastor. 

My other memorable "heck no" was a widower with 3 kids...all under the age of 5.  Under the age of 5 (shudder again).  For a "I don't even want my own kids" gal like me, it sounded utterly horrifying.