Etiquette

Moved Away

minimalistyminimalisty member
edited January 28 in Etiquette
So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

Re: Moved Away

  • I wouldn’t do it, even if you think she won’t feel that way, you’re still inviting her after the fact and she’ll know she’s just replacing someone, and your bridesman will know he’s easily being replaced. Even sides are not the most important thing, and not worth risking two friendships over. 
    STARMOON44short+sassyahoywedding
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 28
    So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?
    One of my SIL's bridesmaids didn't come to her wedding. That was sad for her, but my SIL realized that it was not "one of the worst things that could happen," that even sides were unnecessary, and that anyone she asked to replace the bridesmaid would be hurt to be B-listed as a wedding party member.

    She did not replace the bridesmaid and married my brother without changing their plans. That was in 1999. It was a very happy occasion for all, and they are married today with two children.

    Don't replace your bridesman. You do not have a "spot" open, and it never "came down to numbers" why you didn't ask your other friend in the first place. What it came down to is that you didn't care enough about your other friend to ask her when you asked everyone else. That boat has sailed.

    short+sassymollybarker11ahoywedding
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    "Hi friend, I didn't ask you to be in my wedding in the first place because having you in there would make it look weird from a numbers perspective.  But my first choice isn't available, so now I need you.  Cool?"

    I'm 38 and would be offended and would decline.  Grow up.



    Anniversary
    levioosaInLoveInQueensshort+sassyahoywedding
  • What is she supposed to be “mature enough to understand”? That you (immaturely) put the number 4 ahead of your relationship with her and now youre tapping your B list? No. 
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    lnixon8short+sassyahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 28
    Sides do not have to be even. Do not replace this bridesman. Wedding party members are people, not job positions that need to be filled. It doesn't say much about your friendship with either of these people that you think it's fine to just replace one with the other.
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    CMGragainahoywedding
  • So, you want to insult your friends?  Just go ahead and replace the missing bridesman.  You will find you have fewer friends.  Terrible idea!
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    ahoywedding
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    That’s a no. Don’t do this. It is hurtful and immature. Way to tell your other friend she wasn’t good enough for the first cut, and way to make your friend that is moving to feel like she is replaceable. 

    Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the WP, the only thing they have to do is show up sober, on time, and in the right attire on the day of the wedding. They don’t have to plan you parties, set up decorations, or anything else. 


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    ahoywedding
  • @minimalisty, it sounds like you just recently found out and are understandably upset that he won’t be able to attend your wedding! Replacing him with another friend is the type of thing someone would do in a state of panic and later regret. You made the right choice in coming here to get unbiased feedback on your idea! You’re questioning it because something in your gut is telling you it’s wrong.

    Go with your gut, which has been backed up by all of us here, and simply I invite this woman as a guest. Do not worry about the numbers of your wedding party. I’m sure your photographer will have worked with plenty of other odd-numbered groups, but you can remind them to downplay any asymmetry if you’re very concerned.

    Your wedding will be beautiful and special even though your bridesman won’t be there. Perhaps you can arrange for a FaceTime/Skype chat with him as you’re getting ready.

    missfrodoernursejahoywedding
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You excluded a close friend from your wedding because numbers are more important to you than people. No amount of maturity stops that from being a slap in the face. 

    Now you want to rub salt in the wound by humiliating her with the runner up spot? Hell no. You've done enough already. Just be happy that this person is still a friend at all. 
    levioosaahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
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