Wedding Woes

How to discuss health

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been seeing a new guy for the past month, and while I may not be head over heels just yet, I can see it lasting a while. My question is, when should I bring up my depression? My last relationship lasted almost three years, but ultimately he ended it because he couldn’t handle me at my lowest—which obviously didn’t help. I’d hate to waste that much time on someone again, so I’d rather know if he’s going to duck out the second life doesn’t feel so peachy to me. And if you think it’s OK to bring it up, how should I phrase it?
—When to Bring Up Mental Health?

Re: How to discuss health

  • It's not an easy conversation, regardless how long you've been with the person.
    If LW is seeing a counselor/therapist, they may be able to help LW figure out the wording and how to bring it up.
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    I agree with @southernbelle0915, I would try to get it out there as soon as you can.  Let him know so he can make his own decision. 

  • As soon, or as late, as you feel disclosing it. If you want to lay it out early, go for it. No use spending time with someone who won't be accepting of who you are. 
  • I tend to wait until it comes up naturally, even just with friends. Then again, almost everyone I know has some sort of mental illness, so it does come up. 
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  • It's certainly not first date material, but I think it needs to be brought up as soon as things look like they area heading in a more serious direction.

    TBH, when I was single, a depression disorder was potentially one of my deal breakers.  That came from a 10-month relationship I had in college with a man who suffered from depression.  It was the most miserable relationship I ever had.  After that, I dated someone who was fine at first, but he slowly became super negative about everything.  I don't mean the relationship.  I mean, well, everything.  Work, family, politics, society in general.  I don't know if he suffered from depression, though I suspected that, but he was also miserable to be around and I wish I had "woken up" sooner.

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  • I was always blunt - I'd bring up potential relationship breakers on the first date. Saved me a ton of time.  Possibly why DH was my first boyfriend, since all the other potential relationships ended with the first dates. But I wasn't too sure about the dating scene, so I was perfectly fine with being alone over being with someone who wouldn't end up working out.
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  • GBCKGBCK
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    It's certainly not first date material, but I think it needs to be brought up as soon as things look like they area heading in a more serious direction.

    TBH, when I was single, a depression disorder was potentially one of my deal breakers.  That came from a 10-month relationship I had in college with a man who suffered from depression.  It was the most miserable relationship I ever had.  After that, I dated someone who was fine at first, but he slowly became super negative about everything.  I don't mean the relationship.  I mean, well, everything.  Work, family, politics, society in general.  I don't know if he suffered from depression, though I suspected that, but he was also miserable to be around and I wish I had "woken up" sooner.

    FWIW, I'm well aware of how much the asshole this makes me sound, but, if the Mr. dropped dead tomorrow and I was dating, I'd be wary w/ depression and other forms of mental illness.
    I just don't know that I want to go throgh some of that again.

    But I'm already in, and I"m not jumping ship because of it or anything like that.  Just, it's hard sometimes and I'd not mind being able to fast forward through some of those parts.
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  • GBCK said:

    It's certainly not first date material, but I think it needs to be brought up as soon as things look like they area heading in a more serious direction.

    TBH, when I was single, a depression disorder was potentially one of my deal breakers.  That came from a 10-month relationship I had in college with a man who suffered from depression.  It was the most miserable relationship I ever had.  After that, I dated someone who was fine at first, but he slowly became super negative about everything.  I don't mean the relationship.  I mean, well, everything.  Work, family, politics, society in general.  I don't know if he suffered from depression, though I suspected that, but he was also miserable to be around and I wish I had "woken up" sooner.

    FWIW, I'm well aware of how much the asshole this makes me sound, but, if the Mr. dropped dead tomorrow and I was dating, I'd be wary w/ depression and other forms of mental illness.
    I just don't know that I want to go throgh some of that again.

    But I'm already in, and I"m not jumping ship because of it or anything like that.  Just, it's hard sometimes and I'd not mind being able to fast forward through some of those parts.
    FWIW my mum is 'dating' for the first time after my dad passed 4yrs ago and he's well aware of the situation and she had to deal with her own grief {plus other stuff} before it was an option.

    This guy is well aware not to push things, and he got out of a bad relationship also so it works out.
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country
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    GBCK said:

    It's certainly not first date material, but I think it needs to be brought up as soon as things look like they area heading in a more serious direction.

    TBH, when I was single, a depression disorder was potentially one of my deal breakers.  That came from a 10-month relationship I had in college with a man who suffered from depression.  It was the most miserable relationship I ever had.  After that, I dated someone who was fine at first, but he slowly became super negative about everything.  I don't mean the relationship.  I mean, well, everything.  Work, family, politics, society in general.  I don't know if he suffered from depression, though I suspected that, but he was also miserable to be around and I wish I had "woken up" sooner.

    FWIW, I'm well aware of how much the asshole this makes me sound, but, if the Mr. dropped dead tomorrow and I was dating, I'd be wary w/ depression and other forms of mental illness.
    I just don't know that I want to go throgh some of that again.

    But I'm already in, and I"m not jumping ship because of it or anything like that.  Just, it's hard sometimes and I'd not mind being able to fast forward through some of those parts.
    If that makes you an asshole, then I'm right there with you. H has bipolar depression and it's hard a lot of the time. I'm in it for the long haul with him, but if for some reason I was ever dating again, I'd be wary of getting involved with someone again that had mental illness. 
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  • I think I would want to know within the first month or two, but mostly because of my own experiences with ex-DH.  His depression, and refusal to deal with it in any manner, is one of the foundations of the problems that led to our divorce.  I knew going into the relationship with K fairly early on that there were some pretty rough mental illnesses, but also that K managed them, so I was willing to do it again. 

    So yeah, maybe like..a month or two?  Where you know some one well enough that you're past surface sharing.  I don't feel like people managing mental health issues need to announce it to everyone, just for their own safety.
    STARMOON44cupcait927short+sassy
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