Well-rested vs. sharing a bed

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I have been dating an amazing man for the past six months. We are still at the “sleeping over several times a week” stage. We are absolutely incapable of sharing a bed and getting enough sleep. We have sex and cuddle a while, then he slips off to my guest room and sleeps there for the night. He says my bed is too soft. When I stay at his place, I think his bed is too hard. Our sleep styles are wildly different, and we’re both in our mid-30s and a bit set in our ways. He burritos himself in the bedclothes; I insist that the sheets must be tucked in order for me to feel secure. We both snore like banshees. We’ve talked about it, and I told him I was seriously bummed that we could not spend the night together, but I have to admit that we are much more rested when we sleep apart. His parents sleep apart for the same reasons, so he is much less bothered by this than I am. Is this a cause for concern in this budding but very promising relationship (I can see myself marrying him!), or is it just the reasonable accommodations adults must make?
—A Problem That’s Not a Problem

STARMOON44

Seems fine to me! You could try having separate duvets, euro style, and eventually get something like a sleep number bed where one side is hard and one soft. But you’re getting sex and sleep so seems like you are winning. 

mrsconn23

DH and I have had separate blankets our entire relationship.  I cannot sleep if I'm fighting to stay covered.  We rarely 'snuggle' in bed and definitely not during sleep.  I feel suffocated and I can never position my arms in a comfortable manner.  I need my space.  A king size memory foam bed was the best thing we ever did for our marriage (plus, DefConn likes to make appearances in the middle of the night). 

banana468

Sleep number bed and separate sheets?   My ILs have been married for 46 years and don't sleep on the same floor.  Do what works.

charlotte989875

I don't see a problem; in the future maybe a larger bed, a sleep number bed, or even separate beds in the same room would be a better long term plan. But for now? It's working, you're still having sex, and sleep, so I wouldn't worry about it. 

H and I have totally different sleep preferences; we have separate sheets and blankets even. When we move we're getting an even bigger bed (like California King if it will fit). But yeah, do I sleep better when he's away? Sure, but we prefer the same bed. 

CharmedPam

H and I are in the minority where we BOTH need an ultra plush pillowtop.  We went mattress shopping last weekend and even the saleslady was like "you need it SOFTER than our softest? I've never felt anything softer!".  Yes.  Yes, we do.  And we know we're in the minority since everyone else thinks our bed is TOO soft.  But it works for us!

At any rate, for this LW - yes, a sleep number and separate sheets should work.  

levioosa

SO and I have been sleeping in several beds off and on for several months. I miss falling asleep next to him, but honestly I sleep way better when he’s not there. He complains about my bed, and I complain about his cocooning practices that leave me without blankets in the middle of the night. Plus he talks so much and he thrashes and snores. On nights I have to wake up early with important things to do I sleep in the other bed. 

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

SO and I have been sleeping in several beds off and on for several months. I miss falling asleep next to him, but honestly I sleep way better when he’s not there. He complains about my bed, and I complain about his cocooning practices that leave me without blankets in the middle of the night. Plus he talks so much and he thrashes and snores. On nights I have to wake up early with important things to do I sleep in the other bed. 

This is totally me. And why we now have separate blankets. 

short+sassy

I'm with you all.  I don't think couples sleeping in separate beds because of different sleep habits as being a problem at all.  And if they ever move in together, they can look into some of the suggestions made like a sleep number mattress.

ei34

Regular sex + good sleep sounds great to me, regardless of who’s sleeping where.  But LW should definitely have a discussion with her SO about closeness and her needs, if it’s bothering her. 

MissKittyDanger

My nana and poppa had twin beds in the same room - close to each other - for years because my poppa had health issues.

That idea worked for them, and sounds like LW could benefit from that if they opt to live together. Plus you can get 2 diff bed styles

banana468

MissKittyDanger said:

My nana and poppa had twin beds in the same room - close to each other - for years because my poppa had health issues.

That idea worked for them, and sounds like LW could benefit from that if they opt to live together. Plus you can get 2 diff bed styles

Doesn't work if you both snore like banshees.   That's a lot of why my ILs sleep in separate rooms that happen to be on different floors.

If DH's snoring gets bad I want to kick him into another room.

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

My nana and poppa had twin beds in the same room - close to each other - for years because my poppa had health issues.

That idea worked for them, and sounds like LW could benefit from that if they opt to live together. Plus you can get 2 diff bed styles

Doesn't work if you both snore like banshees.   That's a lot of why my ILs sleep in separate rooms that happen to be on different floors.

If DH's snoring gets bad I want to kick him into another room.

I think I keep just thinking about my dad grinding his teeth, being in the basement while he's on the top floor and still able to hear it. I just learned how to ignore it lmao {note: M does this now too, and it's worse than snoring I swear}

ShesSoCold

Ughhhhhhhhh I've always wanted to be one of those perfectly happy couples with separate bedrooms.

I require a lot of sleep and I'm a super light sleeper. H snores, has body heat, does this annoying ass thing where he puts his arm up above my head on my pillow and then twitches and barely touches my hair so I feel like there's bug on me, etc. I'm relieved when he falls asleep on the couch and I can sneak to bed without him.

But his dad has slept on the couch for H's entire life (with both wives) and both marriages have been/are miserable ones, so it's important to H to sleep together. So we compromise by allowing me to sleep with the TV on, he always sleeps on his side and we have a king size blanket on our queen size bed. I occasionally kick him (and the dog) out if I just cannot get back to sleep and he's understanding about it.