Stressing over offending family, backing out on DJ

Knottiee2125053d09a62b4

I need to vent about this and maybe get some advice/assurance/something!?

A month ago, we met with a DJ my FI's uncle and aunt recommended -- a (casual) friend of theirs. It's relevant that our wedding is in this uncle's backyard, but up til this point they had been very relaxed about their involvement (and had recommended a caterer we ultimately booked!)

After the initial consult, his uncle (unbeknownst to us) worked out special pricing with the DJ and also offered us an extremely generous "wedding present" of covering part of the cost. We were both grateful for --- and felt kind of pressured by -- this offer, so we initially told the DJ via email that we'd take them up on it.

However, then my fiance, to whom music is extremely important, immediately started having doubts and was not at all happy about the decision. He really wanted to book another person who is a part of his extended friend/family circle and produces great hip-hop music, who had just become available. I didn't want to upset the family members (whom I'm just getting to know!) but told my fiance I'd support him if he felt that we needed to change our minds. In the end, we called his uncle and had an awkward exchange where we told him we'd changed out minds (after expressing a lot of gratitude for his effort and his offer) and thereafter emailed the DJ and told him the same. This was all about a week after we had initially emailed to say we wanted him. Initially, we felt relieved that we'd have a DJ my fiance could be excited about after all, despite feeling bad about rejecting the generous offer.

Now the DJ we backed out of (but before signing the contract) has gotten back to us and essentially said that he had said no to another wedding because of us, expressing his displeasure, and asking if there is anything else he can do that day -- emcee, lighting, etc -- I guess as a way of making up the cost? (The wedding is in about 2 months, for reference). I feel completely awful that we were so haphazard about the process and cost this guy business, and also awful that we rejected the generosity of my fiance's uncle, who is already letting us get married at his home and helping us with a lot of other things. Our budget is so tight that we can't really afford to offer this other DJ some kind of job (that I can think of....?). He's a really excellent and well-regarded DJ, so I don't think he suffers badly for business, but I still feel like our indecision became much more complicated than it should have been because we met with this guy to begin with (I tried to tell my fiance at the time that we shouldn't meet with him for this exact reason/family complications, but he brushed it off, which I am desperately trying not to say I TOLD YOU SO about since he's already upset about the situation).

Advice/perspectives more than welcome!

MobKaz

It is unfortunate, to be sure.  But if all this transpired within the time span of a week, and no contract was signed, I don’t see how you can or should feel responsible for “lost business”.  We spent at least a week or two between being “penciled in” with vendors and locking in to a contract.  If, within that weeks time, another potential client contacted him, then it stands to reason that another will as well.

STARMOON44

There’s really nothing you can do here. I think you just need to move on. 

short+sassy

I understand why you feel bad about what happened but, the bottom line is, a contract was not in place yet.  You don't owe the other DJ anything.  I'm sure things like that happen all the time, on both sides of the coin.  And, like @MobKaz mentioned, it's not like this went on for a long period of time.

TBH, it's a distinct possibility that he didn't have someone call him for that same day and he is just saying that now to try and guilt you all into paying him something.

charlotte989875

Knottiee2125053d09a62b4 said:

I need to vent about this and maybe get some advice/assurance/something!?

A month ago, we met with a DJ my FI's uncle and aunt recommended -- a (casual) friend of theirs. It's relevant that our wedding is in this uncle's backyard, but up til this point they had been very relaxed about their involvement (and had recommended a caterer we ultimately booked!)

After the initial consult, his uncle (unbeknownst to us) worked out special pricing with the DJ and also offered us an extremely generous "wedding present" of covering part of the cost. We were both grateful for --- and felt kind of pressured by -- this offer, so we initially told the DJ via email that we'd take them up on it.

However, then my fiance, to whom music is extremely important, immediately started having doubts and was not at all happy about the decision. He really wanted to book another person who is a part of his extended friend/family circle and produces great hip-hop music, who had just become available. I didn't want to upset the family members (whom I'm just getting to know!) but told my fiance I'd support him if he felt that we needed to change our minds. In the end, we called his uncle and had an awkward exchange where we told him we'd changed out minds (after expressing a lot of gratitude for his effort and his offer) and thereafter emailed the DJ and told him the same. This was all about a week after we had initially emailed to say we wanted him. Initially, we felt relieved that we'd have a DJ my fiance could be excited about after all, despite feeling bad about rejecting the generous offer.

Now the DJ we backed out of (but before signing the contract) has gotten back to us and essentially said that he had said no to another wedding because of us, expressing his displeasure, and asking if there is anything else he can do that day -- emcee, lighting, etc -- I guess as a way of making up the cost? (The wedding is in about 2 months, for reference). I feel completely awful that we were so haphazard about the process and cost this guy business, and also awful that we rejected the generosity of my fiance's uncle, who is already letting us get married at his home and helping us with a lot of other things. Our budget is so tight that we can't really afford to offer this other DJ some kind of job (that I can think of....?). He's a really excellent and well-regarded DJ, so I don't think he suffers badly for business, but I still feel like our indecision became much more complicated than it should have been because we met with this guy to begin with (I tried to tell my fiance at the time that we shouldn't meet with him for this exact reason/family complications, but he brushed it off, which I am desperately trying not to say I TOLD YOU SO about since he's already upset about the situation).

Advice/perspectives more than welcome!

It definitely sounds like you booked him and then backed out. Which is kind of a crappy thing to do, but without a contract doesn't obligate you to do anything more for the DJ. I think you apologize for any inconvenience, but say you can't hire him for anything else and move on. 

Jen4948

As you hadn't signed a contract with this DJ, you weren't committed to using him.

I can understand last-minute jitters with something important, but unfortunately, by letting the guy and your FI's aunt and uncle believe that you were going to hire him and then not doing so, you and your FI yanked the ground out from under him.

I don't think you have to use him, but I would offer him an apology.

It also sounds to me like you and your FI could use some discussions about future decision-making, with or without the help of a professional counselor. Your FI blew off your concerns about hiring a friend of his relatives and then changed his mind in a way that left you feeling like you were on the hot seat. I wouldn't want to be in a similar situation in the future.

LondonLisa

You didn't have a contract so legally there is nothing you HAVE to do. However, 'have to do' and 'should do' are different concepts.

Morally, it was a pretty rubbish and flakey thing to officially commit to him, then pull out. There is a big difference between discussing hypotheticals and gathering quotes, but the minute you say "Yes, let's sign a contract" I believe your word is your bond. Frankly, I don't care if it was Calvin Harris available or if your fiancé is the world's biggest music fan, if you already said yes to a DJ, I think you should have paid him the full amount for being flakes and backing out.

Think about it this way, if you had said yes to him officially and were in the process of signing a contract, then he turns around and says 'sorry, just booked another wedding' you would be frustrated and upset (and you weren't even the one losing business).  Especially as there was an established relationship with your uncle. If you can throw him some business/money as an apology, I believe it might go a long way. Are you planning on doing lights? Or anything else this guy can manage? 

It's easy to get caught up in planning, but try to only commit if you actually are able to commit and stick to it. 

ETA: I definitely agree with @Jen4948 Your fiancé kinda sounds like a jerk in this situation. You really need to discuss both of your behaviour, and also assess why you just went along with it, rather than saying no. And how cool your fiancé is with leaving you high and dry... 

MesmrEwe

LondonLisa said:

You didn't have a contract so legally there is nothing you HAVE to do. However, 'have to do' and 'should do' are different concepts.

Morally, it was a pretty rubbish and flakey thing to officially commit to him, then pull out. There is a big difference between discussing hypotheticals and gathering quotes, but the minute you say "Yes, let's sign a contract" I believe your word is your bond. Frankly, I don't care if it was Calvin Harris available or if your fiancé is the world's biggest music fan, if you already said yes to a DJ, I think you should have paid him the full amount for being flakes and backing out.

Think about it this way, if you had said yes to him officially and were in the process of signing a contract, then he turns around and says 'sorry, just booked another wedding' you would be frustrated and upset (and you weren't even the one losing business).  Especially as there was an established relationship with your uncle. If you can throw him some business/money as an apology, I believe it might go a long way. Are you planning on doing lights? Or anything else this guy can manage? 

It's easy to get caught up in planning, but try to only commit if you actually are able to commit and stick to it. 

ETA: I definitely agree with @Jen4948 Your fiancé kinda sounds like a jerk in this situation. You really need to discuss both of your behaviour, and also assess why you just went along with it, rather than saying no. And how cool your fiancé is with leaving you high and dry... 

Lisa and Jen are right you know!  It is pretty shi**y what you did...  

That said - it's also why in business "Unless there's a contract, you aren't booked!".  "Ye who signs contract first gets my services!", I don't care if someone seems like they'd be amazing to work with vs. someone else on the same date, the one who gets me the deposit and the contract first is who I'm performing for, that's also from being jaded by people hot to book then no contract return...  And people wonder why some vendors hate dealing with brides - it's because of situations like this!  We had a DJ we signed a contract with for our wedding pull out in an elaborate lie before our wedding because they wrote down the wrong date in their book for the another couple who signed their contract before ours.  The problem was the contract had nothing of a cancellation policy because they'd never had the issue before, did I mention, that was less than two weeks BEFORE our wedding, and ultimately, we were the ones who lost...  If music was so important to your FI you both should have solidified this detail as one of your first vendors possibly even before your dress. 

As others pointed out, you've got something to think about for marriage planning that comes out of this (you aren't just planning the wedding right now, you're planning the marriage!  It's why in general for all couples it's recommended to do some marriage planning courses or sessions).  

short+sassy

MesmrEwe said:

Lisa and Jen are right you know!  It is pretty shi**y what you did...  

That said - it's also why in business "Unless there's a contract, you aren't booked!".  "Ye who signs contract first gets my services!", I don't care if someone seems like they'd be amazing to work with vs. someone else on the same date, the one who gets me the deposit and the contract first is who I'm performing for, that's also from being jaded by people hot to book then no contract return...  And people wonder why some vendors hate dealing with brides - it's because of situations like this!  We had a DJ we signed a contract with for our wedding pull out in an elaborate lie before our wedding because they wrote down the wrong date in their book for the another couple who signed their contract before ours.  The problem was the contract had nothing of a cancellation policy because they'd never had the issue before, did I mention, that was less than two weeks BEFORE our wedding, and ultimately, we were the ones who lost...  If music was so important to your FI you both should have solidified this detail as one of your first vendors possibly even before your dress. 

As others pointed out, you've got something to think about for marriage planning that comes out of this (you aren't just planning the wedding right now, you're planning the marriage!  It's why in general for all couples it's recommended to do some marriage planning courses or sessions).  

Absolutely, 1,000%.  Owning rentals, I run into this all the time when I have a vacancy.  People will gush and gush about how much they want the place.  Sometimes even asking me to take it off the market while they do (insert excuses).  And I will tell interested candidates that the unit goes to the first person who 1) turns in an application that is approved and 2) signs the lease AND turns over the non-refundable holding deposit (turns into a security deposit at move-in).  Nothing gets taken off the market until then.  Words are meaningless to me.

That policy has really saved me a few times!

I'll assume the DJ won't make that mistake in the future.  If I had been that guy, I would have called you all the second I had another potential booking for that date and gotten a signed contract and non-refundable deposit.  Though, like I said in my first post, I'm not so sure he had another booking anyway.  Possible.  But it wouldn't be my bet.