Wedding Woes

My daughter is using me as emergency daycare

Dear Prudence,

My daughter is in her 40s and just had a baby by herself. She’s finding it difficult to adjust to single motherhood and keeps pushing more of the responsibility on me. I am 70, and caring for an infant more than a few hours at a time is difficult for me. My daughter has a nanny in the mornings and early afternoons, but if she has to work late, she calls me to come over without advance notice, sometimes four days in a week. On weekends, she drops her daughter off with no warning and gets angry if I am out of the house.

A decade ago I used to watch my son’s stepchildren after school. My daughter recently complained at a family dinner that I spent more time with her brother’s children and that they “weren’t really his,” which really upset him. She refuses to apologize, and her tone with me has become increasingly bitter, but she keeps calling me over. I understand she is under stress, but this can’t go on. How do I get through to her?

—Unpaid Child Care Worker


Re: My daughter is using me as emergency daycare

  • Daughter is way out of line, on so many fronts. Look, she's not too old to learn a lesson here, mom. When she asks/drops by/demands you watch the baby, tell her no. Tell her if she needs child care she needs to make arrangements ahead of time. And FFS tell her she was hurtful to her nieces and nephews. 

    The daughter is clearly wrong here, but LW needs to use her words and stop letting the daughter walk all over her. 

  • I sort of wonder if daughter had always been an entitled brat. If not, she might be suffering from PPD or PPA and it's causing her to unreasonably lash out at family. If mom and daughter have a good relationship, she could encourage her to talk to her OB/a therapist also.
    This was my first thought reading this letter.  If this is not normal behavior for the daughter, this may need to be explored.  The way mom lays it out, daughter cannot handle being/does not want to be alone with the baby.  

    If she's an entitled shit, then mom needs to stop enabling.  
  • When I started school, my nana was the back-up babysitter for me but she offered {my mum didn't drive and this was before cell phones, so my dad wasn't ever available to reach since he was all over the city}


    LW's daughter needs to tell her no. Doesn't matter what she did for her son's stepkids - although I get where daughter might find it unfair, I disagree but I get it - she needs to have a serious chat with daughter.
  • Mom and daughter need to have a chat.    I have to wonder if daughter is entitled or just not getting it. 
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited February 2018
    When I started school, my nana was the back-up babysitter for me but she offered {my mum didn't drive and this was before cell phones, so my dad wasn't ever available to reach since he was all over the city}


    LW's daughter needs to tell her no. Doesn't matter what she did for her son's stepkids - although I get where daughter might find it unfair, I disagree but I get it - she needs to have a serious chat with daughter.
    Different kids need different things.

    My sister's MIL is dealing with this now. My sister and her H planned on having a baby, they both have good jobs and can afford childcare. His brother and his GF had a son a few months after my goddaughter was born, he was a surprise; she has a great job, him less so. So my sister's MIL has been helping them out a ton more. But she feels bad because she helps out sister less (sister would like the help, too, but doesn't need it the same way he does). Different circumstances= different needs. Equality isn't equity. 
    Yup. My parents moved in with my sister when my BIL was deployed because she works 45+ min from her house and logistically, it was really hard for her to get both kids to/from school and daycare.  Her kids were 9 and 1.

    My kids are 6 and 17 and I WAH.  My parents would not offer to move in with me if MrConn had been deployed. However, I bet money they'd want to do dinner with us at least once a week...and that would be enough for me. 
  • When I started school, my nana was the back-up babysitter for me but she offered {my mum didn't drive and this was before cell phones, so my dad wasn't ever available to reach since he was all over the city}


    LW's daughter needs to tell her no. Doesn't matter what she did for her son's stepkids - although I get where daughter might find it unfair, I disagree but I get it - she needs to have a serious chat with daughter.
    Different kids need different things.

    My sister's MIL is dealing with this now. My sister and her H planned on having a baby, they both have good jobs and can afford childcare. His brother and his GF had a son a few months after my goddaughter was born, he was a surprise; she has a great job, him less so. So my sister's MIL has been helping them out a ton more. But she feels bad because she helps out sister less (sister would like the help, too, but doesn't need it the same way he does). Different circumstances= different needs. Equality isn't equity. 

    Also LW doesn't really go into any reasoning why she opted to watch son's stepkids, could be a similar situation like with your goddaughter.
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My daughter is in her 40s and just had a baby by herself. She’s finding it difficult to adjust to single motherhood and keeps pushing more of the responsibility on me. I am 70, and caring for an infant more than a few hours at a time is difficult for me. My daughter has a nanny in the mornings and early afternoons, but if she has to work late, she calls me to come over without advance notice, sometimes four days in a week. On weekends, she drops her daughter off with no warning and gets angry if I am out of the house.

    A decade ago I used to watch my son’s stepchildren after school. My daughter recently complained at a family dinner that I spent more time with her brother’s children and that they “weren’t really his,” which really upset him. She refuses to apologize, and her tone with me has become increasingly bitter, but she keeps calling me over. I understand she is under stress, but this can’t go on. How do I get through to her?

    —Unpaid Child Care Worker


    This is the sentence that really got me!!! 

    So the daughter swings by, I'm assuming without even calling ahead, and is mad that her mom doesn't stay home 24/7 waiting at all times, jic, for the grandbaby to possibly be dropped off.  WTF.

    Like many of you have said, the LW needs to set boundaries and STICK to them.  She needs to have a discussion with her daughter that just because she is the grandma, doesn't mean she can constantly be used for childcare.

    Yeah, I want to know about their dynamic previous to the baby and/or conversations they had leading up to her daughter giving birth.  Because I would never expect a soul to just be there at my beck and call to help me with my kids, except for DH, of course.  
  • When I started school, my nana was the back-up babysitter for me but she offered {my mum didn't drive and this was before cell phones, so my dad wasn't ever available to reach since he was all over the city}


    LW's daughter needs to tell her no. Doesn't matter what she did for her son's stepkids - although I get where daughter might find it unfair, I disagree but I get it - she needs to have a serious chat with daughter.
    Different kids need different things.

    My sister's MIL is dealing with this now. My sister and her H planned on having a baby, they both have good jobs and can afford childcare. His brother and his GF had a son a few months after my goddaughter was born, he was a surprise; she has a great job, him less so. So my sister's MIL has been helping them out a ton more. But she feels bad because she helps out sister less (sister would like the help, too, but doesn't need it the same way he does). Different circumstances= different needs. Equality isn't equity. 

    Also LW doesn't really go into any reasoning why she opted to watch son's stepkids, could be a similar situation like with your goddaughter.
    LW said she was 10 years younger so it probably wasn’t as difficult for her.
    This. 10 years ago, I would have been comfortable asking if my grandmother wanted to watch our daughter while I went for a haircut or whatever. Now, no way. My grandma is incapable of doing so safely. She uses a walker and has an extremely hard time getting around. If she fell over, she wouldn't be able to get up. She can't even carry my daughter. Now, that's obviously not the case with this LW, but it could certainly be difficult now in ways it wasn't 10 years ago. 

    What really gets gets me is the "she's angry when I'm not home when she drops them by with no notice."  :o  IDK. I just can't imagine ever doing that to anyone, even my parents. 
  • When I started school, my nana was the back-up babysitter for me but she offered {my mum didn't drive and this was before cell phones, so my dad wasn't ever available to reach since he was all over the city}


    LW's daughter needs to tell her no. Doesn't matter what she did for her son's stepkids - although I get where daughter might find it unfair, I disagree but I get it - she needs to have a serious chat with daughter.
    Different kids need different things.

    My sister's MIL is dealing with this now. My sister and her H planned on having a baby, they both have good jobs and can afford childcare. His brother and his GF had a son a few months after my goddaughter was born, he was a surprise; she has a great job, him less so. So my sister's MIL has been helping them out a ton more. But she feels bad because she helps out sister less (sister would like the help, too, but doesn't need it the same way he does). Different circumstances= different needs. Equality isn't equity. 

    Also LW doesn't really go into any reasoning why she opted to watch son's stepkids, could be a similar situation like with your goddaughter.
    LW said she was 10 years younger so it probably wasn’t as difficult for her.
    It's even hard for my Mom, who is young (almost 63) and healthy. She says she's exhausted after watching an 11 month old for the whole day. It would absolutely have been easier for her 10 years ago. 
  • Yeah - my mom's joints alone have gone through major changes in the last 3 years.

    Who just shows up expecting people to be home?? 
  • I, too, am really curious about the previous dynamic. Motherhood is hard enough with a partner. Single motherhood? That woman may be very overwhelmed and not thinking straight about her actions. 
    ________________________________


  • I could get a one-off request in an emergency, or taking the mother up on a offer to sit, but the daughter is ridiculous here. The LW should tell her no, lather, rinse, repeat.

    Both of my SILs use MIL as daycare all the damn time - especially oSIL. MIL resents it, but she will rarely tell either of them no. She's almost 72, and the added stress and work has landed her in the hospital before. The kids also seem to get her sick every time. The only time i know that she gave them a hard no was when ySIL asked MIL to essentially live at her house during the week to provide daycare for her youngest, and then go home on weekends. ySIL lives nearly 2 hours from MIL, and MIL doesn't drive on highways, so this would have required FIL to drive her back and forth every week. MIL would have had to sleep on the couch or on a cot in their (finished) basement. Instead, ySIL's MIL ended up retiring and watching youngest niece for the first year or two. 

    DK and I were both all sorts of "WTELF?" about it - especially the ySIL situation, because that was a bit out there for her. Any time MIL complains about it to us, we're always like, "you know, you can always tell them no." We wouldn't use the family for childcare unless they offered, or it was a one-off situation that was discussed in advance. (e.g. when we visit, they might watch Wolverine one night so we can have a date night. only other situation was when my parents house and kid-sat for us so we could take a vacation - in this case, they offered to watch Wolverine, we paid for their airfare to TX, they had full use of our house and cars while we were gone, and this has only been 2x in 7+ years.)

  • Time for "Open the lines of communication" 70 is different from 60 and taking care of an infant, but also, "WHOA WHOA WHOA" on the whole step-child aspect that daughter needs a "Come to Jesus" on. 

    This is why new Moms need more support, especially in this country, with the transition to being a new Mom.  PPA/PPD/There is no normal right now overwhelmed and don't have that network to call upon to ask "is this normal?!?!" new parent (doesn't need a diagnosis, just a WTF - they handed me an infant and said "good luck!" and just trying to figure this stuff out).  The GM needs to set her boundaries about the emergency backup calls, it's one thing to get some notice ahead of time to prepare, it's another when this becomes a "fire call" (you've got minutes to stop what you're doing and get there), the same goes for the weekend drop-offs, there needs to be a boundary schedule.   The Mom may need to move away from having a Nanny and instead use a daycare that has later hours (ours went from 6A to 6P) that there is a routine that if she works late, she's still able to pick up the child on time or she has a fee/penalty for working late that the Nanny gets paid that is mutually agreed upon.  But it's still time for GM to have the "Come to Jesus" conversation of her boundaries!
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