Wedding Woes

FMIL insists I wear her wedding dress

lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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edited February 26 in Wedding Woes
This was in the Dear Prudence chat today. Enjoy!

Q. Wedding dress feud: I am getting married in a just a few short months. Everything has been going wonderfully, the only snag in the whole proceedings has been the wedding dress. I found a perfect dress six months ago. My fiancé’s mother found the perfect dress for me as well: her old one that she got married in. I politely told her that I appreciated the possible heirloom but had found my own dress. I figured that would be the end of it and that she would give it to one of her daughters. Apparently, that was not the end of it. She was so hurt over my choice that she told my fiancé that she wanted nothing to do with the wedding and has not helped since! Fast-forward to now, she has been calling me every single day. Thirty to 50 times a day. Begging me to wear her dress and end the feud. She says she won’t stop until I agree.

I am at my wits’ end. My fiancé is no help. He says that I should just wear the dress for the ceremony and then change into my own dress for pictures at the end. Prudie, I need help!


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Re: FMIL insists I wear her wedding dress

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    I would block FMIL.  She is insane!  While LW has a HUGE FI problem in thinking LW should just wear the dress for the ceremony, I feel like LW should reach out to anyone else in FI's family to help curtail FMIL.  Is she truly calling 30-50 times per day?  She is having a mental break and needs help.  Can LW call FFIL, a aunt, sister, cousin - SOMEONE who will at least get FMIL to STOP calling???
    charlotte989875sparklepants41ahoyweddingeileenrob
  • I would block FMIL.  She is insane!  While LW has a HUGE FI problem in thinking LW should just wear the dress for the ceremony, I feel like LW should reach out to anyone else in FI's family to help curtail FMIL.  Is she truly calling 30-50 times per day?  She is having a mental break and needs help.  Can LW call FFIL, a aunt, sister, cousin - SOMEONE who will at least get FMIL to STOP calling???

    This was exactly my first thought.

    Oh, LW.  You are in for a bumpy ride if you and mainly YOUR FI, don't rein this s**t in NOW.

    They need to have a sit-down, Come to Jesus discussion with this woman.  That now and in the future, her number will be blocked and contact will be limited if she starts acting like a STALKER.

    Seriously.  If anyone else was doing this to the LW, the police would have been called and a restraining order placed.

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    sparklepants41OliveOilsMomahoyweddingeileenrob
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    Ignoring everything else about the fiancé not telling his mom to chill out and that it's not her decision, I find his suggestion that she wear the FMIL's dress for the ceremony and her own for pictures later ridiculous. 

    Dozens of photos, I'd argue the most important ones, are taken during the ceremony. The photo of my dad walking me down the aisle. The photo of our first kiss. My current phone background, which has been the same since we got married five years ago, is my favorite wedding photo of them all. It's H and I looking at each other right after we were pronounced man and wife right before we headed back down the aisle. 

    Even if she decided to give in just for the ceremony, it's not like there won't be any photos taken in the dress. 

    short+sassyOliveOilsMomSP29ahoywedding
  • GBCKGBCK
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
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    her MIL's dress was TOTALLY requested just for a 'trash the dress' photog. session, no?
    OliveOilsMomahoyweddingthisismynickname2ShesSoCold
  • This isn't going to be the last time FMIL tries to control LW's life, and it won't be the last time the FI lets her do it. LW needs to get out of this engagement, and she needs to get out NOW.
    image
    charlotte989875SP29
  • Agreed with all others, run far, far away and never ever come back. He's never going to stand up to his mother and will allow her crazy to continue interfering with their lives. 

    LW needs to think about the MAJOR decisions or life events that will become the center of FMIL's fuckery.  Buying a house, having a kid (or kids), jobs, relocation, health problems, etc.  If she's this insane over a dress, imagine if you don't buy a house where she wants them or name their kid the name she wants.  She'd be the type to call the kid by the name she wanted, fuck the LW and her H's choice.  This is perfect storm for LW to either be miserable or end up divorced. 
    OliveOilsMomahoyweddingthisismynickname2
  • Good news LW!   This is the least of your problems.

    Bad news:   This is the LEAST of your problems. 

    Your FI is a spineless mama's boy and needs to stand up for you.  It's what you're wearing!   

    Run, don't walk away from all of this.  Until the FI is aware that your FMIL has no business dictating what you wear and actively takes part in standing up for you, there should be no wedding, no invitations and no fiance.
    mrsconn23sparklepants41OliveOilsMomahoywedding
  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited February 27
    Stupid double post
  • In just a few words, it's obvious that mother has gotten what she wants from people by acting like the most annoying fucking person on the planet. And it's obvious that her son's approach is "let do/get whatever she wants." 

    Yea, no. How does LW think holidays are going to work? Vacations? Who's going to be in the delivery room? What house they're going to buy? Can they move out of town? I mean, Jesus. Home girl is obviously psycho and it's worked for her. No better time than the present to shut it down.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    charlotte989875sparklepants41levioosaahoywedding
  • GBCK said:
    her MIL's dress was TOTALLY requested just for a 'trash the dress' photog. session, no?
    OMG yes this! "Sure MIL I would love to wear your dress for a photo session...the day after the wedding...when I jump in a mud puddle...with scissors." 
    charlotte989875thisismynickname2kimmiinthemitten
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
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    You know what's really sad? There's a young woman in my moms' group who is now getting divorced due to her MIL's control over her soon-to-be-ex.  Dude totally thought it was normal for his mom to meddle in their affairs, and kowtowed to her. Once this woman stood up to her MIL, MIL decided she hated her, and basically poisoned her son against his wife. This shit is real, and LW needs to run if her fiance won't stand up to his mother. 
    ________________________________


    MesmrEwe
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    And I thought my MIL was bad!  Whew.
    image
    ShesSoColdMesmrEwe
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    This reminds me of "The Proposal" where Betty White is the kooky FGMIL who wants Sandra Bullock to wear her wedding gown.  

    So, if she's marrying Ryan Reynolds and does this with FMIL, I guess it could work out ....





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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
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    You know what's really sad? There's a young woman in my moms' group who is now getting divorced due to her MIL's control over her soon-to-be-ex.  Dude totally thought it was normal for his mom to meddle in their affairs, and kowtowed to her. Once this woman stood up to her MIL, MIL decided she hated her, and basically poisoned her son against his wife. This shit is real, and LW needs to run if her fiance won't stand up to his mother. 
    It's so sad to me when parents do things like this....because it's not about their kid or the kid's happiness at all. It's always about them and their need to be #1 in their kid's life. It's the opposite of unconditional love and a huge disservice to the kid.
    Goodness yes. 

    YOUR. CHILDREN. ARE. NOT. YOURS. They are a gift for you to take care of for 18 years. 

  • OSIL thought that she could get her mama's boy exH to listen to her instead of his crazy mother. Their divorce was finalized about a year ago, after nearly 2 years of drama (the divorce proceedings.) They filed for divorce about 10 years and 3 kids in. OSIL's exMIL would call 10x/day for exH - if he didn't answer his cell, she called their house. She stole household items from them, returned nephew's unworn Halloween costume and pocketed the money, and she is an animal hoarder so her house is disgusting and everything reeks of cat pee. At the end of the marriage, OSIL realized that $40K was missing out of their bank account, and with digging found out that over $100K was unaccounted for over the past year or two. exH wouldn't say what happened with the money, but we're pretty sure he was giving it to his mom. 
    (To be fair, OSIL is no prize, herself.) 
    I'm surprised they even made it the 10 years. 
    We only met the exMIL at their rehearsal dinner and wedding, and were all kinds of "WTF?!" about why OSIL would want to marry into that situation. exMIL spent the rehearsal dinner cursing out anyone who ordered drinks (including her ~30yo son), in Polish, and then bitched about getting a bar bill.  

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    And I thought my MIL was bad!  Whew.

    RIGHT?! This and some of these stories here make me thankful! Also thankful for my H because I could see my MIL getting pretty bad with stuff like that had he not nipped it in the bud years ago.
    image
  • THIS WOMAN HAS DAUGHTERS AND SHE IS HARASSING LW!!

    What the fuck.
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  • THIS WOMAN HAS DAUGHTERS AND SHE IS HARASSING LW!!

    What the fuck.


    I caught that also.  I wonder if the FMIL expects everyone to wear her dress.

    If she is this off the deep end with her FDIL, I can't imagine the hell she is going to have in store for her own daughters (shudder).

    There was a cute show that was on years ago.  I think it only ran for a season or two, which was a shame because I thought it was great.  The premise was, a relative (usually the woman's mom, but not always) wanted an engaged woman to wear her wedding dress, but the engaged woman had other ideas for the style she wanted.

    The woman gave the show ideas for what she wanted her wedding dress to look like.  Half the show was a professional seamstress working with the family for turning the "old" dress into something more akin to the bride's style.  And the other half was the woman working with a designer to find new dresses she would like.

    The end of the show had the bride coming out wearing her "dream" new dress.  And then going back to the fitting room to come back out wearing the re-designed "old" dress.  Then she, with the help of her entourage, would decide on which dress would be the "one".

    I liked that the show was kept more on the sweet and sentimental side.  Maybe there was "fighting and drama" off-air, but that wasn't the "vibe" for the show.  It was actually really refreshing, considering how most reality shows are.  I was constantly AMAZED at what the seamstress was able to do with the "old" wedding dresses.  She had a real knack for keeping the lovely and timeless elements...even for dresses that were super dated and didn't seem to have any redeeming qualities, lol...and turn them into beautiful dresses that were more in line with the bride's style. 

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    STARMOON44
  • THIS WOMAN HAS DAUGHTERS AND SHE IS HARASSING LW!!

    What the fuck.


    I caught that also.  I wonder if the FMIL expects everyone to wear her dress.

    If she is this off the deep end with her FDIL, I can't imagine the hell she is going to have in store for her own daughters (shudder).

    There was a cute show that was on years ago.  I think it only ran for a season or two, which was a shame because I thought it was great.  The premise was, a relative (usually the woman's mom, but not always) wanted an engaged woman to wear her wedding dress, but the engaged woman had other ideas for the style she wanted.

    The woman gave the show ideas for what she wanted her wedding dress to look like.  Half the show was a professional seamstress working with the family for turning the "old" dress into something more akin to the bride's style.  And the other half was the woman working with a designer to find new dresses she would like.

    The end of the show had the bride coming out wearing her "dream" new dress.  And then going back to the fitting room to come back out wearing the re-designed "old" dress.  Then she, with the help of her entourage, would decide on which dress would be the "one".

    I liked that the show was kept more on the sweet and sentimental side.  Maybe there was "fighting and drama" off-air, but that wasn't the "vibe" for the show.  It was actually really refreshing, considering how most reality shows are.  I was constantly AMAZED at what the seamstress was able to do with the "old" wedding dresses.  She had a real knack for keeping the lovely and timeless elements...even for dresses that were super dated and didn't seem to have any redeeming qualities, lol...and turn them into beautiful dresses that were more in line with the bride's style. 

    It's an interesting idea for sure.
    Although my dress, and my mum's wedding dress {which she borrowed} were completely different styles so idk how that could have worked for us Hmmm
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    short+sassy
  • And I thought my MIL was bad!  Whew.
    If you haven't already and ever want to feel good about your life and situation, check out /r/justnoMIL on reddit. It's packed to the brim with stories like this and worse. There's also some people who are the problem and want to blame others and some made up stories, but damn it makes me feel good about my life when I read their tales of woe.
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