Three nights ago, I got extremely intoxicated while out with a friend and texted my husband to tell him I was crashing at her house. We spend the night playing video games with her boyfriend, their roommate, and his friend “Jack.” I eventually fell asleep and I woke up to Jack asking me if I wanted him to stop. I can only piece together small bits of what happened from then on but we certainly had sex. I feel disgusting. I have spent the past few days pretending it didn’t happen but it is slowly seeping back and I don’t know what to do. I want to tell my husband but I am terrified he will never forgive me and our lives will crumble. (We have a toddler together.)
I have conflicting emotions about what happened because while I know I put myself in that position, I’m not sure what I did to make Jack think this was OK. I had never met Jack before that night and I hope I never see him again. I am feeling too embarrassed and guilty to even tell my therapist. While I have struggled with depression my whole life and it has improved greatly over the past year or so, I am contemplating just ending it. I don’t know how I can exist after hurting the people I love most in this world.
—How to Tell Him