Wedding Woes

Ignore younger sister and do what's best for mom.

Dear Prudence,

My sister lost her husband last year and our mother had a heart attack and nearly died. We all live far away. My sister has offered to move in with our mother but asked that she get the house and land when our mother passes. She will have to quit her job to move and may not be able to find work in our mother’s tiny rural town. I don’t see a problem with this.

Our much younger sister does. She threw a fit about our sister trying to “steal” her inheritance. She is the only one of us who got financial help from our parents when she went to college and our father bailed her idiot husband out of his failing business a decade ago. She also does not want to pay for someone to take care of our mother. She is putting incredible guilt on our mother. My sister refuses to sell her house and quit her job unless she has a guarantee. I am trying to mediate this all three states away. What the hell can I do?

—Moving

Re: Ignore younger sister and do what's best for mom.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My sister lost her husband last year and our mother had a heart attack and nearly died. We all live far away. My sister has offered to move in with our mother but asked that she get the house and land when our mother passes. She will have to quit her job to move and may not be able to find work in our mother’s tiny rural town. I don’t see a problem with this.

    Our much younger sister does. She threw a fit about our sister trying to “steal” her inheritance. She is the only one of us who got financial help from our parents when she went to college and our father bailed her idiot husband out of his failing business a decade ago. She also does not want to pay for someone to take care of our mother. She is putting incredible guilt on our mother. My sister refuses to sell her house and quit her job unless she has a guarantee. I am trying to mediate this all three states away. What the hell can I do?

    —Moving

    Tell younger sister to shut up, stop complaining about something that isn't owed to her and move on.

    FWIW, a request like this led to my father not talking to his middle brother.     In that case the delusional brother believed he was my grandmother's caretaker and often left her in the home with no food and no one to help grandma to the bathroom.   When he asked that the house be put in his name my father flipped his shit.

    They have hardly spoken in 20 years.   So if I was the LW, I would do what's right to her but I wouldn't hold my breath that the sister with entitlement issues feels OK with anything.

    Beyond that, sister w/ entitlement issues should understand that should mom need care, what is her solution?  Many people sell their houses and the money i used for care until Title 19 kicks in.
    charlotte989875short+sassyeileenrob
  • I can almost never believe it when siblings start arguing over entitlements before someone even passes. And worse, when that person is medically or otherwise struggling. 

    Your youngest sister is a brat. Every time she brings up "fairness", she should be reminded that she is not entitled to anything other than what she reaps for herself. Although, if she'd like to, she's welcome to quit her job, uproot her life, and move across the country to live with her mother and help out. Then maybe split the sale of the house when mother dies. Until then, she can STFU.
    Unfortunately I watched my dad go through this (I'm going to be diplomatic and say my uncle is weird).   Uncle isn't responsible so there was NO way dad was signing over his 1/3 of the house.

    And I saw this with MIL and her sister.   MIL's sister had a house purchased for her by MIL's dad.   MIL's niece (sister's daughter) had a house purchased for HER by MIL's dad.   Niece went into foreclosure (mortgaged against the bought and paid for house) and MIL's sister up and moved to FL and purchased a mobile home which was a depreciating asset.     MIL's sister always had a hand out and now that the two parents are gone sister doesn't give a shit.     The first day I met the sister I knew she was an AW who wasn't capable of being responsible.   She just liked to be in the middle. 

    Too many people want something for nothing and fail to understand that isn't how life works.   The problem is, for them, that IS how life has worked because no one ever told them no. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    Younger sister sucks. 

    My best friend’s mom had a situation like this. Except it worked out well. The grandfather was a horrible person. Older sister moved in and became sole care taker. Younger sister (my friend’s mom) had nothing to do with any of it. He passed away last year and she told the older sister, “you get the house, the money, whatever is inside, all of it. I didn’t do anything to help with him, it was all you, so you deserve it.” That’s the mature thing to do. 


    image
    OliveOilsMomeileenrob
  • To play devil's advocate, it would a bit dependent on the value of the house and land...and how long mom ended up living...as to what I would consider "fair".

    For example, if the daughter takes care of her mom for years, that sounds like a God send for everyone and she should definitely inherit the property.  But if the mom dies within the first year, maybe it wouldn't be too fair for the other heirs.

    Sounds like the younger sis is going to be unreasonable, no matter how it is sliced.  But perhaps a compromise of sister receiving X% of the house depending on number of years she care takes.  With the first year's percentage being a heftier one, because of her selling her house and quitting her job.   

    With all that said, since the mom lives in a small and rural community, my guess is that we are not talking about valuable real estate anyway.  And we are back to it's a GIFT!!!! that one of the sisters is willing to make this sacrifice.

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    charlotte989875eileenrob
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