Ask the couple what they want and then respect that.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My son recently became engaged to “Mary,” a girl my whole family thoroughly likes. I haven’t met her parents, but I know they make a modest living. My son told me they plan to have a small wedding at her parents’ church, with a cake and hors d’oeuvres reception afterward. Frankly, it sounds lovely. We are rich, and my three daughters all wanted and received elaborate, expensive weddings. Now they are telling me that it’s “not fair” that Mary doesn’t get the same and want me to offer to pay for it. I can afford it and wouldn’t mind, but surely she and her parents would be offended. My daughters say I’m too old-fashioned, and anyone would be thrilled to have an expensive wedding paid for by someone else. She’s a sweet girl and what you might think of as low maintenance, and she certainly would never ask. What do you think?

—Pinterest-Perfect Wedding

STARMOON44

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My son recently became engaged to “Mary,” a girl my whole family thoroughly likes. I haven’t met her parents, but I know they make a modest living. My son told me they plan to have a small wedding at her parents’ church, with a cake and hors d’oeuvres reception afterward. Frankly, it sounds lovely. We are rich, and my three daughters all wanted and received elaborate, expensive weddings. Now they are telling me that it’s “not fair” that Mary doesn’t get the same and want me to offer to pay for it. I can afford it and wouldn’t mind, but surely she and her parents would be offended. My daughters say I’m too old-fashioned, and anyone would be thrilled to have an expensive wedding paid for by someone else. She’s a sweet girl and what you might think of as low maintenance, and she certainly would never ask. What do you think?

—Pinterest-Perfect Wedding

Oh god all the eye rolls.  How about you offer your son the same amount of money you gave to your daughters to use for a wedding or however else they want?  You aren’t living in 1910. 

MissKittyDanger

If they don't want the fancy wedding, maybe LW could offer helping somewhere else? Even if it's putting the money in an account and allowing son and 'Mary' to do what they wish {honeymoon? down payment for house?}

That way son has same opportunity as his sisters, but different.

charlotte989875

1) The daughters are ridiculous for thinking everyone wants a big expensive wedding paid for by someone else. 
2) I would hope Mary wouldn't ask her future in-laws to pay, not because she's sweet and low maintenance, but because it's super rude. 
3) If you want to offer them a generous gift of a wedding, or the money you would spend on a wedding, then do so. They might accept, they might not. 

And FFS stop listening to your daughters. They sound awful. 

mrsconn23

IF this LW is so concerned about being 'even Steven' on $$, why not just give them the money they spent on the daughter's weddings and let them decide how to spend it (on the wedding, the honeymoon, a house, to save, to invest)? 

I think it would be a bad look to swoop in and try to change what has already been planned and start throwing money around.  Maybe this type of wedding is traditional to Mary's family.  LW needs to chill, especially since she's not met Mary's parents yet.  And she needs to tell her daughters to STFU (even if their intentions are good, since they all like Mary...road to hell and all that). 

banana468

1) Not everyone wants a big wedding.  Some people just want something quiet and that reflects their personality. 

2) What about offering to the son a wedding gift for them to do with as they choose? 

TrixieJess

charlotte989875 said:

1) The daughters are ridiculous for thinking everyone wants a big expensive wedding paid for by someone else. 
2) I would hope Mary wouldn't ask her future in-laws to pay, not because she's sweet and low maintenance, but because it's super rude. 
3) If you want to offer them a generous gift of a wedding, or the money you would spend on a wedding, then do so. They might accept, they might not. 

And FFS stop listening to your daughters. They sound awful. 

banana468 said:

1) Not everyone wants a big wedding.  Some people just want something quiet and that reflects their personality. 

2) What about offering to the son a wedding gift for them to do with as they choose? 

^^^^ All of this. 

FI and I never wanted a big wedding, our first instinct was to elope and get it over with. Then we realized that our parents would be really upset so we are having a very small, family only wedding. If someone offered us a larger wedding, we would say no. If they offered us just the money, we'd say yes, because well, who wouldn't? 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

1) The daughters are ridiculous for thinking everyone wants a big expensive wedding paid for by someone else. 
2) I would hope Mary wouldn't ask her future in-laws to pay, not because she's sweet and low maintenance, but because it's super rude. 
3) If you want to offer them a generous gift of a wedding, or the money you would spend on a wedding, then do so. They might accept, they might not. 

And FFS stop listening to your daughters. They sound awful. 

That really struck me about the letter also!  That the LW gave an impression it would be normal for a person with a different personality to have done something so rude.  Hmmm...maybe because it seems to have been an obvious expectation of her other children.

With that said, I can understand the LW wanting to be fair.  Like other PPs have suggested, I think the best course of action is for her to sit down with her son and Mary...or even just her son...and say something like, "I'm so excited for your all's wedding!  The plans you all have sound so lovely!  For your sisters' weddings, I spent about $X for each one.  I'd like to gift you all the same amount.  Use it for a honeymoon, a down payment on a house, whatever you all wish."

southernbelle0915

How could you possibly consider treating your children the same even though 3 have vaginas and one has a penis. What to do, what to do!! 

Write them a check for the same amount (or average) you paid for your other children's weddings. Tell them it's a wedding gift and they can use it to pay for a party, for a down payment on a house, or what the hell ever. 

I can't with these ridiculous parents who treat their children differently based on their genitals. 

short+sassy

southernbelle0915 said:

How could you possibly consider treating your children the same even though 3 have vaginas and one has a penis. What to do, what to do!! 

Write them a check for the same amount (or average) you paid for your other children's weddings. Tell them it's a wedding gift and they can use it to pay for a party, for a down payment on a house, or what the hell ever. 

I can't with these ridiculous parents who treat their children differently based on their genitals. 

It IS bizarre!  Yet, you see it all the time.  Even on these boards.  A bride's parents is more likely to pay for and/or pay more for a wedding, than a groom's parents.

I definitely get the impression the LW is firmly entrenched in archaic roles and traditions.

southernbelle0915

short+sassy said:

southernbelle0915 said:

How could you possibly consider treating your children the same even though 3 have vaginas and one has a penis. What to do, what to do!! 

Write them a check for the same amount (or average) you paid for your other children's weddings. Tell them it's a wedding gift and they can use it to pay for a party, for a down payment on a house, or what the hell ever. 

I can't with these ridiculous parents who treat their children differently based on their genitals. 

It IS bizarre!  Yet, you see it all the time.  Even on these boards.  A bride's parents is more likely to pay for and/or pay more for a wedding, than a groom's parents.

I definitely get the impression the LW is firmly entrenched in archaic roles and traditions.

H's parents are like this. They didn't contribute to our wedding but dropped over $75K on his sister's wedding. Because she has a vagina and he has a penis. Literally that is the only reason for the difference.

I think my MIL knows it's ridiculous though because before SIL's wedding, she mentioned to be on MULTIPLE occasions when telling me about wedding plans that she "loves her kids equally and treats them fairly."