Stop going or start paying for your own room.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My parents like to plan (and pay for) big family vacations each year. These trips include me (a 30-year-old woman) and my brother, with whom I’m not especially close. This is nice, since I’m just out of grad school and can’t afford such trips myself. But my parents consistently book one bed for me and my brother to share, sometimes with all four of us in one hotel room in order to save money. This much togetherness, especially having to share a bed with my (tall) brother, causes me a lot of discomfort and anxiety (even though there is no history of abuse to justify such a reaction). For the past few trips I’ve been lucky that there was a couch I could sleep on in the room. Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed? Since I am not paying for any of it, do I have any grounds to raise this issue? Another family trip to visit an elderly relative is approaching, and I am dreading this situation. Should I just accept that discomfort is sometimes simply unavoidable? Try to get out of any future trips until I find a job and can book a room for myself? Dig into my savings in order to book a separate room and preserve my peace of mind?

—Discomfited

ShesSoCold

I'm with you, mrsconn. LW is freaking 30 years old. Grow a backbone (and get a freaking job, but that's a different problem).

banana468

Stop going on the trips.   Tell them that you can't afford your own room and appreciate the gesture but it's not in the cards right now.

Or save up and get your own room at a cheaper hotel.

I stopped sleeping in the same bed as my brother on vacations when I was 10 so there's no way I'd do it at 30.  

STARMOON44

Your parents are generously paying for a vacation. If you don’t like what is offered then pay for your own room. 

short+sassy

I hear what the LW is saying.  I agree it's an odd situation for four adults to share the same hotel room and for her to share a bed with her brother.

But, odd or not, if the parents are footing the entire bill, they 100% dictate what is provided.

LW is sounding a bit too entitled, for my taste.  She is not OWED her own hotel room, ffs.  There are a number of simple solutions:

• LW can book her own room.
• If that isn't in her budget, that's fine.  She can choose not to go.  A trip invite is not a summons.
• She can pack extra pillows and blankets and sleep on the floor of the hotel room.  Or invest in a small blow-up mattress.  Or (I think) most hotels have cots available.

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

• She can pack extra pillows and blankets and sleep on the floor of the hotel room.  Or invest in a small blow-up mattress.  Or (I think) most hotels have cots available.

Most hotels charge a fee for a rollaway bed, but it's MUCH cheaper than the cost of a hotel room. 

charlotte989875

Yes this is weird. No it’s not on your parents to pay for a different arrangement. Book your own room, or don’t go. 

ei34

I’m with the LW on her sentence “Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed?”.  I’m 33 and my brother is 30, and the last time we shared a bed...I don’t even know.  That’s strange to me.  And forget the bed, I wouldn’t even want to be in a hotel room with them all.  The beauty of this is that LW can either get her own room or skip the trips if she can’t afford to.  

MissKittyDanger

Even if LW and brother weren't sharing a bed and only sharing a room, LW may still not be thrilled.

Not that it's a bad thing cuz, you know .... privacy. But like pps said, LW should either not go or get their own room.

ShesSoCold

eileenrob said:

I’m with the LW on her sentence “Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed?”.  I’m 33 and my brother is 30, and the last time we shared a bed...I don’t even know.  That’s strange to me.  And forget the bed, I wouldn’t even want to be in a hotel room with them all.  The beauty of this is that LW can either get her own room or skip the trips if she can’t afford to.  

Oh yeah I agree completely.

My sister and I (30 and 34) are super close and travel together a lot. We try not to, but occasionally we'll share a bed. Even that is uncomfortable for us. I couldn't imagine sleeping with my brother!

I wanted to look for a Christmas Vacation gif with Audrey talking about how sick it is to sleep with her brother. But I didn't want to google anything with "sleeping with brother" in it.

MissKittyDanger

ShesSoCold said:

eileenrob said:

I’m with the LW on her sentence “Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed?”.  I’m 33 and my brother is 30, and the last time we shared a bed...I don’t even know.  That’s strange to me.  And forget the bed, I wouldn’t even want to be in a hotel room with them all.  The beauty of this is that LW can either get her own room or skip the trips if she can’t afford to.  

Oh yeah I agree completely.

My sister and I (30 and 34) are super close and travel together a lot. We try not to, but occasionally we'll share a bed. Even that is uncomfortable for us. I couldn't imagine sleeping with my brother!

I wanted to look for a Christmas Vacation gif with Audrey talking about how sick it is to sleep with her brother. But I didn't want to google anything with "sleeping with brother" in it.

giphy.com might be safe to look {maybe with Christmas Vacation instead of 'sleeping with brother' lmao}

ei34

ShesSoCold said:

eileenrob said:

I’m with the LW on her sentence “Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed?”.  I’m 33 and my brother is 30, and the last time we shared a bed...I don’t even know.  That’s strange to me.  And forget the bed, I wouldn’t even want to be in a hotel room with them all.  The beauty of this is that LW can either get her own room or skip the trips if she can’t afford to.  

Oh yeah I agree completely.

My sister and I (30 and 34) are super close and travel together a lot. We try not to, but occasionally we'll share a bed. Even that is uncomfortable for us. I couldn't imagine sleeping with my brother!

I wanted to look for a Christmas Vacation gif with Audrey talking about how sick it is to sleep with her brother. But I didn't want to google anything with "sleeping with brother" in it.

ShesSoCold said:

eileenrob said:

I’m with the LW on her sentence “Am I right to think it is unusual for my parents to expect adult siblings to share a bed?”.  I’m 33 and my brother is 30, and the last time we shared a bed...I don’t even know.  That’s strange to me.  And forget the bed, I wouldn’t even want to be in a hotel room with them all.  The beauty of this is that LW can either get her own room or skip the trips if she can’t afford to.  

Oh yeah I agree completely.

My sister and I (30 and 34) are super close and travel together a lot. We try not to, but occasionally we'll share a bed. Even that is uncomfortable for us. I couldn't imagine sleeping with my brother!

I wanted to look for a Christmas Vacation gif with Audrey talking about how sick it is to sleep with her brother. But I didn't want to google anything with "sleeping with brother" in it.

Lmao that’d be an..interesting..search!  I also have two sisters and we’ve shared (queen/king) beds in a pinch, but to me it’s not ideal.  LW’s whole story is a little strange.  8-9 years ago my parents, siblings and I flew to San Fran for my coudin’s wedding.  My parents obviously shared a room, my sisters didn’t mind sharing a bed so booked a room w one king sized bed, and my brother and I booked a room w two queens.  I couldn’t have imagined the six of us all in one room like LW describes.

Casadena

Obviously if LW is uncomfortable she just shouldn't go. 

HOWEVER, I think it is so outrageously strange that the parents are comfortable with their grown children sleeping together.  Like, that wouldn't even be a question for my fam that we'd get multiple rooms (or at the very least reserve a room with a pullout couch or cot).  

banana468

Casadena said:

Obviously if LW is uncomfortable she just shouldn't go. 

HOWEVER, I think it is so outrageously strange that the parents are comfortable with their grown children sleeping together.  Like, that wouldn't even be a question for my fam that we'd get multiple rooms (or at the very least reserve a room with a pullout couch or cot).  

Yeah.   It's just weird to me.   I expressed that as something I didn't like in my youth.  

By the time we took family vacations and I was older (maybe 11 or 12) we had two beds for the two kids.  

southernbelle0915

FIRST. WORLD. PROBLEMS.

AmandaKess

ShesSoCold said:

I'm with you, mrsconn. LW is freaking 30 years old. Grow a backbone (and get a freaking job, but that's a different problem).

You're just being rude. She said she was a graduate student. Do you have any idea how expensive and time consuming it is to go to grad school? She probably HAS a job that she's using to PAY FOR SCHOOL.

ShesSoCold

AmandaKess said:

ShesSoCold said:

I'm with you, mrsconn. LW is freaking 30 years old. Grow a backbone (and get a freaking job, but that's a different problem).

You're just being rude. She said she was a graduate student. Do you have any idea how expensive and time consuming it is to go to grad school? She probably HAS a job that she's using to PAY FOR SCHOOL.

Well, LW did say "until I find a job" so that implied to me that she does not currently have one. She also said that she's recently out of school, so I'm assuming the time commitment isn't relevant anymore.

But you are correct - I have no idea what grad school entails, monetarily or otherwise.

Shrug. I might be rude. Either way, though, LW should find some way to not have to sleep with her brother or learn to deal with it if she cannot afford a hotel room, for whatever reason, and wants to go on these trips.

MesmrEwe

LW needs to "become an adult in the non-age sense"...  Saying to her parents "We're adults - it creeps me out to have to sleep in the same bed WITH MY BROTHER, please make sure there's at least bunk beds or separate sleeping arrangements" is a good boundary to put in place IMO because hotels do offer this without much if any added cost or spring for the roll away or camping air mattress if they're driving that she can bring along with her.  It's a good boundary to set because she is 30 after all...

LondonLisa

AmandaKess said:

ShesSoCold said:

I'm with you, mrsconn. LW is freaking 30 years old. Grow a backbone (and get a freaking job, but that's a different problem).

You're just being rude. She said she was a graduate student. Do you have any idea how expensive and time consuming it is to go to grad school? She probably HAS a job that she's using to PAY FOR SCHOOL.

Yes. Yes I do. I was in grad school for 7 years. And she is just out of grad school not in grad school.  So yes, maybe she should hold back until she gets a job and can pay for herself. I totally agree that she either needs to pay for her own room, or not go on the holiday. 

Part of being an adult (and in your 30s, no less!) is recognising you can't make other adults pay for you. You can either accept the gift as it is given or you can decline. If someone says "Let me buy you a sandwich" you can't turn around and say "actually, I want you to buy me a filet mignon". There is no other option to negotiate when someone else is paying the bill. Now THAT is rude!

What do you think the alternative is? Hold her breath and tantrum until her parents buy her her own hotel room?

kimmiinthemitten

MesmrEwe said:

LW needs to "become an adult in the non-age sense"...  Saying to her parents "We're adults - it creeps me out to have to sleep in the same bed WITH MY BROTHER, please make sure there's at least bunk beds or separate sleeping arrangements" is a good boundary to put in place IMO because hotels do offer this without much if any added cost or spring for the roll away or camping air mattress if they're driving that she can bring along with her.  It's a good boundary to set because she is 30 after all...

This is where I'm at.  Has LW told her parents any of this?  If she has, and that's still their terms, then she has many of the options listed above but first and foremost she needs to tell her parents it makes her uncomfortable.  I can't imagine brother is fine with this situation either.

charlotte989875

AmandaKess said:

ShesSoCold said:

I'm with you, mrsconn. LW is freaking 30 years old. Grow a backbone (and get a freaking job, but that's a different problem).

You're just being rude. She said she was a graduate student. Do you have any idea how expensive and time consuming it is to go to grad school? She probably HAS a job that she's using to PAY FOR SCHOOL.

Yes. I was in grad school for 7 years. And during that time I had to turn down events and trips I couldn’t afford. I still have to do that because I have student loans and a mortgage and responsibilities. 

Grad and school is challenging, but it doesn’t absolve you from responsibilities and making tough choices.