Wedding Woes

MOH Woes

Hi Knotties, 

I'm in need of some advice. My wedding is in three weeks and I found out yesterday that my maid of honor is moving a few states away in two weeks. She is still planning to fly back for my wedding, and I don't expect her help on anything the week of the wedding anyhow, so the move itself is not the issue at all. The problem is that she didn't actually tell me herself, I found out via a Facebook post her husband made, which was a bit hurtful. She told me after the fact via text that she's known a few weeks, so it's upsetting that she was not more proactive about reaching out to tell me.

Add to this the fact that over the past 6-9 months or so, I've felt like she has been increasingly de-prioritizing our friendship. Her own wedding was about 3 months ago, so I chalked it up to busyness or stress related to wedding planning. I kept proactively reaching out to chat, ask if she needed any planning help, attempt to get together, etc., hoping that after her wedding things would go back to normal, but they never really did. Any communication we've had, attempts to get together, etc. have been made by me even in the past 3 months after he wedding.

So I guess I'm most upset about the fact that we were previously so close, obviously close enough for me to ask her to be my MOH, but if I were just now choosing my wedding party, I don't know if I'd even have her in it. I'm afraid that her moving is going to be the end of our friendship, because she's not making it a priority even when she's in the same city. Part of me wants to tell her how I feel and my fear that I'm about to lose our friendship for good, but the other part of me feels that the ship is sailed, and that especially in light of the move, trying to rekindle our friendship is a lost cause. 

What would you do? Tell her that I'm hurt or leave it well enough alone? Thanks for the advice.

Re: MOH Woes

  • @MobKaz to clarify, even though he was the one originally thinking about a change of jobs, she actually was the one that sought out a new opportunity. He is keeping his for now and will be working remotely. So, to your point that the news is shocking to her and something she doesn't want, actually she's the one that has initiated moving and is very happy about doing so. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    @MobKaz to clarify, even though he was the one originally thinking about a change of jobs, she actually was the one that sought out a new opportunity. He is keeping his for now and will be working remotely. So, to your point that the news is shocking to her and something she doesn't want, actually she's the one that has initiated moving and is very happy about doing so. 
    Thank you for the clarification.  The remainder of my response will stand.  Your friend has an incredibly full plate.  Adding to her stress level by telling her you have hurt feelings serves no purpose.  

    I would frankly find an opportunity to tell her how much you appreciate her friendship and commitment to the friendship and wedding in spite of her obvious and stressful life priorities.  
    STARMOON44ahoyweddingmissfrodoInLoveInQueens
  • I’d leave it alone for now. She just got married, sounds like she found out about a really big move on pretty short notice, and she’s juggling coming back for you. I think if you say something now it will add tension and not really solve anything. Enjoy the wedding, follow up with her to keep in touch after. 
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • Now's a great day to go get a cupcake and a beverage of your choice, and take a breath...  SO not worth stressing about!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    @downtondiva said, "The reality is that the whole nature of friendship often changes as you get older. Jobs, relationships, and family commitments mean that you just don't have as much time as you used to to hang out or even just to talk. It can definitely be a tough adjustment, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't important to your friends or they aren't important to you. It's been my observation that as you get older, closeness in friendships is less likely to be defined by how often you see or talk to each other and more by how comfortable you are with each other and how much you are able to share with one another. Yes, friends can and do grow apart, but seeing or talking to each other less isn't a guarantee of that."

    110% agree.  Everything has a season.  The 50 year friendship to which I referred in an earlier post is the perfect example.  She moved out of state when we were both young and married.  We visited each other as much as possible.  I started my family, which greatly altered our ability to visit.  My friend did not start a family for several years.  Our interests/financial situations/freedoms became starkly different.  "Back then", long distance calls existed.  Each and every call cost cash money.  Our talking on a regular basis also changed dramatically.  It was not a matter of friendships ending.  It was a matter of life taking precedent, and of friends understanding. We have come full circle once again.  We talk regularly and visit frequently.  As our lives changed over the years, so has our friendship.  It changed.  It did not end
    short+sassyJen4948
  • I guess maybe I should have worded things better in my post, but I definitely don't assume that her move will be the end of our friendship, or that all friendships end when two people don't live close to one another. But, the move sort of comes at a time when there's a fork in the road with our friendship. If she were staying local, things could likely have gone back to the way they once were after she settled into married life, etc., but because she's moving while our relationship already seems to be fading and she's not putting any energy into it, I'm afraid the move will be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. 

    My best friend from Kindergarten (also MOH in my wedding - I have maid/matron) lives across the country, my girlfriends from college (all BM's) live in different parts of the state or country. Despite busy schedules on everyone's ends - job changes, weddings, cross-country moves, pregnancies - I still talk with these women regularly via text, call when we can coordinate schedules, and visit as schedules and finances allow. And it goes both ways.

    I guess the issue is that I've felt as my friendship with my MOH has been very one-sided for quite some time now, and I'm afraid that the move will make that even more true. She's been really bad at keeping in touch when we live literally down the street, so I'm afraid that my attempts to keep the friendship going will not be met when the distance adds a layer of inconvenience. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the thought of possibly losing a friend that at a time meant so much to me, moving aside, ya know? So it's like, do I point out these concerns in hopes that she'll realize how I'm feeling and try harder to meet me in the middle, or do I just let it go and if the friendship fades, oh well.
  • I would try to push aside the concern over the friendship changing and just enjoy being together for your wedding. 

    Like the posters above have said, friendships change. If it does change, be happy for the time you've had and be interested to see where things might go. If in a few months after she has moved you haven't connected, reach out and see what happens. 

    Any pointing out that she has become more distant may result in a wall being built between the two of you and may have the opposite effect that you are looking for. 

    In the meanwhile, strengthen other relationships you have to ensure that you have local friends to support and be supportive of you. 
    short+sassy
  • Let me share a different perspective as someone who up and moved, fairly quickly, last summer. I took a job out of state and had two weeks between offer to start date. Yes, I had been interviewing & visiting the city for a while and I was excited for the move, but until things were official I didn't tell anyone, or make solid plans. So in the two weeks I had to quit my job, pack up my stuff in the house, we had to find a realtor, get the house ready to put on the market, my husband was actively looking for jobs, and we had to make all the moving arrangements. 

    The people we told in person/on the phone were my sister and her H (because I was staying with them for interviews and had to live with them until we found a place to live in the city), my in laws (because we had to store things at their house), my parents, my old job (because I had to resign), two colleagues at my old job, and one really close friend. Everyone else found out either by text message or by a Facebook post. We just really didn't have time. And I'm sure that it hurt a few people (one person in particular),but with everything going on we handled it the best we could. I think we even texted H's sister and brother like a week before we moved. Maybe. I don't really remember. And we're pretty close. 

    So I guess this is to say maybe she just had too much on her plate. I know I did. 

    If you don't want to continue the friendship, that's definitely your choice. But if you do, and you're just hurt right now, I encourage you to give her a little time to do all the things that come with a new marriage and a big move. I promise it will be better if you hold off on telling her how bad you feel until she's settled in and can do something about it. I know if someone had told me how I was dealing with big life changes, right in the thick of it, was wrong I would not have been receptive. 
    downtondivaahoyweddingeileenrobshort+sassy
  • I guess maybe I should have worded things better in my post, but I definitely don't assume that her move will be the end of our friendship, or that all friendships end when two people don't live close to one another. But, the move sort of comes at a time when there's a fork in the road with our friendship. If she were staying local, things could likely have gone back to the way they once were after she settled into married life, etc., but because she's moving while our relationship already seems to be fading and she's not putting any energy into it, I'm afraid the move will be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. 

    My best friend from Kindergarten (also MOH in my wedding - I have maid/matron) lives across the country, my girlfriends from college (all BM's) live in different parts of the state or country. Despite busy schedules on everyone's ends - job changes, weddings, cross-country moves, pregnancies - I still talk with these women regularly via text, call when we can coordinate schedules, and visit as schedules and finances allow. And it goes both ways.

    I guess the issue is that I've felt as my friendship with my MOH has been very one-sided for quite some time now, and I'm afraid that the move will make that even more true. She's been really bad at keeping in touch when we live literally down the street, so I'm afraid that my attempts to keep the friendship going will not be met when the distance adds a layer of inconvenience. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the thought of possibly losing a friend that at a time meant so much to me, moving aside, ya know? So it's like, do I point out these concerns in hopes that she'll realize how I'm feeling and try harder to meet me in the middle, or do I just let it go and if the friendship fades, oh well.
    So, I kind of up and moved halfway across the country several years ago. My friends loosely knew I was looking for jobs out of state, but I had about 3ish weeks to pack up, find a new place and move. I was starting my first "professional" job, moving away from my family, and while I was excited, there were a few moments of panic and "holy crap what did I just do?" I had a lot of long-standing friendships that went through somewhat of an adjustment period and kind of waned a little bit, but now we're almost back where we started (except we can't just meet for dinner on a whim lol). I learned how I best communicate, and that most of my relationships don't NEED regular check-ins. Now, I will say it took both people to keep the friendship going, and I make an effort to try and see as many people as possible when I go back home. I have some friends who have since also moved away from our home state, and we try to get together at least once a year. I have a few friends who've come to visit me as well.

    I also kind understand where your friend is coming from. If she was planning her wedding and then had to look for a new job and plan a long-distance move, it could be easy for her to get stuck in her own head. Immediately after our wedding, I started training for a super intense hike I had scheduled so I didn't have a ton of free time for like over 6 months. I actually reached out to a few friends a couple months ago to apologize for feeling distant and being wrapped up in my own shit. Your friend may come around and realize she had been kind of ignoring her friendships for a while. If you do still want to keep the friendship, I'd suggest keep checking in with her (not only about wedding stuff, which it sounds like you're doing!). You could offer to help her pack or send her off with a silly "care package" for the move. Keep in touch with her once she moves, and giver her some time to settle in and adjust to her new life. 
    charlotte989875STARMOON44short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    If my best friend started acting this way, I'd have a conversation with her. Maybe she just has a lot on her plate.

    I can understand though feeling hurt about not hearing the news directly from her. I'd feel the same. 

    My best friend and I have been friends for 24 years (since HS). I've mostly remained in NY, but she's live in CA, and overseas. We've remained close through all the times he's lived far away, but because we both put in the effort. 

  • I am literally in the same boat as you! I chose my MOH as I thought it would mean the world to her even though by friend who lives in another state would have been much more organized. My wedding is in 22 days and my MOH did not come to any of my dress appointments, did not come to my shower, did not come to my bachelorette party, and still has not paid me for her bridesmaid's dress. I am starting to wonder if she will even come to the wedding! It's sad as she was my best friend and now I don't even know if we will talk after the wedding. 

    My best advice to you would be to talk to her, but also to just focus on your big day. I am lucky enough, as I am sure you are, to have others supporting me through everything and I know I can rely on them. This is your day and you do not want anyone to ruin it for you, even your MOH.

    Congrats and I wish you the best of luck!
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I am literally in the same boat as you! I chose my MOH as I thought it would mean the world to her even though by friend who lives in another state would have been much more organized. My wedding is in 22 days and my MOH did not come to any of my dress appointments, did not come to my shower, did not come to my bachelorette party, and still has not paid me for her bridesmaid's dress. I am starting to wonder if she will even come to the wedding! It's sad as she was my best friend and now I don't even know if we will talk after the wedding. 

    My best advice to you would be to talk to her, but also to just focus on your big day. I am lucky enough, as I am sure you are, to have others supporting me through everything and I know I can rely on them. This is your day and you do not want anyone to ruin it for you, even your MOH.

    Congrats and I wish you the best of luck!
    What a gross attitude.

    MissKittyDangerahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • Thanks for the advice, ladies. She and I are grabbing dinner before she leaves, so I think I'm going to just bring things up in a more positive light, like "what are some things you think we both could do to keep the friendship strong long distance?" I definitely don't want to put a strain on things before she leaves/before the wedding, so I'm hoping this will open things up to a positive conversation about what our friendship could look like in the future without dwelling on the past. 
    short+sassyShesSoCold
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