Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to decline help

13

Re: How to decline help

  • Chiming in to say that we did get larger tax returns after marriage, but that's really only because we're both broke af. Higher tax brackets tend to swing the other way, especially if you don't have kids yet.
    image
  • I was told I can claim as head of household because of our status, so that would probably get us a better return. We aren't going on a honeymoon, so after the wedding we can just start to focus on buying a house with our tax refund over the next few years. Plus his parents might help us knowing we could use the help. They know we don't have a lot and they are really generous.
  • I think we are being smart about it all, though, and are planning to ask for a ton of help. I have a friend who is doing the decorations. Another is helping me on the day of to set up the ceremony. I have another friend who will take photos, and my fiance is going to make the appetizers for the light refreshments during the ceremony before the food is served. We also figure that any wedding gifts we get will be used as a down payment on a house so we do plan to be financially stable. I don't see any reason why I can't continue to work. Maybe he can work part time but it's not necessary. My friend also keeps telling me he could get a part time job to pay for things for this wedding, but really anything we pay for would be unnecessary so we would rather just go without.

    After the wedding we plan to move into his parents house anyway so we can focus on buying a house, so our bills are going to go down drastically after the wedding.
  • edited April 2018
    We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.
    The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

    Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

    I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 


                       
  • Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.
     Most of us had no issue with your wedding. I think we’re a little bit more concerned about the vision you have for your life. 


  • I sincerely hope this is a troll. The thing is, they can’t afford to have H not work. If they’re in debt and cashing in pensions, you just can’t afford to be a one income household. 
  • justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.
     Most of us had no issue with your wedding. I think we’re a little bit more concerned about the vision you have for your life. 


    I have an issue, I don't like it when people use their friends as free labor. 
    image
  • We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.
    The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

    Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

    I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 


    Except they aren't really budgeting their income to suit their needs. . .

    OP wiped out her retirement fund to pay off her FI's debt, and she's still paying off his debt while by all accounts he is just choosing not to work.  And they want to add kids into the mix, the number one financial burden.

    This is not a good situation, least of all for their future kids.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.
    The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

    Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

    I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 


    My FI was the SAHP before my son went to kindergarten this year. It was the arrangement that we figured out with my salary and him working casually. The endgame was that he would either go back to work part-full time or back to school for a job he could freelance in. Either way, eventually we will be back to a two income household within 5 years. We have had to tightly budget over the years, but we have savings and retirement funds for both of us. 
  • OK, this has got to be MUD now. 
  • FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

    I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

    But, H might if we had the cash. 
    Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p
    Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 
  • FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

    I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

    But, H might if we had the cash. 
    Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p
    Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

    ***STIB***

    You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

    Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

    (edit for spelling)
    Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 
  • FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

    I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

    But, H might if we had the cash. 
    Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p
    Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

    ***STIB***

    You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

    Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

    (edit for spelling)
    Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 
    I have not! I think I may give that a go. I have never had dark chocolate - but I know I do not like milk chocolate at all but I do love sea salt over iodized...I might be making a grocery run on my lunch hour...  
  • FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

    I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

    But, H might if we had the cash. 
    Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p
    Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

    ***STIB***

    You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

    Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

    (edit for spelling)
    Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 
    I have not! I think I may give that a go. I have never had dark chocolate - but I know I do not like milk chocolate at all but I do love sea salt over iodized...I might be making a grocery run on my lunch hour...  
    Dark chocolate is a whole other animal than milk chocolate. I also recommend dark chocolate with chilis. 
  • MRDCleMRDCle member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Oh dark chocolate all the way.  I have some dark chocolate with espresso squares on my desk right now.  Delicious. 
  • Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

    Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

    Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P
    #truth. 

    The cat and dog have to come to expect a certain lifestyle. They (loudly) voiced their displeasure at the rental apartment we're in after picking up and moving cities. 
  • NBSquared2017NBSquared2017 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2018
    Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

    Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

    Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P
    Okay - I have seen the light. I just picked up some extra dark Lindt chocolate from the store and I have been neglecting my tastebuds for the last 34 years.

    Thank you...thank you all. 

    (edit - spelling is hard)

     
  • Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

    Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

    Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P
    Okay - I have seen the light. I just picked up some extra dark Lindt chocolate from the store and I have been neglecting my tastebuds for the last 34 years.

    Thank you...thank you all. 

    (edit - spelling is hard)

     
    We are here to help. 
  • Yeah, on top of taking money for the wedding now they are asking friends to help? I would be mortified if I wasn't working - when I could - and basically was getting charity. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards