Can't decide on bridesmaids dresses

MobKaz

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks, I'll just pick a dress according to their styles. The search started by casually looking at dresses online and we agreed on pink with lace. Some dresses were all lace, others just had detail. The bridesmaids found this one and I said it was okay (meaning, the style was just okay, not that it was okay to just go ahead and order) and the ordered it on their own. They told me they liked it a lot but I apologized because it's not the look I'm going for, so they said they'll return the dresses but asked me to just pick something. That's where I am right now. I really don't know what to pick for them and it really takes away the fun part when it's just "pick a dress and I will buy it", but I'll do that. I'm not sure what to pick so i guess I'll do some research.

Do you realize there is another "take away" from this dress debacle?  You are making it crystal clear that you are prioritizing a "vision" over your friends. 

There are just way too many cliches/buzzwords/triggers in your posts to make any of this believable.

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks, I'll just pick a dress according to their styles. The search started by casually looking at dresses online and we agreed on pink with lace. Some dresses were all lace, others just had detail. The bridesmaids found this one and I said it was okay (meaning, the style was just okay, not that it was okay to just go ahead and order) and the ordered it on their own. They told me they liked it a lot but I apologized because it's not the look I'm going for, so they said they'll return the dresses but asked me to just pick something. That's where I am right now. I really don't know what to pick for them and it really takes away the fun part when it's just "pick a dress and I will buy it", but I'll do that. I'm not sure what to pick so i guess I'll do some research.

I mean, they're not mind readers. When you said they were "okay" I would have taken that at face value and ordered it too. You should let them keep the dresses. And JFC, it's a dress. It doesn't need to be "fun." You're having a casual backyard wedding. Your FI is wearing khakis and a polo. You said people can hop in the pool for a swim. You're asking them to go out of their way to set up and take pictures. You're asking them to work as free vendors for your wedding. How shitty. Let them pick their own damn dresses. You already said this one was okay. Talk about placing your vision first. 

flantastic

I don't think this was ever fun for your bridesmaids (BM dress shopping almost never is fun for the BMs), so it doesn't need to be super fun for you. Not all wedding planning is supposed to be bond-y and collaborative. Most of it isn't.

What would be fun for everyone is getting to wear the dress they want and already own while they party with you at your wedding. Just check it off your list and move on.

lovesclimbing

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks, I'll just pick a dress according to their styles. The search started by casually looking at dresses online and we agreed on pink with lace. Some dresses were all lace, others just had detail. The bridesmaids found this one and I said it was okay (meaning, the style was just okay, not that it was okay to just go ahead and order) and the ordered it on their own. They told me they liked it a lot but I apologized because it's not the look I'm going for, so they said they'll return the dresses but asked me to just pick something. That's where I am right now. I really don't know what to pick for them and it really takes away the fun part when it's just "pick a dress and I will buy it", but I'll do that. I'm not sure what to pick so i guess I'll do some research.

The other ladies have made good points. 

Here's the deal. You don't even know what you want to pick for them. Why on earth did you have them start picking if you didn't even know what you wanted? How are they supposed to pick something you'll like if you don't even know what you like? You're doing this totally backwards. Seriously, either stick with what they have or refund them for the dresses (or at less return shipping) and have them choose among 4 or 5 options that you select. Don't make them keep browsing for some mythical dress that fits some picture that you don't even have in your head yet. Multiple women looking for one dress that they all agree on is not a 20-minute deal. It's a significant time commitment. 

And don't blame them for ordering the dresses. If you meant to ok just the style and they interpreted it as the dress was ok, then you weren't as clear as you thought were. 

LondonLisa

I feel the bridesmaids “Just pick something” is most likely preceded by a mental “ughhhhhh JFC!”.

You basically said “pick any dress” and when they did you said “ok” but you really meant “not that one”

OP, maybe it’s tine for some critical reflection on your behaviour and if it is alienating to your friends. 

Also, what dress, in your mind, exists for backyard a pool party, polo shirt and trousers, formal gown kind of affair? Because it doesn’t sound as intuitive as you think it is...

artbyallie

If you value your friendships, just let them keep the dresses they have. Otherwise your are going to lose your friends over a fucking dress.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

But they did what you asked.  If you wanted to all go shopping together, you should have done that. Don't put this on them. 

charlotte989875

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

I know shows like SYTTD: Bridesmaids edition makes it seem like BM dress shopping is this great bonding/super fun time that you're supposed have and that they will all be excited to go shopping for dresses. But the reality is much different. People are uncomfortable trying on dresses in front of other people, budgets limit what you can look at, no one is ever going to agree on a dress (different styles, different body types, different tastes), and everyone is trying not to say how uncomfortable they are because they want to make the bride happy. Most people will "be okay with doing this the way [you] were hoping", but you didn't tell them this is what you wanted. You told them to go find something they liked, they did, and they you said no. 

You may not lose friends over this (although I have seen this happen) but it may impact your friendships in the future. 

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

Oh my gosh, you’re planning a giant party. At the end of the day that’s all a wedding with people invited and a reception afterwards really is. You don’t get special treatment or get to treat your friends poorly because you’re “the bride.” The only thing required for them (or anyone really) is show up on time and sober the day of the wedding. They don’t have to plan or pay or help you set up. There’s no such thing as BM duties and every thing does not need to be an “event.” You gave them parameters, they picked a dress WHEN YOU SAID OKAY. Jfc. And it really could have been easy. You’re the one being clear as mud with them and making things difficult. I’d be willing to bet you’re driving them all crazy right now. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I did want to go shopping together, but they are always busy. So we looked online.

[Deleted User]

Honestly, you should be happy that they found a dress that they all like and agree on.  That is the hardest part when you are requiring matching dresses.  I mean, do you dislike this dress enough that it is worth having them return it and using up your time trying to find them a new one?  

charlotte989875

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I did want to go shopping together, but they are always busy. So we looked online.

Sometimes wedding planning and events don't go the way you envision they will. And you can be sad about that. But then think about what matters most; is it all these people shopping together; or is it them being with you, being happy and excited for you on your wedding day? 

Sometimes weddings make us miss what's most important, it's your friendships & relationships, not what people are wearing that counts. 

lovesclimbing

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I did want to go shopping together, but they are always busy. So we looked online.

You're kind of missing the point. There's nothing wrong with wanting to pick out the dress togetherness. But you went about it wrong. That should be obvious because if you had gone about it correctly, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now. 

You really should have had some idea in your head before hand of what you wanted. A better way to do it would have been to ask your bridesmaids to find some options they liked, and then you picked one or picked a few yourself and had them choose. This would be more like what happens if you went to a store. The common thing here is that what you don't do is have them find something and then say no, not good enough and then they have to start all over at square one. The issue is that you're asking for a significant time commitment when you ask them to pick something, they do, you say no not that, and then they have to do it all over again. I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear, but that's not fun. They're not your personal wedding visionaries. 

climbingsingle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

It is. I'm in my late 30s and I've been a bridesmaid in dozens of weddings. I've lost count over how many friendships have ended because of a bride behaving poorly, and treating her friends shitty. You gave them the parameters to find a dress, and they did just that. Your friendships are more important than your vision. 

ahoywedding

I've been a BM in a few weddings, and done dress shopping a few different ways. One wedding, the bride only had a vague idea of what she wanted. There were about 8-10 of us BMs and we all tried on different styles. It was pretty exhausting and took forever and honestly wasn't super fun. I was also in a wedding where the bride had a dress picked out and she just wanted us to try it on. There were only 3 of us in that wedding and that appointment was a little less annoying but it still kind of irked me a little bit that she wasn't going to change her mind anyway. I also hate shopping and I'm uncomfortable trying on clothes in front of pretty much anyone besides my own mom or sisters.

I know TV and movies and Pinterest make bridesmaid dress shopping seem like it's supposed to be a super fun thing that everyone wants to do, but it's not realistic for everyone. Like Charlotte said, reality doesn't always align with our visions. I think you should focus on the fact that your friends chose a dress they all like and will feel comfortable in. At the end of the day, no one will be focusing on the BM dresses, nor will they remember the dresses when they look back at your wedding. I can barely almost remember the colors of the BM dresses from weddings I've gone to. It would be much better to have your nearest and dearest (your BMs) be comfortable, since standing up in the wedding is doing you a favor.

artbyallie

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's that serious that I'm going to lose friends, I was just hoping we could pick something out together. Now I know it's not supposed to be that easy so I'll just pick something myself. There's been so much disappointment with certain aspects of planning, I thought this would be easy, and since I'm the bride I figured the girls would be okay with doing this the way I was hoping. Thanks anyway, I'll figure it out.

I'm saying this from experience. SIL, engaged and planning her wedding in just one month, told me to pick out a light purple, long gown. That's all she said. I found one at a consignment store for $20 and was thrilled because I was fresh out of college and working part time. Sent her a pic to say, "Yay, got it!" and she decided to then pick out a completely different dress because supposedly this lavender dress was not pale enough. She picked a sundress for $60 with a black top and white with purple flowers skirt (all of which, I feel I must note, were darker in color than what I bought). It was not even the price that annoyed me so much, but the fact that I did what she asked (as your BMs have done) and she went and made me buy another dress anyway.

Note that this was seven years ago and I'm still irritated just thinking about it.

And hey, karma got her back... she had already purchased her dress for my wedding (which I did not require, I had just sent out swatches so they could shop on their own schedule) and as it turns out she was 6 months pregnant at my wedding (3 months after hers) and ended up getting a new dress for it. (Which I did not choose and didn't care what she picked as long as it was even a little bit close to the same color, which it was.)

MesmrEwe

After looking at the dress ordered off of Amazon - I've got to be honest, my opinion was "OH HE** no!" that looks like something I'd put over a swimsuit (i.e. in the same category as matching robes for your BM)... THAT SAID - OP, first thing you NEED to do is to own the following statement and stop apologizing for it - "I am picky about how I want my BM/wedding ceremony to look and here is how I am going to fix this..."  YOU personally budget $20-30 each (if you can afford more, great) and purchase something in their respective sizes that you'd like for them to wear instead that fits their and your style.  Then if they'd like to change after the ceremony and pictures let them have at the Amazon dress and you let it go they changed attire.  OR, you let the detail go and the Amazon dress is what they're wearing, plan your flowers accordingly.  

And - you need to recognize that you have a vision for how you want your wedding to be, the problem is you haven't filled in anyone else of what the script is.  People are in general not great at mind reading, if you don't communicate clearly to them what your thoughts/expectations (i.e. parameters for the BM dress - though the ship has sailed), there's no way for them to know what you want.  

MRDCle

MesmrEwe said:

After looking at the dress ordered off of Amazon - I've got to be honest, my opinion was "OH HE** no!" that looks like something I'd put over a swimsuit (i.e. in the same category as matching robes for your BM)... THAT SAID - OP, first thing you NEED to do is to own the following statement and stop apologizing for it - "I am picky about how I want my BM/wedding ceremony to look and here is how I am going to fix this..."  YOU personally budget $20-30 each (if you can afford more, great) and purchase something in their respective sizes that you'd like for them to wear instead that fits their and your style.  Then if they'd like to change after the ceremony and pictures let them have at the Amazon dress and you let it go they changed attire.  OR, you let the detail go and the Amazon dress is what they're wearing, plan your flowers accordingly.  

And - you need to recognize that you have a vision for how you want your wedding to be, the problem is you haven't filled in anyone else of what the script is.  People are in general not great at mind reading, if you don't communicate clearly to them what your thoughts/expectations (i.e. parameters for the BM dress - though the ship has sailed), there's no way for them to know what you want.  

To be fair it is a combo wedding and pool party. 

STARMOON44

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

The problem is that I did give them some guidance, but the dresses they picked just don't seem to go with the look I'm going for. I really did try to like the dresses but I just don't. So they told me to just pick something I like and they will buy it, but I really wanted this to be a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. So now I'm worried if I pick something out that they're not going to like, they won't tell me. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place LOL

No you dont! You want them to wear a dress you like. Just pick one. 

MesmrEwe

MRDCle said:

MesmrEwe said:

After looking at the dress ordered off of Amazon - I've got to be honest, my opinion was "OH HE** no!" that looks like something I'd put over a swimsuit (i.e. in the same category as matching robes for your BM)... THAT SAID - OP, first thing you NEED to do is to own the following statement and stop apologizing for it - "I am picky about how I want my BM/wedding ceremony to look and here is how I am going to fix this..."  YOU personally budget $20-30 each (if you can afford more, great) and purchase something in their respective sizes that you'd like for them to wear instead that fits their and your style.  Then if they'd like to change after the ceremony and pictures let them have at the Amazon dress and you let it go they changed attire.  OR, you let the detail go and the Amazon dress is what they're wearing, plan your flowers accordingly.  

And - you need to recognize that you have a vision for how you want your wedding to be, the problem is you haven't filled in anyone else of what the script is.  People are in general not great at mind reading, if you don't communicate clearly to them what your thoughts/expectations (i.e. parameters for the BM dress - though the ship has sailed), there's no way for them to know what you want.  

To be fair it is a combo wedding and pool party. 

I get that part, and that the bride herself is changing into a swimsuit post-ceremony, but that doesn't negate the "dressing appropriately for the ceremony" aspect.  

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

STARMOON44

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

Just. Pick. A. Dress. They have no interest in shopping with you. You can’t make them. 

MobKaz

All this fuss is over TWO dresses??  Let these woman dress themselves and save yourselves all the hassle and headaches!  It took you HOW long for you to "get them to understand YOUR style for YOUR vision?  Yet you want THEIR input for a dress you've already selected?

They are trying very quickly to get YOU to understand that THEY have NO interest in shopping with you, and most probably, no interest in the dress style you have chosen for THEIR bodies. 

The easiest thing for you to all agree on is to let them do the shopping.  Pick a dress and they will pick it up.

lovesclimbing

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

First bolded, yes, they did make time. They took the time to choose one following your guidelines and now you are throwing all that out and asking them to put in even more time to find something else. 

Second bolded, yes, they did, you just indicated it was fine and now decided you don't like it. 

Look, I wouldn't be too excited about going to try on dresses either if I had already spent time and money finding and buying a dress for your wedding, and then you completely changed course and started all over. 

levioosa

If you continue on this way, I'll be surprised if you have any friends left. 

ahoywedding

They. Don't. Want. To. Go. Shopping. With. You.

That ship sailed when you told them to pick something within your parameters, they did, and you decided you didn't like it. At this point, if I was one of your BMs, I would tell you to just f*cking pick something already and I'll just wear that. It could have been a fun thing to do together if you were clear about your expectations up front, but you weren't, so here we are. Put your friendships above a dress they will wear for one day and let them wear the one they have now. I think you've said you want a laid back, chill wedding, so take your own advice and let this one go.

climbingsingle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

why are you friends with these women, when it seems you don't even like them?

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

FWIW (ignoring the fact that they DO have a dress) my SIL bought her dress for my wedding a week before using Amazon prime. 

MyNameIsNot

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

So I'm able to get the bridesmaids to understand about the style I'm going for, but now it's become a hassle to get them together to go look at dresses. I only have 2 brideamaids, so I would like to get their input since it's their dresses. But I don't drive and they are always busy, so we never can seem to go look at dresses togther. It's become a real problem that they are uninterested in finding a dress we all agree on, and it's like a slap in the face that they both can't seem to make time to go look at dresses with me. Yet whenever they have something to do, like tickets to a concert or want to see deadpool, it seems like that's no problem. I guess now I need to figure.out how to make thet come with me to go dress shopping, because time is going by so fast and they haven't bought a dress. I wish they were as interested in being my bridesmaids as they are with their craft beer cruises and movies.

Why would they be? You are intentionally being a pain in the ass and making this as difficult as possible. Who in their right mind would choose that over something fun like movies and beer? 

Is your goal here to be as difficult as possible, or is it to honor your friends? Because it really seems like you are trying for the former.