Wedding Woes

Let go of him, not your boundaries.

Dear Prudence, 

My live-in boyfriend of almost three years is amazing—when sober. When drunk (about once or twice a month), he’s belligerent, disrespectful, and hurtful. He’s been reconfiguring his life path over the past year after having had most of his goals on the back burner, one of which was getting in shape, and he’s put himself on a strict diet and workout regimen. I’ve been trying to support him but have made some mistakes, like continuing to have cheesy foods around for snacks or insisting on making birthday cakes for him and his family members. He’s been trying to get me to join him on the regimen—I follow it when we’re eating the same meal, but it’s hard to keep track, so occasionally I’ll screw up and make pasta for both of us without thinking about it.

Last night, not for the first time, he turned an innocuous comment I made into a critique of my weight. (He was drunk at the time.) He’s decided that he can’t continue losing weight unless I also lose weight. I let it pass, waited until I was calmer, initiated the conversation about how hurtful that was and how I do not want him to ever discuss my body in a critical way—and he pushed back. Hard. It turned into a huge fight. I don’t regret anything I said but I heavily regret the way I said it, even though I was just constantly reiterating that I do not want him to comment on my body or my weight and that I will continue to support him. I tried to be kind, I tried to be understanding, and two hours in, I snapped and told him that he could either break up with me or stop commenting on my weight. I love this guy with all my heart, and in the morning light I’m feeling like I overreacted, but that’s also not a boundary that I’m willing to let go of. Is that irrational of me, or am I well within bounds?

—Carry That Weight

Re: Let go of him, not your boundaries.

  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    This will not work unless the BF seeks treatment of some kind.

    Also, the LW seems to not understand that this isn't going to change.  The answer isn't to tell HIM to break up with YOU.   YOU need to move on and tell him you deserve better.   
  • DTMF. 

    He doesn't respect you and you deserve better. 
    flantasticshort+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    You didn't overreact. He's being a controlling asshole and totally disrespectful of you.

    Drop this jackass and find someone who treats you with respect. That someone, not this jerk, will deserve your love with all your heart. 
    STARMOON44charlotte989875
  • Ro041Ro041
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Why did she "let it pass" but continue the conversation when her boyfriend was drunk?  I'm no advocate for walking on eggshells around a person, but reasoning with a mean drunk hardly ever works out in the other person's favor.  

    There are a few other things that I think are odd about this whole situation like, what "strict diet" allows a person to over consume alcohol?  If the diet is so strict, how does she make pasta on accident without thinking about it?  If his diet is so strict and he wants to control it, he should be doing the cooking.

    This whole thing sounds very unhealthy.

    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Sounds like you don't need this nonsense in your life.

    "I've made some mistakes, like continuing to have cheesy foods around for snacks" umm they can be your snacks, he doesn't have to eat them.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44mrsconn23eileenrob
  • Mmm 'kay.  So alcohol and "strict diets" don't mix, Mr. DoWhatISayNotWhatIDo.

    Not ONCE did the LW say that she is trying to lose weight.  She said she is largely following the diet with him to make cooking easier.  I'm guessing she is also doing it not to tempt him.  That all sounds super admirable and paints her to be a pretty great person.  But it also doesn't mean that she can't cook the occasional dish that she wants to. 

    LW, let me tell you.  It is hard enough to lose weight when you want to and are trying to.  If you're happy with your weight, he can either respect that, STFU, and love and be attracted to you just the way you are.  Or he can GTFO.

    I know people have different standards, but a mean drunk...especially with emotional abuse...is a deal breaker for me.  Especially if it's happening 1-2x/month.  It's also only been 3 years that they have been together.  The situation could potentially get much worse.  The drinking frequency could increase and/or the abuse might also become physical.

    LW, if your b/f was a bet in Vegas, I'd be running away from that table. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Leave him. NOW. 
    image
    charlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Run, run, run.
    short+sassyeileenrob
  • eileenrobeileenrob
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Makes me so sad for the LW.  You deserve better!!!!
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Sounds like he needs some carbs...  And she needs to lose about 180lbs - of him...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    short+sassyahoywedding
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    MesmrEwe said:
    Sounds like he needs some carbs...  And she needs to lose about 180lbs - of him...
     :D 

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