Dear Prudence,
I am pregnant, and I feel lucky to have a wonderful partner and a comfortable life. However, I don’t know how to make peace with my childhood. My dad was a tyrant who hit us and made us very afraid. No one outside of our home would have guessed that he was abusive, and you wouldn’t know it today. He’s manipulative and controlling but now that he doesn’t have financial power over me, he doesn’t have much leverage, and 95 percent of the time he’s funny and pleasant.
I am paralyzed with fear over the relationship he’ll have with my son. I understand that he’s not going to belt my son like he did to my brother, but he used to just snap. We were physically punished for being too loud, or crying, or spilling something—all the normal things small children do. I am responsible for keeping my child safe, and I’m so scared he’ll do some little thing and my dad will lose it like he used to and hit my son. That would be on me. My issue is how to make peace with my past, especially because my father denies ever hitting us as kids. I don’t know if it’s gaslighting or if he truly doesn’t remember, but it’s hard for me to believe he saw our bruises and our fearful obedience and didn’t know what he did. I also don’t know if he has a mental health issue that made it difficult to deal with children. I want to be compassionate and forgive him, but part of me can’t, and I need to protect my child. My husband is supportive of whatever boundaries I need. How do I sort this out?
—Anxious Mother-to-Be