Bachelorette party drama

abysmom25

OK. I'm the Matron of Honor in my best friend's wedding. I'm planning her bachelorette party and need some help.

She knows what she wants and basically won't budge. On the other hand, I don't have the money or the patience for what she wants to do. FYI, she wants to go to Bourbon Street and hit up the strip clubs and get a hotel room and stay the night. I live in Mississippi and would have to drive to her home (an hour and a half away) to pick her up, then drive to New Orleans (another hour and a half away), book a $500 a night hotel room (her party is during the Essence Festival, so NOLA is going to be packed!), and pay for my and her dinner, entrance fees to the strip clubs and tip money. I, on the other hand, want to stay here on the coast and get a hotel, hire a stripper, have dinner, and go clubbing. I will still go pick her up from her home, but we will come back to the coast.

Is there a way to convince her to do things my way without pissing her off? I love her so much (we've been best friends since 1999) and want her to have what she wants, but I just don't feel comfortable spending that kind of money.

InLoveInQueens

You need to be straight forward "that is not within my budget, I can spend x$ and with that money we can do x or y, but your idea isn't something I can swing" and if she wants to be a pissy baby, now you know how much she values your friendship over a party that you're gracious enough to throw for her. 

missJeanLouise

abysmom25 said:

OK. I'm the Matron of Honor in my best friend's wedding. I'm planning her bachelorette party and need some help.

She knows what she wants and basically won't budge. On the other hand, I don't have the money or the patience for what she wants to do. FYI, she wants to go to Bourbon Street and hit up the strip clubs and get a hotel room and stay the night. I live in Mississippi and would have to drive to her home (an hour and a half away) to pick her up, then drive to New Orleans (another hour and a half away), book a $500 a night hotel room (her party is during the Essence Festival, so NOLA is going to be packed!), and pay for my and her dinner, entrance fees to the strip clubs and tip money. I, on the other hand, want to stay here on the coast and get a hotel, hire a stripper, have dinner, and go clubbing. I will still go pick her up from her home, but we will come back to the coast.

Is there a way to convince her to do things my way without pissing her off? I love her so much (we've been best friends since 1999) and want her to have what she wants, but I just don't feel comfortable spending that kind of money.

Stuck in the box

 Are there others planning on going on this trip or just you two?

Regardless, tell her no. No is not a 4 letter word. No one can force you to spend money if you don’t want to.
It sounds like you are afraid she will throw a temper tantrum if she doesn’t get her way and to that I have to ask, how old is she? 

Jen4948

Tell her directly: "I unfortunately am not able to do a weekend in New Orleans. Here is what I am able to do. If it works for you, let me know and I'll be happy to make arrangements. Otherwise, I will be sorry to miss you."

[Deleted User]

Agree with what everyone else says. Be upfront with her. She can’t fault you for not having a bottomless bank account especially if she doesn’t have enough friends willing to help out. 

ShesSoCold

Yeah, she doesn't get to demand what you do for her as a very generous gift. Depending on how she's already been, since you said she "won't budge", I might already be at the point where I'd say, "Well, friend, I am sorry that I just can't swing it. Perhaps someone else will be able to and I hope you have a great time" and not even try to do anything else.

banana468

Just be honest:  "Here are my suggestions based on what's in my budget."

If she insists on something that continues to be outside your budget I'd probably meet it with a giggle, "Well yeah - that does sound like a fun party.   Who is paying for it?" 

She can't make you spend money you don't have.   

ahoywedding

We have a friend who is already having a "destination" wedding (several hour drive from where we all live). She also wanted a destination bachelorette, and asked one of our other friends to schedule it with only a few months' notice. It wasn't in the budget for everyone, nor did everyone have the vacation time to go. She was REALLY upset that all of us couldn't go, and it kind of changed the way I looked at her. 

I would be up front with your friend and tell her it's just not in your budget. If she pushes back, stay firm. It's poor etiquette for her to make demands for a party someone else is hosting in her honor. What you've suggested sounds just lovely! Who else would be attending the party? Just the two of you? If there will be other guests, you could also get their thoughts and present a united front to her.

short+sassy

Totally agree with the other PPs that no one gets to reach into your wallet.  Not to mention, a bride isn't supposed to be dictating or have much to do with the planning of her bachelorette.  Also, while the other people attending the bachelorette party will often chip in the bride's part for some/all of it, it is actually the bride's responsibility to pay her own expenses.

Especially since she apparently doesn't have any way to transport herself.  I can see where that would be especially difficult for you.  That makes the whole thing a 6-hour round trip for you to pick her up and get to NOLA and back.  And that's without traffic.  There's going to be a lot of traffic on 4th of July weekend.

I actually live in NOLA.  Is there some reason it has to be this weekend?  The summer is the low season here and is typically a cheaper time to come.  Just not a weekend that already has a big event going on.  And not just hotels, entrance fees/food/drink will probably be higher than normal.  Tons of AirBnBs will have vacancies also on other weekends.  They're usually cheaper than hotels and have kitchens, so that every meal doesn't have to be eaten out.

If you'd be okay with the extra driving, I'd give her the choice of MS Gulf Coast this weekend or NOLA on a different weekend.  Because budget $XXX is not doable for this weekend.  Maybe she'll offer to chip in the difference.

short+sassy

I also meant to mention as a funny, do you know where people in NOLA go when they want a destination bachelor/ette party without going too far?  The MS Gulf Coast casinos and clubs, lol :P.

thisismynickname2

I'm sorry you're in a tough situation. What's worse is, if you tell her something's not in your budget, she'll likely judge everything else you spend for the foreseeable future. ("My MOH wouldn't throw me the party I wanted but she just planned a vacation with her husband to the Bahamas. What gives??") 

I hope, once you tell her what she wants isn't feasible, that she is gracious about it. Otherwise she might be showing you some true colors. Good luck. 

holyguacamole79

My grandma used to say "you can want in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up faster."

MesmrEwe

Is it cruel of me to say "Book your room at the Beau early so you get a great gulf-side room at a reasonable price"??  

I agree with the PP in that you NEED to tell her it's not in your budget as well as she needs to figure out her own transportation.  Six hours round trip isn't horrible but that eats into a lot of weekend.  Also, change the date of the Bach party!  If you know that week is going to be super expensive, change the date.