Chit Chat

Changing venues

hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
Thanks for reading.
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Re: Changing venues

  • 2019bride said:
    hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
    Thanks for reading.
    Is the new venue for just the reception or the ceremony too?

    i found this list to be very helpful when looking at venues. 
    https://www.herecomestheguide.com/wedding-party-ideas/detail/questions-to-ask-your-wedding-venue
  • 2019bride2019bride
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    Thank you!!!! We’re hoping we could do the ceremony and reception at a new location we find.
    missJeanLouise
  • Gosh that is so frustrating you're getting the runaround from your venue!

    A good first place to start is asking your new venue about all of the things that have caused issues with your current venue:
    -When can you set up?
    -What areas can you use?
    -What would the cost be if you wanted to also use additional areas?
    -Who will be your main contact person during the planning process?

    And then a few more:
    -How many people can they *comfortably* accommodate? Does this number include guests + vendors + staff? 
    -Do they have chairs/tables/etc or would you need to rent those from outside vendors?
    -What (if anything) will the venue staff be able to help with as far as set up/take down?
    -How many hours are included in your rental? Does that include set up/take down time?
    -Do they have a list of required vendors? Since you're kind of close, I assume you already have caterers, etc lined up & it would be awful to choose a venue they can't work at.
    -What do they have for contingency plans? If any part of the day is outside, do they have a rain plan? 

    I'm guessing by now you guys kind of had a rough idea of how you saw the day going, number of guests, any specific things you'd like to include, etc. It may be helpful to run through this with any potential venue to see how they'd plan to accommodate things.

    You could also ask your other vendors for venue suggestions. Caterers & photographers especially likely have ideas for venues they've worked at that maybe wouldn't be someone's first thought for a wedding. 

    Good luck!

    eileenrobMairePoppy
  • banana468banana468
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    I think you need to get a wedding planning book and then dig in deeper.   Are you stuck on a settled date?  Settled anything?   Can you marry in your faith at the reception venue?  (Ex: you can't do this if you're Catholic and want your wedding to be officiated by a priest and recognized by the church), and what is your budget?

    Then look at your overall guest list - is it still correct?  

    What does the venue include?  Do they recommend other vendors for what they don't?   Have you booked anything else? 

    Are you also feeling connected to THAT parish?  It sounds like your priest is giving you the run around but I'm going to be honest - a lot of your posts also come across as you have a lot of learning to do.   That's great - you seem really open to other communication.   But I think you may want to make sure that you and your FI are doing your research before diving in even if it means postponing the wedding. 
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875OliveOilsMomeileenrob
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    banana468 said:
    I think you need to get a wedding planning book and then dig in deeper.   Are you stuck on a settled date?  Settled anything?   Can you marry in your faith at the reception venue?  (Ex: you can't do this if you're Catholic and want your wedding to be officiated by a priest and recognized by the church), and what is your budget?

    Then look at your overall guest list - is it still correct?  

    What does the venue include?  Do they recommend other vendors for what they don't?   Have you booked anything else? 

    Are you also feeling connected to THAT parish?  It sounds like your priest is giving you the run around but I'm going to be honest - a lot of your posts also come across as you have a lot of learning to do.   That's great - you seem really open to other communication.   But I think you may want to make sure that you and your FI are doing your research before diving in even if it means postponing the wedding. 
    I agree with this, especially the bolded.

    I find it a little odd that you wanted to get married in your church and now you're scrapping that and looking for anywhere with the date open.

    Depending on your religion, there can be some pretty big consequences for not getting married in the church. Were you wanting to use your church because it was convenient or because it was important to you to receive the sacrament of marriage there? 

    I think the first thing you and your fiance need to do is talk about church wedding vs. not. This a huge decision. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875eileenrob
  • banana468banana468
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    2019bride said:
    hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
    Thanks for reading.

    Curiosity question to other Knotties, is this a thing that I'm not aware of?  Because it sounds outrageous.

    It's none of their business if a couple even wants to purchase a home and are saving up for it.  Last I checked, churches don't loan out their money, so it is also none of their business to look at bank statements.  WTF.

    Are they also going to refuse to marry you all if your individual credit scores aren't at least 720?  (Rhetorical snarky question)

    Discussions on handling finances are a key point for premarital counseling.  Money is one of the biggest issues in marriages.  But the pastor/church themselves do not need nitty-gritty details.  I'm actually kind of creeped out.  That's what cults do.  I'm sure this church isn't but then, maybe they shouldn't be acting like one, smh.

    You're absolutely right.

    The pastor isn't making a lot of sense but I'm getting an impression that this is a different faith and not really in my wheelhouse.  

    All of this is smacking of....things just not really adding up.    I can understand making a financial commitment to your faith (a tithe) and I can understand feeling like marrying someone in your faith as the officiant means that you believe that the couple will make married life work (hence the premarital counseling required) but a lot of this just seems odd. 

    And again, it's why I feel like the OP needs to get a lot of ducks in a row here.    
    short+sassy
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
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    2019bride said:
    hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
    Thanks for reading.

    Curiosity question to other Knotties, is this a thing that I'm not aware of?  Because it sounds outrageous.

    It's none of their business if a couple even wants to purchase a home and are saving up for it.  Last I checked, churches don't loan out their money, so it is also none of their business to look at bank statements.  WTF.

    Are they also going to refuse to marry you all if your individual credit scores aren't at least 720?  (Rhetorical snarky question)

    Discussions on handling finances are a key point for premarital counseling.  Money is one of the biggest issues in marriages.  But the pastor/church themselves do not need nitty-gritty details.  I'm actually kind of creeped out.  That's what cults do.  I'm sure this church isn't but then, maybe they shouldn't be acting like one, smh.

    Right. I know people who still rent and don't own their own home, and have no intention of owning! 

    short+sassy
  • banana468banana468
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    I'll admit that this is my judgy side but I'm highly curious as to what faith this is.  
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
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    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
    Thanks for reading.

    Curiosity question to other Knotties, is this a thing that I'm not aware of?  Because it sounds outrageous.

    It's none of their business if a couple even wants to purchase a home and are saving up for it.  Last I checked, churches don't loan out their money, so it is also none of their business to look at bank statements.  WTF.

    Are they also going to refuse to marry you all if your individual credit scores aren't at least 720?  (Rhetorical snarky question)

    Discussions on handling finances are a key point for premarital counseling.  Money is one of the biggest issues in marriages.  But the pastor/church themselves do not need nitty-gritty details.  I'm actually kind of creeped out.  That's what cults do.  I'm sure this church isn't but then, maybe they shouldn't be acting like one, smh.

    You're absolutely right.

    The pastor isn't making a lot of sense but I'm getting an impression that this is a different faith and not really in my wheelhouse.  

    All of this is smacking of....things just not really adding up.    I can understand making a financial commitment to your faith (a tithe) and I can understand feeling like marrying someone in your faith as the officiant means that you believe that the couple will make married life work (hence the premarital counseling required) but a lot of this just seems odd. 

    And again, it's why I feel like the OP needs to get a lot of ducks in a row here.    
    I'm with you there. Based on several posts, I'm gathering that OP and FI are fairly young and not very experienced. I kind of question whether this is a question of them being able to support themselves versus actually purchasing a home. 

    Or maybe it is a cult. 
    ahoywedding
  • banana468banana468
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    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    hi ladies. I recently posted about a save the date issue because we were considering having our wedding and reception at our church. We’ve been conversing with our pastor and his assistant on and off since January about us doing the wedding and reception at the church. Long story short our pastor told us not to send out the save the dates until he get more things finalized from the trustee board, he told us this going on 3 months now. He hasn’t gotten back with us about it yet!!! He’s not being flexible, he’s giving us ultimatums that if we don’t have a certain amount of money in our bank for a home after our wedding he’s not marrying us (which I think is totally out of line) he gives the impression that he doesn’t want us to use the garden area for cocktail hour and pictures, (he says that’s more money) which we obviously know and are okay with. He doesn’t want our set up crew to come in a day before to set up, our wedding will be at 6:30 on a Friday and he said they have to come in at 2:00. That is totally pushing for time. There’s just a lot of things that FH and I aren’t happy with. We’re 6 months out until the wedding and have NO venue due to waiting on him. We started looking around for banquet halls today and hopefully by Monday we can go look at one that we’re interested in. What should we look for? What questions should we ask? What needs to be included? 
    Thanks for reading.

    Curiosity question to other Knotties, is this a thing that I'm not aware of?  Because it sounds outrageous.

    It's none of their business if a couple even wants to purchase a home and are saving up for it.  Last I checked, churches don't loan out their money, so it is also none of their business to look at bank statements.  WTF.

    Are they also going to refuse to marry you all if your individual credit scores aren't at least 720?  (Rhetorical snarky question)

    Discussions on handling finances are a key point for premarital counseling.  Money is one of the biggest issues in marriages.  But the pastor/church themselves do not need nitty-gritty details.  I'm actually kind of creeped out.  That's what cults do.  I'm sure this church isn't but then, maybe they shouldn't be acting like one, smh.

    You're absolutely right.

    The pastor isn't making a lot of sense but I'm getting an impression that this is a different faith and not really in my wheelhouse.  

    All of this is smacking of....things just not really adding up.    I can understand making a financial commitment to your faith (a tithe) and I can understand feeling like marrying someone in your faith as the officiant means that you believe that the couple will make married life work (hence the premarital counseling required) but a lot of this just seems odd. 

    And again, it's why I feel like the OP needs to get a lot of ducks in a row here.    
    I'm with you there. Based on several posts, I'm gathering that OP and FI are fairly young and not very experienced. I kind of question whether this is a question of them being able to support themselves versus actually purchasing a home. 

    Or maybe it is a cult. 
    I'm trying to figure that out as well.    There are times that this feels....Duggar-like?   And then there are times that I just wonder if the OP and her FI just need to understand that marriage won't make you an adult so you need to ensure that you are one before you enter into this commitment. 
    InLoveInQueensahoyweddingeileenrobMyNameIsNot
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
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    banana468 said:
    I'll admit that this is my judgy side but I'm highly curious as to what faith this is.  
    Ditto!  Totally curious as well!

    Finances and premarital counseling are definitely important because one of the primary reasons for divorce is finance issues which are just the catalyst for others and others are the catalyst for the finance issues, but ANYWAY..  If he's saying you've got to have $x in your bank account after the wedding, what good does it do if you're $x in debt on your credit card from financing the wedding.  Being mature about planning the marriage is important and it's good to have a savings built up before you get married because life happens (cars need repair, rent is due, one or the other spouse loses a job, etc.), OTOH your pastor making it an all or nothing line in the sand crosses the line a bit IMO.  

    OP - Churches have every reason to NOT rent out their parish halls for events.  It's not ultimatums, it's their rules.  You have the choice "their way or the highway!" if you don't agree with their rules.  There are hills to die on and there are things to suck it up and do.  The main thing when looking at other reception venues is simple, does the venue fit your budget AFTER all of the nickels and dimes are added up.  If they charge a 20% service fee, that's not necessarily the tip (read the fine print and clarify), so the rate could go up 40% from what the initial charges are, or a venue charges a clean-up fee for your caterer to use their space, etc.  You MUST read the fine print!  What is included for the money.  There is no shame in using a community center, Lion's Club Hall, KC Hall, etc. that tend to be simpler reception venues, but even then, you still need to watch your pennies, read the fine print, and plan accordingly.  Flipping a room in 4 hours isn't likely to be too much of an issue.  I've been to many an event that the room was entirely flipped from one event into a diabolically different one, it's just about efficiency of the staff doing the setup (which you're going to be paying for since you can't do this and have plenty of time to get ready as a bride).  
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  • 2019bride2019bride
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    @banana468 of course I have a lot more learning to do, this is my first marriage so everything that is connected to wedding planning I’m not familiar with! I’m learning as I go. Does that necessary mean that I need to post pone my wedding? Absolutely not. We actually made Pre marital counseling our first priority!!

    @ShesSoCold it’s not odd that we’re changing our venue. We aren’t getting the proper information that is needed, we’re being brushed off and to us they are dragging their feet! We can’t make further plans if we do not have a venue!!! That is our reason for finding another venue. If you’re in the middle of planning or already married you should know venues go fast. Worst comes to worst what if our pastor never get back with us with the information we need? Why sit around and wait? Calling and asking his assistant helps nothing so we’re moving on!

    Like I stated earlier our pastor was way out of line to tell us that he will not marry us if we don’t have a certain amount of money saved!! We aren’t kids who need to be told what to do, nor do we need to report to him about how much we have saved. My FH and I both work and support ourselves. @MesmrEwe it is definitely a ultimatum when someone demands you to have something, if not they won’t do whatever you need in return. That is not a rule hun. I’ve been in church since a little girl and never heard of such a “rule”.
  • banana468banana468
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    2019bride said:
    @banana468 of course I have a lot more learning to do, this is my first marriage so everything that is connected to wedding planning I’m not familiar with! I’m learning as I go. Does that necessary mean that I need to post pone my wedding? Absolutely not. We actually made Pre marital counseling our first priority!!

    @ShesSoCold it’s not odd that we’re changing our venue. We aren’t getting the proper information that is needed, we’re being brushed off and to us they are dragging their feet! We can’t make further plans if we do not have a venue!!! That is our reason for finding another venue. If you’re in the middle of planning or already married you should know venues go fast. Worst comes to worst what if our pastor never get back with us with the information we need? Why sit around and wait? Calling and asking his assistant helps nothing so we’re moving on!

    Like I stated earlier our pastor was way out of line to tell us that he will not marry us if we don’t have a certain amount of money saved!! We aren’t kids who need to be told what to do, nor do we need to report to him about how much we have saved. My FH and I both work and support ourselves. @MesmrEwe it is definitely a ultimatum when someone demands you to have something, if not they won’t do whatever you need in return. That is not a rule hun. I’ve been in church since a little girl and never heard of such a “rule”.
    OK, I understand that there's a lot of unfamiliar territory here but I think you're asking a lot of questions on the board and may be going about things with a bit of a naivete.

    1) I'm not sure what your faith is but if my Catholic priest told me that he wanted to know my finances before he'd marry us I'd tell him that all he needs to be concerned with is getting our checks cleared.  It's an offense I'd consider reporting to the Bishop.   It's simply not making sense given that plenty of people don't buy homes immediately or ever. 

    2) That said, you have already planned your event for what appears to be a January 2019 wedding but you don't have a wedding or reception venue!!  That needs to be your priority here and I'd absolutely push your parish or find another one or see if you can marry somewhere else.   In my faith they push for one year to plan and set dates on their calendar.   That's not always possible but again, none of this makes sense and booking a caterer, bakery or florist doesn't mean a damn thing until you know that you're getting married that day and have a place to feed people. 

    3) I think a lot of your other posts come off as trying to figure things out as you go.   I commend you for asking questions and looking for insight.   What I think you also need to do is think about things maybe in a different way.   The kerfuffle with the bridesmaids is a big example here of how things seemed to go off.    And maybe your BMs know that you don't have a wedding venue yet which is why they haven't bought dresses - that's just a thought.   

    4) When it comes to what to serve, you need to think of all guests.  If your faith doesn't allow something (such as a Mormon not drinking) that can make a non alcoholic reception make more sense.   But whether or not it's something you and your FI like doesn't really fall into whether or not you serve it.

    I'm not sure if the book is still valid but I highly recommend Bridal Bargains for looking at ways to plan your wedding to save money.   But I also recommend calling your church and emphasizing that you need a date or won't be spoken to that way by the pastor.   Frankly I'd plan to switch parishes if my local one spoke that way to me.   And finally, you didn't come back to other threads but I think you need to also work on repairing those relationships that seem to have issues in your bridal party. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomshort+sassySTARMOON44
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    2019bride said:


    @ShesSoCold it’s not odd that we’re changing our venue. We aren’t getting the proper information that is needed, we’re being brushed off and to us they are dragging their feet! We can’t make further plans if we do not have a venue!!! That is our reason for finding another venue. If you’re in the middle of planning or already married you should know venues go fast. Worst comes to worst what if our pastor never get back with us with the information we need? Why sit around and wait? Calling and asking his assistant helps nothing so we’re moving on!


    STUCK

    You completely misunderstood what I said. 

    Was your original plan to get married in your church because you value your religion and want your wedding to take place in a house of God or because it was convenient? 

    I guess I'm just surprised that someone who'd planned a church wedding is this willing to scrap it for whatever venue is available. Have you been looking at other churches? Do you attend this church on a regular basis?

    I'm not at all saying that your pastor isn't out of line (which he totally is) and that the frustrations with your church aren't valid. I would be super frustrated too. 

    And FWIW, I found my venue 13 days before my wedding. Yes, it was a very small wedding and was on a Sunday but we found a beautiful restaurant with private space (for up to like 150) in that short of a time. 
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  • 2019bride2019bride
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    We are Christians and attend a baptist church. Him asking us about our finances and how much we have saved completely caught us off guard and made us feel uncomfortable. Ever so often when we go meet with him his main concern is our finances, he told us that we can have that date but he never actually gave us the OK that we can use the church for the wedding and reception.

    As I stated already we are moving on, we are looking at potential venues Monday and plan to put down a deposit. 

    @ShesSoCold we wanted to marry in our church because of the beauty of it and of course because we both are Christians! It wasn’t “convenient”, it wasn’t free of charge! If anything it was a headache trying to get our questions and concerns answered without going back to our finances topic. Realistically we were going to spend WAY MORE money to decorate the hall! Another reason why we’re scraping it and going with something else. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    MobKaz said:
    Flame away if you will for this admittedly judgmental comment, but the fact that the church was continually referenced as "a venue" was the only red flag I needed to see that this was going to go nowhere fast.  Add to that the fact that OP's primary concern was its "beauty" and I am quite sure that moving in a "new direction" is probably best for all parties.
    I agree. I was trying to give OP the benefit of the doubt and ask a couple questions. And the defensive tone just validated my assumption.

    I don't know anything about the Baptist church or what their rules are, but I hope OP has considered the consequences of being married outside the church.

    Perhaps her pastor was intentionally making it difficult so she would take the church wedding seriously and/or make her look elsewhere without him having to flat out refuse her. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    MobKazOliveOilsMomMyNameIsNot
  • banana468banana468
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    Agreed @MobKaz !  

    DH and I wanted to marry in my parents' church because we are Catholic and the church had sentimental value.  That it's beautiful was an added benefit but the concept of marrying elsewhere was not part of the equation for us if it meant not in a Catholic church.
    MobKaz
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    edited July 5
    I know of one priest who said he could not officiate a couple's wedding in good conscience.  To the best of my knowledge, there had been red flags already.  The final straw, though, was when the guy put down earnest money & signed a contract on a house without his future wife's knowledge (and it wasn't intended to be a gift or anything).  The decision was made based on the advice / pushing of his mom.  The priest told them to postpone the wedding and eventually did officiate the wedding.  They divorced not long after (I think within a year) and the guy's mom controlling him was a key factor.

    I also don't think the pastor is unreasonable about the early setup.  Our wedding was at 2:00 and (If memory serves me) we were able to be in the church to set up 2 hours beforehand.  Even still, there were a lot of restrictions as to what we could and could not do.  I don't think our reception venue even allowed us to get there early the day before.  We were able to leave some things in a closet, but that's it.



    Anniversary
    charlotte989875
  • 2019bride2019bride
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    There was nothing defensive in anything I wrote, sorry that you are jumping to conclusions and assuming that I was being defensive. I can take criticism well but when it’s constantly given like a wise guy I have a problem with that. There’s no consequences with marrying outside the church when you put God first in your relationship and life. Long as we are doing the right thing and living up to his purpose! But thanks for your constant replies, this conversation isn’t going anywhere. 
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    There was nothing defensive in anything I wrote, sorry that you are jumping to conclusions and assuming that I was being defensive. I can take criticism well but when it’s constantly given like a wise guy I have a problem with that. There’s no consequences with marrying outside the church when you put God first in your relationship and life. Long as we are doing the right thing and living up to his purpose! But thanks for your constant replies, this conversation isn’t going anywhere. 
    I'm glad that isn't the case for your faith.   That's just not true in others which is why I cautioned you.

    I'm Catholic.   One of the requirements of having a valid Sacramental marriage is marrying in the Catholic church.  If DH and I failed to do so we would be committing a sin, essentially living outside of marriage and we would technically be unable to receive the Sacrament of the Eucharist nor could we serve as Catholic Godparents or Baptismal sponsors.   It's that serious for my faith and unfortunately your bolded statement would not apply to a Catholic who still wanted to be recognized as practicing in her faith if she entered into a ceremony that wasn't in her church (unless dispensation was given).

    I'm glad your faith is not restricting you there.   That's great progress.

    Unfortunately you haven't addressed the other concerns noted.   Regardless of whether you intend to respond to them here I do hope that you take them to heart.  By your writing you convey that you are intelligent and well-spoken.   Please know that some of us have done this before.   I'm married for over a decade with two kids.  That rodeo was long ago.


    For a little more FYI to the OP or anyone else interested, one of the biggest differences between Catholicism and Protestantism (Baptists fall under this umbrella) is the number of sacraments.  Most/all Protestant sects have two sacraments, Baptism and Communion (aka Lord's Supper or Eucharist).  Catholicism have seven sacraments.  One of them is marriage.

    Probably because of this, at least as far as I know, marriages for people in the Protestant faith are always recognized by those churches.  They do not need to be in a church at all.  It doesn't matter where the wedding occurred.  However, as @banana468 explained well, this is not the case for Catholicism.

    Catholics, Protestants, and Greek Orthodox are all Christians.  Even though many people know this, I always like to mention it for these types of discussions because I've met a number of people in my lifetime who don't. 

    Yup. Granted, I'm not familiar with every Protestant denomination, but I don't know of any that require you to be married in a church. You could get married in a courthouse or outside or wherever, and it would be recognized. It doesn't matter.

  • maine7mobmaine7mob
    100 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited July 16
    Maybe I missed something, but is it possible for you to have the wedding ceremony in the church and the reception elsewhere? That is what Catholics do (they have the wedding in the church so that their marriage will be valid). Baptists and Methodists also do this if they want to serve alcohol at the reception, because the church forbids alcohol on church property.

    I would look into this. That way, you won't need any special permission to host the reception. You'll just need your pastor to marry you, and then off you go to your reception. It's not that hard to find a venue even 6 months out if you're flexible. We live in the middle of nowhere, where there aren't a lot of venues that can accommodate more than 100 people, and yet, we booked a place in February for our daughter's August wedding.

    Your pastor's concern about your finances is weird. I can understand him wanting to be sure that you can afford to be married, but home ownership is not necessary for marriage. He may be saying this because he has real concerns about whether you should marry, or else he is a control freak.

    If I were in your situation, I would consider switching to another church.


  • ernursejernursej
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    There was nothing defensive in anything I wrote, sorry that you are jumping to conclusions and assuming that I was being defensive. I can take criticism well but when it’s constantly given like a wise guy I have a problem with that. There’s no consequences with marrying outside the church when you put God first in your relationship and life. Long as we are doing the right thing and living up to his purpose! But thanks for your constant replies, this conversation isn’t going anywhere. 
    I'm glad that isn't the case for your faith.   That's just not true in others which is why I cautioned you.

    I'm Catholic.   One of the requirements of having a valid Sacramental marriage is marrying in the Catholic church.  If DH and I failed to do so we would be committing a sin, essentially living outside of marriage and we would technically be unable to receive the Sacrament of the Eucharist nor could we serve as Catholic Godparents or Baptismal sponsors.   It's that serious for my faith and unfortunately your bolded statement would not apply to a Catholic who still wanted to be recognized as practicing in her faith if she entered into a ceremony that wasn't in her church (unless dispensation was given).

    I'm glad your faith is not restricting you there.   That's great progress.

    Unfortunately you haven't addressed the other concerns noted.   Regardless of whether you intend to respond to them here I do hope that you take them to heart.  By your writing you convey that you are intelligent and well-spoken.   Please know that some of us have done this before.   I'm married for over a decade with two kids.  That rodeo was long ago.


    For a little more FYI to the OP or anyone else interested, one of the biggest differences between Catholicism and Protestantism (Baptists fall under this umbrella) is the number of sacraments.  Most/all Protestant sects have two sacraments, Baptism and Communion (aka Lord's Supper or Eucharist).  Catholicism have seven sacraments.  One of them is marriage.

    Probably because of this, at least as far as I know, marriages for people in the Protestant faith are always recognized by those churches.  They do not need to be in a church at all.  It doesn't matter where the wedding occurred.  However, as @banana468 explained well, this is not the case for Catholicism.

    Catholics, Protestants, and Greek Orthodox are all Christians.  Even though many people know this, I always like to mention it for these types of discussions because I've met a number of people in my lifetime who don't. 


    As an atheist, I appreciate the breakdown. I don't want to paint everyone with the same brush.
    short+sassy
  • I have never heard of a Baptist church that would let you have a cocktail hour and serve cocktails. I am southern baptist and there is no way alcohol could be served, does this have something to do with them not giving you the answers you want?
    Our premarital counseling does include talk about finances but I've never ever heard of them making you have a certain amount of money in the bank.  As a matter of fact several couples I know have rented and not bought and it was never an issue at all.
    Baptist can be very broad though, a lot of churches that call themselves that are pretty cult like - see Westboro. 
    MesmrEwe
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