Stay out of it, don't make assumptions, and be there for your daughter

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My daughter and her boyfriend are both openly bisexual. We adore him, and their relationship seems to be full of genuine affection. They are each other’s best friends, and I literally saw him step in front of a moving car to pull her to safety. All good, right? Well, he comes from a strict religious tradition. I grew up in this tradition too, so I’m familiar with it, and I know just how insidious the worldview is and how hard it is to throw off. It’s extremely homophobic: The only acceptable life is to be straight, marry, and have children, preferably while young.

Recently, I learned that they’ve never had sex. My daughter’s perfectly willing but he is not. They have been together for three years. We live in a part of the country where a lot of people pay lip service to premarital virginity. You can probably guess my worry. I think my daughter represents a road to a conventional life that he’s always envisioned. I know he wants children. I am petrified that in the future (maybe after marriage and kids) he will realize that he’s not bisexual, he’s gay, and that he has locked himself into a life that isn’t right. I’ve seen this train wreck before and it is devastating for everyone. And here I am, her parent, so everything I might say is loaded like an atomic bomb.

—Train Wreck Incoming

VarunaTT

There's just a whole lot of assumptions here and Mom needs to stay the hell out of all of it.  Just...a whole lot of many Many MANY assumptions that she just needs to stop.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My daughter and her boyfriend are both openly bisexual. We adore him, and their relationship seems to be full of genuine affection. They are each other’s best friends, and I literally saw him step in front of a moving car to pull her to safety. All good, right? Well, he comes from a strict religious tradition. I grew up in this tradition too, so I’m familiar with it, and I know just how insidious the worldview is and how hard it is to throw off. It’s extremely homophobic: The only acceptable life is to be straight, marry, and have children, preferably while young.

Recently, I learned that they’ve never had sex. My daughter’s perfectly willing but he is not. They have been together for three years. We live in a part of the country where a lot of people pay lip service to premarital virginity. You can probably guess my worry. I think my daughter represents a road to a conventional life that he’s always envisioned. I know he wants children. I am petrified that in the future (maybe after marriage and kids) he will realize that he’s not bisexual, he’s gay, and that he has locked himself into a life that isn’t right. I’ve seen this train wreck before and it is devastating for everyone. And here I am, her parent, so everything I might say is loaded like an atomic bomb.

—Train Wreck Incoming

My handling would also depend on the age of my daughter.  

If she's young I would see if life would just take over on its own.   I didn't have a lot of dates but had what I'd call two serious relationships before starting to date DH.   They just went through the ups and downs that relationships do.

So if the DD is in her teens and this is coming up it would not be a concern at all IMO.   If anything I would just stay out and just encourage my kiddo to see the world. 

climbingsingle

She needs to stay out of it. He's already openly bisexual. 

STARMOON44

I think if your daughter asks for advice, you tell her that you support her making the decisions that are best for her. You tell her if she’s fine waiting that’s fine. You tell her if she isn’t fine waiting that wanting sex to be part of your relationship is okay! And that you want her to be comfortable asking for what she wants out of life in her relationships and otherwise. 

If. She. Asks. 

Casadena

So, I could absolutely understand the mom wanting to and having a discussion with her daughter about her own experiences in the very conservative and strict religion she was/is a part of and how that might fit in to her daughter's life. But it should come from a place of support and really like STARMOON's wording. 

I think "stay out of it" completely is tough (although the thing she is worried about it is ridiculous and out-of-line in my opinion).  Questions and discussion about her relationship in general and how it might fit in (or not) to religion?  I think that's very normal actually.

ShesSoCold

How odd that a strictly religious person is worried that her daughter isn't having sex. And totally irrationally, too. 

VarunaTT

Also, there's some serious grossness about sexuality going on here.  Like, "They haven't had sex, so he MUST actually be gay."  B/c sex is the parameter for sexual orientation?

I'm really bothered by this letter.  I think Mom needs to counseling, b/c she is pushing A LOT of her own baggage about religion and consequences onto her daughter.  She doesn't even mention if her daughter was happy/unhappy about no sex, just that the guy must be gay.  

ei34

I understand that LW is concerned but agree that at this point she needs to stay out of it.  

Sidestory- my mother’s best friend from high school is a lesbian, and she knowingly married a gay man (they were out to some friends but not to many family members at the time).  They both wanted children (this was a bit before IVF) and weren’t sure if they’d stay married forever, but they respected each other as partners.  They did end up getting divorced after around 10 years of marriage and two kids, in the early 90s.  The exH is happily married to a man, my mom’s friend is married to a woman, their kids (who my siblings and I grew up playing with) are well adjusted and happy.  I wonder if LW has ever assumed that her daughter is actually a lesbian the way she’s assumed the bf is gay.  At this point she should trust her daughter is happy when she says she is...aka stop with all of the assumptions.  

short+sassy

Casadena said:

So, I could absolutely understand the mom wanting to and having a discussion with her daughter about her own experiences in the very conservative and strict religion she was/is a part of and how that might fit in to her daughter's life. But it should come from a place of support and really like STARMOON's wording. 

I think "stay out of it" completely is tough (although the thing she is worried about it is ridiculous and out-of-line in my opinion).  Questions and discussion about her relationship in general and how it might fit in (or not) to religion?  I think that's very normal actually.

I definitely lean more this way, if the mother and daughter have the kind of relationship where they might occasionally have discussions about their sex lives.  The fact that the mother is aware of the daughter and b/f's sexuality and is aware of the fact that the daughter is not having sex with her longtime b/f, leads me to believe that she probably does have this kind of relationship with her daughter.

If so, I don't think it would be out of line for the mother to ask her daughter (when the no-sex subject comes up) how she feels about it.  Not the assuming he might be gay part.  But opening the door for her daughter to discuss with her.  Whether it is agreement/also her idea, not her preference/but all good, or it has been a problem.  Or, MYOB, Mom.  And Mom should certainly take heed, lol.  But still opens the door that "this is a safe subject you can come to me with", if the daughter ever chooses to.

artbyallie

Fucking bi-erasure.

People don't have to HAVE sex to know whom they find sexually attractive.

Mom needs to butt out. How she could be raised in the same strict environment and think he's somehow still trapped in that headspace when he's OUT regarding his sexuality is bizarre. Like, if that's what he was going for, wouldn't he still be pretending to be straight?