Wedding Woes

Well, This Is A Shitshow; or, PRUDIE, BITCHES

Dear Prudence,
Ten years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker, “Amir.” My marriage at the time eventually dissolved for unrelated reasons; his did not. I am now engaged, and I deeply regret my actions of a decade ago. My fiancé has trust issues because his ex tried to convince him he was the father of someone else’s baby. He had to get an official paternity test, and she slandered his name all over town. I have been honest about my past infidelity, and we are in couples’ counseling.

My problem is that a recent promotion puts me back in direct contact with Amir. He is a city away, but we will be speaking regularly. So far everything has been above-board, but my fiancé does not know Amir was the man I cheated with, and our counselor has said it would be counterproductive to dwell on the past, but I still feel guilty. I can’t leave my position without jeopardizing my career, and it will be at least a year before I can make a lateral move into another department. My fiancé has trouble with jealousy and reacted negatively when my ex-husband invited us to his engagement party. I don’t want to undo the progress we have made, but I don’t want to lie. I feel like Pandora here. So do I open up the box or let it sit?
—Past Love Affair

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Re: Well, This Is A Shitshow; or, PRUDIE, BITCHES

  • Tell your FI you will be working more closely with an ex as a result of the promotion. You don’t need to disclose all the details but if it feels like you’re hiding something you probably should say something. If the FI doesn’t trust you enough to speak professionally to an ex on occasion you have much bigger problems. 
  • I see 2 red flags:

    1.  You fucked up.  Figure out why, don't do it again, but this level of guilt 10 years is later is unreasonable.

    2.  FI has jealousy issues, badly.

    I also wonder if this level of guilt from LW is actually coming from FI, which is just all sorts of nope, for me.  
  • This is a shitshow.

    I'm not a fan of keeping secrets but I don't know that I would feel comfortable here.

    This is way too nuanced to answer.  And frankly I would have issues feeling like my fiance didn't trust me.   What I'd do is seek counseling on my own to try to come up with a resolution to the matter and THEN I would move forward deciding what is best for myself.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2018
    Oh yikes.

    The LW needs a new job, a new FI, or both.
  • This letter actually made me realize that I watch way too much South Park.  I can't stop laughing that "Amir" is the name of Shelly's online b/f.  She always adds qualifiers when she says his name like "my dear, sweet Amir".

    Anyway.  I want to tell the LW to just DTMFA.  But she obviously has more tolerance for jealousy than I do.  Which isn't saying much, lol.  My jealousy tolerance bar is quite low.

    I initially liked @charlotte989875's advice to tell him it's an ex, without further details.  But I suspect LW's FI wouldn't accept a generic answer like that.  You know he'd be the kind of guy harassing her for more details, non-stop.  Even if her and her FI don't talk about work that often, I think this would be a hard secret to keep.  I think she should tell him, including exactly who this guy is.  Including many of the details included in the letter.  That it was 10 years ago.  She has less than zero interest in this dude.  They'll rarely see each other in person. 

    Unfortunately for her, I'm sure it will still turn into some long, obnoxious discussion.  And she'll have to pat and reassure his little ego, periodically during the timeframe she works with Amir.  But, since she apparently wants to stay with her FI, that is what she'll face.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Regardless of her issue (she has done nothing wrong in this relationship), I can't help but feel this fiancé is not ready to be in a committed relationship, AT ALL. If he is freaking out about an invitation to celebrate an ex who is engaged to someone else, there is absolutely no way this person is mature or in a good enough place to be able to commit to a marriage. Call it off now, because a divorce with a jealous and spiteful person prone to rage and grudges sounds like hell. And those are really the only two options. 
  • I also wonder if LW's guilt is only coming out because she knows how her FI will react to the news. 

    Past is past, but I think this type of information should be shared with your partner.   The problem here is the jealousy of LW's FI, which seems pretty severe if he cannot attend LW's ex-H's engagement party!!!  This isn't even a letter where LW spends the first few sentences saying how awesome the FI is, so are there any redeeming qualities?

    I don't think this relationship is long for this world.  Its good to see that they are in couples counseling, but the FI needs to be in individual counseling as well to address his jealousy issues. 

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