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Wedding Woes

Decline Or Don't, Nothing Else Is Up To You

Dear Prudence,
My good friend’s partner was close to “Rick,” who was publicly accused of rape. As a survivor of rape who’d always found Rick to be skeevy, I found it easy to cut him out of my life. They kept ties with him. Now, they are getting married, and I learned that both he and I will be in the wedding party. I didn’t hear this from the bride or groom, though! They are planning an overnight wedding party, and the idea of spending the night with this guy is giving me a lot of anxiety. I’m also pretty upset they are concealing his participation in the wedding. Do I skip the extras and ignore this guy at the reception and wedding? How can I talk about this with them when it seems they don’t want to address it?
—Elephant at the Wedding


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Re: Decline Or Don't, Nothing Else Is Up To You

  • Talk to your friend about the details of the wedding then decide what you’re confortable. They’ve made a choice to stay friends with him, now it’s up to you to make a choice (once you have actual information from the B+G not the rumor mill) if you want to be in the wedding. 
    baconsmomshort+sassyOliveOilsMomernursej
  • Talk to your friend about the details of the wedding then decide what you’re confortable. They’ve made a choice to stay friends with him, now it’s up to you to make a choice (once you have actual information from the B+G not the rumor mill) if you want to be in the wedding. 
    All of this.   Talk to them.   Then make decisions about whether or not you can be in this wedding.   I know I wouldn't consent to staying overnight with someone who made me uncomfortable but would get my own hotel room and would keep my distance. 
    charlotte989875baconsmomOliveOilsMomahoywedding
  • levioosa said:
    I’m honestly not sure I could even keep being friends with the B&G. How do you acknowledge a rapist in your life and then not only continue contact, but have him be close enough to be in the WP? I would cut them all out the same way I’ve cut out friends who remain friends with abusive exes (of other friends). “He’s actually a really great guy. It’s just this one thing.” No. They do not get a pass. And minimizing it makes you a shitty person too. 
    I mean, this is where I would be, too, but she only wrote to Prudie about the wedding, and all she can do there is decline to be in it - or not. Personally, I don't feel it's the time to have a big conversation about it, but then, I would have had that conversation when the allegations first surfaced, and probably no one would have asked me to be in the wedding. 

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    MyNameIsNot
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