Wedding Woes

You're Doing It Wrong (And It Makes The Rest Of Us Look Bad, So Stop It)

Dear Prudence,
I’m poly, and my boyfriend is not. This wasn’t a problem until he got back with his ex-girlfriend. He and I were together behind her back for some months, and it was a relief when he broke that off. It sounded like an unhappy relationship that dragged on long past its expiration date, and I’ll admit his recitation of all her faults and the miserable state of their relationship made it easier for me to be partner to infidelity. Then he went back after two weeks. He says he regrets telling me only bad things about her—evidently she isn’t as emotionally abusive as he let on, etc. I asked him if specific things he’d told me did not in fact happen. He made excuses. They would have a bad interaction, and he would feel disrespected, then within a couple of days the narrative would shift and he would say he needed to be more considerate and there is nothing to forgive, because nobody did anything wrong. It was super frustrating to watch.

But anyway, she’s back, and he wants to carry on with me like we were. Only she hasn’t consented to a poly relationship, and from what he has said, it’s not even worth bringing up the subject with her. I don’t want to give him up. I enjoy his company, and he brings a lot of joy to my life. But … the girlfriend! I know this isn’t ethical poly anymore, and I know what the right thing is. I guess I’m writing to you for a shot of courage. Any advice on how to get over how much this is gonna ache when I cut him loose? And how do I let him know that he has a place in my clan when he is free again—without sounding like I’m looking forward to this reconciliation falling apart?
—How to Exit Gracefully

image

Re: You're Doing It Wrong (And It Makes The Rest Of Us Look Bad, So Stop It)

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2018

    I admittedly don't know a lot about polyamorous relationships.  But I feel like the gist I've always heard is they rely on good communication, good understanding/agreement of relationship parameters, and honesty on the parts of all parties.

    So I'm giving side-eye to the LW pretending that it was previously "ethical poly", but isn't now.  LW, he has ALWAYS been lying to his g/f.  And you knew that.

    With that said, I have much less angst with her than with him.  She's not the one who broke a commitment with the g/f.  He did.  He's the slime ball.

    If she now feels the best thing to do is break it off, then she should break it off.  Find someone else whose company she enjoys and brings her joy.  Without it coming from a liar who is bringing that to her at the expense of another person.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with her last sentence.  And who cares what he thinks.  The only thing I would caution her about on it is, he might come back to her, saying that he and his g/f have broken up.  Since he knows that is what she needs to hear to stay in the relationship.  Except they really haven't.  Because, you know...he's a liar, smh.

    Edited to add:  I don't want to come off like a person who cheats is always a horrible person.  That's not true at all.  But, in this case, yeah he is.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think this guy is taking advantage of LW's poly status to try and justify having two girlfriends.  LW should know that poly relationships work because all parties know about the others.  LW should DTMFA.  I also don't think she should invite him into her clan if he is ever truly free of his current GF.  He has already showed himself to be dishonest, why would she bring that type of person into her clan?
  • LW sounds unethical and manipulative and so does the partner.

    If all parties engaged in this aren't aware of what's going on then you're being dishonest and you are engaging in an affair.    I can't think of a situation in which this is considered above board at all.
  • Poly relationships work only when all parties agree to the relationship. And no relationship works when one party is going behind the other's back.

    Since the GF hasn't agreed to a poly relationship, and since he wants to lie to the GF about the existence and/or nature of his relationship with the LW, the LW needs to kick his butt to the curb.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards