Dear Prudence,
I first met “Anne” when we were both pregnant. We became fast friends and raised our daughters, now in their 30s, together. Anne’s daughter doesn’t plan on having children, which is difficult for Anne, who wanted to be a grandmother terribly. My daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in March—my first grandchild. When my grandson was born, Anne immediately stepped into the role of bonus grandmother, perhaps a little too well. My son-in-law doesn’t speak with his parents, so they aren’t in the picture. The day after my grandson was born, I arrived at the hospital to find Anne already there, holding him. She had baby-proofed her house by the next week. She has pictures of him in every room of her house and posts them on Facebook (with my daughter’s consent) almost once a week, referring to herself as “Nana Anne.” Anne is retired (I am not) and is able to watch my grandson three days of the week while my daughter begins work again. She even contributed a large sum to start his college fund, which I am unable to do financially at this time.
I do my best to be a helpful and loving grandmother, and I spend lots of time with my daughter and her family, but I feel like everything I do, Anne does better and more often. I can’t help but feel like she has “stolen” my grandson. The rational part of me knows that it’s a win-win for my daughter to get the free child care, for Anne to have a grandchild, and my grandson to have another loving presence in his life. But the irrational part is jealous, angry that Anne’s financial situation allowed her to retire before me, and resentful. I’m struggling to find ways to talk to Anne and my daughter about how I feel, because I don’t want to come across as possessive and demanding. How can I preserve my friendship with Anne, and enjoy my role as a grandmother, with this dynamic?
—Second-Tier Grandma