Wedding Woes

Take the money out of the equation.

Dear Prudence,

My son left my wife and me during high school to live with his mother, while his sisters stayed with us. My ex was an alcoholic who sobered up enough to pass court inspection. She let my son have overnight visits with his girlfriend, among other indulgences. There was no court order to pay for college, but I have done so for my oldest daughter. My son is another story. He got into a state university and failed out. My terms were that he come home—his mother’s or mine—and pass community college before I paid another dime or paid back his existing loans. He and his mother took me to court and lost. It burned a lot of bridges. My son, after months of silence, has told me he has enrolled again in higher education—but he has not apologized. I don’t know how to take this. My wife is unhappy but supportive. My daughters are not on speaking terms with their mother because of her alcoholism. This is my only son. How do I respond?

—College Funding

Re: Take the money out of the equation.

  • edited August 2018
    Exactly, mrs.conn. 

    You be happy for him and supportive and congratulate him for going back to school. Invite him to the house for dinner, shit like that. Don't mention money at all. If he does, remind him what your terms were to begin with. 

    I never went to college, but I had a really hard time getting out of bed and getting my ass to school in high school (depression and anxiety were pretty bad and no one knew how to help me, including myself). My parents had told all three of us that we'd each pay a third of college (1/3 dad, 1/3 mom and 1/3 me). Because of my issues in high school, my mom said she'd reimburse me for her third AFTER the semester if I passed. It sounded completely reasonable to me, given my record of not going to class and flunking classes. 

    Edited for clarity.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Tough love: Don't hold out for that apology but I'd continue to tell him that you think he's done well for going to college again. 

    College money isn't owed.   He can work on his own to prove to himself and you that he's getting ahead and then you can decide if/when to reward efforts. 
  • I agree with the other PPs.  Work on the relationship first.  Worry about the money later.  I think the LW has made it clear through his words and actions that he is happy to help his children with their higher education.  As long as THEY are serious about it and not wasting his money.

    When the subject comes up...or perhaps the LW would want to bring the subject up, if he sees his son doing well...he could take a page out of @ShesSoCold's mom's handbook.  He'll reimburse his son for each semester's tuition.  AFTER it is completed with good grades.

    When I was in community college, I worked heavy p/t for a company (BofA) with tuition reimbursement.  And you had to get at least C's in a class for them to reimburse it.  I went to community college for 3 years before transferring to a university.  They paid 100% of my tuition for the last 2 years I was there!  It was pretty sweet and save me a lot of money.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited August 2018
    “Congratulations! I hope the new semester goes well. We’d love to have you over for dinner whenever you’re free”

    The son she’s his father for college tuition, and even if it was initiated by the mother is still doesn’t change that fact. I’d be hurt and understand where LW is coming from. 
  • edited August 2018
    it's really good for your son to have the courage to enroll into another semester cos that shows that he hasn't given up on his education even if he failed. and you as his parent should definitely support him. i know that you're quite hurt to the fact he left your house to stay with your ex, but no matter what, you're still obligated for the education fee. don't see it as he needs to apologize to you first and then you will pay for the tuition fees. no, parenting doesn't work like that
  • it's really good for your son to have the courage to enroll into another semester cos that shows that he hasn't given up on his education even if he failed. and you as his parent should definitely support him. i know that you're quite hurt to the fact he left your house to stay with your ex, but no matter what, you're still obligated for the education fee. don't see it as he needs to apologize to you first and then you will pay for the tuition fees. no, parenting doesn't work like that
    Nope. I disagree, I don’t think parents (or anyone really) is required to pay for another person, yes even their child, to go to college. And the LW did originally pay, but the son failed out. The parent is not obligated to keep making this, generous, offer. 
  • I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
  • banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 
  • banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 
    Yeah I actually know someone who sued her dad (parents divorced) and won. Super shitty, IMHO but worked for her, I guess! 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 
    Sorry you're right.   It *can* happen where as part of a divorce proceeding it's written in there but generally the answer is no.

    I'm honestly surprised that a court would mandate it to a parent outside of a divorce proceeding.   That's a risky precedent to set. 
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2018
    banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 

    I have also found that bizarre!  No parent is under any obligation to support a child and/or pay for their schooling once they are 18 and out of high school.  Yet paying for a child's college can often be part of a divorce decree.

    With that said, I do personally think that parents should contribute their child's higher education, when it is possible.  I realize it isn't always and give no side-eye.  Still, further education, whether college or a trade school, can help their child's future so much.  

    I'll give an example of something that got under my skin, along those lines.  My friend's sister has a young daughter.  She spends THOUSANDS a year putting her daughter in those hideous child beauty pageants, with the $2K cupcake dresses.  I asked if her sister already had that little girl's college fund completed because, if not, that seems like a much better use of the money.  My friend scoffed hard and said there was no college fund.  I cannot even fathom it.  That same money put toward college, would have years to appreciate and pay for a big chunk of those expenses.  But apparently this mother thinks her future 23-year-old daughter, about to enter the workforce, would rather have a closet full of old trophies and sashes than a college degree.  

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 
    Sorry you're right.   It *can* happen where as part of a divorce proceeding it's written in there but generally the answer is no.

    I'm honestly surprised that a court would mandate it to a parent outside of a divorce proceeding.   That's a risky precedent to set. 
    I've heard around here that if parents divorce it is basically an automatic obligation of 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 - so each parent is required to pay 1/3 and the student is required to cover 1/3. 

    I  just looked it up and it seems like this rule was pre2012 and has some more wiggle room although it said a child of divorce/out of wedlock parents can petition for parents to be required to pay a portion 
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I completely agree with @MyNameIsNot and @charlotte989875.   @knottie7d6129cc92a62680 you are mistaken.  No parent is under any obligation to pay for their child's education.   
    Interestingly, and as a side note, this isn’t always the case! Where I live parents can, as part of a divorce, be ordered to pay for college. Not a factor here since his ex tried that and failed. 
    Sorry you're right.   It *can* happen where as part of a divorce proceeding it's written in there but generally the answer is no.

    I'm honestly surprised that a court would mandate it to a parent outside of a divorce proceeding.   That's a risky precedent to set. 
    Same here. It can be part of a divorce, but only where the parties agree to it and write it into the agreement. The Court can't order it as part of the divorce. Considering 99% of divorces are either uncontested or contested but settled by the parties out of court, it is an option. Even still, I always advised people not to agree to it, even if you 100% can and plan to pay for college, you don't want to be stuck with it if there's a disaster.

    It sounds like LW is in similar circumstances. He mentions that it wasn't written into the divorce settlement, and that the ex lost when she tried to sue him for tuition. 
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    It reads like the courts ordered the college payment.
  • 6fsn said:
    It reads like the courts ordered the college payment.
    I read exactly the opposite.

    My son left my wife and me during high school to live with his mother, while his sisters stayed with us. My ex was an alcoholic who sobered up enough to pass court inspection. She let my son have overnight visits with his girlfriend, among other indulgences. There was no court order to pay for college, but I have done so for my oldest daughter. My son is another story. He got into a state university and failed out. My terms were that he come home—his mother’s or mine—and pass community college before I paid another dime or paid back his existing loans. He and his mother took me to court and lost. It burned a lot of bridges. My son, after months of silence, has told me he has enrolled again in higher education—but he has not apologized. I don’t know how to take this. My wife is unhappy but supportive. My daughters are not on speaking terms with their mother because of her alcoholism. This is my only son. How do I respond?
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    6fsn said:
    It reads like the courts ordered the college payment.
    I read exactly the opposite.

    My son left my wife and me during high school to live with his mother, while his sisters stayed with us. My ex was an alcoholic who sobered up enough to pass court inspection. She let my son have overnight visits with his girlfriend, among other indulgences. There was no court order to pay for college, but I have done so for my oldest daughter. My son is another story. He got into a state university and failed out. My terms were that he come home—his mother’s or mine—and pass community college before I paid another dime or paid back his existing loans. He and his mother took me to court and lost. It burned a lot of bridges. My son, after months of silence, has told me he has enrolled again in higher education—but he has not apologized. I don’t know how to take this. My wife is unhappy but supportive. My daughters are not on speaking terms with their mother because of her alcoholism. This is my only son. How do I respond?


    You're absolutely right.  I skimmed too fast:)

    It did remind me to put some bonus money in my kids' accounts.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards