Not Engaged Yet

Not Engaged But Planning

Hi all. I've seen quite a few posts on here about women who have started planning/putting down deposits before the "proposal" moment and wanted some feedback on my own situation. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married these past few months and have sat down to really discuss it in depth. We've gone ring shopping and picked out "the ring" and together set a date. We don't really believe in long engagements, so we set a date for June of 2019 which is pretty close to our 2.5 year anniversary. We have started a rough draft of a guest list as well as caterer options. Yesterday we toured our "dream" venue and decided to put down the deposit. My mom has agreed to help pay for the wedding (roughly half) and we both have money saved as well. However, he still hasn't "officially" proposed yet with the ring. He says that "he knows what he is doing and what I like" in reference to seasons (I hate winter and love fall). He keeps referencing that the ring moment will happen this fall. How do I "patiently" wait for this moment? Since his parents are more traditional than us, he wants to wait to tell his family until I have the ring. However, he and I have already told my family about our plans and they are all on board. I am super excited, but know that planning a decent size wedding in 7-9 months can be difficult when I'm currently working two jobs as well as finishing up my Master's degree. What are some things you all recommend checking off early? What can I do now to get ahead? Are we crazy for booking vendors this early? 

Re: Not Engaged But Planning

  • We actually are sending in the deposit for our venue this week, so our date is set! I feel awkward because like a lot of our friends/my family know and his parents don't. How do we approach that conversation when we do get the ring? "So hey we got engaged, but the photographer, venue and caterer are already booked yay us!" We really wanted to jump on planning because with our date being June 15, 2019 there isn't much time since it's peak wedding season. We're finding that a lot of venues and photographers are already booked for our date. I just don't want his family to feel left out. My dad passed away two weeks ago and my mom is getting not possessive, but sensitive about wedding stuff and is helping to pay (she has already started). She doesn't want to feel replaced by his parents since I don't have a dad and he does. My dad was helping me to plan the wedding up until the day he died, so there is a ton of variables. 
  • We do have a budget in place. We have already calculated out the prices for our guests with multiple caterers and are doing tastings in the next few weeks. His family has had two weddings in the past 8 months, so we already knew our numbers more or less ahead of time based on those. The venue we picked can in fact hold the number of people we planned on having come.
  • We actually are sending in the deposit for our venue this week, so our date is set! I feel awkward because like a lot of our friends/my family know and his parents don't. How do we approach that conversation when we do get the ring? "So hey we got engaged, but the photographer, venue and caterer are already booked yay us!" We really wanted to jump on planning because with our date being June 15, 2019 there isn't much time since it's peak wedding season. We're finding that a lot of venues and photographers are already booked for our date. I just don't want his family to feel left out. My dad passed away two weeks ago and my mom is getting not possessive, but sensitive about wedding stuff and is helping to pay (she has already started). She doesn't want to feel replaced by his parents since I don't have a dad and he does. My dad was helping me to plan the wedding up until the day he died, so there is a ton of variables. 
    Since your mom knows, I don’t see the harm in telling his family now too. They will still be excited to see the ring when you get it. Friends can wait if you want them to.
    short+sassyInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875ahoywedding
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
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    I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Agree with PP- you need to tell your VIPs now. What if they booked a cruise or something?
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    InLoveInQueens
  • He's planning a proposal for October, so we plan to wait until then. In our opinions, that is still plenty of time for them to "save our date." Also, his family doesn't do "cruises" or trips really so that isn't an issue, but I get what you mean. 
  • Thank you for your opinion. However, we do know his family and their summer schedules already. He's planning a proposal with the ring next month. Other than as you say "saving the date" there isn't a reason to start their "grapevine effect" until I have the ring on my finger. 
  • Thank you for your opinion. However, we do know his family and their summer schedules already. He's planning a proposal with the ring next month. Other than as you say "saving the date" there isn't a reason to start their "grapevine effect" until I have the ring on my finger. 
    Is there any chance his family will hear from friends or other people you have told? I mean, I’d be more worried they’d find out you’ve told your family, your friends, vendors, without telling them. There’s such a risk for hurt feelings here I’d say get the ring now and tell them, or just tell them without having a ring. If you’re doing this much planning, and telling this many people, there bound to find out and the ramifications of that could be significant. 
    nightnerdredoryxMyNameIsNotahoywedding
  • So on the one hand, you're asking how you can be patient until he officially proposes; on the other, you're actively planning a wedding. These are kind of opposing goals.

    I feel like you've kind of shot yourself in the foot by starting to look at venues before you consider yourselves engaged. I'm truly not saying this to be mean; it's just that once you start booking vendors and putting down deposits and whatnot, you've started something pretty official, and it's hard to put the brakes on that while you're waiting for him to do the ring thing. Since, as you say, your mom and several of your friends already know what's happening, it seems kind of mean and unnecessary to keep this from his family. I completely understand the impulse to get started since you have so much on your plate; therefore, why not call your engagement official and share the good news with everyone? That way you don't have the added burden of keeping a secret, and then you can share the special moment of receiving your engagement ring in October with everyone at that time. I can't think of any solid reasoning to wait until then, since you are basically committed to having your wedding on this date at this particular venue.

    One of my friends got engaged without a ring. Her now-husband was planning to propose and was working on the details, but in a tender moment he just kind of blurted it out and that was that! They planned their wedding in four months, and everyone was excited all over again when he gave her the engagement ring a month or two after his impromptu proposal. Just a little anecdote to illustrate that shorter engagements without a ring can be pulled off beautifully.
    InLoveInQueensahoyweddingthisismynickname2charlotte989875
  • Thank you for your opinion. However, we do know his family and their summer schedules already. He's planning a proposal with the ring next month. Other than as you say "saving the date" there isn't a reason to start their "grapevine effect" until I have the ring on my finger. 
    Is there any chance his family will hear from friends or other people you have told? I mean, I’d be more worried they’d find out you’ve told your family, your friends, vendors, without telling them. There’s such a risk for hurt feelings here I’d say get the ring now and tell them, or just tell them without having a ring. If you’re doing this much planning, and telling this many people, there bound to find out and the ramifications of that could be significant. 
    Co-sign. From my experience across multiple weddings, it's already hard enough for the groom's parents -- mom, especially -- to feel involved and then for them to find out you've basically already planned the wedding without them (but your parents knew and were involved) may make it worse, especially if they do manage to find out from other people. There is also the concern that his parents had people they would have liked to invite but weren't on your "draft" guest list and now it may put you over the venue limit. 
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    MyNameIsNotahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • We have discussed it and his reasoning is that all of the people we have told aka friends and my family has been in person. He understands me wanting to tell his parents and has decided that we will tell them in person the next time we see them so they don't get it over a text, which is what it would have been. They live 3 hours away from us so we don't see them as much when the school year starts. Also, I already have a bunch of things planned for his mom to be involved with/make decisions on to help alleviate that left out feeling. But, at the end of the day it is our wedding that my mom, fiance, and I are paying for. All final guest list decisions and other things will be chosen by us. If we want a smaller wedding then we'll have a smaller wedding. End of story. 
  • We have discussed it and his reasoning is that all of the people we have told aka friends and my family has been in person. He understands me wanting to tell his parents and has decided that we will tell them in person the next time we see them so they don't get it over a text, which is what it would have been. They live 3 hours away from us so we don't see them as much when the school year starts. Also, I already have a bunch of things planned for his mom to be involved with/make decisions on to help alleviate that left out feeling. But, at the end of the day it is our wedding that my mom, fiance, and I are paying for. All final guest list decisions and other things will be chosen by us. If we want a smaller wedding then we'll have a smaller wedding. End of story. 
    Okay then.
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    MyNameIsNotcharlotte989875
  • Thank you for your opinion. However, we do know his family and their summer schedules already. He's planning a proposal with the ring next month. Other than as you say "saving the date" there isn't a reason to start their "grapevine effect" until I have the ring on my finger. 
    Is there any chance his family will hear from friends or other people you have told? I mean, I’d be more worried they’d find out you’ve told your family, your friends, vendors, without telling them. There’s such a risk for hurt feelings here I’d say get the ring now and tell them, or just tell them without having a ring. If you’re doing this much planning, and telling this many people, there bound to find out and the ramifications of that could be significant. 
    It seems like you've made up your mind, but this. My sister and her wife live about 2.5 hours from my parents. They had planned a legal ceremony before their destination wedding, and weren't going to tell anyone in our family (my other sister & I both live in different states). Some of their local friends were invited to the legal ceremony. What they HADN'T planned on was that one of their friends would be in my parents' city, see them, and ask if they were coming down for "the wedding" on whatever date. My parents did end up going, but they were very hurt, and it definitely affected their view of the entire wedding process for my sister. If that's the way you want to start your lives, then go for it. It's not like texting isn't the only way you can spread news to people who are a few hours away. 
    InLoveInQueensMesmrEwecharlotte989875
  • We have already told them. Thanks though.
  • Finalize the guest list with allowances for your sets of parents to potentially invite some of their close friends especially since they're paying, it's actually best to hold off and ask their input because "Ye who pays gets a say" and it's courtesy when they're paying to do so, not that they HAVE to invite anyone, but they may also come up with people in the family to invite, etc. Again, for both sets of parents, it's COURTESY, not mandated invites.  But it's also best to do this before putting your deposit down on a venue that may be too small.  
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