If you're paying, shut.her.down.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I are in the process of wedding planning, and everything is going smoothly except for one thing: My mother insists on inviting people I barely know who have never met my fiancé. We want to have a small, intimate wedding, but it’s ballooning with demands from my mother to invite people I have little or no feelings for. So far, I’ve accommodated most of her demands, but I need to draw the line somewhere. Conversations on her respecting our decision have led to nothing but screaming matches. When I ask her to respect my decision or try to shut down the conversation, she calls me a bridezilla. I feel like she’s planning her own wedding and I have no say over it. Any suggestions on how to get her to respect our decision and our budget?

—Not My Wedding

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I are in the process of wedding planning, and everything is going smoothly except for one thing: My mother insists on inviting people I barely know who have never met my fiancé. We want to have a small, intimate wedding, but it’s ballooning with demands from my mother to invite people I have little or no feelings for. So far, I’ve accommodated most of her demands, but I need to draw the line somewhere. Conversations on her respecting our decision have led to nothing but screaming matches. When I ask her to respect my decision or try to shut down the conversation, she calls me a bridezilla. I feel like she’s planning her own wedding and I have no say over it. Any suggestions on how to get her to respect our decision and our budget?

—Not My Wedding

Who made the budget and who is financing this? 

If LW is financing the wedding then she gets to tell mom no.  "Mom, I want to involve you in this but you're a guest and not a decision maker.   If you want to see all those people then host your own party." 

But if mom is hosting and the LW is trying to budget with her parents money she needs to realize that with money comes strings. 

short+sassy

The way the LW phrased "our budget", gave me the impression that she and her FI are paying for all/most of the wedding.

Assuming this, I would respond, "Well, Mother.  If being prudent, financial planner who is not willing to live beyond her means makes me a bridezilla, than I am happy to wear that title."

Really, though, this is another situation where the law needs to be laid down.  If mom is paying any part, do not accept or give back the money.  Then, acknowledge what the mother wants.  Explain FI and I don't agree and we want a smaller gathering.  It is not her decision and it is no longer up for the discussion.  Stick to that and immediately shut down further conversations.

charlotte989875

Tell her is she wants to plan her own wedding she should have a vow renewal, but you’re not interested in a big production and the guest list is closed. 

But yeah who is paying? 

ernursej

This is my MIL to a t. We let her have her own party for her many friends and that ended up being the right answer to our situation. We paid the entire bill so she didn't really have a leg to stand on but for us, it was the respectful way to deal with the situation. She got to plan a perfect cocktail party and we got to show up as the newlywed and meet many people for a few hours. We got the nice small wedding that we wanted.