Keep the money, and your family sucks.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am going to community college on a limited scholarship. My younger brother went straight to an expensive university. My cousin died last year in a car accident and my aunt announced she wanted to give the money from his education fund to us. This means a lot to both of us and will cover a semester and a half of my brother’s school but pay for all of mine, including the technical training I have to do afterward. Plus, I might be able to afford a used car. My parents and brother are pressuring me to give the money to my brother, since he “needs it more.” There has always been an edge of favoritism toward my brother. My mother brags about him going to this university all the time. My father says my brother is going to do “great things.” I get the “just”: just going to community college, just made B’s this semester, just plans to go to a trade school, etc. Just never enough. It would break my aunt’s heart to hear about this, but the pressure from my parents is getting uncomfortable. I have already moved out, but anytime I go back home, this comes up. How do I make it stop?

—Always Less Than

ShesSoCold

"I'm sure brother will be able to find a way to pay for his own school since he's going to do such great things and I'd hate to make such an important person feel low by having me, JUST a community college B student, help him out."

downtondiva

Keep. The. Money. 

Also, I think it would be totally valid for LW to distances themselves from their family until they back off. And if they ask why LW isn't coming home much anymore, tell them why.

banana468

Keep the money and tell your family to eff off.

Brother made a choice to go to an expensive school.   That does not mean that his choices mean that others should spend more money to finance his choices.    

Sister was given a gift that is hers to keep.   That the family is treating her this way is misogynistic and toxic to their relationship.   Time to distance yourself from mom and dad and make sure they don't have access to your finances.  

CharmedPam

yeahno.

Lets say, LW's parents each gave them $200,000 dollars for a house.   LW went and bought a $175,000 dollar house and had some left over.  Her brother went and bought a $350,000 dollar house.  Should she give him the $25,000 because she was a smart shopper? No. 

kvruns

The only caveat I would add is if this money is in a 529 plan then it has to be used for education expenses so if her portion pays for all of the remaining schooling then there could be leftover $ for the brother.

based on the comments about buying a car it doesn't sound like it is tied up in a 529 plan though 

Ro041

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

levioosa

Well LW’s family can fuck right off. 

CharmedPam

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

ha! didn't even notice!

ei34

CharmedPam said:

yeahno.

Lets say, LW's parents each gave them $200,000 dollars for a house.   LW went and bought a $175,000 dollar house and had some left over.  Her brother went and bought a $350,000 dollar house.  Should she give him the $25,000 because she was a smart shopper? No. 

I love this analogy.  I think the only problem with LW’s parents is that it sounds like they’d say “well your brother’s house is in a better area/is bigger/more impressive so of course it costs more, so you should give him the $25,000”.  Sounds like LW can’t win.  I’d distance myself if I was him/her.

short+sassy

kvruns said:

The only caveat I would add is if this money is in a 529 plan then it has to be used for education expenses so if her portion pays for all of the remaining schooling then there could be leftover $ for the brother.

based on the comments about buying a car it doesn't sound like it is tied up in a 529 plan though 

Yes!!!  While I understand the PP reactions, this is the thought I had.  Either a 529 plan and/or I'd want more details about the aunt's wishes.  The LW shouldn't give a s**t what her parents and brother think.  But she SHOULD want to comply with her aunt's wishes, since it was her gift to begin with and I'm getting the taste that it might be a conditional one.

It sounds like the aunt specifically wants that money to go toward her niece and nephew's education.  If there is going to be money left over after the LW pays for all her schooling, I think it is her moral obligation to let the aunt know that.  And ask if it is okay if she uses the excess for a used car.  If not, would the aunt prefer to have it back or given to the LW's brother, since he will still have schooling left to pay for.

Not to get the aunt involved in the turmoil going on in LW's family.  LW shouldn't even mention any of that.  But don't be a jerk to the aunt who was so nice and gracious to her.  Find out what she wants.

Or, if it's a 529 plan and the LW plans to have children someday, I'd think the money can keep rolling over to be a start to their college fund. 

ShesSoCold

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

STUCK

Funny you mentioned that. For several weeks now I've been trying to read these letters without subconsciously assigning or assuming a gender (when it isn't stated). Most of the time it's irrelevant and I feel like one teeny tiny little thing I can do is to not automatically assume genders or relationships, not just in Dear Prudie letters but in general. 

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

yeahno.

Lets say, LW's parents each gave them $200,000 dollars for a house.   LW went and bought a $175,000 dollar house and had some left over.  Her brother went and bought a $350,000 dollar house.  Should she give him the $25,000 because she was a smart shopper? No. 

In a similar analogy to my above post, I'd tell the parents, "I have $25K left after I bought my house.  Do you want that money back or can I keep it for an emergency fund for future home repairs?"  Because that money was a conditional gift.

And if the parents want the money back.  That's fine.  And THEY can give it to the brother, if they want.

Edited to add:  I couldn't imagine having a spare $25K after buying a house, if I might have to give it back.  Because there are always fun things/upgrades to do to a house with a spare $25K .   

mrsconn23

ShesSoCold said:

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

STUCK

Funny you mentioned that. For several weeks now I've been trying to read these letters without subconsciously assigning or assuming a gender (when it isn't stated). Most of the time it's irrelevant and I feel like one teeny tiny little thing I can do is to not automatically assume genders or relationships, not just in Dear Prudie letters but in general. 

I try very hard to use they/them pronouns when talking about LW's (unless it's made clear by the letter) for the same reason that I'm trying to read it from a place of not assigning gender. 

short+sassy

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

I totally did!  Probably from the family stereotype of a mom, dad, daughter, and son.  With a dog and a white picket fence, lol.  So, since I knew the sibling was a male, my subconscious mind assumed the LW was a female.

Ro041

@short+sassy that's interesting because I think I assigned LW the male gender because of the trade school part of the letter.  Of course, that is my own stereotyping of who attends trade school.

kvruns

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

I think I read every Prudie letter in a woman's voice unless it specifically says the LW is a male. 

short+sassy

kvruns said:

Ro041 said:

I think it's interesting some PPs read this letter in a woman's voice.  I read it as two brothers.  

I think I read every Prudie letter in a woman's voice unless it specifically says the LW is a male. 

Like @mrsconn23, I do make a conscious effort to not assign a gender to the LW, unless it is stated.  It's my own way to train myself on not making assumptions.

But sometimes I fail.  Like today, lol.

And I agree with you.  More often than not, my natural inclination is to assume the LW is female.  Do I do that because I'm female?  Not sure!  But that's my guess.