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Moms and Maids

Friend (not bridesmaid) Drama

Hey everyone,

Little bit of a background story: I have 3 sisters and my fiance has 1 sister, so I have planned since we started dating almost 4 years ago that if we got married my bridesmaids would be all the sisters, only family. 
Well, I told one of my friends (a few years ago, long before I was even engaged) that it was just going to be family in my bridal party and she got very mad and said some things aimed towards me and my fiances sister that I don't even want to repeat. I have known this friend since before I can remember and it has always been hard to reason with her. 
However, that's not where the drama lies today. When I got engaged she was excited and told me that she was still upset she wasn't going to be a bridesmaid but that she'd still throw me parties and help plan my wedding. Sounds good, right? Well, just in the course of that day things started going too far. At this point I had been engaged for 2 days and I was being asked every detail I knew so she could write it in a planning book and I politely told her what I knew but that my fiance and I wanted to talk those things over. Then later that day she asked if we wanted to meet up every week or every other week to plan. My fiance and I really want to plan OUR wedding together. The two of us. So I (politely again) told her that no, we do not want to do that, my fiance and I would like to plan the majority together, but that we will come to her when we would like her help with something. 
I did not think there was anything wrong with that, but I did not get a response and she has given me the silent treatment for a week now. And oh yeah, we work together so I see her every day. She doesn't talk to me and if I say something I get a mumble back. 
So I guess the question is, do I just forget about it, let her get over it and don't let it stress me out, or do I need to say something? 
Thanks yall. 

Re: Friend (not bridesmaid) Drama

  • Wow, girl needs to chill out a bit. 

    I’d give it a little more time. Seems like she’s really excited for you, which is nice but not at all what it sounds like you want. If in another week she’s still behaving like this (and it’s affecting your professional environment) I’d talk to her. I’d say something along the lines of “friend, I know you’re excited to help plan and I’m grateful for you offer of help. The engagement is new and we’re still figuring everything out. I really appreciate our friendship and hope that we can work this out”. 

    Then leave it up to her. You don’t have to have anyone involved in planning a wedding if you don’t want to; and you don’t have to apologize for planning it on your own. 
    Thank you for adding that last part! I'm typically the type of person that tries to make everyone else happy, but this is a special time and I want to do these things to make me and my fiance happy! 
    charlotte989875eileenrobSTARMOON44ahoywedding
  • First of all, it's perfectly okay to just have family as your BMs. Sometimes, that is the wisest and most diplomatic thing you can do, especially if you have several groups of close friends and can't really choose among them. 

    Your friend probably is one of these people who loves weddings in general and really wants to plan one. But if you don't want her help, you need to be clear that it's nothing personal, it's just that you and your FI want to do it all yourselves. That's perfectly normal. In time, she'll learn to get over her hurt feelings. 
    charlotte989875eileenrobahoywedding
  • Well, it's been 2 weeks without a single word or even a look. She saw my fiance for the first time since we've been engaged yesterday and she gave him the same treatment. He said good morning to her and she looked the other way.
    I guess it's time I said something... I'm sure some of you think it is past time, but it hasn't been affecting our professional environment and I was hoping she would get over it, in addition to me hating confrontation.
    But whether I like to admit it or not, it is emotionally draining having anyone treat someone like this every day for an extended period of time. 
    Any more words of wisdom before I try to say something?
  • I wouldn't say one single word. If it's not affecting your work (or anyone else's at your workplace), let it go. You haven't done anything wrong that you need to solve. It's just uncomfortable, and that is perfectly okay. This girl needs to get over herself, but she has to figure out how to do that on her own.

    If you approach her on this now, then you are, in effect, enabling her to continue to use this passive-aggressive tactic whenever she is upset. She wants to be pandered to, but if you refuse to do this, she will have to change her behavior.
  • maine7mob said:
    I wouldn't say one single word. If it's not affecting your work (or anyone else's at your workplace), let it go. You haven't done anything wrong that you need to solve. It's just uncomfortable, and that is perfectly okay. This girl needs to get over herself, but she has to figure out how to do that on her own.

    If you approach her on this now, then you are, in effect, enabling her to continue to use this passive-aggressive tactic whenever she is upset. She wants to be pandered to, but if you refuse to do this, she will have to change her behavior.

    I would disagree with not saying anything. The longer the elephant is in the room, the bigger it gets. I think it is best to name the emotion/reaction and say that you are sorry that there is tension and that you would like to work on your friendship. I would avoid anything wedding related with her after that.
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
  • Well, it's been 2 weeks without a single word or even a look. She saw my fiance for the first time since we've been engaged yesterday and she gave him the same treatment. He said good morning to her and she looked the other way.
    I guess it's time I said something... I'm sure some of you think it is past time, but it hasn't been affecting our professional environment and I was hoping she would get over it, in addition to me hating confrontation.
    But whether I like to admit it or not, it is emotionally draining having anyone treat someone like this every day for an extended period of time. 
    Any more words of wisdom before I try to say something?
    If it’s affecting your work it’s time to address it. I’d say ask her to coffee after the work day and say something along the lines of “friend I feel lately things have been weird between us and I wanted to talk you you about it. Can we talk about this? Is there anything you want to talk about?”

    The best way to do this would be to use “I feel” or “I think” statements rather than putting anything on her. Yes, she’s being ridiculous, but I’ll get you get farther saying things like “I feel things haven’t been the same. Do you feel that way?”  Or “I think the work environment has been different lately. Is there something going on?”  It gives her a chance to address it without being accusatory or putting it on her. 
    ernursejknottiea7c559f4e249058aeileenrob
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm not sure whether it is worth setting a specific time to talk.  This girl is incredibly petty and immature.

    I would take the high road at work.  Make a point to say, "Good Morning" whenever you pass her.  If it is natural to do so, you can say, "I'm headed to get a cup of coffee.  Can I bring you one back?"  If she completely ignores you, I would continue with the "pleasantries" of hello and good-bye, and end it there.  If she "mumbles" something, try to gently force her hand.  "Sorry.  Was that cream and sugar?"

    This girl is frustrated with your wedding and YOUR decisions.  There is no point in bringing up that subject again, in my opinion.  The only thing you need to maintain is a working relationship.  This should not be a drain or burden to you.  You are doing nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this treatment.  I would try very hard to let it, and potentially her, go.
    knottiea7c559f4e249058ashort+sassy
  • So. She came to me last night to talk. She was very upset telling me everything that she felt and how she was so excited and then got knocked down to zero. I mainly listened to everything she had to say, didn't say nearly enough that I should have since I shy away from conflict, but I said that it was never my intention to knock her down, cut her out, and many other phrases she used, but since she stopped talking to me we didn't even have a chance to work it out. She had been waiting for me to say something to her because she felt that since I'm the one that upset her I should have been the one to say something, but my feelings on it are the exact opposite, that she was the one with the problem with me so she should have come to me about it. The breaking point for her was when someone from our work was talking to her about where we planned to go on our honeymoon, and she became upset that she didn't get to know all that fun stuff that other people at our work did. 

    But she said how she was freaked/stressed out also because I'm her first friend to be getting married so she's expected to be involved and that was stressing her out.....??? I'm not sure where she gets that idea. But anyway, things were worked out I guess, for her at least, and are "back to normal" for now.

    Update: As I was writing this, she invited me to a Pinterest board to pin my wedding ideas where she has already pinned maybe 20 things... those are the things from the very beginning that I meant that my fiance and I want to do privately together.. we don't want someone else pinning their ideas for our wedding, they are our ideas.. I feel like we have come back full circle.  :| 
  • So. She came to me last night to talk. She was very upset telling me everything that she felt and how she was so excited and then got knocked down to zero. I mainly listened to everything she had to say, didn't say nearly enough that I should have since I shy away from conflict, but I said that it was never my intention to knock her down, cut her out, and many other phrases she used, but since she stopped talking to me we didn't even have a chance to work it out. She had been waiting for me to say something to her because she felt that since I'm the one that upset her I should have been the one to say something, but my feelings on it are the exact opposite, that she was the one with the problem with me so she should have come to me about it. The breaking point for her was when someone from our work was talking to her about where we planned to go on our honeymoon, and she became upset that she didn't get to know all that fun stuff that other people at our work did. 

    But she said how she was freaked/stressed out also because I'm her first friend to be getting married so she's expected to be involved and that was stressing her out.....??? I'm not sure where she gets that idea. But anyway, things were worked out I guess, for her at least, and are "back to normal" for now.

    Update: As I was writing this, she invited me to a Pinterest board to pin my wedding ideas where she has already pinned maybe 20 things... those are the things from the very beginning that I meant that my fiance and I want to do privately together.. we don't want someone else pinning their ideas for our wedding, they are our ideas.. I feel like we have come back full circle.  :| 
    start a separate locked/secret board for you and your fiancé. It's super harmless to let her pin ideas and chat about them with you. This is something I did with my best friend who was super excited about all the details even though we have wildly different and it was so easy to glance at it, and chat about if she asked what I thought. You can still do this with your FI and I really don't think this part is worth getting worked up about.
    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875short+sassy
  • *wildly different tastes (knot won't let me edit)
  • Casadena said:

    start a separate locked/secret board for you and your fiancé. It's super harmless to let her pin ideas and chat about them with you. This is something I did with my best friend who was super excited about all the details even though we have wildly different and it was so easy to glance at it, and chat about if she asked what I thought. You can still do this with your FI and I really don't think this part is worth getting worked up about.
    You're right. I was already on edge and got a little too worked up about it. 
  • Casadena said:

    start a separate locked/secret board for you and your fiancé. It's super harmless to let her pin ideas and chat about them with you. This is something I did with my best friend who was super excited about all the details even though we have wildly different and it was so easy to glance at it, and chat about if she asked what I thought. You can still do this with your FI and I really don't think this part is worth getting worked up about.
    You're right. I was already on edge and got a little too worked up about it. 
    I'm sure it's frustrating and she definitely overreacted, but i'm glad you have had time to think about it. The pinterest thing might be a great way to make her feel involved, without a lot of effort on your part - and who knows, maybe she'll have a great idea!
    charlotte989875eileenrobshort+sassy
  • Casadena said:
    So. She came to me last night to talk. She was very upset telling me everything that she felt and how she was so excited and then got knocked down to zero. I mainly listened to everything she had to say, didn't say nearly enough that I should have since I shy away from conflict, but I said that it was never my intention to knock her down, cut her out, and many other phrases she used, but since she stopped talking to me we didn't even have a chance to work it out. She had been waiting for me to say something to her because she felt that since I'm the one that upset her I should have been the one to say something, but my feelings on it are the exact opposite, that she was the one with the problem with me so she should have come to me about it. The breaking point for her was when someone from our work was talking to her about where we planned to go on our honeymoon, and she became upset that she didn't get to know all that fun stuff that other people at our work did. 

    But she said how she was freaked/stressed out also because I'm her first friend to be getting married so she's expected to be involved and that was stressing her out.....??? I'm not sure where she gets that idea. But anyway, things were worked out I guess, for her at least, and are "back to normal" for now.

    Update: As I was writing this, she invited me to a Pinterest board to pin my wedding ideas where she has already pinned maybe 20 things... those are the things from the very beginning that I meant that my fiance and I want to do privately together.. we don't want someone else pinning their ideas for our wedding, they are our ideas.. I feel like we have come back full circle.  :| 
    start a separate locked/secret board for you and your fiancé. It's super harmless to let her pin ideas and chat about them with you. This is something I did with my best friend who was super excited about all the details even though we have wildly different and it was so easy to glance at it, and chat about if she asked what I thought. You can still do this with your FI and I really don't think this part is worth getting worked up about.
    Agree with all of this. 

    Its good you teo talked it out, and it really sounds like she’s just excited, so I’d let the Pinterest thing be. Still have your own with your FI but let her send you some ideas; it’s not going to change that you can your FI can do it, and she’ll feel included. It does sound like you care and want to still be friends with her, so I think this is something to just let go. 
    short+sassy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2018
    Casadena said:
    So. She came to me last night to talk. She was very upset telling me everything that she felt and how she was so excited and then got knocked down to zero. I mainly listened to everything she had to say, didn't say nearly enough that I should have since I shy away from conflict, but I said that it was never my intention to knock her down, cut her out, and many other phrases she used, but since she stopped talking to me we didn't even have a chance to work it out. She had been waiting for me to say something to her because she felt that since I'm the one that upset her I should have been the one to say something, but my feelings on it are the exact opposite, that she was the one with the problem with me so she should have come to me about it. The breaking point for her was when someone from our work was talking to her about where we planned to go on our honeymoon, and she became upset that she didn't get to know all that fun stuff that other people at our work did. 

    But she said how she was freaked/stressed out also because I'm her first friend to be getting married so she's expected to be involved and that was stressing her out.....??? I'm not sure where she gets that idea. But anyway, things were worked out I guess, for her at least, and are "back to normal" for now.

    Update: As I was writing this, she invited me to a Pinterest board to pin my wedding ideas where she has already pinned maybe 20 things... those are the things from the very beginning that I meant that my fiance and I want to do privately together.. we don't want someone else pinning their ideas for our wedding, they are our ideas.. I feel like we have come back full circle.  :| 
    start a separate locked/secret board for you and your fiancé. It's super harmless to let her pin ideas and chat about them with you. This is something I did with my best friend who was super excited about all the details even though we have wildly different and it was so easy to glance at it, and chat about if she asked what I thought. You can still do this with your FI and I really don't think this part is worth getting worked up about.
    Agree with all of this. 

    Its good you teo talked it out, and it really sounds like she’s just excited, so I’d let the Pinterest thing be. Still have your own with your FI but let her send you some ideas; it’s not going to change that you can your FI can do it, and she’ll feel included. It does sound like you care and want to still be friends with her, so I think this is something to just let go. 
    Eh.  I feel as if this will end up with more drama and petty arguing.

    Friend:  "Did you see all the items I spent hours researching?"
    You:  "I haven't had a chance yet."

    Friend:  "I spent hours posting items on :"our" board and you haven't said one word".
    You:  "Oh.....I meant to say......."

    Friend:  "When do you want to get together to talk about all the neat ideas I've pinned....."  "I can go shopping on this day and that day........"

    **ETA:  @Knottie# said, "But she said how she was freaked/stressed out also because I'm her first friend to be getting married so she's expected to be involved and that was stressing her out.....??? I'm not sure where she gets that idea. But anyway, things were worked out I guess, for her at least, and are "back to normal" for now.

    The next time a wedding conversation comes up, tell her you thought about what she said regarding expectations.  Tell her that she was/is mistaken, and that the norm is for the couple to make the majority of the plans and decisions.  Tell her that as much as you appreciate her offer, you are relieving her of her "stress" by keeping the majority of the plans and decisions between you and your FI.


    You've had one conversation with her.  I'd rip the band aid off completely.

    ernursejdowntondiva
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