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Wedding Woes

This isn't about math, it's about fulfillment.

Dear Prudence,

My wife left work about a year after the birth of our first child when we could not get decent child care. The children are older now, but there is still a ton of running around. I have an excellent job, but I work from home with about half of my income coming from commission. We already split homemaking work about 75-25. If she goes back to work in an office, she could at most make about a quarter of what I make, while I would probably have to cover at least half of the housework. To me this seems like an obviously bad idea: I double my home workload while endangering our primary source of income. If I had any extra time, I would probably be better off working more and getting more commission. She does not dispute any of these facts but still wants to work. I don’t want to work harder so she can work harder, for just a little more money. How do you solve a relationship problem like this?

—Home-Life Balance

Re: This isn't about math, it's about fulfillment.

  • So selfish. 
    mrsconn23short+sassyahoywedding
  • mrsconn23 said:
    This is a letter where I'm dying to hear the other side of the coin.  I can only imagine what his wife has to say about all this. 
    I can try to understand the dude from the point that he's working and doing the housework and they're paying the bills and getting things done as needed. 

    But he's not seeing the forest for the trees.   This is working FOR HIM.   And his wife going to work isn't about just making money.   It's about fulfillment, potential career advancement and not feeling drained after telling the kids to stop talking about butt holes all day. 

    I think he needs to look at this from a bigger picture.   I knew I was getting ready to go back to work because I was needing to hand the kids to DH at the end of maternity leave to just get some me-time that didn't involve a nap.  

    They need to figure out how to budget to make this work.   This year we bought a boat and hired a lawn service.   In the end we figured that it was worth the additional expense so we could actually USE the thing vs. have DH's time occupied.   

    A housekeeper is probably more affordable than they think.   What about looking into one to do additional deep cleaning vs. the laundry?    It's not just about the finances - it's about having a PARTNER who  is treated like an equal. 
    short+sassyInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875ahoywedding
  • Hire a maid and let her be happy/ fulfilled outside of the house. 

    Yes!  Such an easy solution (eye roll).  And/or most dry cleaners have "by the pound" laundry service that is also very affordable.  I have an online friend who had a baby last year.  Her and her H do the laundry themselves for "heavier/big" stuff, like towels/bedsheets/comforters.  But she throws all those tiny baby clothes into a bag and drops them off for laundry service at a dry cleaners about 1-2x/week.  She said it has been a God-send and the time savings are amazing.

    How is this idiot endangering their income by helping out more with housework!?!?
    Yeeaahhh.  I think he's just being a drama king.  Perhaps it is not just the kids/housework/fulfillment that is impelling the wife to go back to work and regularly get out of the house. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • I could understand his point A LITTLE if he really thought his wife didn't want to work, but maybe felt like she had to.  In that case it doesn't sound worth it.  However, i think it's very clear that she wants to work, and he doesn't want to contribute ex-work.  Barf. 
    short+sassycharlotte989875ahoywedding
  • Just last month I jumped back in, I didn’t do a full return to work (it’s typically four days a week) but it was double what I’d been doing when the kids were babies.  The pay isn’t stellar but mentally  I needed to get back to the work place. Unfortunately H and I are still figuring out the housework/kid care.  I imagine things will fall into place eventually.
    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    I read through the letter again and realized HE WORKS FROM HOME. 

    OMG, dude.  So you have the sads she won't be there to make your lunch or you might have to get homework going after school?/s

    If she's going to an office and he's working from home, there will be more expectations on his time.  It seems (reading tone from writing) he sees his time as more valuable than hers because of what he can bring in financially and if she works outside the house, it still won't measure up in dollars and cents to him.  

    I have a friend who's husband does a similar job to what this guy describes and she's a SAHM.  IDK how they do it.  I love DH, but we would lose our shit being in the house together 24/7. 
    I was thinking the same thing - how is this entire family not pulling their hair out, on top of each other all the damn time?! 

    I'm shocked that LW can't see how getting out of the damned house would be good for his wife. 


    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    mrsconn23eileenrobcharlotte989875ahoywedding
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I read through the letter again and realized HE WORKS FROM HOME. 

    OMG, dude.  So you have the sads she won't be there to make your lunch or you might have to get homework going after school?/s

    If she's going to an office and he's working from home, there will be more expectations on his time.  It seems (reading tone from writing) he sees his time as more valuable than hers because of what he can bring in financially and if she works outside the house, it still won't measure up in dollars and cents to him.  

    I have a friend who's husband does a similar job to what this guy describes and she's a SAHM.  IDK how they do it.  I love DH, but we would lose our shit being in the house together 24/7. 
    I was thinking the same thing - how is this entire family not pulling their hair out, on top of each other all the damn time?! 

    I'm shocked that LW can't see how getting out of the damned house would be good for his wife. 


    I’m guessing he has a home office setup where he only comes out for food/bathroom/coffee/whatever. 

    He sounds like like an ass. And he doesn’t seem like he’s interested in compromising to make sure his wife is fulfilled. 

    But I get (and sometimes feel) like because I work more hours than my H, make more money than him, that I should not be doing most/all of the housework, too. We split pretty evenly (we both do general cleaning, I cook but he cleans up, we do our own laundry) but if/when we have kids I expect things will be different. 

    I definitely dont think my time is more valuable than his, nor do I think he should do more housework because he makes less than I do. I do feel like if I work 50 hours a week and he works 35 and there is stuff that needs to be done at home, the split should at the minimum be 50-50 if not him doing more. 

    FTR: he agrees with me. 
    short+sassyahoywedding
  • banana468 said:
    I WFH in an office space that locks (it's a spare bedroom) so I can hole up in here without kids entering (although they can pound on the door).

    I have to remind DH periodically that I work IN the house not ON the house.   And we try to keep the level of tasks somewhat even especially since he does more manual things that are bigger tasks vs the daily.   But I rarely load a dishwasher or take out the garbage and he still gives the baths. 
    I don't have a locked door, but I do have French doors on my office that DH sound-proofed the best he can.  I really only close them when the kids are home (school breaks or weekends).

    Yep to the bolded.   I will throw laundry in or switch loads, but I don't do housework during the day unless I decide I want to.  I take an hour for lunch, but I workout and shower during that time.    
    short+sassyahoywedding
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I read through the letter again and realized HE WORKS FROM HOME. 

    OMG, dude.  So you have the sads she won't be there to make your lunch or you might have to get homework going after school?/s

    If she's going to an office and he's working from home, there will be more expectations on his time.  It seems (reading tone from writing) he sees his time as more valuable than hers because of what he can bring in financially and if she works outside the house, it still won't measure up in dollars and cents to him.  

    I have a friend who's husband does a similar job to what this guy describes and she's a SAHM.  IDK how they do it.  I love DH, but we would lose our shit being in the house together 24/7. 
    I was thinking the same thing - how is this entire family not pulling their hair out, on top of each other all the damn time?! 

    I'm shocked that LW can't see how getting out of the damned house would be good for his wife. 


    I’m guessing he has a home office setup where he only comes out for food/bathroom/coffee/whatever. 

    He sounds like like an ass. And he doesn’t seem like he’s interested in compromising to make sure his wife is fulfilled. 

    But I get (and sometimes feel) like because I work more hours than my H, make more money than him, that I should not be doing most/all of the housework, too. We split pretty evenly (we both do general cleaning, I cook but he cleans up, we do our own laundry) but if/when we have kids I expect things will be different. 

    I definitely dont think my time is more valuable than his, nor do I think he should do more housework because he makes less than I do. I do feel like if I work 50 hours a week and he works 35 and there is stuff that needs to be done at home, the split should at the minimum be 50-50 if not him doing more. 

    FTR: he agrees with me. 
    We're like this. I work a regular 40 hours M-F and H averages around 60 and works Saturdays. I do most of the weekly cleaning because I'm home more (and on weekends when we do our deep cleaning). If he happens to be home on a Saturday, he helps me and it's 50/50. 

    My old fashioned (read: shitty) dad thinks I'm so terrible and H is "whipped" because he doesn't sit on the couch with a Manhattan while I scrub the floors on my hands and knees. Eyeroll. When I don't have to work outside of the house, H won't have to work inside it. 

    (not to mention that marriage advice/opinions are ridiculous coming from a guy who is 0/4 in successful marriages)
    Image result for kermit none of my business meme
    Oh I’m sure my in laws have some thoughts about our shared work load, but they are far too classy to say anything to me or H. (And they are generally wonderful people but my MIL stayed home and never had to work and probably thinks my house is too dirty). 



    ShesSoColdahoywedding
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    I read through the letter again and realized HE WORKS FROM HOME. 

    OMG, dude.  So you have the sads she won't be there to make your lunch or you might have to get homework going after school?/s

    If she's going to an office and he's working from home, there will be more expectations on his time.  It seems (reading tone from writing) he sees his time as more valuable than hers because of what he can bring in financially and if she works outside the house, it still won't measure up in dollars and cents to him.  

    I have a friend who's husband does a similar job to what this guy describes and she's a SAHM.  IDK how they do it.  I love DH, but we would lose our shit being in the house together 24/7. 
    I was thinking the same thing - how is this entire family not pulling their hair out, on top of each other all the damn time?! 

    I'm shocked that LW can't see how getting out of the damned house would be good for his wife. 


    I’m guessing he has a home office setup where he only comes out for food/bathroom/coffee/whatever. 

    He sounds like like an ass. And he doesn’t seem like he’s interested in compromising to make sure his wife is fulfilled. 

    But I get (and sometimes feel) like because I work more hours than my H, make more money than him, that I should not be doing most/all of the housework, too. We split pretty evenly (we both do general cleaning, I cook but he cleans up, we do our own laundry) but if/when we have kids I expect things will be different. 

    I definitely dont think my time is more valuable than his, nor do I think he should do more housework because he makes less than I do. I do feel like if I work 50 hours a week and he works 35 and there is stuff that needs to be done at home, the split should at the minimum be 50-50 if not him doing more. 

    FTR: he agrees with me. 
    We're like this. I work a regular 40 hours M-F and H averages around 60 and works Saturdays. I do most of the weekly cleaning because I'm home more (and on weekends when we do our deep cleaning). If he happens to be home on a Saturday, he helps me and it's 50/50. 

    My old fashioned (read: shitty) dad thinks I'm so terrible and H is "whipped" because he doesn't sit on the couch with a Manhattan while I scrub the floors on my hands and knees. Eyeroll. When I don't have to work outside of the house, H won't have to work inside it. 

    (not to mention that marriage advice/opinions are ridiculous coming from a guy who is 0/4 in successful marriages)
    Image result for kermit none of my business meme
    LOL.

    I think MIL has a lot of need to defend her choices, which involved staying home after her second kid and doing all the cooking and cleaning. The comments she makes about her former profession, and the way she needs people to gush over her spread/house/mothering make me feel like she didn't get that career fulfillment and didn't really feel like it was an option for her. FIL certainly isn't going to lift a finger to do X,Y, or Z. I don't know if it's because he won't, or because she's conditioned him that she'll do it.

    She's always a tiny bit visibly shocked that I let ("make"?) DH go do the dishes while I sit and talk with guests. He'd rather get some cleaning done ASAP. I'd rather sit and talk with the guests. In fact, DH does more cleaning than me because he has a lower threshold for mess. I'll make more of an effort for him, but we both know this and that's how it naturally shakes out. I'm certainly not forcing him to do the work that somehow belongs to me.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875mrsconn23ahoyweddingShesSoCold
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