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Wedding Woes

This is a hill you want to die on?

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We’re really good about resolving disagreements fairly and without judgment. Except for one thing. About four months ago I decided to start fostering at-risk kittens. My boyfriend is allergic to cats. We discussed it for several months until one day I ended up with five fosters in my household. I have made every effort to clean (and hired professionals to help deep-clean), but obviously if you’re allergic to pet dander, there is only so much you can do. He’s actually helped a lot with them, so I don’t blame him for hitting a breaking point. But I’m reluctant to push them away, because I made a commitment to care for them until they’re adopted. He takes this to mean I’m trying to weasel my way out of giving them up, which is not the case at all. I just don’t see the point in promising to care for something and then giving up halfway through. We’ve got two adopted out so far, so I don’t quite understand his logic and he doesn’t understand mine.

—Boyfriend Versus Cats
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Re: This is a hill you want to die on?

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Kittens get adopted fast so it shouldn't be that much longer before they are adopted out.  They need to be on the same page before they do it again.  

    H and I foster dogs (we have fostered 65-70 so far) and we always have to be in agreement about when we take in a new dog.  At first, I thought he wanted me to ask his "permission" to foster and I took great offense, but at the end of the day, he helps care for them too and I have to respect when he needs a break.  He also respects that we are going to do it.  The boundary that we drew was with the number - no more than 6 dogs in the house at any one time.  Lol.  I know that sounds crazy (we have 4 in the house now, 1 foster and 3 of our own), but it works for us.

    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    He's allergic. If LW was so addicted to helping animals she could have volunteered at a shelter rather than bring something into [her? their?] home that makes him miserable. 
    ________________________________


    banana468MNNEBridecharlotte989875eileenrob
  • He's allergic. If LW was so addicted to helping animals she could have volunteered at a shelter rather than bring something into [her? their?] home that makes him miserable. 
    Exactly - you wear clothing that you take off immediately upon getting home but you don't bring animals into your home that make your loved one sick.

    LW is a jerk.
  • She chose kittens over her BF.  I think that speaks volumes.
    image
    charlotte989875eileenrobthisismynickname2
  • edited October 11
    MNNEBride said:
    She chose kittens over her BF.  I think that speaks volumes.
    Yup. 

    I had a kitten when I met H and he’s allergic. When we moved in together there were new rules for everyone (including the cat). She’s not allowed in the bedroom or on furniture (she never climbed on tables or counters or anything like that). We have a roomba  and deep clean once a week. He takes allergy meds when it’s bad. 

    I love cats, but we will only ever have one at a time. 
    STARMOON44
  • MNNEBride said:
    She chose kittens over her BF.  I think that speaks volumes.
    Five kittens!!! Like, maybe you test this out with one kitten? Zero kittens have ever just turned up in my apartment without an invitation.   Sadly. 
    charlotte989875eileenrobthisismynickname2
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I mean, FI is allergic to cats...but he also loves them and is the reason we now have three. So his sneezing is his business. Lol. But seriously, how do you just “end up” with five kittens after previously discussing and agreeing not to foster them? That’s super shitty of LW and it makes her seem like she really didn’t care about his well being or believe him about his allergy in the first place. 


    image
    charlotte989875eileenrobMyNameIsNotSTARMOON44
  • What I am gleaning from the letter:

    • I didn't get the impression they live together, but her whole attitude is an even bigger problem if they do.
    • They were still "discussing" the idea of her fostering, when she essentially ended the talks by just doing it anyway.
    • It is especially outrageous she didn't at least test out how this will work for the b/f with ONE kitten first. 
    • Sounds like these kittens are at least 4-months old now.  Maybe I don't understand the fostering system, but why can't they just go into a pound at this point?  They are past the age when they need to be hand-fed, every few hours.
    • It almost sounds like she will keep one or more of them forever, if they don't get adopted.  Of course I could see that being a big concern for him.
    • Along with having 2nd thoughts about the fact that his g/f chose kittens over him and his health.
     
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    STARMOON44
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    I mean, FI is allergic to cats...but he also loves them and is the reason we now have three. So his sneezing is his business. Lol. But seriously, how do you just “end up” with five kittens after previously discussing and agreeing not to foster them? That’s super shitty of LW and it makes her seem like she really didn’t care about his well being or believe him about his allergy in the first place. 
    This is where I am too. Obviously, the severity of allergies vary from person to person, but having an allergy doesn't necessarily mean a bar to cats. My husband is allergic, but he adopted a cat before we moved in together anyway. He just manages it with cleaning and meds. LW says the BF helps with the cats, which leads me to believe that his allergies are at least manageable. 

    I just can't get past "ending up" with 5 kittens. Wouldn't you experiment with 1-2 for the first time to make sure you can handle the commitment and test the water? They don't just turn up; you decide to go ahead with it either together or in spite of your BF's objections. 

    To me, the living together really is the issue. If they don't live together, he really doesn't have any right to tell her what she can do in her place. Sure, he could refuse to come over, but he really doesn't get a vote in that decision. If they do live together, she's an asshole. 
    short+sassy
  • "We discussed it for several months until one day, I ended up with five fosters in my household."

    Umm, how do you "end up" with foster kittens. I really want to know what went into "ending up" with foster kittens considering they discussed it for months prior and suddenly here are foster kittens. 

    I think she was crazy to even take them in the first place. 
    Exactly! That's some passive voice nonsense that just rubs me the wrong way. It's used so often when someone knows they did something shitty but want to pretend like the universe just made it happen out of nowhere and they can't be held accountable for their actions.

    No, you made a conscious choice, own up to it and accept that you decided kittens > boyfriend.

    I get it, I love kitties, I have one and she's my angel, but my husband keeps saying no to my request for a second and you know what I do? I deal with it (and show him pictures of cute cats and talk about how beautiful sphynx kitties are) until he either comes around and we mutually agree it's time for a second cat. I would love to "end up with" a second cat, but I'm also not a terrible partner (at least not in this respect).
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
     LW needs to stop pretending like they didn’t have a choice. She agreed to foster. She agreed to take on (what I am assuming) was a litter of 5 kittens. They weren’t forced upon her. If she was just trying to get her feet wet and see if it was manageable she would have told them no. I guarantee a single kitten would have come along sooner than later. There are always abandoned kittens. 


    image
    charlotte989875
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Yeah, this is just inconsiderate. 

    It sounds to me like LW wanted to foster cats, asked their SO about it, he's like, "Um, no I'm allergic" and that's not the answer LW was expecting, so they just went out and got the cats anyway, thinking the BF would be fine with it. 

    That's not how shit works. And this would be a big red flag, if I were the BF. Not only does his SO not give a shit about his allergy, it sound like they don't care about his opinions either and are just going to do whatever they want. Noooope.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • "We discussed it for several months until one day, I ended up with five fosters in my household."

    Umm, how do you "end up" with foster kittens. I really want to know what went into "ending up" with foster kittens considering they discussed it for months prior and suddenly here are foster kittens. 

    I think she was crazy to even take them in the first place. 
    Exactly! That's some passive voice nonsense that just rubs me the wrong way. It's used so often when someone knows they did something shitty but want to pretend like the universe just made it happen out of nowhere and they can't be held accountable for their actions.

    No, you made a conscious choice, own up to it and accept that you decided kittens > boyfriend.

    I get it, I love kitties, I have one and she's my angel, but my husband keeps saying no to my request for a second and you know what I do? I deal with it (and show him pictures of cute cats and talk about how beautiful sphynx kitties are) until he either comes around and we mutually agree it's time for a second cat. I would love to "end up with" a second cat, but I'm also not a terrible partner (at least not in this respect).

    This is exactly my household.  I really want to get another cat and dog.  Our current dog would be over the moon to have more animals in the house.  She loves to play with them.  But it is an adamant "no" from my H.

    I occasionally bring it up.  How can he say no to those cute little faces?  I'm joking.  I don't actually say that to him.  Though I think it a little, lol.  But!  It's one of those decisions that, if it isn't a mutual yes, then it's a no.  There isn't a compromise and I understand that.

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    charlotte989875
  • "We discussed it for several months until one day, I ended up with five fosters in my household."

    Umm, how do you "end up" with foster kittens. I really want to know what went into "ending up" with foster kittens considering they discussed it for months prior and suddenly here are foster kittens. 

    I think she was crazy to even take them in the first place. 
    Exactly! That's some passive voice nonsense that just rubs me the wrong way. It's used so often when someone knows they did something shitty but want to pretend like the universe just made it happen out of nowhere and they can't be held accountable for their actions.

    No, you made a conscious choice, own up to it and accept that you decided kittens > boyfriend.

    I get it, I love kitties, I have one and she's my angel, but my husband keeps saying no to my request for a second and you know what I do? I deal with it (and show him pictures of cute cats and talk about how beautiful sphynx kitties are) until he either comes around and we mutually agree it's time for a second cat. I would love to "end up with" a second cat, but I'm also not a terrible partner (at least not in this respect).

    This is exactly my household.  I really want to get another cat and dog.  Our current dog would be over the moon to have more animals in the house.  She loves to play with them.  But it is an adamant "no" from my H.

    I occasionally bring it up.  How can he say no to those cute little faces?  I'm joking.  I don't actually say that to him.  Though I think it a little, lol.  But!  It's one of those decisions that, if it isn't a mutual yes, then it's a no.  There isn't a compromise and I understand that.

    Samesies. 
    short+sassy
  • This would be one of the reasons H and I would divorce. He is allergic. If I brought home some kittens, he would choose to breathe over staying with me. I'm not a shitty partner and when I want my cat/kitten fix, I go to a cat café or see one of my friend's.
    MesmrEweshort+sassy
  • I wanted to foster kittens. DH was okay with it, but they got into his models and broke some of his stuff and were causing him stress. So we stopped fostering ... and then got a cat for a year because my friend was teaching overseas and was desperate to get someone to care for her (some of you might remember that craziness).  Now, no more cats. It isn't allergies it's the stress that they cause him, and helping kittens isn't worth it. 
    Now rabbits ... rabbits are different. I "ended up" with another two because of an accidental pregnancy, but DH is absolutely fine with it. And no, he can't say no to their cute little faces.
    imageimage
    levioosashort+sassy
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 12
    If she talked about fostering with him for several months before actually doing it, then she should have talked to him about taking in 5 kittens at once before she went ahead and took them. Even if they're not living together, they've been dating long enough that I think it would've been fair to talk to him about something that might have made it hard for him to be in her home for any length of time.

    If they are living together, then LW is a jerk and if I were her boyfriend I'd be questioning the relationship.
    image
  • WHY is HE still with her?!?!?!  WTF...  Dealbreaker SNS...  ZERO reservations on this!  "Don't let the door hit ya LW!"

    It's like my MIL who knows BIL & I have cats as a trigger for our asthma.  She had four cats and we (BIL & I) just couldn't go in to her place for family gatherings because well - that whole annoying breathing thing...  She of course whines because we no longer can do any family gatherings there.  This week the last of her cats passed away - I was feeling optimistic that she'd choose family over getting another cat... NOPE!  Adopted another one yesterday.  I now refuse to listen to any future whining about not having things at her house for the holidays.  She had the chance and she chose the cat..  LW also chose the cats over the BF...  

    P.S. the whole "extra cleaning thing" thinking it'll reduce symptoms for those of us with allergies... BOGUS!  If anything it causes more dander to be put into the air AND it's like fishing the pieces of shrimp out of the soup for someone with a shellfish allergy - the soup still came in contact with the shrimp!
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    ernursejshort+sassyclimbingwifeeileenrob
  • kerbohl said:
    I wanted to foster kittens. DH was okay with it, but they got into his models and broke some of his stuff and were causing him stress. So we stopped fostering ... and then got a cat for a year because my friend was teaching overseas and was desperate to get someone to care for her (some of you might remember that craziness).  Now, no more cats. It isn't allergies it's the stress that they cause him, and helping kittens isn't worth it. 
    Now rabbits ... rabbits are different. I "ended up" with another two because of an accidental pregnancy, but DH is absolutely fine with it. And no, he can't say no to their cute little faces.
    I do remember that!  Didn't she still not come get the cat for awhile after coming back to the U.S. and was then talking about taking another overseas job opportunity?
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  • kerbohl said:
    I wanted to foster kittens. DH was okay with it, but they got into his models and broke some of his stuff and were causing him stress. So we stopped fostering ... and then got a cat for a year because my friend was teaching overseas and was desperate to get someone to care for her (some of you might remember that craziness).  Now, no more cats. It isn't allergies it's the stress that they cause him, and helping kittens isn't worth it. 
    Now rabbits ... rabbits are different. I "ended up" with another two because of an accidental pregnancy, but DH is absolutely fine with it. And no, he can't say no to their cute little faces.
    I do remember that!  Didn't she still not come get the cat for awhile after coming back to the U.S. and was then talking about taking another overseas job opportunity?
    Yep - and she is still overseas right now as far as I know, so I would still have my cat and DH would be stressed to the max if I hadn't gotten it back.
    imageimage
    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    WHY is HE still with her?!?!?!  WTF...  Dealbreaker SNS...  ZERO reservations on this!  "Don't let the door hit ya LW!"

    It's like my MIL who knows BIL & I have cats as a trigger for our asthma.  She had four cats and we (BIL & I) just couldn't go in to her place for family gatherings because well - that whole annoying breathing thing...  She of course whines because we no longer can do any family gatherings there.  This week the last of her cats passed away - I was feeling optimistic that she'd choose family over getting another cat... NOPE!  Adopted another one yesterday.  I now refuse to listen to any future whining about not having things at her house for the holidays.  She had the chance and she chose the cat..  LW also chose the cats over the BF...  

    P.S. the whole "extra cleaning thing" thinking it'll reduce symptoms for those of us with allergies... BOGUS!  If anything it causes more dander to be put into the air AND it's like fishing the pieces of shrimp out of the soup for someone with a shellfish allergy - the soup still came in contact with the shrimp!
    The bolded is exactly what my parents don't fucking understand. They keep adopting cats, and then are mystified as to why I don't go to their house. "Well, we don't let the cat upstairs in the guest room, and I vacuumed!" It doesn't matter! Your house is covered in cat dander, and I can't breathe. 

    eileenrobMesmrEwe

  • Where did the cat end up going? I remember the story but not how it ended. 


    kerbohl said:
    kerbohl said:
    I wanted to foster kittens. DH was okay with it, but they got into his models and broke some of his stuff and were causing him stress. So we stopped fostering ... and then got a cat for a year because my friend was teaching overseas and was desperate to get someone to care for her (some of you might remember that craziness).  Now, no more cats. It isn't allergies it's the stress that they cause him, and helping kittens isn't worth it. 
    Now rabbits ... rabbits are different. I "ended up" with another two because of an accidental pregnancy, but DH is absolutely fine with it. And no, he can't say no to their cute little faces.
    I do remember that!  Didn't she still not come get the cat for awhile after coming back to the U.S. and was then talking about taking another overseas job opportunity?
    Yep - and she is still overseas right now as far as I know, so I would still have my cat and DH would be stressed to the max if I hadn't gotten it back.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    MesmrEwe said:
    WHY is HE still with her?!?!?!  WTF...  Dealbreaker SNS...  ZERO reservations on this!  "Don't let the door hit ya LW!"

    It's like my MIL who knows BIL & I have cats as a trigger for our asthma.  She had four cats and we (BIL & I) just couldn't go in to her place for family gatherings because well - that whole annoying breathing thing...  She of course whines because we no longer can do any family gatherings there.  This week the last of her cats passed away - I was feeling optimistic that she'd choose family over getting another cat... NOPE!  Adopted another one yesterday.  I now refuse to listen to any future whining about not having things at her house for the holidays.  She had the chance and she chose the cat..  LW also chose the cats over the BF...  

    P.S. the whole "extra cleaning thing" thinking it'll reduce symptoms for those of us with allergies... BOGUS!  If anything it causes more dander to be put into the air AND it's like fishing the pieces of shrimp out of the soup for someone with a shellfish allergy - the soup still came in contact with the shrimp!
    The bolded is exactly what my parents don't fucking understand. They keep adopting cats, and then are mystified as to why I don't go to their house. "Well, we don't let the cat upstairs in the guest room, and I vacuumed!" It doesn't matter! Your house is covered in cat dander, and I can't breathe. 
    My FIL and stepMIL are the same way with smoking. Everyone smokes in that house (and no one ever cleans anything so it's gross, but that's besides the point). BIL has an infant and they don't want the baby in that house, but stepMIL doesn't understand and is all salty about it. She was hoping they'd bring the baby over the one holiday so no one had smoked in the house all day. She acted like the years and years of smoking buildup would magically disappear in 3 hours. That day, I was in the house for two hours and only sat on a wooden kitchen chair and even my bra still smelled like smoke and ass when we left. 

    But BIL and his GF are overbearing parents. Sure. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • MesmrEwe said:
    WHY is HE still with her?!?!?!  WTF...  Dealbreaker SNS...  ZERO reservations on this!  "Don't let the door hit ya LW!"

    It's like my MIL who knows BIL & I have cats as a trigger for our asthma.  She had four cats and we (BIL & I) just couldn't go in to her place for family gatherings because well - that whole annoying breathing thing...  She of course whines because we no longer can do any family gatherings there.  This week the last of her cats passed away - I was feeling optimistic that she'd choose family over getting another cat... NOPE!  Adopted another one yesterday.  I now refuse to listen to any future whining about not having things at her house for the holidays.  She had the chance and she chose the cat..  LW also chose the cats over the BF...  

    P.S. the whole "extra cleaning thing" thinking it'll reduce symptoms for those of us with allergies... BOGUS!  If anything it causes more dander to be put into the air AND it's like fishing the pieces of shrimp out of the soup for someone with a shellfish allergy - the soup still came in contact with the shrimp!
    The bolded is exactly what my parents don't fucking understand. They keep adopting cats, and then are mystified as to why I don't go to their house. "Well, we don't let the cat upstairs in the guest room, and I vacuumed!" It doesn't matter! Your house is covered in cat dander, and I can't breathe. 
    My FIL and stepMIL are the same way with smoking. Everyone smokes in that house (and no one ever cleans anything so it's gross, but that's besides the point). BIL has an infant and they don't want the baby in that house, but stepMIL doesn't understand and is all salty about it. She was hoping they'd bring the baby over the one holiday so no one had smoked in the house all day. She acted like the years and years of smoking buildup would magically disappear in 3 hours. That day, I was in the house for two hours and only sat on a wooden kitchen chair and even my bra still smelled like smoke and ass when we left. 

    But BIL and his GF are overbearing parents. Sure. 
    Gross!  I used to tell anyone who visited my grandma with me to leave any outerwear they had in the car.   It was pointless to wear a coat to Grandma's and even hang it in a closet.   As a nonsmoker the scent just HUNG like an old bar after closing time.   It was gross.   You can't get that shit out of a couch.  
    ShesSoColdeileenrobMesmrEwe
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    WHY is HE still with her?!?!?!  WTF...  Dealbreaker SNS...  ZERO reservations on this!  "Don't let the door hit ya LW!"

    It's like my MIL who knows BIL & I have cats as a trigger for our asthma.  She had four cats and we (BIL & I) just couldn't go in to her place for family gatherings because well - that whole annoying breathing thing...  She of course whines because we no longer can do any family gatherings there.  This week the last of her cats passed away - I was feeling optimistic that she'd choose family over getting another cat... NOPE!  Adopted another one yesterday.  I now refuse to listen to any future whining about not having things at her house for the holidays.  She had the chance and she chose the cat..  LW also chose the cats over the BF...  

    P.S. the whole "extra cleaning thing" thinking it'll reduce symptoms for those of us with allergies... BOGUS!  If anything it causes more dander to be put into the air AND it's like fishing the pieces of shrimp out of the soup for someone with a shellfish allergy - the soup still came in contact with the shrimp!
    The bolded is exactly what my parents don't fucking understand. They keep adopting cats, and then are mystified as to why I don't go to their house. "Well, we don't let the cat upstairs in the guest room, and I vacuumed!" It doesn't matter! Your house is covered in cat dander, and I can't breathe. 
    My FIL and stepMIL are the same way with smoking. Everyone smokes in that house (and no one ever cleans anything so it's gross, but that's besides the point). BIL has an infant and they don't want the baby in that house, but stepMIL doesn't understand and is all salty about it. She was hoping they'd bring the baby over the one holiday so no one had smoked in the house all day. She acted like the years and years of smoking buildup would magically disappear in 3 hours. That day, I was in the house for two hours and only sat on a wooden kitchen chair and even my bra still smelled like smoke and ass when we left. 

    But BIL and his GF are overbearing parents. Sure. 
    Ugh, that is gross. My FIL smoked inside his house, and when we went to visit him before he passed, I couldn't stay in the house for more than 5 minutes. 


  • Where did the cat end up going? I remember the story but not how it ended. 


    kerbohl said:
    kerbohl said:
    I wanted to foster kittens. DH was okay with it, but they got into his models and broke some of his stuff and were causing him stress. So we stopped fostering ... and then got a cat for a year because my friend was teaching overseas and was desperate to get someone to care for her (some of you might remember that craziness).  Now, no more cats. It isn't allergies it's the stress that they cause him, and helping kittens isn't worth it. 
    Now rabbits ... rabbits are different. I "ended up" with another two because of an accidental pregnancy, but DH is absolutely fine with it. And no, he can't say no to their cute little faces.
    I do remember that!  Didn't she still not come get the cat for awhile after coming back to the U.S. and was then talking about taking another overseas job opportunity?
    Yep - and she is still overseas right now as far as I know, so I would still have my cat and DH would be stressed to the max if I hadn't gotten it back.

    I said I could not take it for another year (because it sounded like it was more permanent than just one year) and I dropped it off at her house. I have no idea where it is now. I think her ILs have it despite mentioning that they definitely could not take it ...
    imageimage
    charlotte989875
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