Wedding Woes

Support your friend and keep your opinion to yourself.

Dear Prudence,

My friend Janet cares for her elderly mother, Gladys, who is in her 90s and has Parkinson’s disease. Janet and her siblings fell out with their brother, John, when he tried to sue Gladys (his own mother!) in a frivolous attempt to accelerate his inheritance. The case was thrown out. Gladys was angry and extremely hurt. Now she has lost the ability to make decisions and will likely die soon. Janet told me that when she does, she and her siblings will not tell John the details of the funeral until after it has taken place for fear that he will disrupt it. He has been aggressive in the past, and Janet herself is in poor health. I’m worried about whether this is the right thing to do. How can I best advise my friend?

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Re: Support your friend and keep your opinion to yourself.

  • Repeat after me: Not. Your. Business.
    SO. MUCH. THIS. 

    Shut your face, LW.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2018
    IDK where this LW even thinks it's their job to advise their friend.  It's their job to listen to their friend in this time of grief.  

    ETA:  And if this is actually Gladys?  Woman, I validate you, it's FINE to not invite your asshat brother.
  • Not your circus not your monkeys.

    What you do: You support Janet by listening to her.  And you certainly don't insert yourself into something that has nothing to do with you. 


  • edited October 2018
    Is Jane going to tell her brother their mother died? Brother is an ass, but I do think he has a right to know his mother died. From there he can Google service details. 

    ETA: But yeah as a friend? Stay out of it unless and until she asks for advice. 
  • Is Jane going to tell her brother their mother died? Brother is an ass, but I do think he has a right to know his mother died. From there he can Google service details. 

    ETA: But yeah as a friend? Stay out of it unless and until she asks for advice. 
    Meh - some people just don't say.

    My grandmother's brother was a negative crazy man.   Two of his 3 kids were on his side and when he passed, they published his obit to state that the services occurred.   His own daughter (a nun) wasn't invited.

    My mom went to grandma's house at 9 AM that morning to bring her the paper. 

    My overall point: it was awful but grandma wasn't owed a thing. 
  • edited October 2018
    banana468 said:
    Is Jane going to tell her brother their mother died? Brother is an ass, but I do think he has a right to know his mother died. From there he can Google service details. 

    ETA: But yeah as a friend? Stay out of it unless and until she asks for advice. 
    Meh - some people just don't say.

    My grandmother's brother was a negative crazy man.   Two of his 3 kids were on his side and when he passed, they published his obit to state that the services occurred.   His own daughter (a nun) wasn't invited.

    My mom went to grandma's house at 9 AM that morning to bring her the paper. 

    My overall point: it was awful but grandma wasn't owed a thing. 
    I mean, I think losing a mother is a big thing. And yes the brother sounds terrible, but for him not to even know his own mother passed. I just think that is cruel.

    What he did was terrible but I don’t think it’s the most awful thing ever where he doesn’t get to know his mother died. 
  • banana468 said:
    Is Jane going to tell her brother their mother died? Brother is an ass, but I do think he has a right to know his mother died. From there he can Google service details. 

    ETA: But yeah as a friend? Stay out of it unless and until she asks for advice. 
    Meh - some people just don't say.

    My grandmother's brother was a negative crazy man.   Two of his 3 kids were on his side and when he passed, they published his obit to state that the services occurred.   His own daughter (a nun) wasn't invited.

    My mom went to grandma's house at 9 AM that morning to bring her the paper. 

    My overall point: it was awful but grandma wasn't owed a thing. 
    I mean, I think losing a mother is a big thing. And yes the brother sounds terrible, but for him not to even know his own mother passed. I just think that is cruel.

    What he did was terrible but I don’t think it’s the most awful thing ever where he doesn’t get to know his mother died. 
    I agree that someone SHOULD tell him that she died.   But when and how I think is a different story.  
  • Someone should tell him she died. That person is not you.
  • Definitely don't give advice to Janet before the funeral.  She and her siblings have every right to not inform John about the funeral.  That has already been decided and it isn't LW's place to say differently.  Quite frankly, I find it weird she even sees a problem with that.

    It also sounds like the family does plan to tell John about their mother's death sometime after the funeral.  Great!  As awful as he may be, he 100% deserves to know that she passed.

    However, if Janet does not inform her brother, I'm going to slightly dissent from the popular opinion.  I think the LW should say something to Janet that John should really hear about the passing from her or one of her siblings.  Said nicely and gently...and only once.  If she still doesn't want John to know, that's still her business. 

    Come to think of it, unless Gladys purposely wrote him out of her will, he will be notified by the executor/attorney anyway.  But I still think the first news of it should come from family, even if they are estranged.

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  • I think it's crappy of Janet and her siblings to not inform their brother of their mother's immediate passing. But it's none of LW's business and she should stay out of it.
  • I don't think it's such a great idea to keep news of a family member's death from someone, even if estranged. But it's something that each family needs to decide themselves. LW needs to let Janet and her siblings handle this and mind her own business.
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  • My Ma had a friend situation similar...  She and a few exclusive others were the only ones to be told of the friend's passing and not the friend's children who swindled her out of her home and finances.  The woman was to be cremated and her ashes spread on "her" property with again only these individuals in attendance.  My Ma couldn't do it (attend the spreading of the ashes - because didn't matter who, not her thing..), but essentially they determined that being on the public property that is the road at the end of "her" driveway was fine, the friends did a little prayer and the job was done. 

    At the end of the day, it is the individual's wishes being granted to not invite him and the only advisement is "Honor your Mother's wishes.."  OTOH - Parkinson's is a wicked disease and statements such as that are not uncommon when someone is in an "off" state...  
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