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Wedding Woes

I think you need a lesson on etiquette, not your DIL.

Dear Prudence,

My daughter-in-law enjoys knitting and crocheting. For her birthday, my husband and I gave her a generous gift card to a local yarn store, for which she thanked us and seemed very pleased. Imagine my dismay, however, when six months later for our anniversary she gifted us with a lovely bedspread, which she told me she made with yarn purchased from the gift card! I told my son that we’d in effect paid for our own present and that he needs to communicate to his wife how improper and stingy this move was. He refuses, saying that her labor and time were also part of the gift. We haven’t spoken much since except to discuss our grandchildren, and our DIL has been outright cold. I’m considering writing her a letter directly explaining why this was an improper gift and expressing my sadness that her own parents didn’t teach her gift etiquette. My husband wants me to drop the whole thing and pretend like it never happened. Prudie, I don’t like the idea of moving on as if nothing happened.

—The Gift We Gave Ourselves

Re: I think you need a lesson on etiquette, not your DIL.

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    A bedspread is a shitty gift unless specifically requested. MIL is an ungrateful wench.  But a bedspread made of yarn?
    mrsconn23sparklepants41zitiqueen
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 26
    I don't know about the gift (maybe it was an afghan vs. bedspread and LW doesn't know what she's talking about?)...but the DIL obviously thought she was doing something loving for her IL's and MIL is a ungrateful harpy.  Also, there are those blankets now made of the super thick, chunky yarn and the yarn is usually soft vs. regular yarn, that does feel rougher to the touch.   But LW is being utterly ridic and clearly, has a bigger issue with the DIL than this.  
    charlotte989875MesmrEweShesSoCold
  • My MIL just made me an amazing blanket out of my old college T-shirt’s. It’s the greatest present I’ve ever gotten. 

    But yeah this MIL is ridiculous and I think what the DIL did was sweet. 
    mrsconn23sparklepants41MesmrEwe
  • 6fsn said:
    A bedspread is a shitty gift unless specifically requested. MIL is an ungrateful wench.  But a bedspread made of yarn?
    Huh? Even MIL says it’s lovely. I don’t see anything at allshitty about a generous home made gift. If it doesn’t suit the recipients taste they can just say thank you and move on. A knit blanket sounds great to me. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    6fsn said:
    A bedspread is a shitty gift unless specifically requested. MIL is an ungrateful wench.  But a bedspread made of yarn?
    Huh? Even MIL says it’s lovely. I don’t see anything at allshitty about a generous home made gift. If it doesn’t suit the recipients taste they can just say thank you and move on. A knit blanket sounds great to me. 
    A homemade bedspread is a very specific gift you can’t return if you don’t like. I can think something is lovely, but not want or need it in my house. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    6fsn said:
    6fsn said:
    A bedspread is a shitty gift unless specifically requested. MIL is an ungrateful wench.  But a bedspread made of yarn?
    Huh? Even MIL says it’s lovely. I don’t see anything at allshitty about a generous home made gift. If it doesn’t suit the recipients taste they can just say thank you and move on. A knit blanket sounds great to me. 
    A homemade bedspread is a very specific gift you can’t return if you don’t like. I can think something is lovely, but not want or need it in my house. 
    I just disagree that makes it shitty. Gifts aren’t just about maximizing value and I don’t love the idea that homemade gifts are shitty because you might not like them and can’t return them. 
    I’m with starmoon on this. You could even argue that homemade gifts mean more. An Afghan for a queen or king sized bed probably took DIL at least twenty hours to make. That’s a lot of commitment.

    I have a very specific aesthetic and I choose the decorations for my home very carefully. I’ve received a few homemade gifts (like blankets) and although I really don’t necessary like them or want them (completely not matching my place) I am so appreciative that the gift giver wanted to do something special and spend the time. Plus, are you also saying that homemade gifts from people who can’t afford other things are inherently worth less? I don’t think that’s true at all. My FBIL and FSIL are struggling. They can’t afford a twenty dollar gift for the secret Santa we’re doing this year. One of us will probably get homemade fudge or another baked good. That’s perfectly fine. It’s thoughtful and took time. That’s what counts,  not whether or not the gift was needed or wanted. 


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    STARMOON44charlotte989875eileenrobILoveBeachMusic
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Oh good grief, I have oodles of homemade afghans and blankets and cross stitches and engraved photo frames that I appreciate the thought and work behind.  I appreciate the work that has gone into every single last one of them.  It doesn't mean I have to like the gift.  I also think the headband my MIL bought me was a shitty gift.  I have no hair and a funny shaped head.

    It's not the homemade part that makes it shitty.  It's the specificity of the gift. I'd say any bedspread was a shitty gift. 

    Not every gift is a good one just because it's homemade. 


  • 6fsn said:

    Oh good grief, I have oodles of homemade afghans and blankets and cross stitches and engraved photo frames that I appreciate the thought and work behind.  I appreciate the work that has gone into every single last one of them.  It doesn't mean I have to like the gift.  I also think the headband my MIL bought me was a shitty gift.  I have no hair and a funny shaped head.

    It's not the homemade part that makes it shitty.  It's the specificity of the gift. I'd say any bedspread was a shitty gift. 

    Not every gift is a good one just because it's homemade. 


    I guess I just don’t see any real difference between an afghan, a blanket, and a bedspread. They’re all knitted things that you can put atop a bed or use on a couch or tuck into a guest bedroom. 
  • 6fsn said:

    Oh good grief, I have oodles of homemade afghans and blankets and cross stitches and engraved photo frames that I appreciate the thought and work behind.  I appreciate the work that has gone into every single last one of them.  It doesn't mean I have to like the gift.  I also think the headband my MIL bought me was a shitty gift.  I have no hair and a funny shaped head.

    It's not the homemade part that makes it shitty.  It's the specificity of the gift. I'd say any bedspread was a shitty gift. 

    Not every gift is a good one just because it's homemade. 


    Shitty *for you* not universally shitty (which is what your posts are sounding like). 
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Fair enough. Shitty for me. I have some homemade gifts that I adore because they were given thoughtfully. I have some expensive gifts I hate because they were not given thought.

    The thing dh and I love most is the big container of fudge and peanut brittle smil makes every year. 
  • So.Much.Wrong.With.This.Letter.

    First off, they gave their DIL a b-day gift.  The anniversary gift would have been from BOTH their son and DIL.  So why are they only mad at the DIL?  I mean, they shouldn't be mad at either person.  But why is the DIL the only one having her "manners" side-eyed?

    I also don't understand how they are equating a gift card with a hand-knitted bedspread.  The gift card was only used to buy the materials.  It's not like they gave her an afghan for her b-day and she regifted it back to them.

    So, let's pretend their avid golfers and their gift card to her was for $250.  She bought yarn for her own projects and then bought them a $250 gift card to the pro shop, that would have been fine?  Because it sounds the same, except they would have liked the gift better (I guess?).  What if she only gave them a $100 gift card?  Would they be pissy because she "owed" them a bigger gift?

    I think the son needs to write THEM a letter about how ungrateful and stingy it is to complain about a gift that is given.  And that his wife's gift, once given, was hers to do as she pleased.  And she chose to make them a heartfelt present.

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    charlotte989875banana468eileenrobILoveBeachMusic
  • Yikes.  LW, listen to your son. Or your H.  Or us.  I can’t get over the irony of her being this crass and thinking her DIL is the one who committed an etiquette blunder.  

  • I mean, I get being a little snarky about it, but I would never have said anything to anyone.  That's just really overwrought.
    MesmrEwe
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yea, she doesn't understand how gifts work. 

    Fwiw, I've received quilts and other blanket-type things as gifts three times and my H once. I disagree that handmade blanket-type things are terrible gifts. I use two of three on a regular basis (one is on our bed right now, the second is switched out with it regularly. The third is a twin size, and so I haven't used it since I was single, but it will likely be on our daughter's bed when she's older or a guest bed). H's is currently draped over the back of our sofa, and we cuddle under it during movies or naps or whatever. 

  • Next year MIL gets socks from the $4 bin at Walmart...  Another vote for LWMIL sucks...

    Too many don't understand the sheer amount of time and cost of materials that go into making anything crafty!  And yes, it was likely a real-person size afghan that the MIL doesn't know how lucky she's got it to give as a gift!  A friend of the family (whom DD is named after) made one for me when I was in High School, at the time I wasn't a fan of the color, but one thing is for certain, any time I'm feeling ill that thing is my go-to blanket for warming and healing up!  LOVE it - and even more as I get older!
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I recently made a 10'x10' king sized crocheted blanket. It took 10 weeks, and I'm a relatively fast crocheter. I didn't even use fancy-schmancy yarn (a decent acrylic from Michael's so it would be machine washable/dryable), but since it required 17 large skeins, it was still pricey. I would be heartbroken if I gave that to someone and they openly disparaged it. We always tell people that they should graciously accept gifts, and they can do what they wish with them once received. Well, this lady gave her DIL a gift. The DIL did what she wished with it and created a gift for her. This would have graciously accepted the gift and then thrown it away/donated it/whatever and left it at that. She was not owed a gift, and with her attitude, shouldn't expect DIL to give one ever again.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicMesmrEwe
  • Also, this is yet another instance where I'm not thrilled with Prudie's response.

    I think the LW could have done with a stronger tone.   It's not about "dying on this hill".   She's ungracious and rude.
    mrsconn23ILoveBeachMusic
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